Our "Summer To Do List"

Last year we made a list of activities we wanted to do over the summer months and hung it on the fridge. We did everything except going to the zoo, but have since decided that is a fall thing because the animals are less lazy then (as are the people walking around!). I just finished making our list for this summer (yes, I know it is the end of June, but living in Oregon, true summer is just starting! And I have until September until the kids return to school).

I figured I would share our list in case anyone else is in need of family fun ideas. A lot of these would make great date ideas as well! I have seen some super fancy ways to display such "bucket lists" on Pinterest, but ours just goes on colored paper, and each item on a small sticky note-then we pull them off as we accomplish them. Some things we will inevitably do more than once because they are things that are cheap, easy, and close to home, while others take more planning. Other activities are very easy to combine, such as kite flying and day at the beach. This list has some things specific to our area here in the Willamette Valley, but I encourage you to find things close to you and make your own list! It's fun. I even go as far as penciling in the ideas in my planner for weekends we have the kiddos, because otherwise we end up wondering where the weekends have gone! One entire week the boys go to soccer camp, which is not overnight, but they are wiped OUT each day, and two whole weeks they go to their dad's, so we make sure we can fit our activities in. The list was made gathering input from all my boys over the last week or so, and then researching some other cool stuff to do around here.

Here it is:

Summer To Do List

• Aquarium and day at the beach
• Camping
• Watch Perseid meteor shower
• Tillamook Cheese Factory
• Read! Alone, together, outside, out-loud! (My kids earn incentives for time reading (Matt) and knowledge of letters and sounds (Zay)).
• Bowling
• Kite flying
• Planetarium (we have a smallish one in Eugene and a big one in Portland)
• Go on a carnival ride (or 3!)
• Sleep under the stars
• Tour a lighthouse (Heceta Head)
• Watch fireworks
• Family bike ride
• Linn County Fair
• Swim in a lake
• Oregon Garden
• Browse Yard Sales
• Bonfire
• Drive in Movie
• Chuck E. Cheese just for fun, no birthday parties!
• Picnic in a Park
• Swim in Calapooia River (it's like 10 minutes away!)
  

I also made a list of a few fun things (for days that 5:30 -when my other half comes home- cannot come soon enough!)

• Photo shoot of my boys outside
• water balloon fights and games
• 4th of July Crafts
• Tie-dye t-shirts
• sock bubbles
• fluffy stuff summer snowball fight (it is cornstarch and shaving cream molded into snowballs)
• rock collecting and/or skipping rocks at the river
• swimming
• coloring pages
• make oobleck
• garden/weed flowers (my boys actually like weeding!)
• I also have some other science type experiments, but that'd take another blog post to organize! 

What do you do for fun each summer? I'd love to hear about it.

Happy Summer!

Putting Down the Bell for Good

In our office at home, there upon the desk is my teacher's bell. It was with me during my four short years in the classroom. It is a reminder that I was, and in some ways, will always be a teacher. It is a reminder of students that touched my heart. I had a high school student (a few actually) that would put scotch tape on my bell on the underneath so that when I went to ring it, it would not ring. Those were good times. I will miss teaching, but I am putting down the bell for good. It is relegated to do its part now as a symbol of where I have been, but there are other places I have yet to be. 

I had been waiting to hear about one final job I had interviewed for and one other district I had applied (but not gotten an interview for yet). Last week I received a letter in the mail saying I was not chosen to interview, and just yesterday I received an email about my previous interview for a school that the position for a part-time science teacher had been filled. A month ago, I would have cried, but on Friday I actually chuckled, and said "okay, God, you've got me." When I got the bright idea way back in April that I would apply for teaching positions, Barrett and I had decided that I would do so on three conditions: 1) that I would only apply to jobs I thought I would want (like not an hour commute away), that if I was not offered a teaching job I would pursue counseling as a career, and 3) that I would trust in the plan that God has for me. Part of my reasoning (admittedly) was that it seemed an easy out (or way back in?). This was what I had gone to school for, and it meant not going anymore. But education is never a waste. I will always use what I learned, with my family, with my friends, and in every endeavor I come across. 

