This is me- Signing Off

I began this blog almost a year ago, last summer when I was up at Oregon State University taking the anatomy sequence. As of today, I have had 7, 584 reads, and for something that I began as really a journal for myself that others could follow, I am amazed by that number! It is time for Cadavers and Coffee to sign off though. I am honestly not sure if this will just be a few month hiatus until fall, or if I will no longer be blogging for quite some time. You can let me know if you would enjoy reading further, and I will keep that in mind. :)

This began sort of as a chronicle of my personal journey, and though the journey is indeed continuing, I am not sure it will be on this blog. I will let you know. :) One reason that the blog needs an absence is the fact that I will also be taking a few month (or more) period of no Facebook (as of the end of this week)-which is the main way I "advertise" my posts. The reason for my internet absence is that I really need to work on a few personal things, such as caring less about myself (and how many people read a post or "like" a picture-does anyone else get hung up in this at times??), and focus more on others. Sometimes the online world can become an obsession, and can hinder the time we have with the flesh and blood people right in front of us. I cringe to think of how many moments with my children I may have missed while I "just got online for a minute". While I know that I need my outlets too, it is perhaps time to explore others. 



I will still be working on my book-though it is proving to take longer than I thought it would (I do have 7 chapters down though!), but it may need a brief hiatus too. I need time with my family, and grandparents who will be here in August. I need time to exercise, to draw, to bake, to read, and to live.  There are some bigger things coming for me. Reading my first few blog posts, in some ways I have come full circle. You, my readers, have shared with me as I searched myself to know my calling.You have read my fears, my doubts, and my triumphs.  I have no doubt annoyed some of you with my indecisiveness. You will be happy to know that I am done with that.  

Have you ever felt really passionate about something? The only way I can hope to describe this feeling is by comparing it to that of patriotism. Bear with me. Do you ever sing the Star-Spangled Banner, see a story on the internet about a soldier and what he has waiting at home, or ever feel moved by something good that our country has done? If you have, you may identify with that choked up, verge of tears feeling you get as your heart swells with pride, compassion, and communion with others. For the longest time I have been in awe of medicine. The white coats, sterile hospitals, ironed scrubs, and the stories of doctors, nurses and EMTs move me in a way that is only comparable to my patriotic example. 

Sometimes the path is winding.

When I began my journey, I was goal-oriented. I knew all the details, and the steps of my proposed path. That's not in and of itself a bad thing, but I was losing sight of things. I was dismayed by how long it all could take, and the goal that seemed so far away. I was irritated and perhaps a bit egotistical that a girl with a Master's degree had to still start at step one! I was also terrified. While school has always come easy for me, Anatomy was difficult (though I did get 4 A's and 2 B's in the accelerated version!), and I felt because I had to work at it-maybe I was not cut out for it. (Yeah...I know). I also worried about my lack of gracefulness, my ability to do physical tasks without stumbling, fumbling, and tripping over myself. Nothing about the actual job scared me, grossed me out, or made me worry. It was my lack of confidence in me. My scrubs still hang front and center in my closet. I have not gotten rid of them. They taunt me with the thing that I want, but am afraid of. I am afraid of the things that I will have to work at, I am afraid of the future that may be full of back-breaking work, long hours, and undesirable shifts. But I simply cannot envision myself anywhere else. I was afraid shift work could ruin my family. BUT I have had a few realizations: My family (especially my Barrett) supports me 100%, and will be there no matter what. Sometimes we have to work really hard for what we want. Practice will allow my uncertainty to become assurance over time. Mainly though, the goal is to serve and help others. The goal is not the letters after my name, the CNA, LPN, or RN. The goal is not an end. The goal is simply being in that environment, with patients, learning, and living. It took me this long to realize that even if I am a CNA for years before getting into another program, that is okay.

They're just letters.

So...on the day that I was invited to interview for a program to become a counselor, I instead write to you. I could not shake it, no matter how hard I tried. I could not forget my desire, the knowledge I have already gained, and that I have which to acquire. It laid dormant for awhile, but was always there, sleeping...waiting for the right moment, waiting I guess on my own growth and maturity.  Instead today I begin again, gathering information, applying to a CNA program. This time I will finish. This time my fears will not get in the way, but my passion will lead me down my path. There may be many things that I could do, and perhaps even be happy with, but even without the letters by my name yet, I am a nurse. This is me, and I can do this. My heart is there for the right reasons as never before. In the last year I have gained a few invaluable things: time with my Isaiah at home, time to volunteer, time to realize that fear is not allowed to get in my way,  and time to get to know the woman I am, and can be. And you know what? I like her. 

This is me, signing off. 
-Sarah

Our "Summer To Do List"

Last year we made a list of activities we wanted to do over the summer months and hung it on the fridge. We did everything except going to the zoo, but have since decided that is a fall thing because the animals are less lazy then (as are the people walking around!). I just finished making our list for this summer (yes, I know it is the end of June, but living in Oregon, true summer is just starting! And I have until September until the kids return to school).

I figured I would share our list in case anyone else is in need of family fun ideas. A lot of these would make great date ideas as well! I have seen some super fancy ways to display such "bucket lists" on Pinterest, but ours just goes on colored paper, and each item on a small sticky note-then we pull them off as we accomplish them. Some things we will inevitably do more than once because they are things that are cheap, easy, and close to home, while others take more planning. Other activities are very easy to combine, such as kite flying and day at the beach. This list has some things specific to our area here in the Willamette Valley, but I encourage you to find things close to you and make your own list! It's fun. I even go as far as penciling in the ideas in my planner for weekends we have the kiddos, because otherwise we end up wondering where the weekends have gone! One entire week the boys go to soccer camp, which is not overnight, but they are wiped OUT each day, and two whole weeks they go to their dad's, so we make sure we can fit our activities in. The list was made gathering input from all my boys over the last week or so, and then researching some other cool stuff to do around here.

Here it is:

Summer To Do List

• Aquarium and day at the beach
• Camping
• Watch Perseid meteor shower
• Tillamook Cheese Factory
• Read! Alone, together, outside, out-loud! (My kids earn incentives for time reading (Matt) and knowledge of letters and sounds (Zay)).
• Bowling
• Kite flying
• Planetarium (we have a smallish one in Eugene and a big one in Portland)
• Go on a carnival ride (or 3!)
• Sleep under the stars
• Tour a lighthouse (Heceta Head)
• Watch fireworks
• Family bike ride
• Linn County Fair
• Swim in a lake
• Oregon Garden
• Browse Yard Sales
• Bonfire
• Drive in Movie
• Chuck E. Cheese just for fun, no birthday parties!
• Picnic in a Park
• Swim in Calapooia River (it's like 10 minutes away!)
  

