Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Leaves Like Snow

Today is a busy day, but it is also a quiet and reflective day. Last night, against my protests, Barrett convinced me to watch a scary movie, Christine, an old movie about a killer car. I know, I know, it really isn't very scary you are probably thinking if you have seen it. The thing is, I am SUCH a baby about scary movies. I stared at the ceiling last night for hours upon hours while Barrett snored next to me, with my head running wild with images that the movie never even showed...just described. My imagination is wild enough to fill in all the gaps, making a not that scary movie absolutely grotesque. I dozed a few times and awoke from nightmares, turned the lamp on my nightstand on (because bad things don't happen when there is light...right?) Well Max, decides then to howl and whine at the door, even though he never needs to go out at night, probably because I had the light on. I was just starting to doze, and the clock on the ceiling (ours is projected up high) says 1:00 AM. Barrett, who has become fluent in interpretation of Sarah, wakes up to a sigh (from me), and trudges out with the dog for his not-so-necessary bathroom break, even though I was wide awake, but there was no way in you know where that I was venturing outside. Afterall, my car may decide I've angered it, and it will come alive and run me down! Great husband that he is, Barrett's only complaint was a stab at logic..."the dog is awake because the light is on," and other than that, he snuggled me close all night as I tossed and turned, finally finding sleep around 1:30 or 2.

On the same note, the other night I drove back from my first time at my new book club group (I enjoyed it!), and realized it was my first time driving alone in the dark in a long time. I am a wuss. I hate dark, country roads, and always imagine being attacked and no-one being around to hear me scream (see, in the city they would at least hear me!). I imagine killers lurking in the backseat of my car, just waiting to strike, and monsters around every turn. Yeah, I am 30...and no, I have NOT outgrown this fear! :) My drive is mostly country, so the other night I finally broke down and called Barrett and told him he had to talk to me on the way home!

On my delightful 4-5 hours of sleep, I hurried to shower and dress to be down at Lane for an advising appointment that was practically worthless, but was recommended. Yes, I know the classes I need. Yes, I am planning on applying this Winter. Oh? You want me to meet with someone else next week to get the final go ahead? Yay, me. I also found it amusing that the adviser pointed out to me that I have the prereqs I would need for other programs too, like Dental Hygiene and Respiratory Therapy. No, duh!!! I wanted to scream, but it has made me again think about perhaps applying to other programs too...Oh, and I loved the fact that he actually said out loud "there are easier schools to get into than ours." Thanks for the vote of confidence. My grades are actually pretty great...give or take a few B's here and there. Maybe later today I will examine other possibilities as what-ifs.

Now it is almost time for the next few activities in my busy day, lunch with my friend Candi, pest company visit to our home (yay!!!), picking up Matt from school early and getting him to Heidi for dentist appointment, and then later after B gets off work, back up to Albany for trick-or-treating with my boys, my ex, Heidi, and her daughter. 

It did occur to me again today that Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I found myself giggling out loud as I drove through the rain and wind, making leaves flutter to the ground as if snowflakes...so gorgeous!  Then again, giggling to oneself also could be a symptom of sleep deprivation! Happy Halloween.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Calling in the Troops

I like a clean house. I think I have established that in earlier posts. I also would not give up living in the country ever unless I absolutely had to after the past 7 years of country living, first in Lacomb, outside Lebanon and now just south of Brownsville. I love my deer that roam our 6.5 acres here, the wild turkeys I sometimes see, the quiet, and the fact that the stars show up so well out here without city life. Now, what does this have to do with a clean house? Being in the country also means a lot more mud, tall grasses and gravel tracked inside...and it means more bugs. Yes, bugs. I have been through some pretty gross insect problems, and actually most were in the city. Teeny tiny red ants invaded my apartment in California, and spiders my suburban backyard in Oregon. Now...we have a pest problem. It's like admitting I'm an alcoholic (only I'm not!)...Hi, my name is Sarah...and I have a bug problem. 

It began with swarms of yellow jackets this summer, building nests in the walls of the house (oh, yes!), and Barrett would set up his shop-vac and let it run all day at the entrance of their "home". We would look later, after he sprayed poison down the vacuum hose, and find the shop-vac almost halfway full of yellow jackets. Mind you, that's hundreds...maybe even thousands, it's not like they take up much room. We hung one of those trap things. It's full of yellow jackets. This was annoying, and gross, and Isaiah ended up stung 4 times this summer. But the major thing has been now that it's getting wet and cold, they are somehow making their way inside. I killed 6 yellow jackets in poor Isaiah's room this afternoon. I hunted them with my vacuum hose attachment! I killed 2 more in my bedroom downstairs. I am not amused. 

It does not end there though. We also (lucky us!!!) have a lady-bug problem. Yes, cute little ladybugs that I will never, ever think are cute again. Apparently they are really called Asian Lady Beetles, as they can come in red, orange, brown, yellow and even a lime green with or without spots. They look like ladybugs. I frankly don't care what they are called. They are invading my home. I used to have a student that was scared of ladybugs and we would all poke a bit of fun at her. This would be her worst nightmare. They come in seeking warmth, and they come in droves. My hand-held vacuum cleaner, and my hose attachment are the only match for them, and I have to vacuum a few times a day!!!  

I finally told Barrett, after returning home today to a door covered in lady-bugs and the 6 yellow jackets in my son's bedroom, this is enough! I know it's not because we are dirty, but it makes my skin crawl, and they are not welcome in my home. So, he called in the troops. Wednesday a pest company will come out and for a nice sum and quarterly contract...take care of the bugs. Fine. Sign me up.

Friday, October 26, 2012

55 Pounds of Pumpkin Later

It has been an icky week, just very tiring and emotional all-around. Today I was determined to have a great day with both boys (Matt has no school on most Fridays), but I awoke with a headache, proceeded to be overly sensitive to Barrett this morning, and was grouchy before I'd even had a shower. But...Thank God for the pumpkin patch! 

