And the Curtain Closes.

At the end of a play there is this wonderful moment when the curtain closes after the performance. As exhilarating as being on stage in character can be, there is such release when it is complete. This is the time to break character, smile, laugh, hug your fellow actor/actress next to you, and rejoice in a job well done. This is the time to let go of any slip-ups you may have made during the evening, knowing that in the end, they don't really matter. I acted in high school. Oh, just in the school plays, but I loved every second of it. I loved the memorization, the long rehearsals, the "getting into character", the being up on stage, but one of the things I remember most is the experience shared with others when the curtain falls at the end. It is bittersweet, a time when people move on and will never be in the exact same grouping again, like the last ever play I acted in, The Crucible.  Many of my greatest high school memories were spent on the stage, on the set, and in the dressing room...but as usual, I digress. Sometimes life in its bigger moments reflects the smaller ones we have had, and we are left making a connection of sorts. 

Everyone is familiar with the saying "When one door closes, another opens." What some people are not aware of is the rest of the saying, "but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us," (Alexander Graham Bell). It would be a lie to say that I have not been in a complete funk lately. I have applied to teaching jobs all over the place in what is an incredibly flooded market (Can we say over 1,000 applicants in some districts for 1 job!). I have hoped for jobs that if I am honest with myself I don't even really want-like the job at the "place where unicorns go to frolic" which is in many ways too good to be true, in the fact that I myself do not feel like I am a good fit (and will be surprised if it is offered to me....and then I have to decide what to say). The program I thought was wonderful WAS too good to be true, and was misrepresented in what to make a long story short basically means that I was not even in the program I wanted to be in, and was lead to believe I was in. Looking at schools all over the place, at college programs anywhere within an hour, can be a frustrating endeavor-Especially when every door seems to slam shut. There have been SO many doors shut that I was at a complete loss yesterday, crying in Barrett's arms. 

And then I talked to my hairdresser today. It was so nice to be 100% honest with someone that my decisions have no impact on. I mean, she doesn't care which route I do or don't pursue as long as I am happy and my family is well. I was telling her my story, and she laughed, and said, "You know Sarah, I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe you are needed at home next year, and God is shutting every door that would pull you away." I laughed to myself as I recalled the prayer that I have prayed daily the past few months, "God, I just want to do what is best, not what is best financially or best for me, but what it is YOU think I would be best at. Please show me a sign, and slam shut any doors that I shouldn't go down right now and open those that are where you want me." I kid you not. Why does it take talking to someone else who is not in my daily loop to see the situation for what it is? God is probably really annoyed with me, for all the doors I have tried to open, and He keeps having to close them. Do you think He thinks of us as naughty toddlers ever? I said, don't touch. Leave things alone. Talking to Kellie gave me peace today. Perhaps the reason I cannot get into any graduate programs now until Fall 2014, and have not been offered a teaching position, is because I am needed here. Barrett's grandparents move up in August. Isaiah begins kindergarten in September. While I can indeed suck it up and sub when we need extra money, maybe I am not meant to be committed to a full-time course of anything next year. Maybe this is when this particular curtain closes. Maybe it is time to be relieved, to laugh, to sigh, and to hug those around me. Perhaps this is when I forge relationships with others, and discover who and what I am meant to be. I know that I have been all over the place emotionally, and it helped to read my own thoughts on this from a few months ago Why I Choose to Stay Home.

I know I will enter the full-time workforce again someday soon, perhaps in 2014! It is in my nature. But at this point I am not sure if I will be teaching or returning to school. I have lots of research to do, and the time to do it in. A new option has presented itself, though not this year, and that is me adding a special education license to my teaching repertoire, and perhaps pursuing a career in that niche. Something that I never felt interested to do in the past keeps niggling in the back of my mind. Perhaps I will indeed pursue counseling, but likely not for schools, but for couples and families. Again, I am not sure yet. I whined to Barrett yesterday that I needed to know RIGHT NOW, as I am not getting any younger! I even whined that I have crinkles around my eyes when I smile, and am too old to not have a plan. Today I was reminded that while I may not have a plan, God does. And truly, truly, what does it matter if I pursue a goal at 32 instead of 31, or even at 40, 50, or 80? We are here to live and to love, and often, that does not happen right on schedule.