Thursday, September 27, 2012

Help Save Me From Possible Road Trip Purgatory

If you are wondering, yes, this is a stock photo, but I have this car. :)
Road trips are not my thing, plain and simple. I love to travel. I do not love to travel in a car. Road trips to me are all about waiting. First you are waiting to get somewhere. Then you are waiting to get home. Thus my title about road trip purgatory...since many religions view purgatory as a soul's "waiting place", I found it appropriate. Can I be more blunt?  I HATE road trips with the combined passion of thousands! But I volunteered for this upcoming 14+ hour trip this weekend. Volunteered. Why, you might ask? Well, as you know (if you have been reading my blog, which I of course highly recommend!) you would know that Barrett sold his truck a few months ago to help pay for some expenses and replenish our savings account. He has been riding his motorcycle to work basically all summer, but we knew we would use some of the truck money to buy a different used vehicle (we talked about sharing a car..but our schedules are too different, even now). Anyhow, Barrett and I decided that he would buy a used Ford Explorer from his grandmother. Well, they live in Camarillo (down by Santa Barbara). Thus, we are flying down tomorrow afternoon and driving the car back. Let it be said, that Barrett loves me so much that the original plan was for him to do this trip alone and for me to stay home with the kiddos and pets. The more I thought about that idea though, the more I just got sad. My parents were willing to watch their grandsons and the new grandpuppy, and get the boys back and forth to soccer (they go to every game each weekend anyway). Barrett and I have not been apart a single night since we got married (and I won't answer any questions about before then...lol!), and the thought of him being away for the weekend was enough to make me cry. Seriously. I know that is probably gag-worthy for many of my readers, and yes...before I was alone so much as a married woman that I felt single half the time, but I love Barrett, and what's more, I genuinely like him. Almost always. He is my best friend. He is the person I talk to about anything and everything. He is my partner in this journey of life, and he curls up to me every single night, arms wrapped around me and snuggles me close until the morning. I won't give up 2 nights of that...not when I can help it. 

So, that means I offered to go with him, made arrangements with my folks, and explained my case to him. I promised to not make it the road trip from Hell, and told Barrett it could even be fun (mind you, I am using a very loose definition here...that means I will not kill him...so that's fun, right?).  The fact of the matter is that I want to be there to help him stay awake, to keep him company and to drive part of the trip (even if it's a small amount). I also want to see his family again, and for the most selfish of reasons, I want him with me, not away from me. In preparation for this trip, I even finally spoke to my doctor about my bladder over-activity  because let's face it, when you have to pee every 1-2 hours every single day of your life, and at least once a night, it has really been getting in the way, and is the main reason I dread road trips...because there is no bathroom in the car. For years I have been too embarrassed to ever say anything, even to a doctor. I have dreaded going places that may not have a restroom (Matt's soccer practices and t-ball games come to mind!). I have turned down certain activities, and I have fretted over it interfering with a job. No more. I didn't ask to have this condition any more than a person asks for diabetes. My doctor listened to me, and told me that we were going to try a medication to help, and that a road trip is the perfect time to find out. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will extend the hours in between stops this time. 

Now, I am also wracking my brain for things to do and talk about on the road trip. I can watch a few DVDs before the laptop will die, we have a book we are reading that I can read aloud to Barrett,  maybe I'll pick up a book on tape, and I have a silly game (Would You Rather?) that we can play in the car. I am so open to more and other ideas, people!  I tend to have the attention span of a 7 year-old ADD boy, and I need your help to make this trip a good one! :)

Off to See the OB

So yesterday morning I got to go see my OBGYN for my yearly checkup. It made me think that there were very few things that I wouldn't rather be doing. Okay, I would rather go have my "womanly" exam any day than go to the dentist. Seriously. While I like my dentist as a person, I could happily never ever go again. I find the mouth just as invasive if not more so than the exam from my OB, and the dentist (even if it's a teeth cleaning), hurts, a lot-therefore despite having worked in a dental office for six years of my life, it actually ranks above the OB on places I really hate to be. I genuinely like my doctor anyhow. She, my OB, has seen me through two pregnancies, is the one who delivered Isaiah (Matthew had another wonderful doctor in the same clinic), and we have developed a rapport over the years. You kind of have to, right? I mean this is the person that sees you naked at least once a year, examines your breasts, and has a conversation with you while inserting the always cold "metal duck" apparatus. That's what Barrett calls it. He came to one visit with me last year when there were a few concerns (luckily turned out okay), and had my doctor cracking up, looking at the speculum and saying, "yeah, I guess that name works!"

We had a nice chat, about my health, the fact that yeah, I've gained some weight (though she wasn't that concerned and my blood pressure was still perfect), and about me now being pre-nursing. She asked what specialties I had considered, and I told her I wasn't quite sure yet but that emergency medicine and women's health both seem interesting to me. She divulged to me that she had wanted to be a surgeon until she experienced that rotation in med school and thought everyone was really mean. Being in women's health was her last choice, she thought, again until she did it and really enjoyed it. It was nice talking to her and hearing her advice on not being too set in anything until you experience a taste of it. She also enlightened me that she has nurses and nurse practitioners that she works alongside at the clinic. That seems like a really great job.

It dawned on me yesterday that men complain about prostate checks, which they don't even have to start doing until what, 40? But women have likely been seeing a gynecologist since sometime after their first period. We get prodded, scraped and the hallmark of the visit of course is just positioning yourself in the padded stirrups (ladies are you nodding your heads?). If a woman has gone through childbirth, all vestiges of our modesty has long disappeared anyway. So the next time I hear a guy complain how awkward it is to go get checked out, well then I may have to explain the pelvic exam in great detail to them. :) The fact of the matter is that these things are essential to good health, so my advice is to grin and bear it (or bare it!) and find a doctor you like.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Are You Vice Free?

Sometimes I look at myself and think, "you deserve a pat on the back." Why? Because I look at myself and think I've never done drugs, never smoked cigarettes (unless you count the handful of times in high school), and I've certainly never been into alcohol (don't like it very much, but I'll have the occasional glass of wine.). In our society today, those things alone seem like a small something to be proud of. If you are like me though, don't be too quick to be self-congratulatory, I'm sure you do have something that you really would have a hard time giving up. Theses things are your vices. Whether they are addictive or not, I would wager there are a small handful of things you have a very hard time staying away from, or could not (unless you tried REALLY hard) stay away from.

Here are mine:
-my husband!
-coffee
-Diet Pepsi
-Alfredo Sauce
-paranormal or fantasy (especially young adult) books
- long, hot showers

What are your vices? Notice I didn't name my kids or college, though they are a huge part of my life- because both are things I require breaks from!:)

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Broadening My Horizons: What is Intersex? And How Do You Define Family?