55 pounds of pumpkins later there were 2 happy and exhausted muddy boys and one happy and exhausted muddy mother. We went to Lone Pine Farms in Junction City, and if you are from around here, I highly recommend it. Barrett found it online at http://www.lonepinefarms.com/. We were sad that he didn't get to go, but the forecast says rain all weekend, and none today. There were goats to pet and feed, a large playground, a store with ice cream and food as well as produce, a "cow train" small roller-coaster ride and the choice of a tractor drawn or horse drawn trip to the pumpkin patch (HUGE one) to choose pumpkins (priced by the pound), and a corn maze. It was a great place to go. We literally could have spent all day there, and as it was were there for about 3 1/2-4 hours. It did cost us about $45 for all we did, but I wanted to check everything out...and we did buy pretty good-sized pumpkins, so you could definitely do it for less (or also for more, as the $7 Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches smelled delicious!!).

The maze was long, and we spent over an hour in it, reading Halloween trivia clues off of a laminated card out loud that would tell you which way to go...if you guessed the right answer. We even cheated and looked a few up on my phone! The maze is haunted at night, but it gave it the right amount of spooky during the day to see most of the props set up, like a ghost town, deserted school bus and creepy gingerbread house area that we walked through to name a few. One fun aspect was the clues...you would have to find numbered posts, and then solve the trivia and it would say which way to turn. There were also fun-house mirrors throughout that really gave weird illusions of which path you had come from. I hate scary stuff, so walking through the maze with just the two boys on a cloudy, windy day was really fun. I doubt we'd like the actual haunted maze. About half-way through we all wanted to give up, then saw a sign (and an emergency exit) saying we were at the half-way point. We decided to keep going, gave fist-pumps and went on our muddy way. 


Lunch today? Tillamook ice cream cones. We got three pumpkins at the actual patch, and now that we are home, we all changed into "soft clothes" and I put the muddy clothes in the washer. The boys are watching Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs, while I attempt to make P.F. Chang's Lettuce Wraps with jasmine rice for dinner. Surprisingly, the trip with my boys gave me the energy to do so, and put a huge smile on my face. Thank you, God, this was just what I needed. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

IT etiquette

Here is my short rant on etiquette in the information age between friends and loved ones. If someone texts you, respond as soon as is appropriate for you. Do not wait until the person no longer wants to talk or thinks you are angry at them. If you are in the middle of a text conversation, do not leave people hanging. The information age has made communication easy, efficient and practically instantaneous. It is beyond rude for someone to send you a whole well thought out paragraph and you to respond with a smiley. Really? Don't overwork your thumbs or anything. Most people are aware (especially if they know you well) when you are more available than others. Oh? And if I send a text? Please don't respond with a phone call. I texted because I am somewhere where the conversation topic is more appropriate to be written and read versus said aloud ( like in line at a grocery store, out of good cell coverage range-my phone actually gets way better email and text coverage than phone coverage at my home, or I may not want children to overhear).

The same goes with email. If you have a smartphone, guess what? People are well aware of the fact that your email also shows up on your phone. And the uncanny thing is that you can respond from your phone. Again, respond in a timely fashion. Never claim technology naïveté when people know what your phone can do! :)

On Facebook, here are also a few things. If someone takes the time to actually try to be more personal with you by posting on your wall a short message, a response, even just a short one, is required. The fact that you had a post meant that someone cared enough to take the few minutes to do so. If someone tries to chat, respond. Or... Turn chat feature off. I often do this when I just want to waste a few minutes on Facebook but have no desire to chat with anyone. It's handy.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don't Poke...Will Cry.

Do you ever have one of those days (weeks even) that you feel as if your emotions are so out of balance that if someone walked up to you and poked you in the arm, you would unleash all the tears, all the anger, the hurt, and the frustration you have been keeping in? That's me today. While I am trying to just focus on studying for my upcoming midterms and general menial tasks like folding laundry, my insides are quaking with every thought and feeling that swims in an endless sea of uncertainty. Ever hear of Charybdis? It was a great sea monster rationalized into a violent whirlpool, from Greek mythology. Charybdis lives inside me right now. 

I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am actually trying to not talk about my feelings much recently because I have a feeling that even those that love me most are sick of my indecision, though they would never say it, and though Barrett and my parents will no doubt support anything I choose to do (oh, you want to be an astronaut now? Okay!) with enthusiasm and unconditional love...that doesn't mean they want to sit and analyze everything either. So I blog. At least you have the option of closing the webpage and going back to your life. 

On another note, I will not talk about one of the reasons I have been upset as of late, except to say that it is through only my parents, kids and husband that I have ever known unconditional love. And perhaps God, though not the one that condemns my every action that people like to wield as a weapon against others, but the one that sees my faults and loves me anyway. That is what I would like to believe God is. But I digress. Perhaps another post another day. Let's just say that I have once again learned that love can be conditional, and when those conditions are not met, it is revoked utterly, immediately and irreparably. 

Back to Charybdis. While you may tire of my rampant vexations at the institution of nursing program admissions, it is maybe because you need to understand me better. In a previous post from a long time ago, I talked about being personality type INFJ-now whether or not you put merit in personality categories, I can tell you that I have seen scarily accurate indications that these categories truly do exist. You can find out what you are if you want...see: 52% Introvert...How About You?. Anyhow, finding a career, the right career, is of utmost importance to me. While I have no problem working, and have never shied away from responsibilities, I have an inherent NEED to find my calling. I do not want a job or to just pay the bills, and if that were the case I would have left well enough alone...(though teaching doesn't exactly pay bills well). I need to know what I should do. What it is I ought to be doing that I can do with all the 
care, passion and integrity that I possess. 

Life has defining moments. I remember when I was a freshmen at junior college, taking a religion course. I was trying to decide between being a nurse and a teacher, and I stayed after one day to consult my professor. "Does it matter to God what I do?" I asked him. He told me he thought that one person could have many good fits and asked about the things I was considering. His words of advice? "As a nurse I imagine you would also get to be a teacher."
When Greg was deciding whether to pursue a degree in business or to become a police officer, we had gone away on a marriage retreat with our church, and had ventured off to a bookstore. We walked in, and a small wallet-sized card fell at his feet. On it read Prayer of a Police Officer. We of course saw it as a huge sign, and I believe he still carries it today, years later. On either side of the display was Prayer of a Teacher and Prayer of a Nurse, and we joked about which one was meant to be mine. 

I am okay with persevering, re-taking classes, applying to various programs, and working as a CNA until the day comes that I am accepted into RN school...but I want to know it is the right thing. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

And Then There Was One...