This past year has been a long and bumpy ride. I left a solid job to become a nurse, felt in my heart it was the wrong decision (never leaving where I was, but nursing), and spent the next 6 months being a stay-home mom to Isaiah (and Matt when he was home!), doing a small bit of subbing, and doing a large bit of soul-searching. I have discovered so much about myself, and my time has been full of tears of frustration, laughter with my family, and hope for a new beginning. In more than one way, I have been given the gift of a second chance. Yes, there have been days that I have felt hopeless, days where I felt I didn't have a place, but there have also been other days, more days that I feel alive, strong, and ready to take on the world. 

I am volunteering at a pregnancy center as well as mentoring a young, pregnant girl that I have taken a liking to. I am writing a book about my own struggles through divorce. Our house plans are finally taking shape, and could begin in the next month or so. Barrett's grandparents are joining us at the end of August. Isaiah will begin kindergarten in the fall. I had plans to go to school this fall, and they fell through, but I am awaiting one more call and interview for a graduate program in clinical mental health counseling that still has a handful of openings to begin in September.  I am very hopeful. I feel I now know my purpose, but I also know that God has his own timing. I have experienced it again and again in my own life. It was not through my own timing that my Matthew would be delivered just in time to save his life, not through my timing that I would spend 12 years in a relationship that ultimately failed, and not my timing that I would meet the man of my dreams just days before my divorce was final. I feel calm, happy, and satisfied. So, whether I am meant to go to school in the fall or not, I will know soon enough, but I learned something. I may have finally learned patience. 

How to Stay Motivated

Those of you that know me know that exercising ranks about as high on my enjoy-ability list as going to the dentist (for those of you that like both...how did those genes skip me??). So, let me tell it like it is, the bare naked truth. I hate exercising. I hate feeling out of breath, I hate when all the heat rushes to my face, and I really, really, really despise sweating. I feel SO gross when I am exercising, and I am only comfortable doing this around my kids and my husband, and maybe my mom and dad. Who else in the world do I want to see me huffing, puffing, and dripping? I mean...really. That being said, you have read about my chagrin at gaining weight after my divorce and then marriage to my sweet husband. I can't even blame my sons, because I was back to pre-baby weight after each of them within a year (and my youngest is 5).

I jogged/speed walked my amazing (don't laugh!) two miles today. It sucked. I was in my PJs (t-shirt and panties) with tennis shoes to begin, and then partway through decided that yes, indeed-I do need pants, otherwise it is just not comfortable. Note to self-I also need a bra and hair-tie that doesn't fall out next time too. But hey, no judging. I sweated my way through 36 minutes (again, NO laughing) to my awesome workout mix (thanks to my hubby for helping with that). Good music helps. I have everything from angry rock ("Broken"-Seether featuring Amy Lee), upbeat dance/pop (Taio Cruz, Brittney Spears, LMFAO) and 80's (Billy Idol) on there. Halfway through I texted Barrett: "Need Motivation. I HATE this." He replied, "You are sexy, I love you. You can do this." That helped a bit-my husband is the best. When I reached my goal, I hit the STOP button on the treadmill, dripping sweat and plopped down into my son's beanbag chair in front of a box fan I had turned on. Yep. Sexy in the making.

Right???

I am about 15 pounds heavier than a top "ideal" weight for my frame calculated from BMI, and really could lose 30 pounds and still be healthy...but let's be realistic. I am not 18 anymore, when I weighed like 98 pounds (yeah), and I am not even 28 anymore (after I had Isaiah). I would be VERY pleased with 10-15 pounds. This takes time, and dedication, and motivation...which up until about 2 weeks ago had been sorely lacking. It's not like I was steadily gaining weight, it was just hovering. Until I realized that's what I thought two years and 20 pounds (or more) ago, and that I am not okay with gaining 10 pounds each year. At all. It's not like I am getting any taller. For those of you that have told me I look fine, or look great, I do thank you, but this is not me. The kicker for me was going shopping for an interview and having to buy a size larger than I normally (the past few years) wear for nicer clothes. I bought it, though I vowed that I would not be resigned to being that size. What is it with us women anyhow? The number on a piece of clothing or on a scale can send us spiraling into self-worth issues, and a tub of ice cream.

