One Starfish, One Person, At a Time

I have been broken, and I have been patched back together. Because of this, I easily recognize the hurt in others. In many ways, being broken has been one of my biggest blessings. I am slow to warm up to others, but love deeply and fiercely. I root for the underdog...always. I see the good in all people, even when it seems to only exist in slivers underneath layers of muck. I am passionate about the people that have lost it all, or close to. Give me the people that hurt, that hide, and that act out and push others away. I will find the kernel of humanity in there, and while doing so I will see that person as others often refuse to see them-I will see them as beautiful and whole, even if they feel anything but. I will avert my gaze when they slip up and offer only help and love, no pushiness and no false promises, just dignity and compassion. I will wrack my brain of little, seemingly insignificant ways to help, and I will shed tears over the stories of others. 

These are my strengths.

I am selfish though. I think of what I want and need, and what is best for my family. I crave stability and comfort. I am impatient and overindulgent. Sometimes I want to escape. I want to travel far away, and take a time out from life. I am stubborn and independent. I let few people truly in. I am perfectionistic, and nagging, high-strung and sometimes quick to anger. 

These are my weaknesses. 

My life (all lives) is a journey. In this season I am in a position to help teens that have fallen behind, been kicked out of regular school, or cannot handle the atmosphere of a "regular" classroom. Honestly, I kind of dig it. And I am good at it. I am not trying to be boastful, but I feel the measure of being good at something like this comes down to making connections and caring about these kids, and I do. This job is temporary, by it's very nature. It may not even exist next year (though I think it will), and it is temporary in my head. Not stable. Not to be counted on. Maybe not yet. I am lucky to have it and learn from it, regardless. 

Today I blog to get out my feelings. I began this blog with a journey in mind, and the path has been longer and bendier than I planned.  In exactly 1 month I will find out if I am chosen to interview for either nursing school I applied to. Though that is not the final decision by far, it gives me some idea. I will know for sure (if I interview) if I am accepted anywhere by April (for one) and June (for the other). I still want this. I still think if I get in, I have to pursue this. There is a big part of me that thinks that with all the prayer I have done about it, that if I get in it is a sign to move into health care, and if I don't it is a sign to stay in education. I am not afraid of the schooling itself. But I am afraid of the potentially crazy hours and the effect that could have on my family. They depend on me to be here when they are, and right now, even working, I can be 99% of the time. But families grow and adjust. My end goal would potentially give me normal hours again after a few years (or maybe, just maybe right away), because some of the nursing routes I have grown most interested in are perhaps nontraditional. School nursing, public health nursing, and/or my final goals of being a Nurse Practitioner in Women's Health, and eventually a nursing instructor all yield more traditional business hours. Teens are my favorite group to work with, and I think that even in nursing I would do instruction in sexual education, and provide time at the local pregnancy clinic (even as a volunteer for both). And yes, to those still reading my long post, I have given some consideration into becoming a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, and combining my love for psychology with nursing. And they are in HIGH need, so I have read. :)

If I remain in education, I will not stay stagnant. I will either earn another license, this time in special education, and/or a second master's degree and license in school counseling. The special education license would ensure that I could keep working with populations similar to what I am working with now. I would get mild/moderate disabilities at the secondary level, which is high school kids with emotional disturbance classification, anxiety disorders, mild learning disorders, and autism. School counseling has always interested me, and I would, of course, want to work at the high school level.

There are pros and cons to everything, and I have made numerous charts! :) When it comes down to it, I left a dream teaching job (in many respects) because I was not feeling passionate about it. I felt/feel called into health care, and have an overwhelming desire for that kind of knowledge. I love learning about the human body, what can go wrong with it, and how to take care of it. But this job I have now has reminded me of my passion for helping teens too. Too many passions? Sometimes I think, yes. 

What would you do, if you were me? Frankly I would love the advice, conversation, anything. If you have time, comment or private message me your thoughts, and please keep me and my next few months in your prayers. 

My life's motto: One starfish-One person at a time.