Today was rough in more ways than one, but the one that I will share is the phone call from Chemeketa Community College about me transferring in credits. Not only will they not accept my psychology course (even though the subject is what my BS is in!), but they apparently have a weird, and unpublished way of counting. They will not take my Microbiology course because it was taken over 7 years ago. The way they count...in some weird, made-up, random way. I took the course in Spring 2006. Last time I checked we are in the year 2012. Do the math. 6 years? Yes. 7? Ummm....no. I am no mathematician, but huh? I asked the lady to double and triple check. "Oh, we count years from the summer, and so that would be the cut off." Me:. "Okay...but I took it in the Spring of 2006.." Her: "Yeah, I checked, that won't count." Holding back tears I told her that perhaps that should be better explained in their application checklist, and if it had been I would have taken it (again) this Fall. Now it is too late to take for applying for next Fall's nursing program. SIGH. I text Barrett-Please call me. And he calls me from work and comforts me, agreeing about the complete idiocy of the program. To top matters off I had a not-that-pleasant phone call with Breckenridge Nursing in Portland. I had heard that they tried to accommodate people on getting clinicals closer to home, and was okay with the idea of the awful commute twice a week...but it turns out that not only will they not take most of my credits in transfer, but the lady explained, "Oh, we could never promise that. Our program is Portland based. Welcome to nursing." I was thinking some pretty unkind words in my head, but politely told her that their program was not for me. 

I am so angry. It is not like I graduated from some diploma mill. I went to a highly ranked university, and worked my butt off and did well. Grrrr! Growly noises all around. This leaves Lane and only Lane for my RN application. While it is my first choice anyhow, my chances are not fantastic. I am wondering if I should somehow hedge my bets so to speak and also apply for their LPN (licensed practical nurse) program and RT (respiratory therapist) program...as they have similar prerequisites. I hate the waiting game. On a weird hunch today I contacted Northwest Christian University in Eugene about their School Counseling and Licensed Professional Counselor programs...and yes, I am totally qualified to apply, my past experience garners me a level of respect, and I'd be looking at the same time frame (2-3) years. Sigh again. All I can wonder is if I made the wrong call? But I am gritting my teeth, applying to Lane in January...and will know something by March...

Monday, October 22, 2012

Friends...A Notion that Changes

I do not have many friends. My best friend is my husband. Other than him, I have a handful of good friends, and a small handful at that...and many, many acquaintances.  Maybe it's me. Maybe it's the fact that for many people the notion of friendship changes through the years. You are friends with classmates in school, then co-workers, family members, fellow church-goers at times, parents of your children's friends...and the list goes on. Sometimes that makes me sad. I had a best friend. But things change, people change (or maybe they were always a certain way, but , this I have been told and know that it is true. I changed with my divorce. I slowly became the person I was maybe 12 years prior, but a bit more cautious and at the same a bit less worried about others liking me. I am who I am, and I feel like I am a better person now than ever before. But this is judged through various lenses for other people. Did she make poor choices? Does she have a home church? Does she see her kids enough? Why does she get along with her ex-husband's wife? Questions like this I have heard both aloud, and in the thoughts of others.  I have lost close friends from prior to my huge life changes, and again...it makes me sad. But it also makes me stronger. This? This is me. I may not be as pious, as sweet, as outgoing or as agreeable as before.  But I know who I am. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Wife Disease...Do You Too Suffer?

I have a disease that many wives have. I am told that even some single women suffer from this ailment, as well as the occasional man-though it does seem to effect women the most. I will admit it. I have self-diagnosed this condition, and we shall call it cleanusitis. Women (and that minority of men) that suffer from cleanusitis need to have order and cleanliness in their homes.This is not a want. This is not simply saying, "I like a clean house." This is the ailment that has caused women all over the world, even when they are sicker than dogs with whatever biological impediment their little germ carriers (aka children) have brought home, to need to clean the house. There was a time that I was even up all night puking, and I believe I vacuumed and mopped (of course!) the very next morning. I am sick now, as I write this, but I have vacuumed the downstairs, washed all the bedding and put said bed back together, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed all the dead bugs (we are currently having a lady-bug infestation apparently) out of all the windowsills, lugged the vacuum up the stairs and vacuumed them, and windexed the windows. And if you are thinking that I must not really be sick then, I've got news for you. Fever and chills last night, body aches, third day of so sore I can't yawn or swallow throat, and nasal drippage going on here. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have a fantastic doozy of a cold or flu. So, why did I do housework? Because it's this simple: I cannot relax in a messy home. I cannot spend hours reading a book (though the thought is appealing) or watching a movie until I feel like I am not living in squalor.

Now, I'm sure my standards are much higher than some (I've been in a few homes that make mine look princely even on a bad day!), and lower than others (those with chronic cleanusitis). I am a surface cleaner, which means my counters, tabletops, floors and sinks must look clean. The closet or cabinets? They have doors. They close. My bed must be made, the pillows just so on the couch, and even the artwork on the fridge in a neat array. I hate to dust (yeah, yeah it's a surface), so it's Isaiah's chore...hey, my boys know how to help mom clean up. I hate laundry with a passion (can't I just set it and forget it?), but I will do it, and toilets are nasty. Normally Barrett helps with my hated chores. The problem is that no matter how much help you forcefully employ (family), it still only meets my standards when I do it or boss the bejeezus out of my sweet hubby and kiddos. They just don't see the mess, or so I am told. I do. My home is my haven, and in order to rest, I need it clean. Ever seen Monica on Friends? Yeah...I'm not that extreme, but I do have some similar habits. :)

Do you too suffer from cleanusitis? 

Check out: How To Get Your Husband to Help Around the House and 43 Chores Young Children Can Do
Don't believe there's still a gender issue is many homes? Check out: Division of Household Labor

And you thought YOU were frustrated...

I am going to do an angry rant. Maybe it will be therapeutic in a way. I am beyond ticked and frustrated at how incredibly difficult the nursing school application game is. It is a game truly rigged against even the most qualified of candidates. Take me for instance. I was pre-med, then pre-nursing, then a Biology major years ago when I began college (yeah...I changed majors a lot!). Due to this though, I have taken a boat-load of science courses, always doing very well. I also hold a Bachelor's of Science in Psychology with an emphasis in Family Studies, a Master's of Education in Curriculum and Instruction, and an Oregon State Teaching License for grades 3-8 self-contained as well as Highly Qualified for Middle School Science. I also hold ACSI (Christian School...) certification for teaching middle and high school science, health and math, and was the department head of my former employer's science department. Maybe I should have left well enough alone. I knew that when I decided to leave teaching that all these fancy degrees and certifications would mean nothing, or at least close to...but I thought that having a Bachelor's degree at least would help with any general ed. requirements. 