I also made a list of a few fun things (for days that 5:30 -when my other half comes home- cannot come soon enough!)

• Photo shoot of my boys outside
• water balloon fights and games
• 4th of July Crafts
• Tie-dye t-shirts
• sock bubbles
• fluffy stuff summer snowball fight (it is cornstarch and shaving cream molded into snowballs)
• rock collecting and/or skipping rocks at the river
• swimming
• coloring pages
• make oobleck
• garden/weed flowers (my boys actually like weeding!)
• I also have some other science type experiments, but that'd take another blog post to organize! 

What do you do for fun each summer? I'd love to hear about it.

Happy Summer!

Putting Down the Bell for Good

In our office at home, there upon the desk is my teacher's bell. It was with me during my four short years in the classroom. It is a reminder that I was, and in some ways, will always be a teacher. It is a reminder of students that touched my heart. I had a high school student (a few actually) that would put scotch tape on my bell on the underneath so that when I went to ring it, it would not ring. Those were good times. I will miss teaching, but I am putting down the bell for good. It is relegated to do its part now as a symbol of where I have been, but there are other places I have yet to be. 

I had been waiting to hear about one final job I had interviewed for and one other district I had applied (but not gotten an interview for yet). Last week I received a letter in the mail saying I was not chosen to interview, and just yesterday I received an email about my previous interview for a school that the position for a part-time science teacher had been filled. A month ago, I would have cried, but on Friday I actually chuckled, and said "okay, God, you've got me." When I got the bright idea way back in April that I would apply for teaching positions, Barrett and I had decided that I would do so on three conditions: 1) that I would only apply to jobs I thought I would want (like not an hour commute away), that if I was not offered a teaching job I would pursue counseling as a career, and 3) that I would trust in the plan that God has for me. Part of my reasoning (admittedly) was that it seemed an easy out (or way back in?). This was what I had gone to school for, and it meant not going anymore. But education is never a waste. I will always use what I learned, with my family, with my friends, and in every endeavor I come across. 

This past year has been a long and bumpy ride. I left a solid job to become a nurse, felt in my heart it was the wrong decision (never leaving where I was, but nursing), and spent the next 6 months being a stay-home mom to Isaiah (and Matt when he was home!), doing a small bit of subbing, and doing a large bit of soul-searching. I have discovered so much about myself, and my time has been full of tears of frustration, laughter with my family, and hope for a new beginning. In more than one way, I have been given the gift of a second chance. Yes, there have been days that I have felt hopeless, days where I felt I didn't have a place, but there have also been other days, more days that I feel alive, strong, and ready to take on the world. 

I am volunteering at a pregnancy center as well as mentoring a young, pregnant girl that I have taken a liking to. I am writing a book about my own struggles through divorce. Our house plans are finally taking shape, and could begin in the next month or so. Barrett's grandparents are joining us at the end of August. Isaiah will begin kindergarten in the fall. I had plans to go to school this fall, and they fell through, but I am awaiting one more call and interview for a graduate program in clinical mental health counseling that still has a handful of openings to begin in September.  I am very hopeful. I feel I now know my purpose, but I also know that God has his own timing. I have experienced it again and again in my own life. It was not through my own timing that my Matthew would be delivered just in time to save his life, not through my timing that I would spend 12 years in a relationship that ultimately failed, and not my timing that I would meet the man of my dreams just days before my divorce was final. I feel calm, happy, and satisfied. So, whether I am meant to go to school in the fall or not, I will know soon enough, but I learned something. I may have finally learned patience. 

How to Love an Idealist

I am an idealist in every sense of the word. I see things in my head so clear and true the way that I think they should be. Before every major (and often minor) event in my life, I have an entire outline in my head of what should happen. I know the conversations that should take place, the actions that need to occur, and everything that happens later if things go as they should. Often, my idealism gets in the way of reality a bit. Sometimes it makes me naive to the goings on in the world. Some things are too awful for me to wrap my

head around that they actually exist, or too simple a fix in my mind that I can't clearly see the problem for what it is. Sometimes I may even come across as insensitive to a cause when I am actually anything but, because of the aforementioned issues.

At times, my predisposition for seeing the best in situations has come back to bite me, hard. I have been told that often things and people don't live up to my expectations because my expectations are so incredibly high. Then I am disappointed beyond belief because what I thought should happen, how I thought things should go, didn't come anywhere near. This doesn't always make me optimistic, but it does make me believe that everything always works itself out. Sometimes I am so angry with the world, or so disappointed. Sometimes I am bored with it. I don't say that to sound stuck-up, just real. Does anyone else have this problem?

I was thinking that sometimes I am hard to love because my head is so often in the clouds...or really, truth be told, I am living within my own head. My head is a wondrous place to be. I would invite everyone there if I could! If you have been reading me for awhile, you know that I am hugely interested in things like personality type and introversion versus extroversion. While I don't think that anything defines us 100%, I think that these "typing" tests can give you (and others) a great idea about why you are the way you are. Read 52% Introvert, How About You? It has links to 3 great FREE tests. Anyhow, back to my thoughts here. Maybe you recognize that you too are an idealist, or maybe you are in love with one (and they drive you insane with their lack of practicality at times!). 

