Safeguard Your Heart

Isn't it funny how the closer we get to God, the harder it becomes to deal with everyday life? Have you ever felt that icky, stomach-churning, burning in the pit of your stomach type feeling over something that you just KNEW was not okay? I am going to share something with you that is rather personal. Identifying details are (of course) left out, but I think you can get the message just the same. 

Something happened when I was a pre-teen girl that contributed to me having a very unhealthy outlook on sexuality for the next decade or so in all honesty.  I am not proud to say this, but purity and modesty were not characteristics that I held in high esteem. Back in the day I had many boyfriends before I married, I flirted shamelessly, and I toyed with young boys the same way that you see playboys in stories and movies do with girls. I am not sure how much heartache I caused, but I do know of one that was pretty bad. Isn't it refreshing that we get to decide who we will be? This is not me today at all, in fact that girl is LONG gone. She has grown-up, has responsibilities, and self-esteem and integrity like never before. 

Social media outlets (such as Facebook)  can invite things into our lives that we would rather keep away. It seems no one is shy in an instant message! I know that in my previous marriage trouble was caused because of ex-girlfriends of his or ex-boyfriends of mine. We instituted a "no exes rule". The tough thing about that was that there truly were some nice people I dated once upon a time (and was never that serious with), that wanted nothing more than to check-in, say hello and show off happy, smiling pictures of their children. I like Facebook for that reason. I enjoy the fact that I can see the children of old friends, their vacations, their spouses, and get to feel genuinely happy for how well their lives are going. I too, had a few issues with "chatting" in the past, where an ex (or random guy you went to high school with!), would cross a line and get kind of flirtatious. I used to even think, what's the big deal, we live in different states? It's all innocent fun and games, right? Right?

WRONG. When you get that icky feeling I described earlier, it is because God Himself is convicting you about something you are doing that is not right. Some people would say that it is your conscience speaking, like old Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio. If that "innocent" flirting is something you would freely tell your best friend or spouse about, then maybe it is innocent...but if not, if you would seek to hide it-then face it: it isn't innocent at all. 

I climbed on Facebook this morning and my laptop dinged at me. I had an message. I looked, and it was a message from a man  I dated way back in high school a few times. It seemed very friendly. Happy looks good on you-it read. Wow! What a nice compliment. I AM happy, and have been teased by a few people that my real smile makes an appearance a lot more often. So I typed back a quick thank you. That was followed by him asking about how I was, my marriage, my family. Friendly enough, so I thought nothing of it being wrong. We were never serious, in fact never really even an item, so I thought this was just catching up. I'd chat for a few minutes then go start Isaiah's morning lesson. But then the tide changed. There were a few simple flirty messages that I tried to diffuse (you see the problem with reading a conversation, is that you never really know the tone as well as you would in person or even over the phone). I changed the subject and asked about his family, his wife, etc. Ah, I see...you MUST be happy...avoiding flirting with me? I read. Icky. Uncomfortably icky, I thought, because now I knew he was purposely (and shamelessly I might add) flirting with me, AND he brought attention to the fact that I was not responding as he'd hoped. I said I needed to go be with my son, and glad he was doing well, you know all the happy (but I'm getting rid of you) send-off type things. Then he typed something that made my cheeks flare, and my gut clench...something I will NOT repeat, but will tell you that no-one, other than my husband, EVER has the right to talk to me that way. It was overly salacious and sexual. EWWW!!!! I closed the lap-top shut and told Barrett right away. 

I felt so dirty I needed to shower. Mind you, I have never been someone that blushes easily at language. I am no shy violet, but this made me feel vulnerable and violated. Then I was mad! How dare he? I am quite obviously a very happily married woman! I am no silly teen (nor do I have ANY desire to be remembered the way I was then), and I am no seductress or vixen looking for a "good time"!  Needless to say, this person has no access to me anymore, and some of my privacy settings in various places look a bit different. Did I overreact? I don't think so. I know I haven't (nor will I) said what he typed...but you can use your imagination and make it as lewd as possible, followed by and if you don't respond, I will just try harder. Was that supposed to be sexy? So totally misplaced, and almost threatening if you ask me. I feel sorry for the wives out there that have men like this at home. I feel angry that something I naively thought was nice lead to such awkwardness. I am grateful I have a place to vent, and grateful that my reaction was what it was, instead of me thinking this person was charming. 

The Bible tells us "More than all else that is to be guarded, safeguard your heart, for out of it are the sources of life," Proverbs 4:23

Are you safeguarding your heart, your integrity, your relationships? I urge you to cut out anything that is effecting this right now. And remember, that just because you USED to be someone or act a certain way, does not mean that anyone gets to treat you that way NOW.