Let's just look at the state of nursing schools in this state (haha). In Oregon the requirements can and do vary by each different community college, university and private school. You literally have to tailor your pre-requisites to one, maybe two schools that have similar requirements. That, or take everything for everywhere. Lane Community College has a "diversity" requirement that I apparently did not meet in my previous degrees (even though I took a Diversity and Ethics in Education course)-hence the reason I have to pay over $300 to take my Sociology of Gender course currently. Oh, and none of my psychology, sociology or religion courses (of which I have plenty!) counted for the social science elective points at Lane either. Why? Well, you see they were 300-500 level courses, and I need a 100-200 level course. In other words, I was penalized for taking an upper-class course! I am also currently re-taking Sociology of Marriage and the Family (though I took a course with this exact name at Corban University), because it wouldn't transfer. The other college I was/am hoping to apply to, Chemeketa Community College, required a computer course (Lane does not), but no diversity course, and is currently "looking into" whether or not I meet the Intro to Psychology course requirement because my transcripts do not show this class. I had to take a deep breath on the phone with the transcript evaluator, and then say very sweetly, "Surely I meet this requirement...I have a DEGREE in Psychology."  I am awaiting a phone call back. REALLY??! If they do not accept it, I will not have a "complete" application  and have to wait another YEAR before applying again, after taking a 100-level psych class!

We are told that there is still much need in the Health Care industry (see Nurses Still Needed), but at least in this state, nothing is standardized. Another local community college? Has a 5 year science expiration. My Microbiology class, which I got a high A in, is 6 1/2 years old. The other two schools have a 7 year expiration, so if I don't get in the first time, I look at re-taking that. I excelled in that course. Surely microbio has not changed that much in the past 7 years! Lane just did away with the giving of extra points to students with a previous degree (Gee...thanks!), and as they revise their program each few years, they also do not release the changes made until a month before the application period! This gives you NO time to take any needed "new" requirements unless you wait another year. Like the fact that advisers say they may give points now for CNA certification. Yay, I thought. I'll have that by the end of January. Well, guess what? The certification process can take up to 6 weeks, during which time the Lane application period will close, and  I won't be able to earn those points on my application...until next year. Can you simply submit the certification a few weeks later? No, I was told they accept no supplemental material. 

What is a girl to do? I am impatient because I have already spent 7+ years in college (heck I could've been well on my way to being a doctor by now), and while I realize the career change was my decision-this game is ridiculous. I review the applications over and over, and while I am in the top 5% for both schools as far as application points...it may not be good enough. Every class has to be paid for out-of-pocket because the government will not give me federal student loans to get a "lesser" degree, as in I already have a M. Ed, so why would I get an Associate's? The only other option that I have given some thought to in the last few days is a newish school in Portland through ITT Tech, called Breckenridge. They are private, up for OSBN (Oregon State Board of Nursing) accreditation, and they don't use point systems. They use a test called the HESI Entrance Exam and take the top 30 scores. I have a friend from OSU that just got in. They are private and spendy, and new, so there is some negative and some positive reports about them. They do classes 2 days a week at first and then 3, meaning you could still potentially work part-time as a CNA or something. Their graduates sit for the NCLEX-RN which is the licensing test, just like all other nursing programs...but they are expensive. About $36,000-40,000 (compared to about $15,000 for a community college) depending on what all I was able to transfer in, and driving almost 2 hours 2-3 days a week one way would be grueling to say the least...but at least it seems somewhat flexible. I worry that it isn't a "top" school. One nursing forum said "they take those who couldn't get in elsewhere", but another said "they are an option for those that will pay more to have their lives on hold less." 

Finally, another huge part of my frustrations is that I know I am a good student, a hard worker, and a fast learner. I know that my chances of applying to an academic type program and getting in like a doctorate in psychology or education would be great. I know of good programs locally for counseling, for example, or school administration, or becoming a professor. I could get federal loans for "advancing" my education. 

But...I just spent over $3,000 taking the anatomy sequence at OSU, and I did well. I quit a good job, and Barrett is providing nicely for us...but it is temporary. What is a girl to do who is over-educated yet under-qualified? 


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Maternity Leave and My Two Cents

The United States is the only first world nation to not provide any paid maternity leave. This has always been interesting to me that our country prides itself on being a front-runner in human rights issues, but the mothers are left out in the cold. The problem is that America is so individualistic, that it is no one else's problem if families have much needed benefits or not. The attitude of If it doesn't effect me, than I don't care pervades our society. Because of the fact that America's maternity policies are so poor, many women go back to work just weeks (sometimes days) after having a baby, and leave their child in someone else's care. There are so many issues with this, but I do not begrudge any woman that chooses this route out of necessity. Women are exhausted, often unable to nurse, and depressed when they do not get the key bonding time with their child. While some (and this is the minority) companies offer benefits, other companies are woefully behind the times here. 

I was lucky enough that I was able to plan out both pregnancies and leave arrangements with my children. I paid for maternity-disability insurance (Aflac and Allstate have policies) on my own for the required time before both pregnancies, and was then able to get close to $3,000 for my 12 week arranged leave without pay from the office I worked in. Not great, but certainly better than nothing! When Matthew was born premature, I was also lucky that my employer had no problem extending my leave to 16 weeks (unpaid), and was able to negotiate coming back part-time for one year, which involved taking out a home equity line of credit. Not everyone can do these things, has flexible  family-oriented employers, or the ability to obtain money for their time off. 

I understand that this issue has two sides. The countries that provide paid leave have higher taxes.  Not everyone chooses to have children (though more might if it didn't effect their careers and financial stability so much...), and companies already pay through the nose for group insurance policies. My solution? The standard 12 weeks that companies usually have to hold a job for anyhow, should be paid through the use of a company paid disability policy. Mine was as little as $19 each month for an individual plan, and I would guess that in a group policy could be even less. Is it a perfect solution? No. But it certainly beats what we have now. Those that choose not to have the policy? That's easy. Pay them more. I also did this for almost 6 years and negotiated higher pay for not utilizing the company benefits, because my husband (ex) had such good insurance. 