This morning I decided to make a list of ways that an Idealist can be shown love: 

How to Love an Idealist

• We love symbolic gifts. Honestly. A memento from a great trip can hold more meaning than something new that is bright and shiny. AND if you point out why it is special, we will love it even more. 
• Some of my own personal favorite items: A bracelet that belonged to Barrett's mom that has his name on it, a necklace my parents got me that is a nest with 2 eggs (symbolizing my two boys)
• We need to know you are thinking of us. Thankfully, the electronic age has made this pretty easy. Send a text or an email saying that you miss us and we are in your thoughts. Often.
• Have private jokes with us and other things that are "ours", like a television show we watch, a song, a place, even a pet. It makes us feel like there is a deeper level to our relationship.
• We are very sensitive to what others think, especially you if we are in a relationship. Please know that often listening (without providing answers) is the BEST way you can show support.
• We have strong values. Whatever they may be, we need to know that we are in sync on them.
• I think the first time Barrett experienced my passion was when he brought up the topic of abortion when we were dating, and saw me moved to anger and tears as I talked about my feelings on it. And of course, the way it should be.  I also believe that people walk their own personal walk in faith, but having a man that believed in God was very important to me, no matter what their church attendance was like.
• We crave need intimacy in every way. One way we feel intimate with you is to know your deepest secrets. Tell us something you have never told anyone, and not only will we keep it safe, but you will have a friend for life. 
• Do not withhold information when something is wrong. Most idealists are highly intuitive, and we can see right through you or even know you are upset sometimes before you realize why (B and I have experienced this many times). If you hide something, we will not only be upset you didn't share it, but we will view this as a breach of trust.
• In some ways we can be an open book. Sometimes we over share or say too much. Love us anyway. Love that we can tell you any second of the day what we are feeling (which is often like 5+ things at once!)
• We long for romance and can lose interest quickly in overly social atmospheres, wanting instead meaningful encounters with only one person.

Other things you should know: 

1. We are intensely loyal and devoted. 
2. Haha! I loved this quote: "An Idealist's"truest" self is the self search of itself, or in other words, her purpose in life is to have a purpose in life!"
3. We are not flaky by nature, but we can come across that way. We wander. We wander spiritually, psychologically, and topically. We may even like to wander geographically because we want to experience life at its fullest.
4. Idealists devote much of their time to pursuing their own identity, their personal meaning, what they signify-their true Self. It is not, mind you, that they are self-centered, self-serving, or selfish; they have to find this in order to help others and change the world!
5. Idealist expression is rich in exaggeration and overstatement.  We do not say we are "somewhat" interested in an idea, or dissatisfied "in some degree" with a person's behavior; we are "totally" fascinated or "completely" disgusted, "perfectly" delighted, or "absolutely" appalled.
6. We sometimes appear ADD, like we can't form a thought to save our lives, but it's because there are SO many thought in there!
7. "The Idealists, warm, generous, vivacious, soulful, personally conscientious, and interpersonally sensitive, are quite attractive to the other temperaments." Quote from: Idealists

J.R.R. Tolkein

My Big Announcement

No, I did not get a job, and am not with child. There, that is out of the way! :) I decided to share my latest endeavor on here, to keep my readers afloat of what is going on in my life, as well as to garner your support. After much prodding from my sweet husband, my family, and my readers, I have decided to write a book. I do not expect this to be some huge profit-making grand scheme, full-time career, or to become a best-selling author. I have not yet decided if I will go the route of trying to get my novel published or strike a deal with Amazon and e-publish. I have been reading up on this lots, and have much more to discover.  What I have decided is that this is something I have always wanted to do, and that I have a story to tell. I actually have many ideas of stories to tell, some fiction, some based on real life. 

I am beginning with a story/motivational self-help book about going through divorce. I have a lot to say on this subject, and the writing itself is therapeutic in many ways. BUT I didn't just want my advice out there, because who am I to offer the "right" way to do things? Instead, I wanted a story of love and loss, bitterness and hope, brokenness and healing. I wanted my story with some advice thrown in. I mostly want to be a companion to women that are going through or have been through separation and divorce, though I think that the story is interesting enough to read for anyone that wants to read it of course! I hope! I also am including an entire chapter on how to help a friend or family member going through divorce, as I encountered many people trying to help, and can honestly say what was helpful and what was anything but! I talk about the feelings that are normal that so many people keep hidden inside, how to discover who you are without your spouse, how to deal with navigating the aspects of children and co-parenting, dating and remarriage. 

Like I said, I am not hoping to get rich. BUT I am hoping to have readers. I am just beginning, only a few chapters in so far, but am hoping to be done with the first draft by Fall. Please comment, private message me or even comment on here (I know the dumb Captcha code thing is annoying on here), with any questions, ideas or support.  When I am finished, I will be hitting up some readers to read it, give suggestions and review it. Though it is a bit away, I would love to begin compiling a list of people to be on my team so to speak. It is many of you that have been so encouraging to me, and I am grateful for your readership. And not to worry, for those of you not at all interested in this project, I am sure I will still be blogging about anything and everything else too. :)

For the curious, here is are a few excerpts. They are of course, not in context, but I am open to your thoughts on the voice and style of the writing. 

 I am not sure even how to categorize what a bad or a good person looks like, because by our very nature, all people are some parts dark and some light, some good, some bad, and some parts products of our own creation and environment. 

Tears were streaming down both of our faces, his bags at his feet.  Even then I was bitter already (or was it still), I felt as though I was an actress watching myself from afar. What was I supposed to say, do, how was I supposed to act? You find me the manual for that, and I tell you what, that person will be rich! 

That night, alone in our bedroom, my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. At 2 AM I awoke, after finally crying myself to sleep, and went into the bathroom, and gently took off my beautiful wedding ring (it had been a gift for our five year Christmas together), tucking it into my jewelry box. It was over, and I somehow just knew this. Ironically we would speak a few days later, on somewhat good terms at that time, and my soon-to be ex-husband would go on to tell me that he awoke in the middle of the night as well, and slipped his wedding band off and into his pocket…right around 2 AM. It’s funny how the world works sometimes, the duality of it all. I have always thought that if this were a movie, that would play out awesomely on the big screen. The torn apart marriage, the spouses alone, each surrendering their rings, and with them, their vows to one another.  All that would at least be Kleenex worthy.

And the Curtain Closes.

At the end of a play there is this wonderful moment when the curtain closes after the performance. As exhilarating as being on stage in character can be, there is such release when it is complete. This is the time to break character, smile, laugh, hug your fellow actor/actress next to you, and rejoice in a job well done. This is the time to let go of any slip-ups you may have made during the evening, knowing that in the end, they don't really matter. I acted in high school. Oh, just in the school plays, but I loved every second of it. I loved the memorization, the long rehearsals, the "getting into character", the being up on stage, but one of the things I remember most is the experience shared with others when the curtain falls at the end. It is bittersweet, a time when people move on and will never be in the exact same grouping again, like the last ever play I acted in, The Crucible.  Many of my greatest high school memories were spent on the stage, on the set, and in the dressing room...but as usual, I digress. Sometimes life in its bigger moments reflects the smaller ones we have had, and we are left making a connection of sorts. 