Haha! This is So me!!! :) 

I don't like talking about diets or exercise, or what people do or don't deprive themselves of, so though I know I have blogged about this a handful of times, it is not a favorite topic of mine. I've never been in good shape, not even when I was skinny. I had no endurance, strength or fitness. I don't necessarily desire things like being a marathon runner, having great arms, or even being able to walk miles upon miles. I just want to be healthier, and with that to hopefully lose some weight. Over time. As I make this a routine. I cannot completely cut things out or count points or calories-it literally makes me an angry, angry person.

I found something that is working for me now. So far, I have not lost any weight, but I feel healthier and better, so I know it is something. I had to find a way to motivate myself, so I printed a blank calendar template (one for me and one for B too), and for each day we meet our exercise goal we get a bingo dot on it. We set goals, a minimum amount and a reward. Might sound silly, but we HAD to do something. Here are  our tools. Feel free to copy. We will make ours tougher as we go, but right now we recognize that building the habit is the MOST important thing to us, and so we had to make things not too hard so that we would give up right away. Sadly, this IS a great workout for us both right now, though it may not seem like much to some.

• Goal: The goal is met with 35 minutes or 2 miles of walking/jogging intervals, whichever comes first. We have to get 20 days of exercise a month (which is 5 a week) to "cash in" on rewards.
• Workouts are $2 per day. I can earn a minimum of $40 a month by working out, or a maximum of $62 (for a month with 31 days). 
• We are paying ourselves to get healthy. 
• We use runkeeper (http://runkeeper.com/home) to track activity, and we report it to one another for accountability.
• We may weigh in once weekly, but are looking for NSV (non-scale victories), and though I haven't lost yet, I can jog longer and feel better, so that's a plus!

It's only just been 2 weeks. What do you do? What changes have you made? I am consulting with a friend who is a trainer of sorts for additional tips that can be realistically applied to my lifestyle. 

For those interested...do you Tweet?

I am now on Twitter @sarahbrice11. I am brand new. If you tweet, please follow me and I will you. No idea who all I know is on there, and I am learning the ropes. Thanks!

https://twitter.com/sarahbrice11
-Sarah

How to Love an Idealist

I am an idealist in every sense of the word. I see things in my head so clear and true the way that I think they should be. Before every major (and often minor) event in my life, I have an entire outline in my head of what should happen. I know the conversations that should take place, the actions that need to occur, and everything that happens later if things go as they should. Often, my idealism gets in the way of reality a bit. Sometimes it makes me naive to the goings on in the world. Some things are too awful for me to wrap my

head around that they actually exist, or too simple a fix in my mind that I can't clearly see the problem for what it is. Sometimes I may even come across as insensitive to a cause when I am actually anything but, because of the aforementioned issues.

At times, my predisposition for seeing the best in situations has come back to bite me, hard. I have been told that often things and people don't live up to my expectations because my expectations are so incredibly high. Then I am disappointed beyond belief because what I thought should happen, how I thought things should go, didn't come anywhere near. This doesn't always make me optimistic, but it does make me believe that everything always works itself out. Sometimes I am so angry with the world, or so disappointed. Sometimes I am bored with it. I don't say that to sound stuck-up, just real. Does anyone else have this problem?

