Why I Choose to Stay Home

Staying home is not for the faint of heart. When I worked full-time my house stayed cleaner (because we were all gone all day!); now it actually gets used. When I worked I had a schedule that dominated my days and the days of my children. When I worked, I had extra money in my bank account...but not extra time. Working was easier in many ways. I worried less about cooking nice meals for my family, most chores got procrastinated away until the weekends (because everyone wants a "catch-up" day after working all week!), and everything extra seemed like an obligation. "Extra" things didn't get done for my family. "No, Mommy has no time to bake cupcakes for school...we will run by Safeway," and "Honey, I don't have time to sit and watch that show with you-I'm too behind on laundry."

Did you know that once I had my great epiphany about nursing that I have (not once!) looked back and thought I made the wrong decision? I thought so desperately that I had missed out on something by forcing myself to work and attend night-school all the years, and by letting our debt pile so high that I had to work-it was never a matter of choice (or it was a matter of poor choices along the way!). I was bitter about missing out. I thought I had missed my calling, missed precious time. When I was a young girl I dreamed of being a doctor or a lawyer, of being successful, and of having a wonderful husband and no kids. I never wanted children in those old visions I had. But you see I had missed something! What I have been realizing is that the precious time I missed was not about making myself into some awesome career woman, the time I missed was the time in the home, to be an awesome mom, an awesome wife, and an awesome person.

Barrett and I have spent a lot of time discussing the next few years. See, the original plan was that I would be in nursing school, and that except for maybe a part-time job as a CNA, I would be focusing on school for 3-4 years. Now since the plan has changed quite a bit, we have discussed our new plan. I began this new year by getting on some substitute teacher lists, and then doing a fair amount of subbing. It pays well, and quite honestly you can expect to work anywhere from 2-4 days each week. I have to be honest here: I went in gung-ho thinking this was the perfect way to make some extra money. I hated it. Like, honestly would rather shove bamboo shoots under my nails or pump gas (that would be much more preferable!!!), so I haven't subbed at all in about a month and a half...and while I might take a job for someone I know (or for high school, as that is FAR easier in my opinion), not sure subbing is the career for me at all. Let's just say that there is a ginormous difference between having your own classroom and being in charge of someone else's for the day. EEK! If money gets really tight...I'd rather become a cashier at Wal-Mart again (I actually worked there for 4-5 months when I was 18, and it was MUCH more enjoyable than subbing). :)

 Oh, right, I was going somewhere with this before I began ranting...anyhow, next Fall both boys will be in school 4 days each week, and I will begin night and online classes through Northwest Christian University in Eugene. This means that I could potentially work during the day. Could being the operative word, as should isn't exactly the same. I have been the working full-time and grad school route before, and while doable...not enjoyable, at all.  My ever wonderful husband has told me a few things to help me make this decision: A) It is my decision, B) We do okay now financially, though extra is always nice, and C) if I choose not to work, he wants some of my pent-up energy (AKA so I don't drive him nuts) to go toward something I care about like a new hobby, volunteering, etc. It seems I change my mind almost daily about this decision (a problem all women have according to Barrett!!). On the one hand, though I never looked back after deciding against nursing, I have looked back SO much about leaving teaching. I do indeed have a passion for it, and I do miss it. I also know without a doubt though that it is not my calling, but simply a step on my journey to finding out who I am and how I can best help others. My calling is counseling, and probably always has been, but I was not ready to serve others yet in that very personal way until I found out who I was, and became grounded myself. Make sense? I have looked at jobs with the State of Oregon in Child Welfare positions (Social Worker), and at a few teaching positions as they come open...but for now I have decided that unless something really great (like a part-time teaching job...and those rarely happen) comes up, I choose to stay home next year and the following year while I earn my counseling licenses. 

2 boys and their dog

I have so much gratitude to Barrett, my parents, and Barrett's grandparents who have all showed me nothing but love, support and a willingness to help. They have given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. They have given me the gift of time. Time to be Mommy to my kids. I play with my sons now, we go places, we do crafts, and attend play-dates. They both seem so much happier and comfortable with a mom that is not overly busy and distracted all the time. They deserve that. Never before would I have ran in the rain with Isaiah, hiked by the river as we "adventure" or left at the spur of the moment to meet friends who were in town at the park. Time to discover myself. I am taking a class now (just for fun) on how children develop morals. I am volunteering at the Pregnancy Alternatives Center nearby, training to be a patient advocate, mentor and fellow teacher of parenting classes. I have time to read for fun, to teach myself to cook and bake, to make candles and hand-painted signs, to volunteer at Matt's school, to garden and tend to the pets. Never before did I feel I had time to give freely of myself to a cause I cared about, to plan the landscaping of our home, or to ponder the purposeful parenting of our children. 

Isaiah playing hopscotch

As I plan for the next school year (it's coming sooner than we think!), I reflect on the changes that have made me who I am today, and I am grateful. I probably do not deserve happiness like this, but other than a few minor annoyances that sidetrack us all, I am happy every single day. I am loved completely, and respected enough to be given the reigns ("It is up to you, Sarah") with a smile and no pressure. Because I am human, I will stumble. I will make decisions, and then change my mind. :) I think about what is to come: my baby starting kindergarten, a huge home addition and Barrett's grandparents here to stay, learning counseling theories and techniques as a student again, setting up and decorating a new playroom for the kids and den for us, camping in the new 5th wheel, overseeing the addition itself with all the decisions to be made there, helping women learn about their pregnancies, their health and how to parent, and I am sure many, many more things. Life keeps us all busy in many ways. So there you have it-why I choose to stay home this season of life. I will trade muddy floors for Isaiah's giggle as we twirl umbrellas in the rain any day. I will trade many dinners out to dinners prepared by me and my sons. I will trade perfectly scheduled for perfectly available, and I will trade my family feeling like "extras" for everything else coming later.

Matthew with great-grandpa and grandma