Everyone is familiar with the saying "When one door closes, another opens." What some people are not aware of is the rest of the saying, "but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us," (Alexander Graham Bell). It would be a lie to say that I have not been in a complete funk lately. I have applied to teaching jobs all over the place in what is an incredibly flooded market (Can we say over 1,000 applicants in some districts for 1 job!). I have hoped for jobs that if I am honest with myself I don't even really want-like the job at the "place where unicorns go to frolic" which is in many ways too good to be true, in the fact that I myself do not feel like I am a good fit (and will be surprised if it is offered to me....and then I have to decide what to say). The program I thought was wonderful WAS too good to be true, and was misrepresented in what to make a long story short basically means that I was not even in the program I wanted to be in, and was lead to believe I was in. Looking at schools all over the place, at college programs anywhere within an hour, can be a frustrating endeavor-Especially when every door seems to slam shut. There have been SO many doors shut that I was at a complete loss yesterday, crying in Barrett's arms. 

And then I talked to my hairdresser today. It was so nice to be 100% honest with someone that my decisions have no impact on. I mean, she doesn't care which route I do or don't pursue as long as I am happy and my family is well. I was telling her my story, and she laughed, and said, "You know Sarah, I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe you are needed at home next year, and God is shutting every door that would pull you away." I laughed to myself as I recalled the prayer that I have prayed daily the past few months, "God, I just want to do what is best, not what is best financially or best for me, but what it is YOU think I would be best at. Please show me a sign, and slam shut any doors that I shouldn't go down right now and open those that are where you want me." I kid you not. Why does it take talking to someone else who is not in my daily loop to see the situation for what it is? God is probably really annoyed with me, for all the doors I have tried to open, and He keeps having to close them. Do you think He thinks of us as naughty toddlers ever? I said, don't touch. Leave things alone. Talking to Kellie gave me peace today. Perhaps the reason I cannot get into any graduate programs now until Fall 2014, and have not been offered a teaching position, is because I am needed here. Barrett's grandparents move up in August. Isaiah begins kindergarten in September. While I can indeed suck it up and sub when we need extra money, maybe I am not meant to be committed to a full-time course of anything next year. Maybe this is when this particular curtain closes. Maybe it is time to be relieved, to laugh, to sigh, and to hug those around me. Perhaps this is when I forge relationships with others, and discover who and what I am meant to be. I know that I have been all over the place emotionally, and it helped to read my own thoughts on this from a few months ago Why I Choose to Stay Home.

I know I will enter the full-time workforce again someday soon, perhaps in 2014! It is in my nature. But at this point I am not sure if I will be teaching or returning to school. I have lots of research to do, and the time to do it in. A new option has presented itself, though not this year, and that is me adding a special education license to my teaching repertoire, and perhaps pursuing a career in that niche. Something that I never felt interested to do in the past keeps niggling in the back of my mind. Perhaps I will indeed pursue counseling, but likely not for schools, but for couples and families. Again, I am not sure yet. I whined to Barrett yesterday that I needed to know RIGHT NOW, as I am not getting any younger! I even whined that I have crinkles around my eyes when I smile, and am too old to not have a plan. Today I was reminded that while I may not have a plan, God does. And truly, truly, what does it matter if I pursue a goal at 32 instead of 31, or even at 40, 50, or 80? We are here to live and to love, and often, that does not happen right on schedule. 

My Forehead Has Wrinkles...and other ponderances about life

"The next time I get my hair done, I think I should get bangs." Barrett is driving us to stalk the school I secretly want to work at (and no I won't tell yet, but it is one I just applied to-though I will gladly take a job at Matt's school if they ever decide to get back to all the candidates...the interviewing has been extended even longer I heard from a little birdie, so I am not out of the running yet!). Barrett turns to look at me, "You mean cut the bangs that you just finished growing out?"  I smile at him, expecting him to know how women think-after all, any woman would understand this conversation fully. "My forehead wrinkles are causing too much self-loathing," I state, pointing at my forehead. "What?? I don't even notice your forehead unless you point at it like that."  A few minutes go on in silence as we drive. "I hate my voice, especially when I hear it on the phone. When I'm talking about computers, I sound like one of those nerdy guys, I mean really nerdy guys that I can't stand," Barrett muses. "I love your voice," I say. And then I burst out laughing. My mom, who looks GREAT to even be old enough to be my mom, has always had a thing with arms, never wanting to wear sleeveless shirts or dresses because of her "fat arms" (love you, Mom!). Not once, ever, have I thought that her arms didn't look good enough to be out and about, and the last time she mentioned arms, I told her (exasperated, mind you), that she looked WAY better than most the women out there who had no qualms about baring their arms. We really are the hardest on ourselves, aren't we? As I was taking off my make-up tonight I called upstairs to Barrett, "Honey, I am getting some wrinkles!" And he called down, "yeah? So am I." 

Wrinkles never looked so good!

It isn't just women, though we may have the market on this, but people in general have these hang-ups that other people don't even see when they look at them. We try so hard to be perfect, don't we? I know I do. I know that we all have our things, so I will tell on myself. I never leave without make-up on, though I will go make-up free completely in front of Barrett and my boys (I guess that right there tells you it is a vulnerability thing). I never lack fingernail or toenail polish (though sometimes I do clear on my fingernails). I lotion up my skin everyday, but I don't always brush my teeth or remove my eye-makeup before bed (though I am trying to do better, and even to floss more!). I hate exercise, but I need to do it, because apparently my body insists on betraying me and aging, and my metabolism slowing.  Oh, and I love food, especially the bad stuff like cinnamon rolls, Chinese food, and bacon, and cheese. But I digress. 

Last week I was so down. I was expecting to hear about the job, and heard nothing. Other than running the boys around, I hardly moved off the couch. I finished two books and watched five movies, oh, and made cookies. Yeah. There was a whole lot of negative self talk going on there. I didn't do a single thing to clean my house until the 4th day of this. You want to lower your self-esteem? Go through the self-selling involved with job hunting, knowing that you brought it on yourself. Try to accurately convey just enough confidence mixed with humility to be likable, yet hire-able in an interview. Fun stuff. Then, Friday came, and I just kind of snapped out of it. No, there is no job, but I have the semblance of a plan. I started out saying this was in God's hands, and it is. No lack of patience on my part makes that any less true. I know that I can be a great teacher, and no-one can take that away, even if they don't hire me. I know there are plans for me, and they are great plans dang it. Whether I am a teacher, a counselor, or a Licensed Kitten Masseuse (I made that one up), God has plans for me. The negative self talk gets me nowhere, and I am meant to go somewhere.