I was thinking that sometimes I am hard to love because my head is so often in the clouds...or really, truth be told, I am living within my own head. My head is a wondrous place to be. I would invite everyone there if I could! If you have been reading me for awhile, you know that I am hugely interested in things like personality type and introversion versus extroversion. While I don't think that anything defines us 100%, I think that these "typing" tests can give you (and others) a great idea about why you are the way you are. Read 52% Introvert, How About You? It has links to 3 great FREE tests. Anyhow, back to my thoughts here. Maybe you recognize that you too are an idealist, or maybe you are in love with one (and they drive you insane with their lack of practicality at times!). 

This morning I decided to make a list of ways that an Idealist can be shown love: 

How to Love an Idealist

• We love symbolic gifts. Honestly. A memento from a great trip can hold more meaning than something new that is bright and shiny. AND if you point out why it is special, we will love it even more. 
• Some of my own personal favorite items: A bracelet that belonged to Barrett's mom that has his name on it, a necklace my parents got me that is a nest with 2 eggs (symbolizing my two boys)
• We need to know you are thinking of us. Thankfully, the electronic age has made this pretty easy. Send a text or an email saying that you miss us and we are in your thoughts. Often.
• Have private jokes with us and other things that are "ours", like a television show we watch, a song, a place, even a pet. It makes us feel like there is a deeper level to our relationship.
• We are very sensitive to what others think, especially you if we are in a relationship. Please know that often listening (without providing answers) is the BEST way you can show support.
• We have strong values. Whatever they may be, we need to know that we are in sync on them.
• I think the first time Barrett experienced my passion was when he brought up the topic of abortion when we were dating, and saw me moved to anger and tears as I talked about my feelings on it. And of course, the way it should be.  I also believe that people walk their own personal walk in faith, but having a man that believed in God was very important to me, no matter what their church attendance was like.
• We crave need intimacy in every way. One way we feel intimate with you is to know your deepest secrets. Tell us something you have never told anyone, and not only will we keep it safe, but you will have a friend for life. 
• Do not withhold information when something is wrong. Most idealists are highly intuitive, and we can see right through you or even know you are upset sometimes before you realize why (B and I have experienced this many times). If you hide something, we will not only be upset you didn't share it, but we will view this as a breach of trust.
• In some ways we can be an open book. Sometimes we over share or say too much. Love us anyway. Love that we can tell you any second of the day what we are feeling (which is often like 5+ things at once!)
• We long for romance and can lose interest quickly in overly social atmospheres, wanting instead meaningful encounters with only one person.

Other things you should know: 

1. We are intensely loyal and devoted. 
2. Haha! I loved this quote: "An Idealist's"truest" self is the self search of itself, or in other words, her purpose in life is to have a purpose in life!"
3. We are not flaky by nature, but we can come across that way. We wander. We wander spiritually, psychologically, and topically. We may even like to wander geographically because we want to experience life at its fullest.
4. Idealists devote much of their time to pursuing their own identity, their personal meaning, what they signify-their true Self. It is not, mind you, that they are self-centered, self-serving, or selfish; they have to find this in order to help others and change the world!
5. Idealist expression is rich in exaggeration and overstatement.  We do not say we are "somewhat" interested in an idea, or dissatisfied "in some degree" with a person's behavior; we are "totally" fascinated or "completely" disgusted, "perfectly" delighted, or "absolutely" appalled.
6. We sometimes appear ADD, like we can't form a thought to save our lives, but it's because there are SO many thought in there!
7. "The Idealists, warm, generous, vivacious, soulful, personally conscientious, and interpersonally sensitive, are quite attractive to the other temperaments." Quote from: Idealists

J.R.R. Tolkein

Need Input-Please?

So, I am torn between writing out my own story about heartbreak and finding love (The Other Side of Forever), writing a self-help book for women going through divorce (Emergence: Healing from the Divorce), or somehow trying to combine the two  with activities and journal pages for women after chunks of my story, as well as some humor and advice. I have a few chapters written, most of it mapped out and a few ideas for the cover as well as two different titles depending on which way I go? Now I need some input. Which

is more interesting to read, which would you be more likely to enjoy? Thank you.

