Confessions of a Former School-Teacher Part 3

Rule #2: Spread Love, Not Hate
Another memory that I reflect on often is that of a conversation with an adolescent boy. This boy had many friends, but he chose to come talk to me about a very tough issue. "Sometimes I have feelings about other boys," he told me. I assured him that teenage years are confusing, full of hormones and emotions, and that what he was feeling was normal for his age-though he probably wouldn't find it talked about in the hallway.  So, if you're thinking, well, that was an easy fix-keep reading. It's never that simple. "Do you think Jesus cares who I like?" Standing there confounded by my lack of infinite wisdom, he went on, "I mean, I believe in Him, and I think the main point He was making was to love others, don't you? Am I a bad person if I wind up gay?" Well, hmmm...I guess I have to answer now, I thought. A million thoughts racing through my brain at that point, like how the school wouldn't like his views possibly, how maybe I should offer to pray with him, conversations with my best friend (a pastor's wife) on how the church often mistreats gays-it was all muddling around. Then I answered from my heart, instead of worrying about how I should field his question. "Yes, I agree. I think loving others and treating them well is the main point." I gave him a hug, told him I was there to talk, and reassured him that even though he may be having those feelings, it didn't necessarily mean he was gay, and that if it did, he was loved just the same.  Because, that is what it all boils down to, isn't it? Knowing that you are accepted and loved no matter what you do, because God loves us. Maybe I am oversimplifying the message, but then again, maybe it is just right.

Rule #3: Not Everybody is Created Equal
I know, I know, that is SO not politically correct of me to say, but let me explain. Some people we get along with like we have known them forever. They get us, we get them, and we enjoy talking to them. Other people we may feel neutral about. They're okay, I can get along with them. Then there's the other people. You may think that you are someone who gets along with everyone until you meet that one person who (for whatever reason) drives you temporarily insane. In fact, the two seem to coincide.  Insanity is only present when the person also is present. Now, you may be laughing (I am too, thinking of people who have caused this condition in me), but this is normal. I don't care who you are. Some people you like a lot better than others, whether you are a teacher, student, or fill-in blank here. You (certainly not me :)), may even be the cause of this phenomenon in others. So, how do we deal with this "liking problem" so to speak?

Well, I have a story (I always do!) about my first year teaching. I was going along just fine, faking it until I was making it, and them WHAM. Bus? You ask...nope. Student. I was told I was getting a new boy on Halloween, and that this child from quite possibly the opposite of Heaven, had been expelled from multiple schools and lo-and-behold he was going to be mine. I really can't make this stuff up. I joked about the fact that he was starting on Halloween. Really. It was a pretty good cosmic coincidence. On Halloween the new boy shows up and he hands me a paper. It is folded up pretty good and says "for my new teacher" on the outside. I think to myself, "Sarah, how sweet. What are you possibly worried about?" Then I open it.

..........................................................................................................................................................

Were you wondering if I'd go on? Well inside for his new teacher was a happy picture of a teddy bear. Being stabbed. With multiple swords. And blood. Again, I don't make this stuff up. There are more tales to be told at some point, but let's just say I had a definite liking problem in the weeks that followed, in the fact that I didn't like this child... at all. There is a lesson here. The only time I advise faking it is in situations like this. I smiled, I taught, I laughed, and I learned (albeit very slowly) to like this kid little by little. So, though not everyone is created to be liked specifically by you, it is never an excuse to treat them any differently. Fake it until it becomes real, or until you've moved to another chapter in your life. You never know if you might be helping them.

Confessions of a Former School-Teacher Part 2

When you are a teacher, the students make all the difference. I have funny stories, ones so bad you'd laugh until you cried, I have sad stories, and I have stories that might make you think-the way they did me. A note to any former students reading this blog, all names have been omitted to protect the not-so-innocent, and if you think you know who I'm talking about-you probably don't, enough has been changed to make the student anonymous while keeping the integrity of the story the same. I have compiled some of my favorite stories into a list of "Rules" that I think would be helpful to anyone who interacts with people (aka: everyone), not just teachers.