Watch the video...it speaks for itself....United States...No Maternity Leave. The visual mapping is fantastic. Even Pakistan beats us. 

And just in case you were wondering, having children, at least here in the US, negatively impacts a woman's career for many years afterward: 



I think it's time for a change.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

PMS...the Double-Edged Sword

The other day in my gender course we had a discussion about PMS. What is it? How common is it? How is PMS used as an excuse, and what connotations can this have?  I'm sure you know, but PMS stands for Pre-menstrual Syndrome, and is basically referring to the time-frame that is about one week before a women menstruates (has her period). This "syndrome" came about in the 1980's, when doctors of the time were looking to describe the physiological and psychological symptoms women have during this week or so. Mind you, there are some interesting medical articles around then that also prescribe to the view that PMS hinders women from getting a good education, taking care of children (!), and having too many responsibilities. It seems that maybe this is some sort of propaganda to make women look weak?  The interesting thing is that before then, no such "syndrome" existed. The symptoms (there is a list of more than 200!) can include some of the following: cramps, irritability, headache, fatigue, and excitability to name a few. Another funny thing is that most symptoms are contradictory of one another. Are you both excitable and fatigued at the same time? We had to read an article about this for class, and in one study done it was discovered (no duh) that men also have times each month where they too may feel some of these same symptoms. Give any group of people a list of that many symptoms, and you are bound to have people "suffering" from them. 

Why does this matter? Well, it is a proven fact that those women who have grown up in homes where hormone fluctuations are used as an excuse for mood swings and outbursts, are more likely to use PMS as an excuse as an adult (again...duh), than women who grew up in homes where PMS was never talked about. In fact, the big kicker here is that women who grew up with less exposure to the term PMS, actually reported experiencing fewer symptoms than those who were taught that women became monsters right before their periods. Many other countries in the world have no such similar syndrome. This begs the question then is PMS a self-fulfilling prophecy? It is important to note that some women do indeed suffer before their cycle begins, but research shows that women with intense symptoms comprise only 3% of the population. Most women report little difference throughout the month with maybe slight discomfort, when asked to track their feelings and physiological complaints throughout an entire month. It seems that there can be periods of fatigue, irritability, nausea and headaches throughout other times of the month as well. Who knew? When men are asked to track these same symptoms, they too report changes throughout the month. I know, one of you is out there reading this thinking but Sarah, you haven't met my teenage daughter! And my response is, no, I haven't, but hormone fluctuations will be common throughout adolescence  and not all are tied to having a period. I would also direct you to watch a teenage boy. Irritability, anxiety, headaches and fatigue are probably also common for him, and he certainly does not have PMS. 

Often PMS is used as an excuse, a caveat if you will, for acting a certain way or saying things that probably should not have been said. Afterward though, it is safe to hide behind the veil of PMS. How many of us are guilty of ever saying, "I'm sorry, I must have been PMSing"? The fact of the matter is that maybe the behavior that caused the outburst needed to be addressed in the first place. Yes, hormones change, and yes, they can account for changes in perception of ourselves and of our bodies, but they are not an excuse. The utilization of excuses makes women appear weak. It is interesting that today women still fight for the right to be taken seriously, yet many (not all) are willing to hide behind the excuse or irrational, illogical actions at least one week of the month. Ladies-it is a double-edged sword. Either you are capable all the time and truly equal in responsibility capacity as the men, or you are a monster part of each and every month...thus making you unstable. Personally, sign me up for the fact that I can hold my own with anyone, of any flavor of gender, and my hormones will not get in the way. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Two-Spirited Tradition

Today I figured I would share what I had to write for my Sociology of Gender class. We watched a film called Two Spirits for class, and it was actually pretty interesting. I have included a link that tells what two-spirits is referring to, and my response for my class.

Two-Spirits

If you are really interested, you can rent the film for like $3 from Amazon, though the quality is not great. I found the premise of the film interesting, and something to think about.


Two Spirits Documentary

The first interesting point to me when watching the film Two Spirits was the cultural history of the Navajo people, and how they initially had had designations for four genders, not two. They recognized the following: feminine woman, masculine woman, feminine man, and masculine man. The people who did not fall into the traditionally “normal” categories of feminine woman or masculine man were not held apart from the others. They were respected and often revered-holding jobs of importance in their community. The Navajo even held non-traditional marriage ceremonies for people of the same sex wanting to marry one another. I liked how one man interviewed in the film said that to the Navajo, homosexuals were not just biological dead-ends, but often helped in shaping the lives of the next generation through teaching, counseling and care-taking roles.  I also found it interesting that because of Western civilization and the ideals of two and only two neatly separated genders, this way of thinking has pervaded the Native American tribes, where in many (though I assume not all) being two-natured is no longer acceptable. 
Another thing that I found poignant was the sharp contrast between the way that Fred’s mom treated him compared with how one of the men being interviewed was treated. Fred’s mother was accepting of the person that Fred was. When he told her that he wanted a purse and some of her make-up, she did not make him feel stupid. When he told her how he felt and wanted to live, Fred’s mother said to him that she loved him no matter whether he looked male or female, and shared with him the tradition of the Nadleehi, or the two-spirited people. They shared a very close relationship. In stark contrast, however, was a man who said that his parents did not like it when he did not act like a “boy” enough, and they would even burn the musical scores that he wrote. I found that appalling, to destroy something their child had created because he was not conforming to what the parents wanted. My husband and I actually had a discussion when I was sharing this film with him about our sons. We both agreed that the quality of the person, not the gender, will matter most to us when our sons are finding someone to share life with.
Finally, another point that hit home with me was also through the interview of a two-spirited female. She describes how people (regardless of their gender or sexual orientation) just want a place to fit in. She said how she hates the word “tolerance”, because she doesn’t just want to be tolerated, but to be accepted. I liked this because I too have always wondered at the word choice. To tolerate someone has the connotation that they are not okay, that they are irritating to us, like tolerating a fly that has buzzed its way into the home. Overall, it was a great film, and interesting to see much influence Western beliefs have, and the hatred that people can possess due to nothing more than insignificant differences in others.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