You may vote by commenting on this blog, emailing me your idea at sarahbrice11@gmail.com, or commenting on Facebook. If you are an artist, you may also contact me about possible cover art. 

I love your input!

-Sarah

Home Again

We just arrived home about and hour ago from spending all day yesterday, last night and this morning at the coast. Why is it that coming home is both disappointing and relaxing all at the same time? We had a beautiful stay at the Fireside Motel in Yachats, (said Ya-Hots for any non-Oregonians), and visited the nearby towns of Newport and Waldport. Our room had a fireplace and jacuzzi tub, and a gorgeous view of the Pacific. Because I was afraid to leave Max at home, and didn't want to try to find someone to leave him with, we had to book a pet-friendly room and take him just about everywhere with us...this turned out to be pretty exhausting and we were woken up at 6:00 AM this beautiful Sunday morning. Really?? Anyone who is in the market for a German Shepherd, seriously, message me, lol, as this dog may soon need to find a home he is better suited to. We need a lazy dog. Where do I find one that will walk next to us off-leash or on and be calm, and will again calmly curl up at our feet while we read books from our travels to used bookstores? I want one of those, or maybe none at all. To every stranger that complimented how pretty our dog is, we wanted to say, "He's free, here you go!" Max is gorgeous, tan with just the black on his face and tips of his fur, but a 1 year-old shepherd is maybe not the best choice for us!

Anyhow, back to the weekend. We walked along Keady Wayside in Waldport and saw little harbor seals everywhere, popping their heads up to greet us and then resurfacing somewhere else. We ate at a very cool pizza parlor there, and enjoyed some of the trails at Cape Perpetua, which gives a great view of the coastline, as well as has an inlet called Devil's Churn where the waves come in and crash against the rocks. This morning, after a soak in the tub, we enjoyed a walk along the path outside our hotel. There were whales out in the water, and they would breach and spout water every few minutes! We walked down the rocks to the tide-pools, and then headed to Newport to Nye Beach for browsing of used book-stores, glass art exhibits, and lunch with a view. Max did not behave on Nye Beach at all as we hoped he would. The few minutes he got to be free of the leash, he ran off and peed right on a sandcastle two young kids were building, much to our chagrin. I will admit, Barrett and I both had dog envy as we watched other dogs stay next to their people, play in the surf and well, not be obnoxious and hyper.

At home again, Barrett reads next to me as I type and upload pictures of our latest adventure. The dog lays in the sun outside, and we drink coffee to energize for the return of our boys and dinner with my parents tonight. Home again.

My Big Announcement

No, I did not get a job, and am not with child. There, that is out of the way! :) I decided to share my latest endeavor on here, to keep my readers afloat of what is going on in my life, as well as to garner your support. After much prodding from my sweet husband, my family, and my readers, I have decided to write a book. I do not expect this to be some huge profit-making grand scheme, full-time career, or to become a best-selling author. I have not yet decided if I will go the route of trying to get my novel published or strike a deal with Amazon and e-publish. I have been reading up on this lots, and have much more to discover.  What I have decided is that this is something I have always wanted to do, and that I have a story to tell. I actually have many ideas of stories to tell, some fiction, some based on real life. 

I am beginning with a story/motivational self-help book about going through divorce. I have a lot to say on this subject, and the writing itself is therapeutic in many ways. BUT I didn't just want my advice out there, because who am I to offer the "right" way to do things? Instead, I wanted a story of love and loss, bitterness and hope, brokenness and healing. I wanted my story with some advice thrown in. I mostly want to be a companion to women that are going through or have been through separation and divorce, though I think that the story is interesting enough to read for anyone that wants to read it of course! I hope! I also am including an entire chapter on how to help a friend or family member going through divorce, as I encountered many people trying to help, and can honestly say what was helpful and what was anything but! I talk about the feelings that are normal that so many people keep hidden inside, how to discover who you are without your spouse, how to deal with navigating the aspects of children and co-parenting, dating and remarriage. 

