If You Want to Hear God Laugh

Do you ever have one of those days where the free time is actually abundant, but your brain can't seem to focus on a darn thing? You know it's bad when nothing on Facebook or Pinterest interests you, there's a new novel on the table at arm's reach, and the floor could really use a good sweep. Instead you (or I actually) sit there and just zone out. It must be a sign of a tired mind. Barrett tossed and turned like nobody's business last night, leaving both of us zombies today. I am in fancy yoga pants and a tank (maybe I'll actually exercise later, right?) feeling completely and utterly useless today. I did have a burst of energy earlier this morning, and got us packed for this weekend, a load of laundry put away, and the kitchen cleaned.

So, I subbed first graders on Tuesday. They were kind of scary, lol. Oh wait, let me put my appropriate filter into place- they were very energetic. FULL of energy, let me tell you. That was the hardest half day of work I have ever had. Was it possible? Yes. Was I exhausted? Ummm...YEAH. I get all settled in my mind thinking I will just enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom until the Fall, and you know what? I told God that plan and He apparently thought that was funny. I am working all of next week, subbing third grade three days and second one. I even had to turn down two sub jobs because I am already subbing. While happy for the business, I am anxious as ever. It took every ounce of my energy to keep the first grade class under control, and sometimes I felt I was losing that battle. I have no doubt that their regular teacher is wonderful, as I know the family, BUT the class was a bit tough for me. Maybe it was the grade? I sure hope it wasn't me.I can tell you one thing-getting to leave at the end of the day and not having to take anything home is amazing. Maybe I will get the Spotted Cow Flu and be sick all next week. Just kidding?...

On a brighter note, my interview went fantastic to get into the counseling program at Northwest Christian University. At least I think so. I got a lot of nodding and smiling, so I think it went well. I sure felt like it did. I especially enjoyed the part where after I was interviewed by two people for 40 minutes I get told it was time for the writing prompt. "Oh, did we tell you there would be a writing portion?" the interviewing woman asks me. NO-I think, but I was not nervous at all, thankfully I like writing-so I think that portion was A-OK as well.

Barrett turns 30 next week. For one month and one week every year I am 2 years older than him, then he catches up and is just one behind! I booked us a night at a great hotel on the Oregon coast with a fireplace. I also booked a couple's massage at the nearby spa, and we are having dinner at this great restaurant. I am excited, and I am hoping it is a nice break for us both-him at the end of a long week (they have been very busy this week) and me right before one.

Ah-thank you to grandparents and shared custody. :)

On Top of the World

Have you ever had one of those bounce-off-the-walls, crazy-happy days? A day where you feel like ALL of the pieces of your life that seemed so out of place are finally coming together? It's like my life has been this mixed up mess of seemingly random puzzle pieces, and I finally figured out how they all fit together. Turns out..the pieces that I thought made up a mess are actually making one beautiful, organized piece of art. I wonder if that is exactly as God intends it to be?

I used to always tell my high school students not to worry, that those days would not end up being the best days of their lives. For me, it is right now-right where I am. I had a plan but no clue what I was doing when I was 18, or 21 or 25 for that matter. My life was a dreadful mess at age 28 when I separated from my high school love. At 30, though happier than ever before with my relationship and family, I found I was still floundering rediscovering who exactly I was. At 31? I finally feel like I am beginning to be the person I want to be, and I have gotten to know and even like myself. Sure, I was probably much prettier (and definitely thinner) ten years ago-but I LIKE myself a whole lot better now. 

What made me so happy today? Well, today I got the call that I have been selected to interview for a counseling program that has both an excellent reputation, and a pretty flexible schedule. I am thinking more and more that this is the area that I feel called to go into. School counseling actually makes both my Bachelor's in Psychology and my Master's in Education seem to go together :) and HUGE NERD ALERT HERE,  but I practically drooled reading course descriptions for all the classes. That ever happen to anyone else, where you think wow, I am actually interested in all of these classes, or am I alone in my utter nerddom? I got to go shopping today sans children (which is always nice), and picked a practical interview dress that can also be dressed up for a nice date out. I rehearsed to myself while driving (again, completely  outting my nerdiness here!) for what I would say to possible interview questions. I thought I sounded like the perfect candidate by the way!