My venture into Lane Community College today was an interesting one. Not minutes after being parked, I thought that I would rather drop my classes and go elsewhere...anywhere elsewhere! :) Then, I calmed myself and found my way to my first class (if you get anxious like me always check it out ahead of time), which Barrett and I had scoped out last week. Sociology of Gender...need I say more? Why am I taking this course, you ask? Because it fits the "diversity" requirement course option for entry into Lane's Nursing Program. The class itself it certainly diverse. I no longer feel like I stand out, like I felt at OSU among all the young, pretty college kids. No, there is something representing every group you can think of in this class: minorities, heterosexuals, homosexuals, transgendered folks, old, young, male, female and racial and socioeconomic groups too.  The professor (who I am stuck with...wait, wait privileged to have for both classes!) is a cell phone and laptop Nazi, as in they are not welcome in her class, at all. That's not that big of a deal, while I am an iPhone junkie, and do text a lot, as well as Facebook, blog and check email from my phone, I can live without it for hour and 20 minute chunks...I hear it will be much longer in my CNA class this winter. I will give her this, she is interesting. She gave each group of 4 two separate tasks, tasks we would later discuss ad nauseum to see how gender stereotypes influence our daily lives, and where the stereotypes come from. The tasks were: 1)walk like a man, and 2) sit like a lady. If you have never thought about this, just the terminology used denotes actual meaning to the phrases. Being told to sit like a lady conjures up images of women sitting demurely, legs crossed and hands in lap. But walk like a man does not conjure up just one image. Is it a western, cowboy-like man? A noble businessman? A gangster?  All have different types of walks, so you can see that we have many different takes on what that phrase can mean. Like I said, interesting. 

Our first reading today is about the concept of an individual being intersex. Now, if you have not a clue what that means, welcome to my mind today. I was like "interwhodawhat?" And no, it is not fancy slang for sex on the interstate!  (You know that was funny!). According to my sources, "Intersex, in humans and other animals, is the presence of intermediate or atypical combinations of physical features that usually distinguish female from male. This is usually understood to be congenital, involving chromosomal, morphologic, genital and/or gonadal anomalies, such as diversion from typical XX-female or XY-male presentations, e.g., sex reversal (XY femaleXX male), genital ambiguity, or sex developmental differences. An intersex individual may have biological characteristics of both the male and the female sexes.[1][2] Intersexuality as a term was adopted by medicine during the 20th century, and applied to human beings whose biological sex cannot be classified as clearly male or female."
Make sense?  As I understand it, both parts, lack of the biologically appropriate parts or not being able to tell what parts are present. That's my dumbed down version-not that you needed it. I, for one, had heard of hermaphroditic people, but had never really read about it. Apparently if a clitoris is larger or a penis is smaller than the average range, surgeons will recommend surgical alteration to make the child more "normal." If the penis is too small to ever function normally, the baby is altered into being biologically a female. If the clitoris is too large that it doesn't quite look "female" enough, the girl baby is altered to have it cut down (this can lead to inability to orgasm in some cases). Both surgeries can lead to many unanswered questions from the child. I had never really known about this topic, and hopefully that isn't TMI for my readers, but it is interesting, and here is a website that explains the issue better than I can: What is Intersex?

Then, after a quick lunchtime visit with my love (he did get to come out today!), I headed to Sociology of Marriage and the Family. Same instructor, same room, same interesting first class. We were handed crayons and paper and told (with no further directions) to draw our family. I happily drew a clan of stick figure people and pets. Then, we were asked to share. I volunteered, thinking I represent a fairly "modern" family.  "I'm Sarah, here in the pink dress, and this is my husband. These are my two sons with my ex-husband  here (pointing to his stick figure), and this is his wife, her daughter and their daughter. These are my parents." My instructor raises her eyebrow, "And you all get along?" "Usually quite well," I reply. A bunch of raised eyebrows and murmurs. "Well that is certainly not the norm," she says, "good for you." I felt like someone on the Jerry Springer show, and she wasn't mean, just honest. I wanted to retort, "well it should be!" but I didn't. Two students later I am followed by a woman who says, "This is me, my two daughters, my boyfriend and over here in the corner is my ex-husband and his new whore. He's in the picture because I'm stuck with them (nice literal and figurative meaning there!)." To that the class responded with nods and smiles. Really? I get it. I really do. It is much more normal to be in that boat and hate your ex and their new love, but...anyway. That was my first day of school. 

1st Day of School

It's my first day at Lane Community College, and so far, I am not amused. The school had sent email alerts to be here early for classes the first week because the parking fills up very quickly, aka they have not nearly enough parking for a community college their size! So, my first class is at ten, but I have been here since 8:30. Which means Max has to be in his crate extra long while I hang out in my car, just to ensure a parking spot. Grrrr!!!! Yes, that is me growling. On I-5 there were even signs about how traffic may be stopped at the college exit, and it's no joke. Sure enough, after being here just 30 minutes, the lot around me has totally filled. It must be said that I am a nervous driver. When there are too many cars around me or traffic has come to a halt, my heart triples in time, I get light-headed, and I get nauseous-probably my own self induced version of an anxiety attack (which I have never, in any other situations experienced).

That brings me to the reason I chose Lane. I am hoping to go here for nursing, but I have been to and am much more familiar with Linn Benton Community College in Albany. Theoretically, Eugene is now closer to our new house. But non theoretically I can tell you it took me a full 30 minutes to get here today, and that's exactly how long it takes to get to LBCC. I even enrolled there first but then dropped. Why? Well, Barrett works in Springfield (which is about 15 minutes from here), and I have an hour and forty minutes in between my 2 classes. We had both figured now we could have lunch together twice a week. That, makes going somewhere new and the complete and utter anxiety worth it... That is until his work decides to mandate his lunch time, and now, it looks like I am probably on my own these two days that I am stuck in my most favorite city at my most favorite college, with the fantastic parking situation...(hear the sarcasm?) all by myself. And that, my dear friends, makes me very growly indeed.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Almost to 3,000!

I am about to clear 3,000 total page-views on this blog since the time I began in mid-July. I love the days that I get tons of readers, and yes, kind of get discouraged on the days that my readership is very low. But...I started this blog because I wanted to write my thoughts down. I have written a bit of just about everything that interests me: relationships, parenting, daily life, the educational system, and a few random rants or funny pieces here and there. 

I want to thank you for reading. I would like to keep this up as long as I can, and as long as I find it enjoyable. I would really love to see more comments, bloggers love to get feedback and have actual 2 or more way discussions. I know it's kind of a pain to comment on, but you can always be anonymous and type your name at the bottom, or just plain be anonymous if you want. :)  

Please respond to my poll with your top 2 favorites. You will see it on the right side of the page.  It really helps to guide my topics and style. Thank you! Let's get to 5,000 soon! :) Share me with your friends, recommend me on Google +, or share me on Facebook. I appreciate it!