This Job is Deceptive Part 3

After a wonderful (and much needed) vacation in Hawaii, Barrett and I each returned to work this past Tuesday. I had heard over the vacation that I had indeed gotten the teaching position, so I did a bit (wink, wink) of shopping before heading back in. I had decided not to ask if I could paint (because I was pretty sure I would be told no), but had gotten rugs, wall hangings, lamps and other decorative items for the classroom. You can see before and after pictures here: Classroom Redone. I had felt a bit bad, because a gal that I work with had done what little decoration there was, and I took it all down. Basically it was just the motivational posters.  Since none of my students are really known for liking school (understatement of the week!), I wanted the classroom to look nothing like a classroom. I wanted it to feel more like a sitting room or living room. 

The kids are teaching me lots! Literally. The subject I am asked for help with the most is Algebra, so guess who is relearning that dandy of a subject? A couple more things I have been reminded of this week: 
-Never, ever lie to a student about something being better than it is. They will see right through you.
          The phrase, "Oh fun! You get to do 53 algebra problems in a row!" is probably not something they want to hear....ever. While I try to stay positive, I will let them complain about how not fun something is. Instead of trying to change their mind (or mine!), I just tell them "you have to do this, but I am here to help every step of the way." To me, and I hope to them, that seems a lot more real. We also take mini breaks often. 30 math problems? Okay have some hot chocolate. You turned in an essay? Do you want to color for ten minutes? Yes, we ALL like coloring. High school students included. I print cool, not young, coloring pages of dragons, and geometric (very detailed) designs...things that take days on end to color. It is something that gives their mind a quick time out. 

The 3 main things that I have been reminded of that matter when working with these kids?
1. Be consistent. They need stability. Small things can throw them for a loop. Try to be there at the same time every day (even if you have a kid that comes early and you don't quite have to be there just yet!)  Stand your ground on your expectations. If foul language is something you will not tolerate in a classroom at all (like me!), do not let it slide. Instead calmly, but firmly remind the students "That language is not welcome in my classroom."
2. Use humor. We need it. 3.5 hour chunks is a L-O-N-G time for these kids to be stuck working on school-work in the same room with the same peers. It is long for their teacher too. Humor goes a long way. Being able to laugh at yourself is very important too. 
3. Show acceptance. Do you remember being a teenager? It is an awkward stage at best. No matter how they look, and to a large extent, even how they behave and what choices they make, these kids need to know that you accept them as is. Do NOT go in trying to change them. Changes do happen, but they are in small increments after you have shown you are worthy of trust. Sometimes in my classroom this can be pretty extreme. Students may come in smelling like pot (which has to be reported), or un-showered, or dressed really strange quite frankly, and it is my job to smile and welcome them each and every day no matter what.

These kids that I am getting to know have problems so huge that I cannot fix them all. Their homes are broken, their parents uninterested, their clothes often dirty, they are often hungry. They may drink, smoke, do drugs and have sex all too soon and all too dangerously. Today I heard just a smidge of the life that one of my students is part of. I cried when they left. I prayed as well. Sometimes it feels too huge. I can't be the only one who cares. But then I think, hopefully I am not, and at least I do. 

I am reminded of Maslow's Hierrachy of Needs (fellow Psych lovers rejoice!), and how I cannot hope to help these kids without meeting their most basic of needs, and in some cases, that may be about all I can do. But I can do that. So, on my drive home today I brainstormed. I will find out their favorite breakfast/lunch foods and bring in those meals once a week as a special treat. I will have clean clothes from the thrift store (just simple things like hoodies) that they can take, no questions asked. I will have a bin in the bathroom with deodorant, body wash, toothpaste and toothbrushes that are free and can be taken in private. I even thought about implementing a back-pack type program used in elementary schools where 1 student each week is given a bag full of nutritious, easy-to-make meals and snacks for the weekend. Yes...it IS that bad.  I will develop a system where I meet with each student once a week and get to know them better facilitated by a simple questionnaire that asks these 3 questions for discussion: 1) what was the best part of your week? 2) what was the worst part of your week? 3) What, specifically, would make life easier/better next week? I want to hang a bulletin board that has the students' goals and color images of the places they want to visit. I want to make this classroom theirs for the time they are in it, and make myself available to them.  If anything I have said triggers an idea that you have, please message me. I am open to any ways to help. 