Tonight was one of those enlightening moments when things seem crystal clear. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Isn't it the nature of humanity to covet what we don't have, and to condemn what we do? I don't think it should be. My forehead has wrinkles. You know why? Because I express myself with a lot of fervor and passion, which means my eyebrows are rarely anchored in one spot! I used to think I wanted a perfect, manicured lawn and flower garden.
But you know what? Those take a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of worry. One weed can ruin the entire facade of perfection. Tonight as I watered a tree B and I planted, I noticed the grasses and daisies growing up around it, swaying in the cool twilight air. They looked wild and free, beautiful, and exactly as they should be. As we grow, we change. I know I have. Tonight I discovered that I would rather be a patch of wildflowers than a manicured garden, I don't know about you.  Tonight I decided that I like me, a lot actually, and wherever I end up, bangs or no bangs, I will be just fine.

This Is It!

Twelve days ago I interviewed for the chance to become a teacher at the local school. There are 4 spots open, and I am qualified for each, but 110 people applied and only 20 interviews were even granted. It will be announced at some point this week (as early as yesterday) if I am still in the running. I figure I will hear today  if it is good news and not until Friday if it is not (as the pool will be narrowed down again for a quick meeting with the superintendent before Friday, and then the final selection made). I tell myself that I have already made it further than 90 applicants that didn't even get interviews, and that I only have to be better than 17 other interviewees for a position. My heart has been ALL over the place about whether or not I even want to teach, and my prayers have been frequent and fervent, tirelessly asking God that I just get the opportunity to do what it is I should do, promising I will no longer doubt or argue.

I am on edge today again, my stomach tied in knots, hoping for a call, or not...hoping for a path to follow. Plan A has me teaching again, and plan B has me entering counseling school to become a school counselor (a great program I have already been accepted to), but also (and as a back-up) a licensed professional counselor.  If you had asked me a week ago which one I wanted, I would have said B, hands down. That I was a good teacher, but I felt compelled to do something else and to further help people. The last few days though I have been hoping to have the opportunity to teach again. I know that I can apply elsewhere, but this is the place I'd want to work if I did teach again because of how close it is to home (15 minutes if that). 

OR

By Friday for sure I will know which path I am on, or maybe God will present a path C (that'd be just like Him, right?) that I am unaware of even now as I write. I know that I can do either, accept either at this point, but a month ago when I first heard about this job, Barrett and I (and TONS of prayer) decided that THIS would be it, the deciding factor. Sometimes a person needs that desperately, that cut-off point to stop doubting everything and just start living. I am so thankful to my sweet husband that has believed in and supported any future that just involves me, no matter what I do. I know at times our desires for stuff have gotten in the way as we planned for the future things we want (RV, boat, international travel..., lol). 

Friday is only two days yet a lifetime away from now. Please keep us in your prayers as we wait for the call (or lack of one) that will determine things for our family. 

Why Divorce Made Me a Better Person

I do not advocate for divorce, I truly don't...but in my case I think that my divorce made me a better person. I am a better mother and a better wife these days than ever before. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I see my ex with his wife and family and me with mine, and we both seem to be doing great...and I wonder why it is that life works that way. But I don't miss my old life at all. I am blessed now with a larger family that includes his wife, her daughter, their daughter, my husband, and our boys. Strange at times? Yes, but it gets less and less so and more what is normal for us. I am glad that we can attend sport's games, BBQ's and school events as an entire unit, and I hope that it teaches Matthew and Isaiah that we all love them very much. I actually asked Matt the other night very gently, if he was ever angry that his dad and I split up. His answer, "No...not really. I wouldn't have had Barrett, Heidi, and my sisters if you hadn't."  He also acknowledged that both his dad and I seemed happy and that he rarely hears Barrett and I argue about anything (a huge change from my first marriage!). Wow. Maybe we are doing something right? 

In my first marriage I was very lonely, and I knew that (for me) being with my spouse daily for quality time was very important. I used to fill the void with school, work, and shopping (yeah...). Barrett and I have been accused of being "attached at the hip" a few times, and though we indeed can separate when necessary and for events where the other isn't quite welcome (like a baby shower for example, lol)-we choose to be together almost every time we can. We choose to attend the boys' games and practices together when we can, to run errands together, relax together and even to do one another's hobbies together (even if they aren't our favorite!) because we love being in one another's company. Though I would love to say that every problem imaginable in my first marriage was not my fault, some definitely were. I had a very hard time apologizing when I did things wrong (which does happen occasionally!). I can now apologize to Barrett and even (gasp!) drop an argument when I realize it just isn't that important. I also have learned that me having a strong opinion on every little thing does not matter, nor is it helpful. There are things we are each experts in, and while an opinion is good, it is important to submit to the other when they simply know more about it.   This goes for little things and big ones. Barrett is a man of logic, and he will research something for days on end. When it comes to purchasing a vehicle, a computer, or lawnmower, or even a saw...this is his department.  Barrett takes better care than I at managing the household finances (though we recently decided to both be involved). I, on the other hand, am the one that has an eye for decorating. I decide paint colors, furniture and the like. I also can research the heck out of vacations, so I plan out trips and run them by B for approval. Perhaps there was a lot of mismatched personality going on my first time around! 

My children are adored by me, and they enjoy a close relationship with many adults. Before I got divorced, I relied heavily on my parents to let me escape. I still rely on them when I need to get something done, but not like before. Because of the constant time together, I am closer to both boys, and we do many things as a family. Barrett and I take them camping, riding, on small trips like to the aquarium or out  to eat often, and I do projects with them at home, and they help Barrett outside. The boys are with us (with the exception of any overnighting with my parents) 12 days in a row before going back to their dad each cycle. This is a lot of getting ready for school, meals, and time. I will freely admit (and I know many parents don't have this "luxury") that by the end of those 12 days I am ready for a break! I know that many parents go through this too, where a day seems incessantly LONG, full of hours to fill, and the small voice saying "Hey Mama-" is like long fingernails screeching down a chalkboard.