Here's to hoping you stay with me for 3,000 more posts!



Why, Hello Officer!

Ever notice how, no matter what you are doing, the second you see a cop driving near you, you think you must be guilty. It's as if our minds scream out in a perpetually cheerful voice, "Why, hello Officer, I didn't see you there! Top of the morning to you!" (because apparently I turn dorky and Irish). You turn into the perfect driver, hands at two and ten on the wheel, looking straight ahead, and doing a perfect speed limit. "Observe Officer, I am going 27 mph in the 25 zone. See, I don't want to hold traffic up, but I am a law-abiding citizen. I also figured that going exactly 25 mph might tip you off to look at me more, so I am nonchalantly driving a risky 2 miles over the speed limit." I know that a good chunk of the time, especially in town, I have nothing to worry about. I am a careful driver, and I am likely going pretty close to the recommended speed guidelines (okay, okay laws, but I tend to see them as guidelines, lol!).

 Sometimes though, it's a toss up. "No Officer, I would never look at my phone, apply my lipstick or work on training the perfect Pandora station while driving my vehicle..."  I will say that my driving has gotten a lot better, but perhaps slightly too aggressive thanks to the trade up from a mini-van to my Charger. Barrett swears to me that if I get pulled over, the excuse that I give him: "But my car is most comfortable at 80," will not amuse a police officer. I suppose not. Though, my car does handle best on the freeway at that speed. :) And finally, "No, Officer, I have never gone out on a country road to see how fast my car can go," (because I'm sure it can actually go much faster than the 130 mph I got it to!), "but if I did, I can assure you that I'd be by myself and you'd be nowhere to be seen!"

What are your driving confessions?

More on Church

Yesterday we checked out a church in our area. The people were very kind and friendly, and the church itself was pretty but understated. There were shelves full of books you could check out, which I thought was pretty neat (and yes, I have seen that before). About ten minutes into the service I was the one who needed bamboo (see my previous post Finding the Perfect Church). Every worship song was a hymnal. Now- I've been "lectured" about this before. Hymns are important, especially to the older and more traditional crowd. That's fine, and I can do a few, but all of the songs were hymns, and I didn't enjoy that part at all.

The pastor was a better speaker than many I had heard, and the message was out of Hosea, and about how God made him an action sermon basically to show His mercy to us. Pretty good. Barrett did ok. He was the perfect, willing husband, but when I caught him reading Revelations I knew something was up. First I thought, oh, good! Maybe he's into this.... But no, as he would later explain (and by this point I'd guessed as much), "Revelations is the most interesting book."

Next weekend we will be flying to southern California only to stay with his family a night or two and then drive the awful 14+ hours back, since we bought his grandmother's Ford Explorer, and have to get it home:). But perhaps the following weekend we will visit somewhere else.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Finding the Perfect Church

My parents did not (and still don't) go to church. As a child, I sometimes went to mass with my cousins-most of my dad's side is Catholic. Those were my earliest memories of being inside a church. I used to think the Catholic Church in our hometown, St. Anthony's Church, was a beautiful place. It had stained glass windows, wooden pews, organ music, and a priest looking regal in robes. Communion consisted of real red wine and small pieces of bread...we children didn't take communion yet. At the same time though, the services were long, and for us kids it meant sitting in back and coloring. Yep, coloring. We just had to pay attention to the calisthenics so that we didn't look as obvious, sit, kneel, stand....the only church with an included exercise plan along with your sermon! I don't remember understanding most of what was said in mass, but I remember it both being scary and beautiful to me. 

In high school I became more interested in finding God, and I went to a handful of different churches, tagging along with friends. Some were okay, one was way too evangelical for my liking, and I also signed up to go with a handful of my friends to Church Camp.  I actually really enjoyed it. Something about hiking in the woods, staying  in cabins, and talking about God over a campfire, made Him seem much more real to me. Also around my high school years, my uncle's mom passed away. My uncle is Japanese (married to my dad' sister), and his family is Buddhist. His mother's funeral was held in a Buddhist temple, and I was taken with how gloriously peaceful, simple and lovely the place was. There was even a garden outside that you could sit in. I also visited a Mormon church and a dance with a friend in high school. I bet you would think it was uncomfortable, but it was nice, the people were so welcoming and friendly and not the least bit pushy. 

My ex-husband enjoyed Pentecostal churches. He likes the preacher being on fire for his message, the music, and even the speaking in tongues. We were married by a Pentecostal pastor, and attended a church in Manteca for about a year before moving to Oregon. It was not the best experience. I had never been a faithful church goer, a habit that is still, admittedly, very hard for me...and he wasn't great at it either. We liked the church and were part of a married class, but whenever we missed (about once a month because we wanted to sleep in or go somewhere else), we knew that we would have messages on our phone, asking where we had been. We both hated that. In Oregon, I went to church for awhile with my aunt and uncle, and their church was nice, non-denominational, and had beautiful outside services in the summer. Then, I found a church in our town, and attended it for the next 1 1/2 years,  a Baptist Church. I was baptized there at age 21. I went alone almost always, as Greg was working nights and weekends. I enjoyed the church, and the way I felt, but I never really got involved or made any friends. When Greg's schedule changed we would then attend the First Assembly of God Church in the next town over, and did so for almost 2 years and then another 6 months or so later on when we decided to go back. It was huge, and you could decide just how involved you wanted to be. 

Then I attended the Nazarene church in town prior to and just after our divorce. Great kids program, but I never really felt anything all the time that I went, and that bothered me a lot. Barrett and I have checked out a church that claims to be the church for those that dislike church. The music was great, but the people? Not that friendly. I know, that I am one of the disliked brand of church-hoppers, but it is only because I am trying to find something that has meaning for me and fits a myriad of other wants for my family. Barrett's goal is that the church not make him rather shove bamboo shoots under his fingernails. His words, not mine. My personal church wish list goes as follows (and some churches I went to had a few of these aspects, then lacked others...and that's how I know they matter to me.):
  • Friendliness is welcome.
    •  If I am visiting, you should direct me in the right places. 
    • You may extend any event invitations.
    •  I should not feel ignored.
  • Pushiness is not welcome.
    •  Do not pressure me.
    •  Do not call me if I miss. 
  • Let me know how I can be involved, but do not guilt it out of me. 
    • (I would like a certain level of involvement, in something I am good at. Do not think because I have kids, that I should help with children's programs of nursery care! One church actually guilted me into this because I was using the service!! I would've been much better help just about anywhere else, and frankly I'd rather join Barrett with the bamboo! Just because I like my own children does not mean I am good with others!)
  • Have a great children's program.
  • Good music for me is a must.
  • Teach me. I am there to learn, but not to be judged. 
  • Have a clean, peaceful atmosphere. 
    • Refreshments are good.
  • Teach about life application. 
    • Ever been to a church a few times and felt like you were hearing re-runs? But...we talked about the lady at the well last week. Oh, this is okay if it is an ongoing story, but just like in a classroom, things need to be changed up and dare I say it? They need to be made relevant to the congregation.
    •  Tell us why this story matters to us, and how it applies. 
I am not sure the perfect church exists...but I am set to find one that works for all members of my family. So, now I leave you to go shower and get myself ready for my first church visit in all too long! Hopefully no bamboo will be needed. Have a great Sunday!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Confessions of a Distracted Mom

Okay, so here is my tell all on the things that moms (okay I) do sometimes when we are distracted when dealing with the kids. Maybe it should be like a what not to do list. So, we will pretend...the following are things I have never (wink, wink) done when wanting a few moments of peace or when I am totally, and I mean totally distracted.