50 Shades of...Censorship?

I decided to vent tonight about book censorship. I will talk about two different types, censoring what children read, and censoring what adults read. It bugs me. To no end. Let's take kids first. I know that as a parent, it is my job to help "filter" what my children see and hear...to an extent. Let me begin with movies (I know, I said books, but I am building up my case!) While I would not let my 7 year-old watch a movie like Predator, I have let Matthew view a few PG-13 titles. I have sat and watched a handful (the first couple) of Harry Potter movies together, as well as Dr. Doolittle, and he has watched Pirates of the Caribbean with his father (I wasn't incredibly pleased with this decision), and Star Wars with my father. I believe that I know what he can handle versus what Isaiah (who is 4) can handle, versus what I am okay with being in their heads. Narnia used to scare Matthew, until we really talked about the story, and now he loves it. He is intrigued with Harry Potter, and it has actually spawned many discussions between us about good vs. evil (which would be the main premise of the entire book). I think as a parent, gauging your child's maturity is the paramount concern here. Matt is just beginning to read, but I hope that he will read Harry Potter (I could write oodles about why this book is not "bad", and how many other children's tales involve magic...Magic Tree House, anyone? Snow White? The Little Mermaid...most Disney stories FYI), and every book that catches his interest...and after a certain age (I am not sure when yet), I will not be censoring his novel choices, but (hopefully!) being glad that I have helped to create a reader.

 Too often I have seen parents, schools, and churches try to dominate the literary choices of children...and teens. I have seen this go as far as restricting loans at school libraries on the controversial books. Let me just tell you that often there is not a whole lot of controversy going on here. It all depends on what the person in charge of censoring is offended by. I have seen the following books in my few years spent in education all but banned from school libraries and teacher libraries: Grapes of Wrath (it mentions a woman breastfeeding...heaven forbid!), Twilight (okay vampires, schmampires...it's a love story, and guess what? There is NO premarital sex), Brave New World (for some sexual content and futuristic fertilization...very close actually to what happens in in vitro), Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (there is a mention of wanting bigger boobs!), Fahrenheit 451 (Ummm...because it's about censorship?), and The Diary of Anne Frank (banned because...and I kid you not "it was a real downer"!!!). I got a good laugh out of some of the banned books. Here are a few links in case you too would like a laugh, or are curious. 



I say, let your kid read what they want. Graphic novels? Sure. Instructional manuals on cars? Why not? Science fiction, action, romance, fantasy...it's all good. I read Stephen King and Anne Rice in junior high (I have always been a very strong reader). Guess what? I hated Stephen King, but loved Anne Rice. I read Harlequin romance novels, mysteries, fantasy, horror and science fiction (I loved Madeline L'Engle. Look her up if you haven't heard of her). I read John Grisham, Dean Koontz, R.L. Stine, John Steinbeck, Milton,  and Nicholas Sparks. My literary tastes ran the gamut, and I enjoyed young adult and adult fiction, as well as some non-fiction. My tastes still are very eclectic. My parents didn't control what I was reading. We had TONS of books in my home, and if it was a bit mature? Well, that was okay. Either I wouldn't like it anyway, or it would open conversational avenues with my parents. I think that's the key...being aware is important. And if you are truly worried about a book, you read it first, and make some notes of things to talk about with your son or daughter as they get further into the book.

Books open up worlds we could never explore otherwise. 

Now, a quick mention of censorship in the adult world. This is usually done because of religious reasons, but I also have seen it just because people (usually women) don't want to be seen a certain way because they have read a book. I am going to bring up a hot topic here...50 Shades of Grey. I was on the fence about  this book for awhile. I had heard that it was overtly sexual (not a huge deal for me), and that it was anti-feminist propaganda (there is a lot of domination in the book if you haven't read or heard of it). I was going to avoid it. Why? I guess to keep my own mind pure (okay, I can hear you laughing!)-because I wasn't sure I wanted to promote it. My two cents. I found a used copy at the bookstore and was curious. Yes, it has lots of sex, yes it has erotica in the way of domination and submission, and yes...the characters are not married. Again, while I hold to my own beliefs, none of that was shocking for me. I read it in 2 days. I enjoyed it, though not necessarily because of how sensual it was (and I won't ruin it here), but there is an actual story, and quite honestly, a really great one. No wonder the book won an award for best romance, and will be made into a movie (or so I've heard). It isn't for everyone, but that really is not the point here. My point is that I am a grown woman, and I feel that I can censor myself (thank you very much), and that really, there was no harm done to me by reading it...oh, and by the way, everything is consensual anyhow. Personally if this stuff went on in your marriage, behind closed doors, I'd say more power to you (You GO girl! or boy...), and I really don't care. Just Sayin'

And more than anything, I am saying that you control you. You are a grown-up, so if you don't feel you should read it...hold your head up high and don't-it's that simple. You can bash those that do if you really want to. If you want to read it, go for it, even if you have to hide it in your purse (I won't judge), and not tell anyone. :)

. You can decide what side of the coin you are on, but I personally see books (and most movies) as an escape from reality, something that makes us think, and something that is not going to change the morals I already have. This is fantasy people.
And okay...men? If you are out there and reading, got to say I agree with Dr. Oz. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A Conundrum of Sorts...

I have always been a strong believer that having children is something that is not for everyone. Children are time-consuming, expensive, and ever-needing of attention, correction and nurturing. The decision to have children is a very personal one, and the decision to add to a family as well. I respect those that choose not to embark on this endeavor. That being said, I believe that the benefits outweigh the costs. I love my children, and I love knowing that I am (in my own small way) having an impact on the future. That being said, I worry about the state of affairs in the United States when it comes to childcare, maternity benefits, and our educational system. I can't cover all that in one post, so I'll just briefly touch on schools. 

My son stood in front of me yesterday afternoon, seemingly untouchable, moody and flippant-seven going on 15. Where is my sweet little boy? My mind reeled. What am I doing wrong? What can I fix? Back to church, lots of attention, how to help...my stream of consciousness. I like his new school. He does too. But I am hoping that the loss of his sweet innocence is not impending due to the loss of his private school. I fought back tears, hating myself, blaming myself. If I had stayed on as a teacher, his (and Isaiah's) tuition would have been covered. Did I place my career happiness above developing their moral character? Now I finally understand why some parents opt for the third choice when it comes to educating their children. When public school is too worldly, private school is too much...homeschooling seems a great option. I suppressed the urge to call Barrett right then and there with an idea swimming in my head...I'll just do it myself! I thought. But then what? Yes, I am a competent educator. Yes, I could easily home school my sons. What about college? Nursing? What about making a living? Barrett does great for us, but this is a temporary way of life, certainly not the way to go. 