Rule #1: Make No Judgments...It's Not Your Job
This story is bittersweet to me. I wonder if I handled it right all the time. I'm not sure there was a right answer, but maybe it was the right answer to this student. It was the end of the school year when an upperclassman popped in to talk to me. I had a good relationship with this student, and was going to miss her, as she was moving on to bigger and better things the next year. "Mrs. West, I have to tell you something," she said, "but please hear me out." I sat down and told her to go on. "I had sex recently," she confessed. Now, let me remind you this is a Christian school I was working at, and this was a huge taboo. "Go on, " I said. "I know I shouldn't have, you know, that I'm not supposed to...but I don't feel guilty, and I plan on doing it again at some point." Wowzers, did I feel like I was in a tough situation for a moment suspended in time. What was I supposed to do with this information? What should I say to her? Then, it dawned on me. She was a very bright girl, she knew she shouldn't have done it, but that wasn't why she told me. I stayed quiet for a minute. Then, the reason she told me became crystal clear when she looked at me with doubt in her eyes and said, "Does that change how you think of me?" I could have broke down and cried right there. I pulled her in for a hug and told her the truth, "absolutely not. I adore you. Thank you for sharing with me. I am not going to lecture you...just please be safe." My student smiled, and replied, "I knew you wouldn't judge me." Every time I look back on that day, I hope that I did it right, that I wasn't giving her the green light. She already had her mind made up after-all-I hope I was giving her what she needed in that moment: a person to listen, a person who wouldn't judge, and reassurance that she was still very much cared about.

To be continued...

Reach Out and Touch Someone

We all know that touch is very important in our daily lives, but some of us probably underestimate just what it can do for a person. There are thousands of studies out there that explain the importance of touch on newborn babies, in relationships, and in our everyday lives. The touch of a loved one can provide a sense of calm and security and increases our positive moods. Instead of regurgitate studies that have already been done (I encourage you to go read them yourself if interested), I will go over some of the key points that I thought were interesting in some of the studies I've come across.

• Many public schools have tried to ban any physical contact between students and teachers. This is stupid. I get the laws and the fact that there are some sick perverts out there that make having these so-called rules necessary, but let's look at reality and what I learned in my education classes. Children need touch. If my child falls down and skins his knee, what is the first thing he seeks? PHYSICAL reassurance that he is okay. Asking a pre-school or kindergarten teacher not  to hug their students is ridiculous. I taught third grade, then junior high, then high school. Hugging may have decreased a bit with my older students, but it was still a valid form of communication. Luckily, I never worked anywhere that made a big deal of it, but I can't say I would have listened if I had. 
• There is new research that shows critically and/or terminally ill patients are depressed. You are already saying, "Duh-they're probably dying!" Yes, Smartie, I know that. Do you know the #1 reason for depression in these patients though? Lack of meaningful physical touch. Think about it-people in hospital beds are often treated as if they are fragile by their loved ones. While you may need to be careful with someone who is ill or injured, do not quit showing them that you love them. Hold their hand, kiss them, hug them...a lot!
• You may have wondered if I'd bring up romantic relationships. First, my disclaimer is that I try to stay very "appropriate" on this blog. I may no longer be a Christian school teacher, but many former students read me (and I value that!). So while sexual touch in a marriage is important (of course!), I am more talking about the other touching that should occur on a daily basis. Spouses should be affectionate as often as possible! This means holding hands, kissing, rubbing one another's shoulders, tickling, and putting your arms around your partner are very important! In fact, one therapist says that she sees too many marital couples that are starved for physical (non-sexual) affection. One interesting study I read said that French couples are happier overall than American couples. Their recipe for happiness? More physical affection. Another study says that it is healthy for children to see their parents hug and kiss (and it helps formulate what matters in a marriage to them). Finally, my favorite study I read said that for every negative thing said in a day, it takes 8 positive interactions to make up for it...and that the physical forms of affection may actually add up faster. 

So, go hug someone today. They might be starving for it!