The good thing is that at the end of 12 days I get to refresh for two, and then start all over again. It's like a mini-vacation. Barrett and I date, and enjoy being a couple without children. This weekend it is Iron Man 3 and dinner tonight, and then breakfast at a cafe, soccer games, bike window shopping for me, Matt's school BBQ with our other parenting half and boys, then wine and stargazing. Sunday is church, luncheon after service, and roofing chicken coop. At least that's the plan. 

So, while divorce is not the answer, maybe you can learn a few important lessons from my mistakes and successes. Spend lots of time with your spouse. Quality matters...but so does QUANTITY. Same goes with your children. Sometimes the best conversations occur while trapped in the car on the way to the grocery store. Get breaks when you need them. Take time to refresh, whether it is a whole weekend, a few hours, or a long bubble bath. You will be a better parent because of it. Know your strengths and your weaknesses. Also know your partner's. In a great relationship, you will fill in one another's gaps. Finally, learn to be humble and apologize when you know you're wrong, but also learn to drop it even when you are right...because tomorrow is based on the decisions we make today.

Get Back Up Again

Monday afternoon, while I was talking on the phone to Barrett, I headed downstairs to go outside and see the sunshine. While on the second stair down, Max (our wonder dog) brushed past me. The next thing I know I was in the air, landed on the next stair down right on my tailbone, then somehow sprung forward and landed flat on my belly and face in the entryway by the front door. The phone had gone flying out of my hand and hit the wall, and poor, worried Barrett could hear me sobbing loudly. Boy that hurt!!! One second I was chatting happily, and the next I was on the ground.  I insisted I was okay, though in pain, and less than an hour later was headed to baseball practice with Matthew. I still hurt. Today is Wednesday, and I am eating Ibuprofen every four hours, which makes me feel slightly better. It hurts to bend, to stand-up, to sit-down, to get in and out of cars...you know, all the normal daily things we do and never think about. Once I am standing or sitting or even driving I feel okay, but all the transitional movements hurt. I had signed up to volunteer both Monday and Tuesday at the Pregnancy Center, and I was not about to miss that. Though it was slow, I am glad I was there yesterday to take a few calls, and to be one of a handful of staff to speak to a very nervous, very scared, pregnant girl. I am thinking of her today, and the way that her life will change, and hoping that she felt support yesterday no matter what she decides to do.

Last night I was so antsy. Why is it that when we feel fine, we want to sit on the couch and when we hurt we are antsy to move? I wanted to go for a bike ride (more about that in a minute) or go rollerblading-both terrible ideas with the fact that my movement is painful and somewhat limited! I convinced Barrett to go with me and the kids to the park after dinner where we could walk and they could ride bikes. It was very nice, though it may have contributed to even more soreness today. Tonight there is baseball practice, tomorrow a field-trip with Matt's class, and tomorrow night soccer practice. Thank God Isaiah's swimming lessons begin next week! I am so thankful I only got hurt in the way I did, with falling down basically the entire flight of stairs, it could be so much worse. I am reminded not to take little activities I can normally do for granted, and I am also a tad bit annoyed as I think I don't have time for this! :)

I promised I'd come back to the bike thing. I am going to sound like a complete weirdo, but I have HATED bicycles since I was about 12. I learned to ride late as it was. I think I was 9 when I was finally riding with no training wheels. I am a control freak, with perhaps too much self-preservation instincts. When I was about 12 I was visiting family in Oregon and borrowed my cousin's bike, which was not only too short for me at the time, but also had no handle brakes, and I went riding down this big hill. I accumulated a ton of speed, panicked and could not stop...so I stuck my toes (wearing flip-flops) out to break the impending fall. I scraped a chunk of my big toe off, both palms of my hands, my chin, my knee and my elbow. I didn't break anything (never have), but I still have scars in two places from the accident. I think it was about 14 years until I got back on a bike. They terrified me. My ex-husband bought me a brand-new bike when I was about 26, and coaxed me to ride up and down our street. I did, but I shook with fear the whole time, wobbling around, and gripping the handles so tight I thought I would have permanent imprints on my palms. Barrett is a kind, gentle and patient teacher, and he was able to persuade me to ride down to the stop sign and back once from our house last year. We took my bike camping, and were surprised when we got there that it had two flat tires and the brakes were detaching. It looked like it had been sabotaged! And I promise I didn't do it. Somewhat relieved and somewhat annoyed, I got on Matthew's bike. And I was able to ride it around camp again and again, though obviously too small for me. I was no longer nervous!! The boys cheered me on, and I felt silly but glad to act out what I tell them-Get back up and try again. Then it dawned on Barrett and I one of the problems I felt with my bike-it was too tall for me. I am only 5'2 1/2 tall, and the bike is 26 inches, and I can only touch the ground, barely, on tiptoe. I know some people like that, but for me, it is scary that I am too far up. I thought I was the only freak that felt this way until I started reading posts online from short girls like me, saying that they are most comfortable on 24 inch wheel bikes, and many have even gone to bike shops (instead of just Target) and gotten fitted for a bike they are comfortable on. I am so relieved! Perhaps when I am healed up, I can actually begin (at the age of 31!!) to enjoy riding a bike and can do it with my family. :) Feel free to laugh at my fear..it's ok, but let me remind you that we all have fears that may seem silly to others, but are often grounded in something that matters to us. 

Was so afraid this would be the only type of bicycle I'd ever like!

Anyhow, I better get my day on a roll. Keep me in your prayers that I recover soon and can enjoy many active things with the boys and Barrett.

Do You Believe in What is Supposed to Be?

The other night a friend reminded me to take a look at the lyrics to the "sunscreen song"  video. The song, I will freely admit is annoying...at least to me. I am one of those people that hates when people talk during a song. The lyrics though, are succinct and though cutesy at times are actually pretty moving. Full lyrics here: Suncreen song lyrics. Anyhow, I really like the verse:

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your 

life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they 

wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year 

olds I know still don’t.

This is the one that spoke volumes to me. Sometimes I think I must make God really irritated. He really is like a father, isn't He? We ask for one thing with all our hearts, then decide we want something else...at least I know I do. I just want to do what is best. Not even best for me, but what I am best at, because I get that these can be two different things. I pray for a sign, any sort of a sign to know what path to take.