Today my husband (who is the BEST ever match for my puzzle masterpiece) told me that we can take a vacation for the two of us in late spring, and that I could choose anywhere I wanted to go for a week (within certain financial restrictions of course). We had been planning on Mexico, because it is pretty budget friendly, but the more I priced things it seemed we could go almost anywhere for around the same amount. I have longed to be a traveler for as long as I can remember. You can read about my obsession here: Oh to See the World! So I saw this as a golden opportunity. Though not 100% decided yet (give me a few days to obsess over choices), I am pretty sure we will be vacationing this year in....Italy! 

I am a happy girl. I have two more possible sub jobs lined up, an interview for grad school, and a trip to plan. Plus, I finally feel like I am coming to terms with (and learning how to navigate) this thing called parenting. By the way, a quick recommendation-if you are a mom of young kids I HIGHLY recommend a book I am currently reading: Desperate- Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. 

And on another note (I know my writing is slightly disjointed today, and I apologize), to those who have been through a divorce-it takes time to find yourself, especially if you have been with someone else for a long time. Sometimes it is so difficult to see where they stopped and you began. If you feel like you don't know who you are, take some time off work if possible (even if it is just a small weekend trip) and begin to categorize the things you know you enjoy and those you don't. It may take awhile, but just start. Up until a few days (honestly!) ago, I couldn't even name the things that interested me, or what I liked to do. I am still working on my list that sums me up, but I have pinned down a few things. I am a wife, a mother, a forever student, a teacher. I am a pet-lover, with an interest in decorating and photography, and cooking as well.  I like studying, and intend to at least take a crash course in Italian. I love curling up with a good book or movie, and there are entire days I'd be content to live within my own head. I love the beauty of nature, long to travel the world, and am amused by news in health and science. I care about people's feelings a lot, the nature of education, and becoming a good person and role model. I am silly, sarcastic, and serious-extroverted and introverted. I love fashion and great dinners out. I am sure I will find out a lot more that is the essence of me in the future. 

Happy day all! :)

Sometimes...Parenting Sucks

So, I know that I tell it like it is on a regular basis anyhow, but I just have to vent today. 

Sometimes...parenting sucks. Like, a lot. 

I am not even talking about the boot camp of diapers, spit-up, sleepless nights and mountains of laundry that occurs during those glorious days of infancy. Nor am I talking about the tantrum-throwing, sticky hands, and more sleepless nights of toddler-hood. I have cleaned up puked in beds, we once found a turd (not joking here!) in the washing machine, and I have walked into all kinds of interesting "kid" moments like a "pool" of baby powder all over the carpet that two young boys were jumping into. I have seen the bathroom floor SOAKED with water after a good bubble bath, muddy footprints throughout the house, and children playing the "throw the matchbox cars at the freshly painted wall because it seems fun" game. 

Nope, none of those truly suck THAT bad...I am talking about when, as a parent, you have to make the decision to do...well, the grown-up thing. Now I wonder how many times my own parents were in this same boat. By the way, this boat might as well be sinking slowly, riddled with holes, and I ordered the fantastic cruise-liner over yonder. I am talking about when we have to give up something we wanted, some sort of treat or freedom we have, to instill the importance of rules and consequences in a child. 

My example? Isaiah was supposed to go hang out with my dad, and spend the night with my parents. To the currently not working me, this was a fantastic idea. Isaiah gets fun with his Papa, and mommy gets time to pass out more business cards for subbing, and well...enjoy some quiet time. You mean I can read, blog or plan intricate fantasy vacations (because if I plan them enough-they will happen) in peace? I LOVE my son so much, but let me just say that my Isaiah is a rule-bender, pusher and breaker. He is the child that sees the line and constantly wriggles his toes on the other side...just to see what it is like. I often respect that about him, Barrett and I always say that his lack of people-pleasing nature will actually do him a lot of good later on. As a 4 year-old though? It often collides with our need for order in the home. This time though, Isaiah was told that going over to Nan and Pop's was a treat, and that Mom expected good behavior. For the next like 14 hours (mind you he was asleep for like 10 of those!) Isaiah pushed at the rules constantly. I couldn't even detail all the ones he broke, and none would seem like a HUGE deal on their own, but it was the attitude of nonchalance and sheer volume of rule-breaking that did him in. It was also the spoiled, bossy and expectant behavior I got from him this morning. I don't know how else to describe it. After about 3 warnings that he needed to behave better, I had to do the grown-up thing. I had threatened no stay with his grandparents, and I had to act. If I didn't, he may never take me seriously. 