  • Suck on a lollipop the whole way home? Sure...if it'll keep him quiet! ;)
  • Bubble bath in the middle of the day because sometimes, well sometimes Mommy just wants to waste time reading status updates on Facebook, and the kids like bubbles. Sue me.
  • Take them to the park with the awesome playground? Why yes, so I can read 1-2 more chapters of my book.
  • Nod and say "uh-huh" even when I have no idea what either one of them was just telling me. 
  • Tell them to get on tennies and go play outside with their brother where I can see them (AKA so I can cook dinner in peace)
  • Let them skip a bath, brushing teeth or putting PJs on because it's late, and they just need to be in bed.
  • Skipped words in  the story I've read 1,283 times...and then been caught! Hey, how about reading it to Mommy?
  • Bought an extra special drink (hot cocoa or a smoothie) along with my mocha at the coffee shop to avoid whining.
  • Said it was bedtime...before it really was.
  • Went to the bathroom, locked the door, and sat peacefully to read a magazine...not while on the toilet!
  • Forgotten to feed the guinea pig.
  • Pretended the soccer jerseys were freshly washed.
  • Given a child the lunch I packed myself, because I forgot their's!
I'd love to hear your confessions! Comment on this link or on the blog itself. Hopefully this gave you a good laugh. Even fantastic moms need a break sometimes. :)

For additional laughs, check out Mom Confessions .   These had me cracking up! Some are plain awful, and I am not condoning them (I have never smoked pot or sent my kids to school too sick to go)...but I was snort-laughing my butt off! Okay, so #'s 7, 15 and 17 are hilarious!

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Different Kind of Christmas

Today I began Christmas shopping. There are only 94 days until it is here. I started with just a few small things for the boys, and got out my iPhone to take pictures of a couple of things I liked that may be good ideas (has anyone seen the Lite Brite Cube?).  Then I headed to Barrett's work and we went to Chinese food for lunch together. During the almost hour long drive (I was in Albany when I started), I started to think a lot about Christmas, not just the regular thoughts about budgeting for gifts and what everyone really wants this year, but thoughts about what I can teach my kids and my family about Christmas. The boys know the meaning of Christmas, and could probably tell you the story better than I can, but I started to think that while they know why we celebrate it, the how of it makes it not much different than a birthday (one of their's not Jesus' you smarties). There's food, presents and time with family. If we are lucky and are attending a church (see my other post on that!), then there is maybe a really great church service/program or two. I'm not sure that does Christmas justice, and furthermore, I am beginning to think that I have been missing some really great teaching opportunities with my kids. 
 
After discussing with and getting approval from Barrett, I decided this year would be a bit different. We will set our gift limit for the children, then we will take a set amount out of it for each boy and let them decide where to donate that money to. Mind you, they will still get presents, but a couple fewer. I have narrowed their choices to the following 5 charities, so that there are not too many choices: Humane Society of the United States, St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, American Red Cross, Operation Homefront, & Children's Hunger Fund. I am going to print a logo or photo of each charity and sit the boys down and explain what they do. We will have a small chat about how we have been very blessed to have all that we have, and that there are many others who do not have the same things. Then after they decide, and closer to Christmas, Barrett and I will make the donations and wrap up (very fancily, mind you!) the cards that they will each receive from the charity. I am hoping this will make them more aware of the ways of the world, of helping others, and that they will be proud to share with their extended family and friends what they chose to give money to. 

I have also decided that a little volunteering is in order for both Matthew and mom. He is old enough to tag along with me to volunteer at many places, so again, I am going to give him a few options I can live with (!), and make it something we do 1-2 times a month. I think it will be a great gateway to talking to him more about this subject, and just to cultivating the compassion I'd like both boys to grow to have. 

If you like either idea, here are a few helpful sites you could explore:

Weighty Matters

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about weight, self-esteem and being healthy these days. I have already shared that I am at my heaviest (even sadly including two pregnancies...one of which went to term). My feelings about this fluctuate given the hour of the day!  I wear a size 8 now, when I used to consistently be a 4. I also exercise almost daily...something I never did when I was that tiny. I am not trying to kid myself, it is not all muscle weight, in fact I'd be surprised if much of it was. My hips and bust are curvier, and in a swimsuit my tummy is still mostly flat...like I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear a 2 piece even now, though I am more conscious of it. I have tried to be objective and look at photos from the past. I have some in a camo bikini, and yes...I did look good. My breasts were tiny, hips barely existent and stomach flat. My face though was also very thin, and I have a long face that I have always disliked, so I actually love the little bit of weight now on my face!

I wish I could say that I have a totally healthy appreciation of just what I am now and how I look. These celebrities do (watch out, a few are really "busting" out):Big and Beautiful. While I am not uncomfortable all the time, I will admit it: I have cried about my weight, I have cursed at the scale (which never seems to vary much no matter what I do or don't eat!), I have commiserated with friends about the slowing of metabolism after 30, and at times I have even felt desperate. Desperate as in, I have thought about unhealthy ways to lose weight like diet pills and even purging...though the thought of puking still grosses me out WAY more than how I look in my panties and bra, and after working in a dental office for 6 years, I know the havoc it wreaks on teeth! :) But, I am being brutally honest...the media tells me that a size 8 at 145 pounds is FAT, and what is wrong with me? All I have to do is get up off my rather large behind...right?  Wrong!

We all need to exercise as much as we can without overdoing it. Walking a few miles everyday outside, doing aerobics, yoga, pilates...whatever makes you not hate exercise is the key. I do not like riding the exercise bike every AM...but guess what? It's getting easier, and I don't hate it anymore. I like walking Max, and I love to rollerblade (heehee), so those are also things I can do. I have also rediscovered pilates and actually enjoy it and feel great after. Yes...that statement just came from me. But the fact of the matter is that I also love food. I don't love to overeat, and I've been more aware of portions...but I am a social eater, which means unlike many women I don't tend to eat much (if at all) when I am stressed or unhappy (lost 7 pounds right after my divorce-but not the best diet plan ever!), but I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am around loved ones, and I have been enjoying meal-making and baking. Though I have decided that I am going to give away at lest 1/2 of what I bake from now on!