That is all for now. This job is deceptive. That remains a good title to my series. I never thought it could mean so much in so little a time. I never thought helping a small handful of kids could change me. 

Oahu Vacation (the rest)

I have been meaning to blog for the last few days, but things have been too busy and interesting (I guess as it should be while I am on vacation), that by the time Barrett and I return to our room and look at pictures from the day or read for a bit, I am exhausted! Today is our last full day in Oahu, and we have really enjoyed ourselves. Once we decided to stay (and not give in and fly to Maui!), we have made it a point to have fun, do touristy things here and there, indulge, and enjoy relaxing. After all, we both have jobs to return to (!!!) when we get home. I am assuming you read my news on Facebook, that I found out while here that I got the job I have been subbing for the remainder of this school year. I am excited about that, but I cannot even begin to speculate what that may mean for the future, since too many things have yet to be decided, but from when I return until the second week of June, I belong to Sweet Home School District.

Our view from our balcony

Anyhow, I was saying that we have gotten in lots of relax time. We chose to only do the one excursion (the snorkeling and dolphin watching trip), and even gave up our spot on an already booked Pearl Harbor tour. Embarrassingly enough, that was entirely my fault, but Barrett was so understanding about it, saying he'd rather hang with me on the beach anyhow. I have admitted on here before that I have overactive bladder. Even with my medication, I have good days and bad days. I am lucky that I don't experience many of the humiliating symptoms that I could with this condition, BUT on a bad day, I need a restroom, every 30 minutes or so when I am awake. NOT fun. On the snorkel trip our bus and our boat had a restroom, so we called ahead  to see if the one for Pearl Harbor tour would (Hind-sight says I should have done that before booking, but Google says it is like a 30 min. drive-yeah, without any traffic!). I am so glad we called. The bus had a restroom that was being repaired but was out of service for likely what would be our tour the very next day. The drive we were told, can take 1.5-2 hours from where we were at on the pick-up schedule. Eh. Even on a good day, that would be a stretch!  Sorry for the TMI (though I have vowed to  not be embarrassed by this condition anymore! It is not like I asked for it, and is the same as someone having asthma or another unfortunate ailment), but all this being said is why we decided (even without a refund...yeah, I know right???!) that we would not put me in that situation. Barrett was my hero then. I was going to go anyhow, and just be miserable, hold my bladder, and risk being sick (it makes me nauseous and full of anxiety when I am "trapped" somewhere). Barrett told me that although Pearl Harbor would be cool to see, that he'd rather not be on a tour bus too, and that we would enjoy our trip together doing something else.

Sunset Beach, North Shore, Oahu

That something else was a day on the North Shore. We got a rental car, and stopped at many beaches that day. We watched the big waves the surfers ride on, played in some pretty good size surf (though we just danced on the edges mostly-we are too fearful and respectful of the powerful ocean!), waded in a huge tide pool, visited Turtle beach and watched the sea turtles, and even went to the Dole Plantation. We had yummy Mexican food for lunch at a place called LuiBuenos, and whipped pineapple at the plantation. It was a great day. The next day we bummed around the beaches right here at Waikiki. We attempted to snorkel off Fort DeRussy beach, and saw a few cool fish, but mostly swam due to the visibility of the water. We ate a delicious dinner at Bali Steakhouse that night. It was almost too fancy, as in my Caesar salad had anchovies on it (eww), and the mashed potatoes were called "potato puree" which to me sounds like something people eat in a nursing home. Regardless, we joked about the pretentiousness of the place, and enjoyed the food and my beverage-a Blue Hawaiian that was a bit strong. I guess that's why I felt my lobster needed to dance. ;)

At Ko'Olina Lagoons

Yesterday we drove to the Ko 'Olina Lagoons. These are four apparently man-made lagoons where there are rocks and a rock wall of sorts to protect swimmers from the open ocean. I don't care if it isn't 100% au natural. It was amazing!!! The fish, the waves (only to a lesser degree), and sea turtles come right into the calm, very clear lagoons. Amazing snorkeling. I would totally take the boys here. Barrett and I LOVED this area of Oahu, and indeed spoke of bringing the boys to a resort in Kapolei (where Ko 'Olina is) in the next year or so. It was clean, manicured parks, great turquoise water, and just breathtaking. We even saw a mongoose running across the grass as we were leaving. Yes, they live here in Hawaii.