The Other Side of Forever

I knew it was over, long before it actually was official. If my life was a novel, there had been plenty of foreshadowing. The weekend before we separated, my then-husband asked me if I thought it was possible that there was more than one "right" person in the world for him or me. I told him I thought there was. Then there was the Christmas party where we couldn't even fake it anymore. It used to be that we could scream at one another in the car, then get out and put on a pretty good show. Picture perfect-on the outside anyway. There were other signs-some that don't bear mentioning because in the sanctity of a marriage-even a failed one-you learn that some things are better left unsaid. There was the ten year anniversary. We were in an idyllic setting and I found myself thinking it would be so perfect-alone.
Divorce sucks. It hurts. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and there's a reason for that. The intimacy in a marriage, once gone, cuts like the deepest knife. It doesn't matter how long you've known it was over, it feels like someone you loved has died. In essence, someone has-the couple you once were or had hoped to be.

Let's be real (there really is no better way to be). My ex was the one to pull the plug. I didn't put up any fight though, because part of me agreed. He said, and I will never forget, "Give me a reason to stay." My response? "I can't." Those two words held so many emotions. Bitterness, anger, resentment, despair, resignation, fear and a last feeling I hardly recognized-hope. It was time.

The day he moved out, I took every happy family picture down. They were mostly lies- and I was ready for truth. I ripped the covers off our bed. I wanted to burn them, but my mom wouldn't let me-so I settled on donating them. It's harder to be the one that stays behind and cleans up the mess of a family that once was, than the one who gets to start fresh.

So what, I'm sure you're wondering, is on the other side of forever? I love my ex husband's new wife ( yeah, say that five times fast!). She's good for him, which makes them good for our boys, and I am grateful. There is very little bitterness left in me. Both of us have remarried wonderful people who encourage our dreams. I am happier now than ever before. I feel like my husband was custom made just for me. Our kids have two sets of parents that love them very much. I am finally pursuing my dream. So, while divorce is awful, sometimes what's waiting on the other side of forever-is another chance.

Restless Part 2-Discussion (please join)

I know that it can be kind of a pain to comment on blogs. But I was thinking of my post yesterday about my secret twin, Restless. There are certain things that calm my restlessness, and I thought I'd compile a list and hopefully have YOU comment on what relaxes you when you get that feeling. I'd love your responses. 

For me, these things tend to help, though some are easier than others :)

• Have a cup of tea or a small glass of wine
• take a bubble bath with candles
• go on a walk outside to quiet my thoughts
• Zone out and watch a favorite TV show (House, MD anyone?)
• Go to the ocean. Works every time though I only get there a few times a year. The constant motion of the waves is SO relaxing to me!
• Get it out of my system. Do something kind of fun and crazy. That reminds me of the most perfect date I've ever been on (! and it's probably not what you'd think!)and some of my other top favorites. 

How about you?

Hello, my name is Restless...

There is this person inside me that comes  out every so often (maybe you have one too?). I call her Restless. Restless got me in trouble as a kid sometimes...heck she does as an adult too. I can only assume that she rears her head when somewhere deep in the tangles of my subconscious I must feel bored. This is not usually an outside feeling that I am aware of. The day is going as planned, as it should, and everything is normal. Restless is the voice that chides me while I am on my daily 45 minute commute to OSU-"keep driving." She says, "You don't want to go sit in lecture for two hours today! You REALLY want to go to the coast." While Restless may be brilliant, she usually gets ignored. I often wonder if it is her pure intention just to drive me off course (no pun intended)? On her bad days Restless has been known to stir up contention in otherwise happy situations. It's her voice that whines, "I can't believe I texted you an hour ago and you are just now responding!" She is the one that decides the already clean house is not perfect, so it must be cleaned again! Restless is contrary, and she is not a fan of logic. She rarely likes your ideas, but it's nothing personal.

I don't really know how to exactly describe the feeling of restlessness. I am not sure what always provokes it, but I do know that when Restless visits, she wants OUT. She feels boxed in with routine and responsibility.