The biggest issue here though is being happy with yourself. While thin may still be what the media thinks is sexiest, what matters is what you think and how you feel. There are even studies that say being slightly overweight may help in chronic disease situations: Obesity Paradox.  Furthermore, we should know that many women suffer with eating disorders...even into middle-age: Too Old to Worry About Weight? What are we doing to ourselves ladies?  Perhaps healthy, not thin should be the standard we wish to attain.

Here are some easy tips to help us all along the way: 40 Tips, and in case you are curious like I was, what "average" is in the US. :) What is Average Anyway?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Oh You Know...Just Harnessing My Inner Martha Stewart

Lately I have had all this time and energy on my hands. What is a poor girl to do? While I would LOVE to spend every minute shopping (yes, there truly is that California valley girl in me!), that would not exactly be cost-effective. So...here are a few things I have done (in case you need inspiration!). 
My Vanity
Make-up-this one is eye-shadow

  • Meal plans for October and November
  • Activity Calendar for our family
  • Chore chart and institution of "allowance" for the boys
  • baked 3 new dessert recipes, and one new dinner...so far
  • clipped coupons
  • organized my special under-the-stairs closet and my vanity area in my room
  • organized Isaiah's and Matthew's rooms
  • schoolwork with Isaiah
I am liking the activities of finally being able to plan and organize my home. :)
My closet. Two shoe organizers, and totes filled with boots, scarves, tanks and swimsuits. 


Say Anything (2)

Today I was driving down to Springfield to meet Barrett for lunch and do some last minute school stuff before I start down at Lane CC next week. The traffic was heavy, and I was in a quiet mood (happens a lot), but my four-year old was not (is he ever?). 

"Mama, when I die will you see my food?" 
Me, very distracted, "huh?" 
"Mama, when I die, will you see my food?" Because repeating the same exact question will really help me understand. 
"Isaiah, I don't know what you mean...you wouldn't need food if you were dead." (Duh!)
"No Mama, I mean will you see what's inside my stomach if I were dead and laying there?" 
"No..., ummm....you'd just be lying there like you were in a very quiet sleep." 
"So Mama, dinosaurs show their bones when they die." (Ah, I was starting to kind of get it.) 
"Well, after some time your skin and muscles kind of break apart...I know that sounds yucky, but eventually you would be bones too, like a dinosaur.  But, where would your soul go?"
 "In my bones?"
 "No, silly. We hope our souls will go up to Heaven." 
"Oh. I hope you're the same person in Heaven. Will you be different?" 
"I'm not sure...I hope not. I hope I get to see everyone I love." 
"Me too, Mama." 
And there you have it, the deep conversation with my 4 year-old! :)

Another one today that I thought was kind of cute:
"This store is by where Barrett lived, right Mama?" (if I could count how many times I hear right Mama? in a day...it'd be a lot!)
"Yes, kind of."
"Barrett lived here, and you and daddy fighted a lot, and then went to different houses. Then you came here to get me another dad."
"That's not quite how it happened. I didn't know Barrett yet when Daddy and I argued a lot."
He didn't say much else about that, because we went in the store. I didn't bother correcting too much. He knows he has a dad, but he also knows that Barrett is a daddy to him too, just like Heidi is another mama. Rarely does he slip, but every now and then he calls Barrett "Dada", and I'll admit that I think it's sweet. I just want the boys to feel love no matter where they go, and I don't care if he calls Barrett Big Purple Sock-Eating Dinosaur (sorry, with 2 boys dinos are on the brain!), as long as he knows that he is loved.

To go a completely different route, here is a Say Anything moment from my brief time dating. I went on a date with this guy while Barrett and I were dating (don't worry, he knew about it!). I had to see what else was out there, and this other guy had contacted me (lots did, and I am not bragging, just saying that I had over 15 different contacts within the first 2 weeks on Match.), and he seemed funny and successful. He was divorced with two kids...originally I was looking for something closer to that-I thought they'd understand my life a bit better. I didn't have anyone to watch the boys because I had already been out twice that week, so he came by the house with wine and cheese and crackers. Yeah, yeah...he could have been a complete creeper, but my folks lived there, and we had two large dogs and awesome neighbors, so I felt safe...plus my ex was a cop, and offered to scare anyone that felt weird to me when I was dating, lol! Anyhow, we chatted, it wasn't too awkward, he was an attractive man and very nice. We talked about everything for like three hours...but the whole time I kept thinking of Barrett. I was already falling hard for him, but trying to make sure he was the right one, you know? This new guy moved in to kiss me. My thoughts were why not, might as well see if I like it. It was nice, but again, I thought of Barrett. "Can't you just feel the connection?" new guy said to me.  In my head, I was thinking ummm....no, not really? But I made up some excuse about needing to work the next day and thank you for a nice night and all that and sent him on his way. I called Barrett up when new guy was leaving the driveway and apologized and asked if we could be exclusive again. Luckily, Barrett has always been my patient, understanding rock. That same night I got a text from new guy saying how incredibly great I was, could he see me again soon, and he'd be thinking of me. I didn't respond. The next morning I texted new guy. I was honest. I told him I was more interested in the other guy I'd been seeing. He asked for another chance, a few weeks even. He sent me a message saying that he would "hold my hand and walk with me through life", which to be honest would have been melt-my-heart worthy if from Barrett, but was kind of creepy from a dude I'd just met! 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

7 Years for My Miracle...and Counting

I would be remiss if I did not blog about one of the most important, and life-changing events in my life, and that is my Matthew. Seven years ago tonight he entered this world, making me a mom. I dug out his baby book this morning, and looked at the pictures (first of my sickly looking preemie baby, but then of my chubby toddler). In 2005, when Matthew was born, a gallon of gas was just $2.41, and The DaVinci Code and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire had just come out. :)

On Matt's first birthday, I wrote him a letter to read when he turns 18. I am thinking of adding another for him as well as for Isaiah too. I hope they will find them special. I have decided to share what I wrote for him  before his first birthday in 2006.

Scoring a Goal!

Dear Matthew, 
Happy eighteenth birthday my son!

As I write this, it is just twelve days before your first birthday, and what a year it has been! You went from being a tiny five-pound, premature baby to a strong, healthy and very bright little boy in just the blink of an eye. I am sure the from now until I give you this when you become a man will be just another blink away. I wanted to write to you so that you will know about your early days, as I am sure you will not remember! :)

You are a bundle of energy for sure, crawling at hyper-speed, dancing (or bouncing) to music, exploring books, and eating everything in sight! You love your bath-time, and walks in the field with Papa. You giggle like crazy when Daddy tickles and wrestles you, and cling to Nana when you are tired. You are the star of all our eyes, and very, very loved. I call you Mattie and my little bug, and smother you with hugs and kisses. I know the time will come when you are too big for that, and when being around me is not such a treat. For now though, your face lights when I walk in the room, and at this moment in time, I am your hero.