I had to give up coveted free time and worry about what my parents might think. You ever feel like your parents think you are doing it all wrong? I know my parents love me and think I do okay, but I often feel I need to defend my decisions, and I felt bad for changing their plans but also explained that I had to make sure my son knows I mean business. After-all, it may not seem like a big deal now, but I need him to know that the rules in the house apply to him too. I need him to know that I love him even when he is in trouble, but that yes I do get angry and/or disappointed by his actions. I need him to be accountable. I never went easy on Matt, and I get that I still have plenty of time to see him step over the line as well, and that by nature as a first-born he is a people pleaser...yada, yada, yada...BUT Matthew behaves, respects authority, and honestly, gives us very little reason to do anything other than offer rewards when the time comes. Matt has always been held to high standards, and I feel I have been doing Isaiah a disservice by continuing to treat him as the baby, to let the rules bend. Not only does that create strife between the brothers (because Matthew is WELL aware of what his brother gets out of), but it teaches Isaiah nothing.  

At my expense, as well as his own, my son lost a privilege today...but I hope he learned a lesson. Parenting does not happen by accident-not if you want it done well.

What do you DO all day?

I have to say that God humbles us in every way possible. In the past few months I have entered a realm of two careers I never thought I would want to do: being a substitute teacher and being at stay-at-home-mom. Today I will talk about the latter. I have to admit that I always secretly had a bit of contempt for stay-at-home moms. Hear me out-I do not mean to be offensive, just honest. I always thought that I handled it just fine being a mom, and working, and often going to school too...and the hard truth is that I wondered to myself about stay-at-home moms the big question: "What do you DO all day?" 

It turns out I am not alone in this thought, nor am I alone at all in the career woman turned stay-at-home mom for a season or two of life. I am not the only one to feel overwhelmed, depressed, and unaccomplished by the new found freedom and absolute lack of a schedule. Maybe that sounds weird to you? Like an oxymoron? How can a lack of a schedule be overwhelming? Well for me (and it seems many other women according to the great blogosphere), that having life scheduled by professors and bosses was actually easier. It was a no-brainer. Now I have to decide what gets done each  day, how my children and I interact together, and how I get in "me" time throughout the day as well with scheduled "free-play" times for Isaiah. I am here to say that I have a new respect for stay-at-home moms (at least those that truly are making a big effort for their homes and families... which I would daresay is most, though not all). Staying at home feels like I am accomplishing nothing. This is a mental block that I need to get over. On a good day the laundry is kept up, the floors are cleaned, dishes washed and meals made, as well as my four-year old having time to play, read, sing and bake with Mommy. On a good day my seven-year old is fed and off to school, and returns home to a loving mom who leads him though chores, homework, reading and play-time. And on a good day my husband comes home to happy kids, a clean house, fresh laundry, and a prepared dinner. 

If you have been in this boat, I encourage you to share with me what works for you. For me? I am finding that I need a schedule. Yes, it is a loose schedule that can change due to weather, energy level and even the grumpiness of a pre-schooler. Though a schedule can keep me on track with things I want to accomplish each day. This might be getting some pictures scrapbooked during nap time, trying a new recipe, or doing an art project with Isaiah. 