I am beginning to think that Restless is necessary for happiness though. She's not all bad. She has lots of cool ideas. Dessert for dinner? Absolutely. Swimming after dark? Sure. Why, it was her that wanted to swim in the roped off section of the pool and explore the "abandoned" tower of the resort when in Maui. It's her that flops down in the snow and makes snow angels, dyes food various colors with food coloring, and sees the possibility in unique paint and decorating schemes. She will make yo laugh when she says the most random things, and maybe take you outside your comfort zone. She is anything but boring or routine.

So, if you have a Restless like I do, don' t ignore her all the time. She may not be reasonable, but she is impulsive and fun. Let her out at least a few times a week so that your Restless doesn't become Reckless when she rears her head! :)

Romance is in the sky...

I know, I know, the saying is that romance is in the air. That's all fine and dandy, but this weekend it is in the sky!  This post is a fun one on my top date ideas for this summer. Whether you have been married "forever", or are just starting to date, everyone can benefit for some fun ideas on what to do with your significant other.

1. Take to the sky! Or at least take your eyes there. This weekend is a meteor shower known as the Delta Aquarids. It is supposed to be visible from our hemisphere. Have some coffee and wait for the moon to set, or set your alarm and snooze a few hours beforehand, because the best viewing is after moonset. Not sure when exactly that is? Read the link below for viewing tips. Grab a blanket, make sure you are away from light pollution (aka go out in the country!), and prepare to be wowed.
http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide

If that proves a good time, there is another meteor shower every August, the Perseids.

2. Go miniature golfing. Seriously. I don't care how old you are or how silly you think you'll look. It's a blast and some healthy competition leads to healthy flirting with your partner. Similar ideas: bowling and billiards.

3. Go for a hike, and pack a picnic lunch.

4. Go to a water park. Splash at Lively Park in Springfield and Otter Beach in Corvallis are fun for kids and adults. There is also the newer Wings and Waves Waterpark in Mcminnville.

5. Be active! Go for a bike ride, a walk or rollerblade together. Then get some iced coffees afterward.

6. Cook together. My husband and I love to hit the grocery store and get the things we need to make a meal together, and then cook, bake or grill a meal. Since it's great weather, plan a BBQ for 2.

7. Sunrise Wake-up: Set your alarms to wake before the sun comes up (yes, truly!), pack a breakfast and some caffeinated beverages, and so somewhere beautiful to watch the sun come up. My suggestion? Anywhere near water.

8. Swim, tube, raft or canoe your way along in a local river.

9. Start a project together outside. Maybe it's a vegetable garden or maybe you're building a shed, but work as a team on something that will have a lasting benefit, and you'll share the pride of hard work together.

10.Go dancing! There are plenty of places that play live music you can dance to (think local restaurants, county fairs, rodeos).

Most of all, have fun! Be playful with one another and touch often-we need this. So grab your loved one's hand anytime you possibly can. :) More on the benefits of touch in a relationship in another post.

Announcement

I have been trying to decide what all I would like to do with this blog. Part of me just likes the idea of it being a journal of sorts, but I also like the following ideas:

• Relationship (marriage and dating) advice and fun ideas
• Career guidance
• Discussion of cool topics

I will probably do a bit of everything, since I can! :) But I would really like to know what you think and want? Please take the poll on the side of the page. Also, you may have the blog delivered to your email if you want and choose to follow it. I would like that if you want to, because I'd like to see who reads it.

Today's lesson... Hey, look squirrel!

Often I would joke with my older students that I had adult ADD. While this is true for some (and I am not making fun), I have really never been tested or even spoken to a doctor about it. I do know that while stability in some areas of my life is a must- can we say relationships and family- in other areas stability is synonymous with staleness.

There is something so refreshing about starting over. In a new beginning I can be whoever I want to be. An old friend of mine used to tease me that I had so much trouble picking a career path. It is actually not me joking when I say I changed majors at least fifteen times. It's truth, and honestly, probably a gross understatement! Her theory was that I had married young, and I needed something left to decide. Honestly though, time has shown me that the need for change is a fundamental part of my personality.