I am accepted into counseling school. I am (mostly) enjoying my time with Isaiah, and being at home. I love volunteering at the Pregnancy Center, and I know that life will bring much more busyness as our home is eventually remodeled/added on to, grandparents are here with us, and decisions about floors, paint and counter-tops will need to be made. I am already taxi for baseball and soccer practices and games, and swimming lessons, and craft and gardening classes. BUT, and this is a huge but (not to be confused with huge butt:)), I miss the classroom. I miss teaching. I miss the interaction. I long to do art projects and science experiments, to assign creative writing, to laugh, play and love with my students. I worry about counseling. I worry that there are not enough jobs, that I will have to take out (EVEN MORE) student loans, and that though the ideas of the classes and the thought of counseling interests me, what if the reality does not?What if I go into debt more and am bored?

Do you watch Once Upon a Time? I have a point here, I really do. It's a good show about fairy-tale characters living in modern-day, and there is one message that has rang loud and clear to me the last month or so we have been watching. Some outcomes don't change. You can change details...the how, the when, even the why but you can't change what is, what is supposed to be. I have been wondering this about teaching. I never wanted to teach, but everyone said I'd be good at it. I viewed it as a stepping stone to maybe being a principal someday. When I taught younger kids I wanted older, and when I taught older and narrowed it down to just science, I got bored. Oh, not with the kids, but with the material, with the fact that I couldn't just add in things like in elementary school or decide when I wanted to teach things. Math in the afternoon today? No biggie. Reading outside? Sure. Art instead of writing today? You bet-maybe do both and tie them together! Change the bulletin board displays, the feel of the classroom, play music? Absolutely. So, even though I changed to older kids for two years and then took this past year off, what if all this heartache and all this stress and mind-changing really leads to the same conclusion? What if I am meant to be a teacher?

Do you know that in my head I say "What if I am meant to just be a teacher?" As if it isn't enough. I would fight tooth and nail if I heard someone else use that phrase. Teachers give so much on so little. They give time and money beyond what is required. And they do that because that's what it takes. Teachers never stop thinking of their "kids", their lessons and the things they can improve on. Teachers love learning. So why in my head do I use the qualifier "just"? Why do I keep pushing instead of enjoying what I have already earned or accomplished? Why in my head is a teaching license and Master's degree not enough?  Maybe it is time to stop pushing and to embrace what I already know. Those who have been in or near my classrooms have told me that I am a natural. I am not sure. I hope I figure it out soon. I have applied for some teaching positions for next year, but I am praying and waiting and leaving it up to God's plans for me. And I guess you can watch as the story unfolds and we find out if the moral is true, if some outcomes are just meant to be.

It's Not You...It's Me.

It's not you, it's me. Perhaps the worst/overused break-up line around. I bet at some point you have either said some version of this, or heard it! Sometimes though, this is the only line that sums up our feelings when we relate to the world. This is how I have been feeling a lot of the time, and in the manner of almost scary self-disclosure, I write this post to express myself...and perhaps to connect with some of you.

I know that I have blogged before about personality types, and yes, I personally put a lot of stock into them as being a basis for who we are (not all of who a person is, but a good foundation for knowing someone or yourself). I mis-tested for years, because I have a personality that can swing from extrovert to introvert...a very borderline personality so to speak, but once I discovered that I am slightly (and sometimes LOTS) more introverted, I discovered some things about myself that I have been trying to reconcile with over the past year or so. For more about personality, see 52% Introvert, How About You?. (You can also see my struggle with nursing even very early on...).

Are you perfectly content to live inside your own head for most of a day? I am. My mind is a raging whirlpool of endless possibilities, visions of what could be, and a myriad of ways to improve myself. I often feel like I have adult ADD, not the hyper part, but the inability to focus part. If you want to see that in action, come watch me clean house! I am spiritual, though not religious. I despise rules that are restrictive or that set to discount others or their ways of life. I am passionately creative, though not good at the product of art itself...but I rock at the process of art, and love teaching it to young ones. The ideas are there, and I can somehow get others to create the masterpieces I dream up. The same is true about science. The process is amazing. The mechanical workings of things bore me almost to tears, and in that aspect I am very much a big picture kind of gal. I am not always interested in the why or even the how, but often in the what is or what could be.  My soul is something of a wanderer, or as my mom used to say, a "bye-bye girl." I am discontent to be in the same setting for too long, and the gypsy heart in me longs for faraway places, new lands, and new experiences. Since this is not compatible with many "normal" things like holding down a job and raising a family, I think the way to meet this urge is through discovering new activities in my own area and traveling when I can.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments.

The above made me laugh, then pause for reflection. It is so true! Anyone that has ever listened to me and offered advice and then found out that I did the very opposite, it is because of this! I get feelings (which probably sounds weird), and then sometimes I just know the path to take. Other times I know the path and I fight it with all I am, because I am still not sure it is the right one. Sound familiar? It's not you, it's me.

I suck at making and keeping friends. Truly. Though I can be a fun and very loyal friend to those I hang on to. I do enjoy friendships, and I do miss currently some that I had (pretty past tense I think), but I have never been the girl with a ton of friends. I have been the one with a ton of acquaintances that I can hang out with or talk with, but only a few actual friends. I have thought a lot about this lately, because I miss some of the girls I used to spend time with...but again, I suck at reaching out. I am so painfully shy when it comes to that. And...a handful of friends I had years ago, I never felt like I could be 100% me with. That was a pride thing. We all worked together, were all married and starting families, and I just wanted to feel like I was one of them and normal...while truthfully I was very unhappy in my marriage.  I was so unhappy in my relationship, that it was literally sucking the life out of me (it is no wonder that I gained weight for the first time since high school-except for pregnancies when I settled down with Barrett!). I was so unhappy, stressed all the time, but who wants to hear that? Instead I would say I was fine, things were good, and I was happy. I think I even kept searching for other things (like changing jobs, leaving Sand Ridge),  when apart from my home life, I actually enjoyed the job. Though friendships are tough for me, relationships are everything. It is said that my personality seeks a loving, life-long relationship, and that the relationship is almost a spiritual experience due to the deep need to bond with another. Though happiness should not 100% depend on this, I definitely know what I was missing. When people would get too close, I would back away, say I was busy, and break plans. I still have trouble with this even though life is great now. It is a habit I fell into. I became the friend that people dislike, the flaky one...the one that is always busy, when often in reality, I wanted to go and to be invited, I was just shy. So if you are reading and I have ever done this to you, it truly is not you, it's me.