Your dad and I waited for five years of marriage before deciding to start a family. When we decided we were ready, it had been a tough year. My cousin, Windy, had been diagnosed with leukemia, and Nan (your great-grandmother), had been diagnosed with brain cancer. Nan had surgery in hopes of removing her tumor, just days before Windy passed. I prayed for a miracle, a glimmer of hope in such a sad time. That same week we found out I was pregnant with you! How excited we were for you! Being pregnant was like the anticipation of Christmas, only better.

You came 4 1/2 weeks early, and gave us quite the scare for awhile, but that is another story, and I imagine you will think this letter is already long! You did get to meet Nan, for a few months before she too, passed on. Even though the chemo had made her very weak, and her strokes made her unable to communicate well, she would smile and try to talk to you. You would gaze up at her and touch her face. I think that you were a bright light to her, an angel in her time of need. 

As you turn one, I dream of the many years I hope to spend with you. I don't have great ambitions for you, at least not in the way of career or money. I know you will accomplish whatever you set out to do. I just want a life of love and happiness for you. I want you to know that I will always love you, and I will be here to talk whenever. Thank you, Mattie, for making me a mom. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Go Placidly Amid the Noise and Haste

Today I woke up early again to ride the bike, though every cell in my body wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to Barrett and forget exercise. After about 2 minutes on the bike Isaiah came in, and I sent him to find Barrett to ask for cartoons (so much for beating the sun and the kids awake!). Then cue Matthew, then Isaiah again, then Barrett and the puppy. I was  not a happy camper. It had taken all I possessed to get me on the stinking bike this AM, and it felt like the world was conspiring against me. I need to be left alone about 2 times during the day...when I attempt to exercise, and when I do my hair and makeup...other than that, I am pretty lax about interactions, even when in the shower or on the toilet! ;)Then, after Matt and Barrett are gone, Isaiah wants to play with the remote-control helicopter again (the one I thought had been charged all night), but it seems it won't hold a charge...already-that the batteries in the remote unit need replaced. It's one of those stupid, mom-hating, need a screwdriver to replace the batteries toys. I know how to wield a screwdriver, even knew where one was, but NO, it's one that needs like a tiny, miniature screwdriver...sigh. So, the helicopter will have to wait for my much-handier-than-I husband. Then I go to make Isaiah a bubble bath, and turn the water on, and it proceeds to SOAK the top of my head, apparently Matt had left it on shower setting. To top that all off, the X Box decided to quit working (we have no TV, just Netflix and Amazon...which we play through the X Box), and then the iPod won't work on it's dock (which I did get working). It's only nine in the morning, and I feel like I need a do-over!

But now, the storm has passed. Max is laying on the floor watching Isaiah build a train track while I type and listen to Pandora. When Barrett and I were married, his grandmother gave me a small book that was his mother's. It is called Desiderata. I thought it was a poem, and it sort of is, along with a prayer and advice. There was also a plaque that his mom had with the verses on it that now hangs in our bedroom. I have come to love it and look at it when I feel overwhelmed. Barrett's mom was a marriage and family therapist that raised Barrett on her own, often with the help of her parents. She was interested in psychology, relationships, spirituality and education. She loved the ocean and Chinese food. She frequently re-decorated their home. In these ways Barrett has told me that I am like her, and that I feel is a huge compliment. I will never get to meet her, as she passed a few years before he and I met. There was this tapestry that  I thought was ugly and was kind of a brat about. Barrett had hung onto it even though he had already gotten rid of a lot of her things before I ever knew him. I had joked about it not going up in our house. Then, I asked him why he kept that picture out of everything. He has said it had hung in his home, and reminded him of her, even though he admitted it was not the prettiest thing. After that, I found a place for the tapestry, and it hangs in our entry way above the front door of our home. And you know what? I am fond of it. It is a reminder that in a relationship, heck in a life, we weave our roots and vines with others to make one beautiful mess. It may not be as neat as if we grew alone, but it is much stronger. Below, though fairly long, you should check out Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. The title is Latin, and means the things wanted, needed, or necessary. And here is a link that explores the poem better: History behind Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may
be in silence. As far as possible
without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly 
and clearly, and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant,
they too, have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive 
persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself 
with others, you may become
vain and bitter, for always
there will be greater and
lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements
as well as your plans.

Keep interested
in your own career, 
however humble, it is a real
possession in the changing
fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business
affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is,
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself, especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face 
of aridity and disenchantment 
it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, 
no less than the trees and the stars, 
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life, 
keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, 
it is still a beautiful world. 
Be careful.
Strive to be happy. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Just a Typical Monday Morning

Today is a typical weekday in my new routine, at least I am hoping it is what typical will look like for the next  four months or so. I woke up at 5:30 AM, then hit snooze 3 times, finally getting up at 5:54 ish. I threw on my yoga pants and climbed on the exercise bike with my Kindle Fire. I only rode 3.25 miles this morning, but I was still pretty happy-it's the first time I have gotten on it in a week and a half of having a cold. I was only up to 4.5 miles beforehand, so I am getting there...slowly. I showered and threw on some jeans and tee-shirt, and then breakfast was ready upstairs. One egg over-easy, one piece of sourdough toast and coffee with Creme Brulee creamer was waiting for me on the table. With the exception of some weekend mornings, Barrett makes breakfast each morning before he showers and goes to work. I love our routine!  After breakfast, I reminded Matthew to grab his lunch, and then walked down our driveway to wait for his bus. Max (our new German Shepherd puppy) followed me out to do his business, and Matthew and I talked about how much we love Fall. The trees on the hillside we face are turning yellow, red, brown and orange, and a few Maple trees on our property are dropping huge red and yellow leaves. Gorgeous!

After a few minutes with my love, Barrett left for work, and I directed Isaiah through making his bed, cleaning up his breakfast plate, and straightening up his room. Then, he proceeded to play with some of Matthew's new toys from his birthday party yesterday-I told him he could if he was very careful. He loves the new remote-control helicopter. Right now, he is watching a Baby Einstein movie which I thought he had grown out of, but he likes the ones that have all the animals and music...actually great for his attention span! :)

Planned for today is a trip to the park with Isaiah and Max which will include a walk around the path there (maybe I'll grab Isaiah's bike), him playing on the playground, and a visit down to the river. Lunch is hot dogs, and I also plan to read to Zay a bit today and get some laundry done. Later today we have Matt's soccer practice. This week I have to ferry Isaiah to Heidi for a visit to the dentist, have a Yoga date with one girlfriend, and lunch with another, a play-date with Isaiah, and a lunch visit with Barrett on Friday including a visit to Lane Community College to see where my two Fall classes are. This weekend, Greg has the boys, but we still see them at their two soccer games, and I am hoping for a date night with my hubby on Friday or Saturday night. I will also be researching the Dominican Republic, because we are considering an all-inclusive vacation this coming Spring there. (Look it up, it sounds bad, but it's actually a tourist hot spot with gorgeous resorts and beaches...for like half the price of Hawaii).

