This is me- Signing Off

I began this blog almost a year ago, last summer when I was up at Oregon State University taking the anatomy sequence. As of today, I have had 7, 584 reads, and for something that I began as really a journal for myself that others could follow, I am amazed by that number! It is time for Cadavers and Coffee to sign off though. I am honestly not sure if this will just be a few month hiatus until fall, or if I will no longer be blogging for quite some time. You can let me know if you would enjoy reading further, and I will keep that in mind. :)

This began sort of as a chronicle of my personal journey, and though the journey is indeed continuing, I am not sure it will be on this blog. I will let you know. :) One reason that the blog needs an absence is the fact that I will also be taking a few month (or more) period of no Facebook (as of the end of this week)-which is the main way I "advertise" my posts. The reason for my internet absence is that I really need to work on a few personal things, such as caring less about myself (and how many people read a post or "like" a picture-does anyone else get hung up in this at times??), and focus more on others. Sometimes the online world can become an obsession, and can hinder the time we have with the flesh and blood people right in front of us. I cringe to think of how many moments with my children I may have missed while I "just got online for a minute". While I know that I need my outlets too, it is perhaps time to explore others. 



I will still be working on my book-though it is proving to take longer than I thought it would (I do have 7 chapters down though!), but it may need a brief hiatus too. I need time with my family, and grandparents who will be here in August. I need time to exercise, to draw, to bake, to read, and to live.  There are some bigger things coming for me. Reading my first few blog posts, in some ways I have come full circle. You, my readers, have shared with me as I searched myself to know my calling.You have read my fears, my doubts, and my triumphs.  I have no doubt annoyed some of you with my indecisiveness. You will be happy to know that I am done with that.  

Have you ever felt really passionate about something? The only way I can hope to describe this feeling is by comparing it to that of patriotism. Bear with me. Do you ever sing the Star-Spangled Banner, see a story on the internet about a soldier and what he has waiting at home, or ever feel moved by something good that our country has done? If you have, you may identify with that choked up, verge of tears feeling you get as your heart swells with pride, compassion, and communion with others. For the longest time I have been in awe of medicine. The white coats, sterile hospitals, ironed scrubs, and the stories of doctors, nurses and EMTs move me in a way that is only comparable to my patriotic example. 

Sometimes the path is winding.

When I began my journey, I was goal-oriented. I knew all the details, and the steps of my proposed path. That's not in and of itself a bad thing, but I was losing sight of things. I was dismayed by how long it all could take, and the goal that seemed so far away. I was irritated and perhaps a bit egotistical that a girl with a Master's degree had to still start at step one! I was also terrified. While school has always come easy for me, Anatomy was difficult (though I did get 4 A's and 2 B's in the accelerated version!), and I felt because I had to work at it-maybe I was not cut out for it. (Yeah...I know). I also worried about my lack of gracefulness, my ability to do physical tasks without stumbling, fumbling, and tripping over myself. Nothing about the actual job scared me, grossed me out, or made me worry. It was my lack of confidence in me. My scrubs still hang front and center in my closet. I have not gotten rid of them. They taunt me with the thing that I want, but am afraid of. I am afraid of the things that I will have to work at, I am afraid of the future that may be full of back-breaking work, long hours, and undesirable shifts. But I simply cannot envision myself anywhere else. I was afraid shift work could ruin my family. BUT I have had a few realizations: My family (especially my Barrett) supports me 100%, and will be there no matter what. Sometimes we have to work really hard for what we want. Practice will allow my uncertainty to become assurance over time. Mainly though, the goal is to serve and help others. The goal is not the letters after my name, the CNA, LPN, or RN. The goal is not an end. The goal is simply being in that environment, with patients, learning, and living. It took me this long to realize that even if I am a CNA for years before getting into another program, that is okay.

They're just letters.

So...on the day that I was invited to interview for a program to become a counselor, I instead write to you. I could not shake it, no matter how hard I tried. I could not forget my desire, the knowledge I have already gained, and that I have which to acquire. It laid dormant for awhile, but was always there, sleeping...waiting for the right moment, waiting I guess on my own growth and maturity.  Instead today I begin again, gathering information, applying to a CNA program. This time I will finish. This time my fears will not get in the way, but my passion will lead me down my path. There may be many things that I could do, and perhaps even be happy with, but even without the letters by my name yet, I am a nurse. This is me, and I can do this. My heart is there for the right reasons as never before. In the last year I have gained a few invaluable things: time with my Isaiah at home, time to volunteer, time to realize that fear is not allowed to get in my way,  and time to get to know the woman I am, and can be. And you know what? I like her. 

This is me, signing off. 
-Sarah