Barrett has spoiled me rotten here. I am the owner of dead sea skincare products, a silk dress that can be worn in various ways, a real, flower lei (we both got leied last night! heehee), and shell earrings. We have indulged in every meal that we desire desperately trying to ignore the prices. Both of us got quite sunburned yesterday after snorkeling all day that we have mainly been relaxing in our room today with warm air coming in from our balcony-hence me finally having the time to blog. Overall, we have ended up having a great trip. Oahu has grown on us. On the one hand, it is ridiculously expensive ($60 breakfast buffet anyone??), crowded, and the main beach we are on is not great for snorkeling. On the other hand, we found some very cool places, have loved the food choices, and love the privacy of our tower and the separate pool and spa. It is just about time to come home, and we are both excited at that too. We miss our boys, our pets, our family and our own bed. Aloha, and Mahalo for reading.

That is a mongoose!!!

Oahu Vacation Days 1-3

Okay, I have to start this post with a totally honest (albeit spoiled sounding) admission. When Barrett and I first arrived in Honolulu Friday afternoon we were underwhelmed. We were actually thisclose to canceling/changing our vacation package and getting on a flight to Maui and just sucking up all the change fees. Now that I have said that and know how bad that sounds, because yes, we are in Hawaii for a week, and yes, we are grateful we get to take vacations in the first place, let me explain. It was very stressful getting to Oahu, but we had been up since 4AM, and were not happy campers. Then we arrived in Honolulu, and oh my the traffic!!! You'd think we were in LA or New York, only with less lanes available, and tour buses everywhere. When we got to our room, we had been planning on upgrading our room to ocean view (we had not booked it that way, but had called ahead and been told it was an option), but nothing was available for the whole week. Needless to say when we got  to our room, we were both in a mood.

 Due to a bizarre snow-storm (we honestly don't get that much snow where we live!), we left early Thursday to travel to Portland. A few errands and our drive up that should have taken 3 hours maximum (for everything) took almost 7. This is proof that the areas in Oregon with which we are most familiar with and travel through do not get much snow, because you'd have thought that the world stopped. I mean it was almost something out of one of those apocalyptic movies. We saw over 20 wrecks just from our house to Salem (which would be a little less than an hour in normal conditions). We finally made it to our hotel in Portland which thankfully we booked ahead because everything was sold out, due to flights coming in from Portland and people not wanting to drive home and thus staying in the city. Our not very nice room also lacked functional heat. Thank God my mom had insisted that we take a sleeping bag in case we got stuck anywhere. It kept us warm in our hotel room! The next morning our flight left over an hour late, and it wasn't late as in when we got on, we waited an HOUR after we boarded to even take off for our already 6 hour flight. I know, I know, it could be much worse.

After a bit of rest, our first sunset here, and some real food (not airplane picnic packs), we felt a bit better about checking out this new place. You see, Honolulu and the Waikiki Beach area is CROWDED. It is a very popular destination, and the Hilton Hawaiian Village where we are staying could be a small town. The resort is HUGE. There are 4 swimming pools, a saltwater lagoon, tons of beach access, multiple restaurants and a shopping center all on site. There are 2 wedding chapels, multiple ponds with Koi, turtles and ducks, and even African penguins (who knew Africa had penguins??). Now, I did my research before we came, but neither of us realized just how touristy Oahu really is. Apparently there are direct flights from Tokyo, and because of that many Japanese tourists come here. ALL of the signs are in English and Japanese, yen is accepted as currency, and I kid you not, we were the only Americans on our tour bus today. That is all fine, the Japanese are very nice, I am just describing how different the experience has been from Maui.