 Another thing? I REFUSE to do it all. Yes, I am home. Yes, I have time more abundant than ever before, but I will not be a slave to my home or family. To me, part of being in any family is learning how to be a team. For example, I did the HUGE grocery list yesterday, but Barrett washed some laundry and vacuumed the stairs (a task I TRULY hate). My sons? They may be small, but they do chores. We have taught Matthew to clean toilets, sweep, mop, vacuum and take out the trash. Isaiah knows how to clean counter-tops, dust, and do bathroom sinks. Both boys know how to make their own beds and fold and correctly put away their own laundry. Does this mean I never do any of these chores? Heck no. I do them a lot. I like to keep a clean house, and I also try not to overload the kids on any given day. so though Matt can vacuum, he may do it once a week and I may do it two other times (I like a clean house, but I have pets...and kids!). It is still a huge help to the household, and I hope that we are teaching the boys that everyone contributes. They do get a small amount of chore money for some chores (they don't for making the bed or brushing teeth-things that are daily), and more money for chores we really don't want to do but they offer to help, like picking up shell casings after Barrett shoots, or weeding a flowerbed. 

Anyhow, those are my thoughts for now. 

Hit the Ground Running!

Here I was all calm and content yesterday, thinking I was going to embrace being a stay-at-home-mom when I get the notification that a sub job is open for tomorrow (well today now, but you get me). I had joked with Barrett that the worst sub job ever would be PE. I hated PE as a kid, and quite honestly kids running around and throwing balls is still enough to give me a slight edge of anxiety. But lo and behold the sub job said PE and Health, and so after a few minutes of deliberation, I accepted it.

Barrett says that my whole "everything happens for a reason" theory is spot on, and that it was no coincidence that my lunch plans for today fell through, thus freeing me up. Ah, so with one period left to go (I am currently on prep as I write), I can say that I have survived my first sub job. I am no longer tense like this morning. And I get paid for today, a day of hanging out with teenagers...and it wasn't so bad.

This morning I awoke at five (!!!) to be our the door by 6:15 with boys in tow and get them to my parents while I went to find my assignment. It was dark, scary foggy, and my car needed gas- but luckily I still arrived early enough to get a quick tour, room keys and lesson plans. My room? It is behind the gym, and made of concrete. Actually, I spent three periods not even in here. I was in the gym for two and the weight room for one. Can I just say that subbing for weight-lifting is dreadfully dull? As is PE with some version of dodgeball, and me flinching each time a ball came near. Health has been ok. One class was silent and one pretty rowdy...though my loud class had over 30 kids in it. My final class is pretty small. I have their teacher's assignment for them, but I'm hoping to have some fun with them too hopefully after they are done. Subbing older kids is pretty unexciting. Teachers usually just leave work for them to do. Next time I need something to do as well!

Overall, kids are kids. Though I witnessed kids with brightly colored hair, piercings and and tattoos (and a few colorful words I had to put an end to!)-they were actually pretty good. They were respectful, quirky, albeit colorful teens. I'd come back.

And then it hit...I'm a Stay-At-Home-Mom!

I was mulling over some things in my head today. The job-searching being as dull as could possibly be, and some signs being given that I definitely need to move on versus try to reach out to former employers...it dawned on me. I have been so busy trying to decide what to do with myself, applying for jobs, making substitute teacher goody bags, networking, etc...that I guess I had yet to fully realize what is going on. I am not working right now. I am not in school again now until August (if I get in to counseling program), and I haven't done much looking around, because I really like the program I found. Yes, yes I will get to the point. I realized that at this moment in my life, however long it may last, I have joined the ranks of being a Stay-at-Home-Mom. While I can put fancy labels on this juncture of time, like "I'm in between jobs..", I also realized with a growing sense of calm, that I am where I am at this moment in time because God must want me here. And when a little hand grabs mine and says, "Mommy, you have to see the rocket ship I built! Close your eyes!" And drags me down the hallway to see this new creation, by golly, I WILL so see the rocket ship! I will help build the next one. Staying home is not glamorous. I am constantly making one mess and cleaning another. The house is actually being USED! Oh my goodness! It used to just get come home to!  

At least 5 times a day I am privileged to hear a tiny voice say, "Mama? I love you." And I am also blessed to have my big first-grader invite me to come have lunch with him, to think I am cool, and to tell me having his mom sub his class would be "the coolest thing ever!"