This is my life as I know it right now. I hope this post hasn't bored you too much. I am enjoying the slower pace to my days without work, without rush in the morning, and without a ton of added stress. I get to cook, and clean (which I usually don't mind too much), read and blog, and play with my little son. I feel really lucky and incredibly blessed with this typical day and life. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

How to Make Co-Parenting Work

"This is my ex-wife, Sarah," my ex-husband introduced me at the baby shower for him and his wife. Say that 5 times fast. Awkward? Yes, but only for a minute. I preferred the way his wife introduced me to her family and friends, "This is Sarah, Matthew and Isaiah's mom." I know at times it has to also be awkward for her, like at the boys' first soccer games when the very perky team mom introduced herself to the boys' dad and extended her hand to Heidi and said, "You must be Sarah." When Heidi declined, persistently friendly team parent asked, "Well, who are you then?" The fact of the matter is that our parenting quartet is getting better and more experienced everyday. While we may get some looks sometimes, co-parenting is actually working quite nicely for all of us. I love how Matt lists all the family names on his schoolwork when asked about his family. Mom, Dad, Barrett, Heidi, Isaiah, Wylie and Zoey in addition to himself (As Barrett pointed out, it makes it look like he has 5 siblings! But who cares?), and sometimes also Nan and Pop (my parents). If he were to list all the pets between the three homes that he considers to be his, he would have 3 horses, 6 dogs, 1 cat, and one guinea pig!

Shared custody was difficult at first. I knew I had to be okay with it, because their dad loves them, and me being upset with him didn't change that! Our custody arrangement is pretty typical, it's the 75% to 25% ratio. Meaning, they "live" with us, and they are with their dad every other weekend. Because we made the arrangement ourselves though, just loosely based on some guidelines, sometimes there is more time with their dad, and sometimes there are long stents with my parents as well. We share holidays fairly well, and soccer games, conferences,school programs and birthdays are events that we all attend if we can, and sometimes it's a weird combination like my ex and I or Barrett and him, or Heidi and I. We say, whatever works. We all love the children so much, and that is the only thing that really matters.

Maybe you aren't in a situation like mine, but if you are and are lucky enough to have a decent relationship with the other people in your kids' lives, I have come up with a few guidelines below for some co-parenting tips. And remember, it's only as weird as you let it be.


  • Keep each other informed. Shoot an email or text (or even a call) to the parents that couldn't attend something, and let them know how it went. And keep guilt out of it!
  • Share responsibilities. In our families, we take care of doctor visits, and their dad does dentist appointments. 
  • Share expenses. We share the cost of sports and sports' camps. 
  • Make it a point to be friendly to everyone involved and never speak ill of the other adults in front of your children!
  • Include other kids involved. Always say hello and be inclusive to any other step or half siblings. They did not ask for the situation!
  • Remember important dates. Always have your kids call their step-parent on Mother's or Father's Day and their birthdays. 
  • Discuss any concerns. Do not let a molehill become a mountain. Tactfully and patiently discuss any snafus that have come up.
  • Do small things together. Have a lunch date, take a day-trip, and show that you all know how to have a good time as one big, happy extended family. 
  • Be grateful. Your kids are lucky to have so many people to look out for them! :)

Friday, September 14, 2012

Just Bite Your Tongue Until it Bleeds...

I love Facebook, and the fact that because of it and texting and the internet in general we can keep in contact with many people that we probably otherwise wouldn't. Sometimes though, I am appalled at the things that people say to one another and somehow think that it's ok. It's like those cute little old ladies that feel like they can say ANYTHING as long as it is followed by "bless their heart." It goes like this, "Oh, that poor baby is all wrinkled and ugly like my Aunt Felda, bless her heart." Yeah-you know what I'm saying!

 A friend of mine had a huge tragedy befall her. Her house caught fire, and while she and the children got out, her animals were inside. This breaks my heart for her and the kids. Some "friend" of hers posted that she doesn't crate her dogs for that very reason. REALLY??!! Yeah, because that comment was helpful. Who needs enemies with "friends" like that, right? Right? Nod with me if you too are aghast at the callousness and stupidity of that comment.

Oftentimes people say things without thinking that their words are hurtful to others. I have another friend with 4 young boys. When she is out with them in tow, people often come right up to her and ask if she is "still trying for a girl." I only have 2 boys, and I have been asked that. Without knowing any background, I guess people might not know that yes...both her and I wanted a girl, and no...neither of us are trying anymore. And while we love our kids to death, it'd be better if you well...minded your own business. 

Other times people say things to you because they feel it is in your best interest, or avoid talking to you about the things that matter most to you because they disagree. Many friendships have been scarred irreparably like this. The fact that I was dating so soon after my divorce bothered some of my family and my friends. So, they wouldn't talk to me about Barrett...or, they gave advice that they thought they needed to give, but it wasn't helpful (or kind) at all. While relationships can heal, especially when people admit their wrongdoing, it would be a lie to say that I  don't still think of some of the things said and suggested to me during a time that I was otherwise happy and falling in love. It also made me sad that my happiness made others uncomfortable. Sometimes I wanted to scream "It's not like you had to go through the divorce!" or "You have no idea what it's like right now!"- but I usually kept quiet. 

You see, a long time ago, as children, we probably all learned, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I'm here to do you one better on that. BITE YOUR TONGUE...Until it bleeds if you have to.

When We Lose Our Way...Part 1

I'd like to say that I found God in my early twenties, and that I was saved and never looked back. I'd like to say that I never question my own faith, the wisdom of others, and that I always act in a way that people could be proud of. I'd like to say that...but I can't. I have done things in my life that I am not proud of, things that have hurt people beyond reason, and I have taken actions that would definitely not make me the best role model for others. I have gossiped. I have been envious. I have lusted. I have taken the many treasures in my life for granted. 

Sometimes when we look at the things that we have done wrong, it is hard to see if we have ever gotten it right. But I know that we all have. I know that at times I have been the best mom, friend and wife ever. I know that at times I have built people up and set them on the right path. I know that even in an unhappy marriage, I was loyal for 10+ years. I know that I care when I mess up, even if it takes me awhile. 