Like I said, I am not hoping to get rich. BUT I am hoping to have readers. I am just beginning, only a few chapters in so far, but am hoping to be done with the first draft by Fall. Please comment, private message me or even comment on here (I know the dumb Captcha code thing is annoying on here), with any questions, ideas or support.  When I am finished, I will be hitting up some readers to read it, give suggestions and review it. Though it is a bit away, I would love to begin compiling a list of people to be on my team so to speak. It is many of you that have been so encouraging to me, and I am grateful for your readership. And not to worry, for those of you not at all interested in this project, I am sure I will still be blogging about anything and everything else too. :)

For the curious, here is are a few excerpts. They are of course, not in context, but I am open to your thoughts on the voice and style of the writing. 

 I am not sure even how to categorize what a bad or a good person looks like, because by our very nature, all people are some parts dark and some light, some good, some bad, and some parts products of our own creation and environment. 

Tears were streaming down both of our faces, his bags at his feet.  Even then I was bitter already (or was it still), I felt as though I was an actress watching myself from afar. What was I supposed to say, do, how was I supposed to act? You find me the manual for that, and I tell you what, that person will be rich! 

That night, alone in our bedroom, my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. At 2 AM I awoke, after finally crying myself to sleep, and went into the bathroom, and gently took off my beautiful wedding ring (it had been a gift for our five year Christmas together), tucking it into my jewelry box. It was over, and I somehow just knew this. Ironically we would speak a few days later, on somewhat good terms at that time, and my soon-to be ex-husband would go on to tell me that he awoke in the middle of the night as well, and slipped his wedding band off and into his pocket…right around 2 AM. It’s funny how the world works sometimes, the duality of it all. I have always thought that if this were a movie, that would play out awesomely on the big screen. The torn apart marriage, the spouses alone, each surrendering their rings, and with them, their vows to one another.  All that would at least be Kleenex worthy.

And the Curtain Closes.

At the end of a play there is this wonderful moment when the curtain closes after the performance. As exhilarating as being on stage in character can be, there is such release when it is complete. This is the time to break character, smile, laugh, hug your fellow actor/actress next to you, and rejoice in a job well done. This is the time to let go of any slip-ups you may have made during the evening, knowing that in the end, they don't really matter. I acted in high school. Oh, just in the school plays, but I loved every second of it. I loved the memorization, the long rehearsals, the "getting into character", the being up on stage, but one of the things I remember most is the experience shared with others when the curtain falls at the end. It is bittersweet, a time when people move on and will never be in the exact same grouping again, like the last ever play I acted in, The Crucible.  Many of my greatest high school memories were spent on the stage, on the set, and in the dressing room...but as usual, I digress. Sometimes life in its bigger moments reflects the smaller ones we have had, and we are left making a connection of sorts. 

Everyone is familiar with the saying "When one door closes, another opens." What some people are not aware of is the rest of the saying, "but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us," (Alexander Graham Bell). It would be a lie to say that I have not been in a complete funk lately. I have applied to teaching jobs all over the place in what is an incredibly flooded market (Can we say over 1,000 applicants in some districts for 1 job!). I have hoped for jobs that if I am honest with myself I don't even really want-like the job at the "place where unicorns go to frolic" which is in many ways too good to be true, in the fact that I myself do not feel like I am a good fit (and will be surprised if it is offered to me....and then I have to decide what to say). The program I thought was wonderful WAS too good to be true, and was misrepresented in what to make a long story short basically means that I was not even in the program I wanted to be in, and was lead to believe I was in. Looking at schools all over the place, at college programs anywhere within an hour, can be a frustrating endeavor-Especially when every door seems to slam shut. There have been SO many doors shut that I was at a complete loss yesterday, crying in Barrett's arms. 