Anyhow, the tower we are staying in has a private sundeck, pool and jacuzzi, and we have found it is a lovely place to sit and wake up with a book, coffee and a sunrise (we are mostly staying on Oregon time while here, so we are up pretty early). We tried out a few places to eat and found a favorite that has mostly reasonable prices (almost everything in Hawaii is shockingly expensive), swam in the ocean, and joined the free appetizer nights in our tower. Today we went on a dolphin watching snorkel sail, and it was AMAZING! We saw humpback whales, spinner dolphins, sea turtles, many fish, and octopuses. The weather was gorgeous, and we were very happy with the tour. We are having fun, and determined to have a great vacation.

This Job is Deceptive Part 2

These kids come in hungry and tired. They have stayed up half the night playing video games sometimes. Sometimes they are ill or in pain, but the family cannot afford to get them the medicine or care they need, so they just sleep it off as best they can and trudge back in to me. It really makes you wonder where the parents are.  Are they too tired, too run-down, and too defeated by life to care? Perhaps they too are sleeping it off.  If this is the case, it seems the lifestyle of poverty perpetuates itself one generation after the other. I know that often this is the case. I have read explanations of this. It just seems different to see it in person, I guess. 

Students miss school, even here, a lot. It is not something that is on their radar as being important. How do I even begin to make the connection that school is the first step to getting them out of here? It is the first step to having a better life. I worry that I alone, may not be enough. I want to counsel each student on career choices, college, and using their strengths.  I want to fix their lives, even if it is in small measures.  Before I can do any of that though, I have to make them believe that they actually have some strength, some talents.  It is baby steps against a ticking clock because every day, every hour counts, yet if you push too hard you risk completely losing them. It is the paradox of helping kids like this.  Push a little, get some work done. Sit back a little, let them talk to you.  Push a little more, but not too much to get them to open up a bit, because you can’t truly help them until you know them-each kid is that different. What works for one student may not work at all for another…heck, what works one day for what student may not work again tomorrow.

The school system provides free breakfasts and lunches, and the kids usually do eat something while here. The gesture in itself is great, and I am glad that there is something for these kids, but I know  the few choices that are brought in must get a bit old after awhile too (though better than not eating at all!). Perhaps once a week I can bring in some other options-fresh fruit, juice and bagels maybe?  Maybe that could be a small, but somehow significant, high point in the week. My psychology background says yes, you feed them and make them feel safe first. All else comes later. You cannot build without a foundation.

Speaking of that psychology background-I guess I never knew if I would need it or not. Sure, it comes in handy, but I majored in it because it interested me, not necessarily because of what I could do with it. Now I can say after almost 3 weeks here that it is indeed very useful. I pulled two of my “regulars” aside the other day for 10 minutes at a time and gave them a very basic, and free, personality test for fun. Not only were they open to it, but they LOVED it. Here was something on paper telling them their strengths and areas to improve on, possible career choices, and explanations for behaviors. It turned on a light for them. One boy told me, “This explains me very well; I am taking this home to show people!” It was a simple thing, more for me than them at the time (I was curious), but the reactions were undeniably positive. Here was something that gets them. I am reminded that to be understood, to be got is a very important aspect of being a teen.

So far this is a job filled with extreme highs and lows in every regard. Attitude, attendance, and even how much I am needed fluctuate from hour to hour. My days are full of busyness and boredom, accomplishment and defeat. It is hard to put into words. How do I describe to you the happiness I feel when a student finally “gets” something or the companionship that is growing in the room-my students now hugging me as they leave? There is also the frustration of keeping kids on task, the not knowing what each moment will hold, the stretches of afternoon when I am simply monitoring but not needed to teach anything (It has been the pattern that my morning students need much more help than my afternoon students). I realized I was excited yesterday to teach a math concept that my student had not had before, and one that I actually enjoy. I am a dumping ground of sorts. I regularly hear phrases like “We are trying this student with you because we aren’t sure what else to try…”, or “Let’s see how this goes. This student has a bad track record with traditional school.”  I even have been given an elementary school student that they are unsure what to do with, even though all my other students are grades 8-12.

I am not sure anyone could stay here long term, and I mean year after year, but I could maybe see stating awhile. These are my thoughts for now.

-- 
Sarah B