My Forehead Has Wrinkles...and other ponderances about life

"The next time I get my hair done, I think I should get bangs." Barrett is driving us to stalk the school I secretly want to work at (and no I won't tell yet, but it is one I just applied to-though I will gladly take a job at Matt's school if they ever decide to get back to all the candidates...the interviewing has been extended even longer I heard from a little birdie, so I am not out of the running yet!). Barrett turns to look at me, "You mean cut the bangs that you just finished growing out?"  I smile at him, expecting him to know how women think-after all, any woman would understand this conversation fully. "My forehead wrinkles are causing too much self-loathing," I state, pointing at my forehead. "What?? I don't even notice your forehead unless you point at it like that."  A few minutes go on in silence as we drive. "I hate my voice, especially when I hear it on the phone. When I'm talking about computers, I sound like one of those nerdy guys, I mean really nerdy guys that I can't stand," Barrett muses. "I love your voice," I say. And then I burst out laughing. My mom, who looks GREAT to even be old enough to be my mom, has always had a thing with arms, never wanting to wear sleeveless shirts or dresses because of her "fat arms" (love you, Mom!). Not once, ever, have I thought that her arms didn't look good enough to be out and about, and the last time she mentioned arms, I told her (exasperated, mind you), that she looked WAY better than most the women out there who had no qualms about baring their arms. We really are the hardest on ourselves, aren't we? As I was taking off my make-up tonight I called upstairs to Barrett, "Honey, I am getting some wrinkles!" And he called down, "yeah? So am I." 

Wrinkles never looked so good!

It isn't just women, though we may have the market on this, but people in general have these hang-ups that other people don't even see when they look at them. We try so hard to be perfect, don't we? I know I do. I know that we all have our things, so I will tell on myself. I never leave without make-up on, though I will go make-up free completely in front of Barrett and my boys (I guess that right there tells you it is a vulnerability thing). I never lack fingernail or toenail polish (though sometimes I do clear on my fingernails). I lotion up my skin everyday, but I don't always brush my teeth or remove my eye-makeup before bed (though I am trying to do better, and even to floss more!). I hate exercise, but I need to do it, because apparently my body insists on betraying me and aging, and my metabolism slowing.  Oh, and I love food, especially the bad stuff like cinnamon rolls, Chinese food, and bacon, and cheese. But I digress. 

Last week I was so down. I was expecting to hear about the job, and heard nothing. Other than running the boys around, I hardly moved off the couch. I finished two books and watched five movies, oh, and made cookies. Yeah. There was a whole lot of negative self talk going on there. I didn't do a single thing to clean my house until the 4th day of this. You want to lower your self-esteem? Go through the self-selling involved with job hunting, knowing that you brought it on yourself. Try to accurately convey just enough confidence mixed with humility to be likable, yet hire-able in an interview. Fun stuff. Then, Friday came, and I just kind of snapped out of it. No, there is no job, but I have the semblance of a plan. I started out saying this was in God's hands, and it is. No lack of patience on my part makes that any less true. I know that I can be a great teacher, and no-one can take that away, even if they don't hire me. I know there are plans for me, and they are great plans dang it. Whether I am a teacher, a counselor, or a Licensed Kitten Masseuse (I made that one up), God has plans for me. The negative self talk gets me nowhere, and I am meant to go somewhere.

Tonight was one of those enlightening moments when things seem crystal clear. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Isn't it the nature of humanity to covet what we don't have, and to condemn what we do? I don't think it should be. My forehead has wrinkles. You know why? Because I express myself with a lot of fervor and passion, which means my eyebrows are rarely anchored in one spot! I used to think I wanted a perfect, manicured lawn and flower garden.
But you know what? Those take a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of worry. One weed can ruin the entire facade of perfection. Tonight as I watered a tree B and I planted, I noticed the grasses and daisies growing up around it, swaying in the cool twilight air. They looked wild and free, beautiful, and exactly as they should be. As we grow, we change. I know I have. Tonight I discovered that I would rather be a patch of wildflowers than a manicured garden, I don't know about you.  Tonight I decided that I like me, a lot actually, and wherever I end up, bangs or no bangs, I will be just fine.