This is me- Signing Off

I began this blog almost a year ago, last summer when I was up at Oregon State University taking the anatomy sequence. As of today, I have had 7, 584 reads, and for something that I began as really a journal for myself that others could follow, I am amazed by that number! It is time for Cadavers and Coffee to sign off though. I am honestly not sure if this will just be a few month hiatus until fall, or if I will no longer be blogging for quite some time. You can let me know if you would enjoy reading further, and I will keep that in mind. :)

This began sort of as a chronicle of my personal journey, and though the journey is indeed continuing, I am not sure it will be on this blog. I will let you know. :) One reason that the blog needs an absence is the fact that I will also be taking a few month (or more) period of no Facebook (as of the end of this week)-which is the main way I "advertise" my posts. The reason for my internet absence is that I really need to work on a few personal things, such as caring less about myself (and how many people read a post or "like" a picture-does anyone else get hung up in this at times??), and focus more on others. Sometimes the online world can become an obsession, and can hinder the time we have with the flesh and blood people right in front of us. I cringe to think of how many moments with my children I may have missed while I "just got online for a minute". While I know that I need my outlets too, it is perhaps time to explore others. 



I will still be working on my book-though it is proving to take longer than I thought it would (I do have 7 chapters down though!), but it may need a brief hiatus too. I need time with my family, and grandparents who will be here in August. I need time to exercise, to draw, to bake, to read, and to live.  There are some bigger things coming for me. Reading my first few blog posts, in some ways I have come full circle. You, my readers, have shared with me as I searched myself to know my calling.You have read my fears, my doubts, and my triumphs.  I have no doubt annoyed some of you with my indecisiveness. You will be happy to know that I am done with that.  

Have you ever felt really passionate about something? The only way I can hope to describe this feeling is by comparing it to that of patriotism. Bear with me. Do you ever sing the Star-Spangled Banner, see a story on the internet about a soldier and what he has waiting at home, or ever feel moved by something good that our country has done? If you have, you may identify with that choked up, verge of tears feeling you get as your heart swells with pride, compassion, and communion with others. For the longest time I have been in awe of medicine. The white coats, sterile hospitals, ironed scrubs, and the stories of doctors, nurses and EMTs move me in a way that is only comparable to my patriotic example. 

Sometimes the path is winding.

When I began my journey, I was goal-oriented. I knew all the details, and the steps of my proposed path. That's not in and of itself a bad thing, but I was losing sight of things. I was dismayed by how long it all could take, and the goal that seemed so far away. I was irritated and perhaps a bit egotistical that a girl with a Master's degree had to still start at step one! I was also terrified. While school has always come easy for me, Anatomy was difficult (though I did get 4 A's and 2 B's in the accelerated version!), and I felt because I had to work at it-maybe I was not cut out for it. (Yeah...I know). I also worried about my lack of gracefulness, my ability to do physical tasks without stumbling, fumbling, and tripping over myself. Nothing about the actual job scared me, grossed me out, or made me worry. It was my lack of confidence in me. My scrubs still hang front and center in my closet. I have not gotten rid of them. They taunt me with the thing that I want, but am afraid of. I am afraid of the things that I will have to work at, I am afraid of the future that may be full of back-breaking work, long hours, and undesirable shifts. But I simply cannot envision myself anywhere else. I was afraid shift work could ruin my family. BUT I have had a few realizations: My family (especially my Barrett) supports me 100%, and will be there no matter what. Sometimes we have to work really hard for what we want. Practice will allow my uncertainty to become assurance over time. Mainly though, the goal is to serve and help others. The goal is not the letters after my name, the CNA, LPN, or RN. The goal is not an end. The goal is simply being in that environment, with patients, learning, and living. It took me this long to realize that even if I am a CNA for years before getting into another program, that is okay.

They're just letters.