While I was teaching, some students loved the fact that I could get off topic very easily- though I am sure it annoyed others! In my four years teaching, I taught mostly different things every year, but in the times that there was overlap I'd think "oh, the atomic theory... I have to talk about this AGAIN?" Now mind you it was likely an entire year earlier that I'd taught it, but I thought "been there, taught that!" I will never forget my mentor teacher my first year teaching. As I started to compile things she would reassure me: "don't worry, after a few years you'll have all your units down and just have to pull each file to have plans ready!" While this was like manna from heaven for her personality, all I could think was, "eww! Why would I want to do that?" Teaching was considered fun for me when I had to learn something new, or some new teaching strategy then find an interesting way to impart the knowledge I'd learned. While it became easier by my fourth year (which could not have been more different than my first), I was starting to get restless.

Let's clarify about the changing major phenomenon that was my essence in early college: it wasn't that I wasn't interested in anything; I was interested in just about everything! But then I'd commit, realize how limiting the choice was and resume soul searching all over again. If you are not like I am, celebrate the fact that you are solid, dependable and probably very organized and efficient. Where you are is probably right where you want to be.

On the other hand, if you are like me, don't let it be a hinderance. Embrace the fact that so many experiences are out there for your taking, and if you have no idea where you want to be in ten years, that's okay. Life happens while you're making plans! It took me until age 30 to embrace this.

While I want to go home to the same man each night and have routine with my sons, other things are totally up for grabs. My hair? Well, yes it was shocking red earlier this year, then dark auburn, and yes there is dye currently in my car for a light, caramel brown. It was short for awhile, now I'm growing it out. I hate white walls and live to decorate! I like to eat different things on a regular basis (how's that irony?) and vacation in places I've never been. I read three or four books at a time and sometimes never finish. I like these changes. As far as career paths go, I now know that I need to pick something that changes often. This is why Barrett tells me I should be an ER nurse, so that I am never ( or rarely) bored!

Time to embrace the journey.

Puke, Poop and Pee...Sign Me Up!!!

Nurses deal with things on a normal basis that others simply do not have to deal with very often or at all. Nurses care for the most basic needs of people when they are too ill or injured to do it themselves. Gross? Yes, maybe at times. Noble? Absolutely. I cannot think of anything more raw then helping someone else when they are at their absolute lowest, allowing them an ounce of respect or modesty when they feel like it has all been removed.
No, I haven't been a nurse yet. I don't have all of these experiences to draw from. I do have a mom who worked in healthcare my entire childhood-which definitely has made clinics and hospitals seem way less scary to me! I have friends that are nurses that I have grilled about all aspects of their job, and I have read. A lot. About the nastiest, most gut-wrenching things that nurses do. There has not been a single story that has made me think "that's not for me." There have been many stories that have made me laugh and many more that have made me cry. I want to feel that passion. I want to be there to hold hands, smile at patients and perform tasks that they cannot. I know that not every patient will be likable, but I believe that every patient will teach me something.
Life is a set of lessons. It is the big school that teaches us through every triumph and through every failure, who we don't want to be, and who we can become. I have a lot of debt from going to school to become a teacher. I have a failed marriage and divorce in my past. I have two young boys when I wasn't sure I ever wanted children. College was not a waste. Education never is. Having children made me who I am today. They made me more compassionate, more selfless and more imaginative. Some of my best traits probably didn't exist before I became a mom, or at least they were hiding in dormancy. My failed marriage of ten years taught me so many things about who I wanted to be and what I needed in a partner. My time as a teacher taught me to care about the needs of others, what inspires them, what gets to them, and what makes them listen. I am thankful for my meandering journey that has lead me to discovering what I feel really matters in life.
In class the other day I heard a girl say that nursing just simply wasn't for her. "I guess I didn't realize that people can and do die during my watch and that I could even be responsible for it," she says. A boy (who does not want to be a nurse, but to go into a much "cleaner" healthcare profession) says, "yeah and there's blood, and puke and poop." Me? I laugh and say, "Bring in on." I am a mother of two. Do you honestly think   I am grossed out easily? While I am also not grossly attracted to it, bodily fluids are part of life. Life and death situations I am sure are stressful, but they matter. 
I have a long road, and I am not sure what specialty I will choose later on, or if fate will decide for me. I can tell you that I am seriously considering oncology. Yes, in regular people terms that translates to cancer patients. My husband says, "Honey, can you think of a more depressing place to work?" I guess I just don't see it that way. I know that when I make it through, I will be a great nurse. It's in my heart. So, my response, "Can you think of a better place to be?"