And then I talked to my hairdresser today. It was so nice to be 100% honest with someone that my decisions have no impact on. I mean, she doesn't care which route I do or don't pursue as long as I am happy and my family is well. I was telling her my story, and she laughed, and said, "You know Sarah, I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe you are needed at home next year, and God is shutting every door that would pull you away." I laughed to myself as I recalled the prayer that I have prayed daily the past few months, "God, I just want to do what is best, not what is best financially or best for me, but what it is YOU think I would be best at. Please show me a sign, and slam shut any doors that I shouldn't go down right now and open those that are where you want me." I kid you not. Why does it take talking to someone else who is not in my daily loop to see the situation for what it is? God is probably really annoyed with me, for all the doors I have tried to open, and He keeps having to close them. Do you think He thinks of us as naughty toddlers ever? I said, don't touch. Leave things alone. Talking to Kellie gave me peace today. Perhaps the reason I cannot get into any graduate programs now until Fall 2014, and have not been offered a teaching position, is because I am needed here. Barrett's grandparents move up in August. Isaiah begins kindergarten in September. While I can indeed suck it up and sub when we need extra money, maybe I am not meant to be committed to a full-time course of anything next year. Maybe this is when this particular curtain closes. Maybe it is time to be relieved, to laugh, to sigh, and to hug those around me. Perhaps this is when I forge relationships with others, and discover who and what I am meant to be. I know that I have been all over the place emotionally, and it helped to read my own thoughts on this from a few months ago Why I Choose to Stay Home.

I know I will enter the full-time workforce again someday soon, perhaps in 2014! It is in my nature. But at this point I am not sure if I will be teaching or returning to school. I have lots of research to do, and the time to do it in. A new option has presented itself, though not this year, and that is me adding a special education license to my teaching repertoire, and perhaps pursuing a career in that niche. Something that I never felt interested to do in the past keeps niggling in the back of my mind. Perhaps I will indeed pursue counseling, but likely not for schools, but for couples and families. Again, I am not sure yet. I whined to Barrett yesterday that I needed to know RIGHT NOW, as I am not getting any younger! I even whined that I have crinkles around my eyes when I smile, and am too old to not have a plan. Today I was reminded that while I may not have a plan, God does. And truly, truly, what does it matter if I pursue a goal at 32 instead of 31, or even at 40, 50, or 80? We are here to live and to love, and often, that does not happen right on schedule. 

Where Unicorns go to Frolic

Today I found out a few really unlikable things about the program I am supposed to be starting in August. I keep praying to God that he just slams shut the doors of anything that is not where I am supposed to be, and I felt this one being forced shut today. I will share why at some other point, but for now you can suffice it to say that I am probably not supposed to be there. I was driving to get Isaiah from visiting with my dad, when I got some of this news via email, and I pulled over (yes, I actually did!) to read it. I held back the tears and took a deep breath, and then, just then my beloved iPhone buzzed again with a new email. A place I had applied to this very morning for a position was extending an interview for this week. Wow. Okay God, is this another door that will slam shut or a wide-open walk to places I have never been?


 I won't divulge much info. yet, because yes, even I like to keep some things private for a bit. I just have to say that I have been Grade A, 100% spoiled when it has come to my short teaching career. I have spent two years in a charter school and two in a private school. This means a few things: typically some more autonomy with curriculum in your classroom, super-involved parents, and really great, achieving kids. The place I am to interview at is almost unbelievable as I research it. I have heard of it, yes...but they have not had any positions in awhile.  It is like where unicorns go to frolic and play under rainbows. What both schools I taught at had in common was very small budgets for both teacher salaries and classroom supplies, field trips, materials for science experiments, etc. You get the drift. This is not the case by any means here.  I am almost scared by the sheer awesomeness of this school and the appearance of teaching with no holds barred. But...I am also wary. Sometimes things are too good to be true. Hence the secrecy in parts. For now, here is to acing a job interview, so that I can see if this place really exists in the real world. :)