I know that lately I have been doing the self-finding that people speak of doing when you are in your early twenties...but I was married then, working and in college. Now, I am beginning to wonder about things. I personally, know without a doubt that there is a God. He was there when my son was born and shouldn't have been. He was there when I laid on the bathroom floor sobbing when my marriage failed. And He is there everyday when I thank Him for the husband and family I have. But I am going to lay myself perfectly, embarrassingly open to you, my readers. I am opening up to tell you that I truly welcome your guidance and advice, but that I also blog because I find it to be cleansing. I do not seek to offend you or mock in any way the beliefs that you have come to have.

One thing I have trouble with is the entire concept of God. I guess I tend to think more in like a spiritual sense...it's hard to put it into words. I think God is everywhere, in everyone. I have trouble understanding why this supreme being needs us to worship him...because why would He need us? Why are we supposed to be guilty when we spend a Sunday hiking with our kids instead of sitting in a church? What if on the hike we gave thanks to God? Does it matter where we were? 


I have trouble thinking that one (or a small handful) of religious groups have it "right" and that everyone else will be barred from Heaven. I don't understand. At all. Some of the best people I have ever known have been Mormon, Buddhist and Catholic. Do they all have it inherently wrong?


I once listened to a sermon about animals and how the speaker said they have no souls, only humans do...so only humans can go to Heaven...and I was dismayed and confused. Had he never known a dog? Had a friendship with an animal? Known the close bond? And I wondered, why would our Creator go to the trouble to make these wonderful creatures if they were without souls?


Do you have questions too? Or do you have answers? I'd love to discuss. I know that I need God. I know that I am a far better person when I am seeking what is right. I know that I believe, but I also know that my faith is more childlike in the fact that I have all these wonderments and no real answers...


To be Continued.....

Thursday, September 13, 2012

When True Love Doesn't Wait...What Then?

I am taking on this topic because it is one that I have genuine interest in, and because thanks to our freedoms in the US, I have every right to discuss it in the manner I see fit. I also am terribly aware of the fact that I may say something that offends you, my reader. I don't expect you to agree with me. Heck, I'd be surprised if everyone did, but I do expect you to be respectful and to add your own pearls of wisdom to the discussion if it pleases you. I welcome you.

After working at a Christian school, I became increasingly aware of just how big of a topic teenage sexuality is. I was not born yesterday, and I graduated from a high school in California with a graduating class of over 400 students...roughly 13X bigger than the school I worked at. Sex happened. Quite often and with no regards to social, economic or even intelligence levels. It was a common thing, not reserved only for the "cheerleaders and jocks", but for the "nerds," "4H", "drama," and "skater" kids alike. Plenty were not "doing it"-but plenty were. I hate to sound desensitized, but it really wasn't something anyone made much fuss about. I am not saying that is right, I am merely stating that no one really cared. At my former employer it was different, and presumably so. There was an annual assembly called The Silver Ring Thing that shared a message about sex before marriage and why it is better that true love waits. Many of the teens would also go to the nighttime version the same day, taking their parents with them. They would show up at school the next day wearing their own silver ring, right on the left ring finger where a wedding band would eventually go. In essence, I see nothing wrong with this sentiment. If waiting is important to a person, then they should indeed wait. 

What heightened my own curiosity was a study my college anatomy 2 professor shared with us. You can read it here: Virginity Pledger Statistics. The study found that among teenagers, those you pledged to remain virgins had just as much premarital sex as those who did not don a ring. 82% of pledgers actually denied ever taking the pledge within 5 years after taking it. The more unfortunate news was that the pledgers that went ahead and had sex, were much less likely to use any form of protection against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, putting their group at higher risk of sexually transmitted infections and parenthood. The fact of the matter was those that did not plan on having sex, truly did not plan even in the heat of the moment and then put themselves at higher risk then fellow teens that actively sought out birth control methods. Let me state the obvious: Sex is never an accident!!! For all the times I have heard the phrase, "It just kind of happened," or "We didn't mean to". Really?! This is when my sarcasm goes into overdrive and I am thinking, So you just kinda happened to take off your skivvies at the same time, and he fell and landed...You get my drift. 

I think waiting is a fine idea. I think that it is probably what God wants. I know that premarital sex can lead to many hurt and dysfunctional relationships and people. Here is what I also know, because I am trying to play Devil's Advocate (heehee...appropriate here I guess) on this issue as well. Saving yourself versus not saving yourself for your partner makes little difference in the grand scheme of things for your relationship and sexuality with one another. Now before you throw tomatoes at your screen in righteous anger, I said little difference in your relationship, I did not say little difference to God...so it may indeed make a difference to Him. I would just like to point out that plenty of couples who have had premarital sex (either with one another or a different partner) still enjoy happy, sexually fulfilling marriages and it does not stop them from having a faith either. On the same hand, plenty of people that waited to have sex may have dysfunction in their sexuality with one another, and then that special thing they waited for seems to pale in comparison to what they had dreamed of. Getting married to finally get the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow happens all too often. Then the marriage is driven by lust, not love or friendship. Sure, it can work nicely for a couple, and sometimes it doesn't. Both sides of the coin here, people. In this blog, the author takes on the concept of the Purity Ball: I promise, but what I found interesting were some of the comments the post elicited. What do you think?

My take on the matter is that purity because you want to have a stronger relationship with God is admirable, and I understand this take. But waiting your whole life, hoping someday God will bring you the man (or woman) you are meant to have sex with is...well, kind of sad, and the reason many virgins in their twenties and thirties stop waiting. You MUST read: Not "Waiting" Anymore. And even better, perhaps the reason it is SO hard for Christians to wait, but it is rarely talked about: people in Biblical times were often married off between 13-17 years of age-a must read article from CNN: Why Christians Aren't Waiting. Add to that the fact that though many pastors will encourage youth to wait, even drill it into them...many did not wait themselves. I am not saying that "two wrongs make a right," but I am saying that if you couldn't do it-how do you expect them to?

I am not sure what the "solution" is, or if one is even needed...What I do know, as a former educator from a charter then a Christian school, is that schools NEED to teach sexual education. We falsely reason that these kids are getting talked to at home (they come from such nice homes after-all)...but guess what? Many of them aren't. Then schools make the mistake of talking to them when they are 16 years old. Ummm....does anyone else see the problem with this picture. Talking to kids about safe sex does not make them want to go out and have sex, anymore than talking to me about airbags makes me want to purchase a  new car. We are doing our teens a huge disservice by not telling them the dangers and the realities that sex can bring. I used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 (yeah, yeah), and there is an episode that I LOVE and still remember about the school and parents arguing about whether or not to have sex ed. One of the moms finally says, "Not talking to our kids about sex is like us all having swimming pools behind fences but not teaching our kids how to swim. Sooner or later, they will all climb the fence, and if they drown..it's our fault." I couldn't agree more. While abstinence is a great answer, it is not the answer that 80-88% of teens choose by the time they reach 18. Open talks about sex with parents, teachers, even pastors need to become more prevalent. Just Sayin'.