Cozumel Coming to a Close

This was supposed to post on Friday night, but the internet connection in Cozumel was finicky at best and we had none the last two days. We arrived safely in the US last night through Denver, and then finally through Portland. We got home at 1 AM. It was really nice to come home to a clean house, and there has even been this foreign, wet, cold stuff coming from the gray clouds above!

Here is my last Cozumel post, and for those of you that like tons of pictures, I am going to post way more on Shutterfly in the next few days, so I will put the link in one of my next blogs. And yes...we are both well aware we could look much trimmer in our suits, lol, but it is difficult to share awesome Mexico pictures without showing some swimwear(!)...so here's to our 2014 tropical trip and us being a bit more shapely! :)

At Stingray Beach...it was a cloudy, windy day.

Today is our last day in Cozumel. Vacations seem to fly by so fast. On the one hand, we have done pretty much everything we came to do (not that it is getting old by any means, but in the fact that we are satisfied), and it just kills me to miss not one, but two of the boys’ soccer games…but we had to plan around when Barrett could get off of work. On the other hand, I think it is hard for anyone to give up the balmy breezes, warm ocean water and tropical paradise that is Cozumel to return to Oregon weather, and no hope of another tropical vacation until next year (if we play our cards right!). What a beautiful place to come visit! 

Trying escargot

The last few days have been a blur of relaxing by the beach with a good book (I am currently reading the Trylle Trilogy by Amanda Hocking…if you have similar book taste to me, look it up-I recommend), swimming in the pools at the resort, enjoying the hot tubs, and meeting a few couples. We have met couples from Wisconsin, Illinois, Texas, Ohio, Canada, Brazil, England, and North Carolina. We have not met anyone from the West coast such as ourselves! Every time the natives ask where we are from and we say Oregon, they correct with, “Oh…Ory-gon!” On one day we took a taxi to the market square, by where all the huge cruise ships dock, and we prowled around for some souvenirs. Yesterday afternoon we met two younger (unmarried) couples in the hot tub, and they proceeded to invite us hot tub hopping to the ones on the rooftop at the bar. There were some drinks and laughs to be had, and it was fun for the most part…though I am reminded that I am an “old” 31 year-old, in the fact that a quiet evening with my love trumps wild bar fun ANY night! We dined last night at the French restaurant, and I got really brave, and B and I both tried escargot. Yep…snails. The sauce they were in was good, and I managed to get two down, but call me a baby-I could not get over the idea of what I was eating! 

Holding a stingray

Lounging in a hammock in the water.

Today we went to a tourist place called Stingray Beach. You pay to go in the water with stingrays that have had their barbs trimmed…not removed mind you, as I think that would be inhumane…or whatever phrase you would use for animals, but trimmed. The rays there ranged from 1 foot-4 feet across, and we got to do two different sessions. In the first we learned about the place and rays in general, and we all got a handful of frozen fish to feed the rays. This was AMAZING! Call it touristy…but the rays (like 5-6 BIG ones) come up and bump your legs when they want food, and then take it from your hand. We also got to pet them and hold them! In the second half of the excursion, we snorkeled in the huge enclosed area that had more rays (including a baby one!), and many fish, zebra fish, angel fish, etc. This was well worth the cost, and I can imagine would be awesome with children too! We returned to swim in the ocean at the resort and lounge in the chairs on the beach. The water was unfortunately too murky here the last few days to do any good snorkeling, as they are having some mild stormy weather, AKA it is windy and cloudy, but not cold at all.
Tonight, on our last night here, we are meeting up with a couple from North Carolina at the international restaurant. They are travelling yoga instructors that we keep running into and chatting with, so we thought it was fitting to end the trip with a shared meal. Tomorrow we will fly from Cozumel to Denver, and then back to Portland. It has been a great trip. There are definitely some things that make Mexico less convenient than going to Hawaii (like the overall travel time we spent!), but overall we have had a blast.

Getting ready to jump in-on our snorkeling tour

Before dinner

Loved the geckos! We had one on our ceiling one night, and this one was on a wall of resort.

5 Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I was not in Mexico (as I am while I write), but was in an operating room, having my little Isaiah. Happy birthday to my sweet little boy, my baby, who is now a big five year-old!  Isaiah was an "easy" baby, content to play happily on a blanket, sleeping through the night after about 4 1/2 months, and he was a chubby little critter. Though an easy infant, Isaiah has been the tougher of my two boys on just about everything else. Things that worked like clockwork with Matthew (potty-training, sleeping in a big kid bed) were a bit more challenging with Isaiah. He has been petulant, adventurous, and definitely more thrill/pleasure seeking than his big brother. Five years ago I was in an unhappy marriage, and beginning a new career. I loved Isaiah and Matthew both, but was an overwhelmed, tired shadow of a mom. Today, I can give my sons a stable home, a (currently anyway) stay-at-home mommy that dotes on them, energy, time and a gift to my children as well-my happiness. The past four months that I have gotten to stay home with my little one have been an eye-opener. Staying home and being at the whim of a four-year old can be exhausting work! But we have explored our property, adventured down by the river, checked out dozens upon dozens of books at the local library, and built forts, Lincoln Log cabins, and block towers galore. I have flown remote-controlled helicopters, released live butterflies, and cut sandwiches into the shape of hearts. I have grown closer to my more "difficult" child. I always thought that in my head. You see, Matt is like me, and he aims to please, tries really hard, and rarely gets in trouble (ok...like me as a little kid, not as a teenage girl!!). Isaiah though, Zay as we call him, wants to know why for everything. He is not afraid to be himself at anytime, because he knows that he is fabulous. Today, as we called from Cozumel to wish him a happy birthday, he happily asked if he could talk to Max. Max is our dog...and is most definitely not with us here! It was a typical Isaiah moment, "Just smile and wave boys...smile and wave!" When asked why he has broken a rule, more often than not I will get the honest answer..."because it was fun, Mama." Oh, Isaiah James, we love you so!  I am sad and pleased at the same time to know you are growing, and there will be many more milestones to go. Happy birthday to my big five-year old. We can't wait to see you again for your party when we return. :)