I am with the parents that aren't sure what to do. I have worked at only two schools, one charter and one private...and both had some issues that I would've liked to see fixed. There is part of me that wants to take on this cause and run with it. But I wouldn't even know where to begin. And I'm not entirely sure I would want to. My Master's Thesis was on how boys learn, and how the traditional classroom often sucks the spirit right out of young boys, making them hate school.  I have some great statistics and information that I'll share soon. Somewhere in my head is this school for boys that uses methods proven to work better for their style of learning, that has vocational learning, that capitalizes on the energy and creativity of young men. Alas, it is merely fictional.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Creatures of Comfort

We are all creatures of comfort-some of us to a larger extent than others. I would like to pride myself on the fact that I think I am fairly adventurous and willing to try new things, but let's admit it...I too have a range of comfort. Here are a few confessions of mine, and I hope that you will think about and either challenge or embrace yours:


  • I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday. One egg over-easy with a slice of sourdough toast and a travel mug of coffee (sometimes the flavor of creamer changes! Right now it is Peppermint Mocha). Not only do I not want anything else for breakfast, but I crave this daily! ;)
  • I am a Diet Pepsi feen...have been for years. Though I do limit myself to only 1 each day. Oh, and I hate water. Always have. The only way I want to drink it is with lots of Mio flavoring, and even then I'd rather have coffee, soda or tea (I like tea too).
  • I rediscovered hummus lately (the garlic flavor), and with pita bread, I'd be happy to eat this every meal (well, except breakfast!)-though I then smell garlicky afterward.
  • Sometimes I hate taking a shower (now hear me out...I hate feeling unclean), but sometimes I feel like it its such a huge hassle to go shower, shave, do my hair, pick out a cute outfit and put make-up on that I feel like I need another cup of coffee just to get moving! (Other times I love this!)Mind you-It is rarely done halfway...then I just feel icky about myself. My cop-out  I will skip doing my hair and leave it wet or put it in a pony (now that it's getting long enough) before skipping anything else. 
  • I hate crowds. Oh, I don't get anxiety or anything...I just don't like them. My dream? I'd love to have Powell's City of Books (a whole city block of books in Portland) all to myself or me and the people I like. 
  • I love curling up on the couch and reading, drawing (as of late), or writing. I also like doing this is parks, just leave the interaction with people out of it!
  • I love taking classes. I am comfortable in school and learning. Professional Student would be a perfect career for me...too bad the pay is so poor!
Here's a quick story for you to illustrate comfort levels. We have been talking about gender definitions in one of my classes, and how society has the need to categorize things neatly. I see myself as fairly open-minded about this. It makes no difference to me at all if you like men, women, both or neither...as long as you are a nice person. While I have some of my own beliefs and tendencies myself (mine are heterosexual, lol!), I feel no need to push what I feel onto others, to be rude, condescending or unaccepting. That being said, the girl next to me in this particular class identifies herself as feeling androgynous (neither gender), with some female inclinations such as experimenting with make-up sometimes. Thursday I walk in, and she is exchanging a long kiss (with lots of saliva swapping) with....a man? Woman? I wasn't sure. The person was dressed like a man, and looked like a man, but had a voice and mannerisms that were distinctly (at least in my mind) feminine. It didn't bother me...I could not care less what gender of a person she was making out with prior to class, but it did bother me that I couldn't tell. Has this ever happened to you? I guess I am more aware of it now, but it was like my mind didn't know what to do with this person. Later, she was telling me (it was somewhat on topic) that her "boyfriend" (okay...my mind says) is transgendered...meaning he feels he is a woman in a man's body or should have been a female. Instead of thinking anything else my mind automatically says does that make this girl lesbian? I mean if she's with a man that wants to be a woman....Again, not that I cared one way or the other, but my instructor is  correct in the fact that we have an inherent need to categorize things. It makes us comfortable. 

I guess I am a creature of comfort after-all. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Letter to Me

If I could write you a letter to share what I know now, I'd give it to you (me) when you're 15. I've been giving this some thought on what I would say, and though I know you (we?) are headstrong, this is not arbitrarily done. At first I thought I would tell you to avoid boys (and men especially!), to focus on your studies and to take the scholarship to UOP (yes, you'll be offered one your senior year). Or maybe I'd tell you to reach even further, to apply to even more prestigious schools, to declare premed as your major, and to work your butt off for the next 15 years. I'd tell you that you see, only I wouldn't mean it. Not really. There will come a time when we regret not doing just that, but there have been other choices instead that have lined our path in life. Like a stone thrown into a placid pond, life's choices have quiet but profound ripple effects. Every choice has consequences, and every choice will lead us somewhere new.

We will meet a boy at 16. He's a special one. We will fall in love, though young, and spend our days and later nights together. We (you and I of course!) will have a wedding as if from a fairy tale. Now here's the spoiler- you will not live happily ever after with him. But instead of warning you against him, I am writing to say you should love him anyway. Love without abandon, have fun, and learn together. This man will hold your hand through the birth of two beautiful sons, your college graduation and his police academy graduation. You will not last though, you will grow apart and anger and hurt, resentment and loneliness will replace the carefree laughter of earlier years. When it is time, let it go. It will tear you apart, but you will know it has been coming. This will be ugly and tough. You will lie in bed at night and cry, and take many long, hot showers where the silent tears can be washed away. But you will heal. These times cannot simply be erased or avoided. They are necessary to move you (me) past the person you were and into who you will become.

The children you think you will never want (let's be honest- you can't even fathom ever wanting to be a mother right now) will teach you more about how to love than anyone ever will. They will teach you what it means to be silly again, to stay up all night caring for someone who is sick, and how to be selfless. You will find the truth of who you are in your sons' eyes. Love them unfailingly. Smile often, for the years are fleeting where you are their princess and they your knights in shining armor.

Take the job at the dentist office after moving to Oregon. You will make lifelong friendships. I know it's hard not to just see this as a stepping stone, but enjoy your time here. You will look back and remember a wonderful boss and work environment.