My Forehead Has Wrinkles...and other ponderances about life

"The next time I get my hair done, I think I should get bangs." Barrett is driving us to stalk the school I secretly want to work at (and no I won't tell yet, but it is one I just applied to-though I will gladly take a job at Matt's school if they ever decide to get back to all the candidates...the interviewing has been extended even longer I heard from a little birdie, so I am not out of the running yet!). Barrett turns to look at me, "You mean cut the bangs that you just finished growing out?"  I smile at him, expecting him to know how women think-after all, any woman would understand this conversation fully. "My forehead wrinkles are causing too much self-loathing," I state, pointing at my forehead. "What?? I don't even notice your forehead unless you point at it like that."  A few minutes go on in silence as we drive. "I hate my voice, especially when I hear it on the phone. When I'm talking about computers, I sound like one of those nerdy guys, I mean really nerdy guys that I can't stand," Barrett muses. "I love your voice," I say. And then I burst out laughing. My mom, who looks GREAT to even be old enough to be my mom, has always had a thing with arms, never wanting to wear sleeveless shirts or dresses because of her "fat arms" (love you, Mom!). Not once, ever, have I thought that her arms didn't look good enough to be out and about, and the last time she mentioned arms, I told her (exasperated, mind you), that she looked WAY better than most the women out there who had no qualms about baring their arms. We really are the hardest on ourselves, aren't we? As I was taking off my make-up tonight I called upstairs to Barrett, "Honey, I am getting some wrinkles!" And he called down, "yeah? So am I." 

Wrinkles never looked so good!

It isn't just women, though we may have the market on this, but people in general have these hang-ups that other people don't even see when they look at them. We try so hard to be perfect, don't we? I know I do. I know that we all have our things, so I will tell on myself. I never leave without make-up on, though I will go make-up free completely in front of Barrett and my boys (I guess that right there tells you it is a vulnerability thing). I never lack fingernail or toenail polish (though sometimes I do clear on my fingernails). I lotion up my skin everyday, but I don't always brush my teeth or remove my eye-makeup before bed (though I am trying to do better, and even to floss more!). I hate exercise, but I need to do it, because apparently my body insists on betraying me and aging, and my metabolism slowing.  Oh, and I love food, especially the bad stuff like cinnamon rolls, Chinese food, and bacon, and cheese. But I digress. 

Last week I was so down. I was expecting to hear about the job, and heard nothing. Other than running the boys around, I hardly moved off the couch. I finished two books and watched five movies, oh, and made cookies. Yeah. There was a whole lot of negative self talk going on there. I didn't do a single thing to clean my house until the 4th day of this. You want to lower your self-esteem? Go through the self-selling involved with job hunting, knowing that you brought it on yourself. Try to accurately convey just enough confidence mixed with humility to be likable, yet hire-able in an interview. Fun stuff. Then, Friday came, and I just kind of snapped out of it. No, there is no job, but I have the semblance of a plan. I started out saying this was in God's hands, and it is. No lack of patience on my part makes that any less true. I know that I can be a great teacher, and no-one can take that away, even if they don't hire me. I know there are plans for me, and they are great plans dang it. Whether I am a teacher, a counselor, or a Licensed Kitten Masseuse (I made that one up), God has plans for me. The negative self talk gets me nowhere, and I am meant to go somewhere.

Tonight was one of those enlightening moments when things seem crystal clear. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Isn't it the nature of humanity to covet what we don't have, and to condemn what we do? I don't think it should be. My forehead has wrinkles. You know why? Because I express myself with a lot of fervor and passion, which means my eyebrows are rarely anchored in one spot! I used to think I wanted a perfect, manicured lawn and flower garden.
But you know what? Those take a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of worry. One weed can ruin the entire facade of perfection. Tonight as I watered a tree B and I planted, I noticed the grasses and daisies growing up around it, swaying in the cool twilight air. They looked wild and free, beautiful, and exactly as they should be. As we grow, we change. I know I have. Tonight I discovered that I would rather be a patch of wildflowers than a manicured garden, I don't know about you.  Tonight I decided that I like me, a lot actually, and wherever I end up, bangs or no bangs, I will be just fine.