So...on the day that I was invited to interview for a program to become a counselor, I instead write to you. I could not shake it, no matter how hard I tried. I could not forget my desire, the knowledge I have already gained, and that I have which to acquire. It laid dormant for awhile, but was always there, sleeping...waiting for the right moment, waiting I guess on my own growth and maturity.  Instead today I begin again, gathering information, applying to a CNA program. This time I will finish. This time my fears will not get in the way, but my passion will lead me down my path. There may be many things that I could do, and perhaps even be happy with, but even without the letters by my name yet, I am a nurse. This is me, and I can do this. My heart is there for the right reasons as never before. In the last year I have gained a few invaluable things: time with my Isaiah at home, time to volunteer, time to realize that fear is not allowed to get in my way,  and time to get to know the woman I am, and can be. And you know what? I like her. 

This is me, signing off. 
-Sarah

There Are No Accidents

One of my favorite quotes ever (and that's saying a lot, because I adore quotes!) came from a sermon at our local church. We are not the best regular attenders, but on one day we went there was a guest speaker. I have blogged about it before at There is No Chance. The quote is "God is personally weaving every circumstance in your life...there is no chance, no happenstance-you are being funneled to be exactly where you are supposed to be."  This came to me today after I accidentally bought Isaiah the wrong size underwear at the store. Huh? There's a story behind this. A few days ago I met a woman at the pregnancy center who was speaking to another worker there about how she needed clothing for her son, but since we have only up to size 2T in the center, she wasn't having any luck. I interrupted. "What size clothing do you need?" She went on to tell me she needed sizes 3T and 4T boy's clothing, and really was in need of shoes and underwear as well. I told her to come see me again next week and that I would have some things for her. Isaiah just grew out of these sizes not that long ago, and I am not having any more, so I figured she was welcome to it. I have a nice bag of things, including shoes for her, but no undies, so when I was at Wal-Mart, I thought I would just buy Zay some new ones, and hand down his old ones. This must have been heavy on my mind. I knew I kept thinking the other day that every kid deserves new underwear. I get home and unpack from the store and realize that I bought the wrong size! 4T must have been so on my mind that I bought that size, not 5 or 6 like Isaiah would need. Then it dawned on me. Duh! There are no accidents. I happily stuffed the new pack of 5 undies into the bag of clothes with a note that said, "I know I just met you, but I have had rough times too. I hope this helps a bit. Seems your son is right behind mine in sizes. I go through his stuff every few months. Call or text me to check in, and I'll see what we have." I hope her son smiles to see his new stuff, but more than that, I feel lucky-like I was in the right place at the right time. I am thankful for that.

I am also thinking of another quote today that has lived in magnet form on my fridge for a long time. It is from my mom. "There is no set path, just follow your heart." This was a hard one for me. To be perfectly honest there are times I hated this saying, because I wanted a plan, a path to be on. I have been learning though that we never know what we will be brought to and through when we keep our options open. I have no plan for the fall as of yet. I still don't know if I am into a counseling program this year or will have to wait until fall 2014 (I interview Monday!), and I have no idea if I am going to be working or not. I know that I have had very mixed feelings about this, but I have realized that I wasn't supposed to be teaching, since it is a 40+hour a week profession, however that does not mean that I cannot take a part-time job (or maybe full-time even if the hours are just right). One benefit of not needing to find work is the option of being picky. I am not looking for a high paying job, and I am not looking for just anything part-time. It has to be helping people. It has to not effect my family (other than helping a bit monetarily). The big thing-it has to be a job that I feel has tons of value (I know every job does! BUT it has to line up with my personal values). So, this had lead me to apply to four jobs, and I may apply to a fifth. They are: Social Services Worker for Child Protective Services (DHS), Court Appointed Victim's Advocate, secretary at Looking Glass (a counseling place for troubled teens), and a secretary at Emeritus Senior Living. The two secretarial jobs fit because A) I have experience, and B) both are places I could potentially work, as well as are two of my passions (teens and the elderly). Finally, I have thought about applying to be a caregiver if none of those work out (wishing I'd finished my CNA right about now), because though I am not going into nursing, the work is right up my alley. It is gritty and tough at times, yes, but also very needed. These things would all be following my heart.