We become a teacher, but we don't stay a teacher. It will be hard, but rewarding-and though it too does not last, do it anyway. You will learn so much about yourself and others during this time. But then, move on. Go back to school and try to become a nurse (believe it or not that's what we are doing now as I write to you.) College will be difficult at times,but also inspiring. It will awaken you more now then when you were younger.

Please be open minded about love after our divorce. Do not write it off. It exists. Do not mourn what you have lost, but use it to strengthen you. There is happiness where you least expected it, and a man that will bring happiness, passion and contentment into your life. Trust this. It has done us so well.

Finally, be kind to all you meet- you never know their struggles. People will hurt you at times, even work hard at ruining your character. It's ok to be angry, but don't let that define you. Define yourself. Define yourself with many titles and adjectives, for we are the sum of all these things, not solely one thing or another. You (we) will be a mom, a wife, a teacher, a student, a writer, an artist, a lover, a friend...and anything else you desire to be. Never let anything come between you and your parents-they are truly some of the best and smartest people you'll ever know. Respect the stories of others, especially those who've been around longer than you.

Love life, and you will find love and happiness in return. So, my biggest advice to you...you will make mistakes, but it is what you do with them that defines you. Be content in the journey, smile, slow down and love yourself. The rest will follow.

Sincerely,
Me

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

And Let it Be Said...My Thoughts on Abortion

I know, I know...this is a very touchy issue, and I am going to tick some people off. Hmm...too bad it's my blog, and that doesn't really bother me. :) For my Sociology of Marriage, Family and Intimate Relations course, we had to visit a website: Facts About Abortion Laws, and write a short response. Here is mine in response to the fact that (Oh, Heavens no!) insurance companies may no longer cover some abortions in some states. First off, I never knew they did. Why was I denied coverage for an IUD that prevents unwanted pregnancies, but women can get coverage for abortions? Really?!! Really?!! An abortion is an elective procedure (most of the time), so that's like being told that if I elect to have a boob job (after all, maybe I just didn't want the ones I was born with), my insurance will pay for it. Awesome. Sign me up for a tummy tuck and some teeth whitening as well. I cannot stop people from getting abortions, we live in a society where choosing life has become well, a choice...but I can rant and say that paying for an abortion? I think not. You want it, you fund it.  This being said, I do think that birth control should be universally available. After-all, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Right? Are you with me here, people?


Here is my response to the website: 
In response to States Are Banning Insurance Coverage of Abortion, Taking Away Benefits Women Currently Have and Jeopardizing Women’s Health, I guess my true bias against abortion comes to the forefront. I do not believe in abortion…unless medically necessary, not even in the cases of rape and incest. A majority of studies show that an abortion after a woman is a victim to such a crime actually impedes her healing process and can make depression, anxiety and even suicide levels higher. It’s like that old adage “two wrongs don’t make a right.” I do not think that insurance coverage should be provided for abortions unless they are medically necessary. Why? I think insurance companies should provide coverage for birth control options to prevent the pregnancies in the first place. The birth control pill (taken correctly-and most women lie about this) and the newest IUDs have almost a 100% success rate at preventing unwanted pregnancies. In my opinion, it is irresponsible and selfish to seek an abortion. I am not saying that a woman should keep a baby she doesn’t want, but there are plenty of couples who do seek to adopt unwanted children. And let’s be honest, rape and incest are a minority, not the majority, of the concern. Furthermore, my IUD was denied insurance coverage a few years ago, and I find it amazing that insurance will pay for an abortion! Again, I see the pattern of pure stupidity at work. Prevention seems to be the best alternative.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Cocooning

First off, my apologies to my readers that I have not written in a few days. The trip to Camarillo (California) was a good one. Though way too quick, we got to see Barrett's grandparents and family friends (we call them cousins:)). We had a good time, and I was able to really connect with the two people that mean the world to my husband. His grandparents are amazing. I have taken a particular liking to his grandfather, who is intelligent, quiet, and creative. Jim does pottery, draws and paints. We have a handful of his paintings in our home, and they are beautiful. Awhile back I had expressed to Barrett that someday I'd love to take an art class, or two or three and try my hand at drawing and painting. You see, I think like an artist- I see the lines, the shades, contrasts and textures, but before when I have tried, I have failed miserably. Barrett mentioned this to Jim of course, and how excited he was to potentially have someone he can pass his interest on to. Jim showed me through all his art books and supplies, insisting that I take a handful home. He told me you start with drawing in pencil, and do it as often as you can, but "don't let it get in the way of your studies," he admonished a handful of times. He told me that like anything else, you practice, and you can get better. The best piece of advice he had for me though was to draw what I am interested in, not to feel like I had to master everything. I told him trees, leaves and nature in general. He sent me away with 5 books, 2 sketch pads, and a set of charcoal pencils. Yesterday in my quiet time, I drew. I drew a tree and a small building in the park, a flower and a maple leaf. And you know what? While it wasn't perfect-it was decent. You can look at the drawings and know what they are! So, that's a start. :) Jim also talked to me about literature, and he's been starting a collection of beautifully bound classics for our family. He told me he knows the boys are way too young to read them themselves right now, but he hopes we can have family reading nights where Barrett and I take turns reading pages of the books to the boys. I loved the idea and was so touched. What an awesome thing to do instead of watching tv! It's also a great way to have discussions and introduce the boys to vocabulary they may not have ever heard. The time in California was fleeting but precious, and the way back was actually really nice too.

14 hours in the car with my husband, and not only did I not hate it, but I actually enjoyed it. Much to sweet Barrett's chagrin I had purchased two books for couples called 101 Questions for Couples and 101 More Questions for Couples. Barrett was afraid the questions would be things we may fight over, or even that I'd discover something about him I didn't like. Neither was the case. The questions were great and spawned hours upon hours of conversation, leading only to a deeper love and respect for my partner in life.

I am feeling quiet, perhaps the reason for less blogging. I call this "cocooning" in my head, anyway. Life is full of peaks and valleys, and my personality is as well. Sometimes I withdraw, but I am not unhappy. This is the part of me content to spend a whole day reading, writing (or maybe drawing?), to observe the world around me with little interaction, and to think deeply about anything and everything. Sometimes the cocoon lasts only a day, and sometimes for months on end, but it is refreshing and recharging, and necessary, at least for me. I hope your days are going well. I'll be back soon.