The Cadavers are Out!

The above sign is placed on the door entering the Anatomy lab  at Oregon State University anytime we will be working with the cadavers. The other morning I laughed to myself as I texted my husband telling him it was a typical morning for me-starting with coffee and cadavers! The sign in general makes me laugh. In my sarcastic brain I wonder, is that a warning or an invitation? I have just begun college. Again. The journey so far is interesting and difficult, but I am hoping the delayed gratification will kick in someday in ten-fold.

 I am (was) a teacher. I taught for 4 years, which I guess in the grand scheme of things was not very long. I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master's in Education-college should be easy! I enjoyed being a teacher most of the time. The last two years I taught middle school and high school science, and I even taught an introductory anatomy class. All the while though, I felt like I wasn't quite doing the right thing for me. I would talk to high schoolers about career paths and realize I wasn't following mine. I had wanted to be a nurse for over 12 years. I had been married, had two young boys, divorced and remarried. Then I was handed the chance:

 "We can do this on one income for awhile if you want to go back to school," my husband said to me. I debated on and off (I mean I had a career already), but in the end I knew I would look back with regrets if I didn't take the chance. I was in a bookstore one day during this decision-making period, and I saw a magnet that said "What would you try if you knew you couldn't fail?" That has become my mantra for this journey.

So, back to the cadavers. Cadavers (If you didn't already know this) are basically dead bodies that have been donated to science. Most people are freaked out at the thought of cadavers, and those that aren't are usually still a bit spooked. I mean, it makes sense. Death is scary for many, and looking at a body that is so clearly lacking any essence of life can scare people to their core. It can actually be a very spiritual experience-bear with me, because looking at the body lacking any forms of life can really make a person start asking those big questions: What happens after death? Is there an afterlife? Even though my body can remain, where does the part that makes me-well, me, go? I obviously have my own beliefs about these things , as I am sure many of you do, but I will tell you that the cadavers will make you wonder. 

There are many things that can actually be done with a body that is donated to science. I was curious while I was talking to one of my past classes about it, so I read a book called Stiff: The Curious Life of  Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. Good book. Very interesting. As it turns out, there are a multitude of uses for cadavers such as forensics research, crash testing and military testing to name a few. Being donated and actually used for aspiring healthcare professionals seems to be one of the more elite jobs a cadaver can do. But hey, I think they are all useful, and it's just a body. I already told my husband, when I go-donate everything, not just organs, but anything that can help others. Consider it something that can "live" on. 

I was fairly nonchalant about taking an Anatomy course this summer for my nursing prerequisites that I knew would utilize cadavers in lab. After-all, I had taught high school anatomy for 2 years, and the highlight of our studies was to go view a cadaver lab. Still, on that first day I was nervous. Cadavers are housed in these "tanks" that hook up to ventilation tubes to help with the smell (which is mostly a chemical smell, and OSU sweetens it with dryer sheets-no joke!). The tank also have drainage below them for early on in cadaver dissections when things well, need to be drained. They almost always have a towel over their head, because we are told that for many people it is the hardest part to view. I will agree, though in curiosity, a classmate and I have indeed viewed ours. After a month full of anatomy labs learning about muscles, I have to say there is no fear left in me of cadavers. No spookiness. No sadness. I have seen every fellow classmate and instructor handle them with the utmost care and respect. We are gentle when touching, quiet when speaking around them, and just generally appreciative. Yes, I appreciate the cadavers. We have two in my class right now. A 93 year-old woman, and an elderly man (I forget his age). Because of the cadavers I have a much better understanding of how our muscles and bones work together,where everything is located, and even how muscles and tendons feel. I could not have gotten that straight from the textbook. 

And yes...you do get so used to being around them that there is no gross factor whatsoever anymore. It is very common to hear a classmate whisper, "I'm hungry. Is that weird?" and for you to respond, "Nope, me too!"