I decided today, just a few hours ago really, that I will still plan for my future (aka job hunt/network) an hour or two a day, but that it will be scheduled into and around my day with Isaiah, and be finished for the day before my Matthew comes home. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. There may be a reason that jobs are scarce right now. I have a son about to enter full days of kindergarten in the Fall, and this is the first time I have ever been truly HOME with him since he was an infant. Funny how teaching jobs begin in the Fall too, isn't it? While I am not giving up on subbing, nor on applying for the few jobs that are available...I have also come to an understanding with myself. I am not a lazy person. I am not going to feel guilty. I am not "over-educated" or "over-qualified" any more than my home could be "over-clean" or I could be "over-involved" with my sons. I am going to embrace this time and live in the present. I am going to fingerpaint, do science experiments with my kids (instead of in a classroom), read to them, volunteer to help Matt's teacher, and be the best freaking stay-at-home mom and wife my family has ever seen, and never anticipated. Thank you God, for the wake-up call. 

Grrrrr!!!

I couldn't think of a better title for this post, a better title to describe what is going through my head and heart lately. I am so frustrated these days, but it is no-one's fault but my own. Leave it to me to decide I want to be a teacher at the worst possible time of year. There are no jobs, or let me rephrase, there are a handful of jobs that are unexpectedly open mid-year, and far too many applicants like myself that for one reason or another find themselves looking mid-year. There is a cycle of hiring with teachers. Contracts at schools will be offered in March-April, and the powers that be will decide what positions (if any) they need to fill the following school year. They will post the jobs in April-June, interview during the summer, and the new jobs will begin in August. This is just how it works in education, and I am no stranger to the process. I have applied to 6 jobs in education, including 2 that I am overqualified for, and 1 that I didn't quite meet the qualifications for. I have heard back from one (the one I wasn't qualified for), that they have chosen someone else-I am not surprised since I never even interviewed. It is just very slow going on the end I am on. I am currently on 4 substitute teacher lists, and have been for 2 weeks, and have gotten not one single request. Part of me is okay with that since the idea of getting an assignment at the last minute and then figuring out how to get Isaiah to my dad and myself to the school in time could potentially be problematic in and of itself. I have encountered the entire spectrum of reactions from people being really excited that I am not leaving education, to complete lack of any civilized response from people I truly liked and thought the feeling was mutual. If it weren't for the fact that my old students treat me like I have celebrity status, I would seriously begin to question my own sanity or if I was even good in the first place. 

I am making contacts at new schools and districts, hoping to become a friendly face for when they have openings. I made the cutest little "goody bags" for teachers with my new business card, biscotti and tea to drum up sub jobs. I am hoping to also learn the library system for Sweet Home School District, because I hear they are often short subs who can fill in for the Librarian. I have even applied for completely unrelated jobs recently, such as a job for the state, and am thinking about applying for a job at Barrett's company in the sales division. Why? I guess because when I decided to go back to work, it means that I want to find something, anything that is at all palatable. 

When I left my job back in August, it was to go to school full-time, and because I changed my mind, the school prospects for what I am thinking I may pursue do not begin again until this coming August. I have never been out of work before this summer, for more than just my maternity leaves for the past 11 years, and it is such a weird feeling. On one hand, I think I can just enjoy my time with Isaiah until the Fall when I will hopefully have a new teaching job. On the other hand, I don't want my partner to think I am not even looking for jobs. Daily I am grateful that we are okay. Barrett does well for us, and though me having an income would certainly help, it is not absolutely necessary nor panic-inducing at this point in time. Though...I am so sorry to him that I put us here in the first place. 

My biggest update is that I really liked a university down in Eugene that I met with. Have I already told you this? Anyhow, it has a program that  would allow me to not only get my school counseling license, but also to become a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and to work in a practice setting or eventually for myself should I go that route. I think the idea is fantastic. School counseling is what interests me more, but often due to budgets, the jobs can be very competitive to get into. This gives to separate options when I complete the program, plus I could always teach too...

Rough Times

I am having a rough day today. Have you ever been completely paranoid that an entire group of people are blacklisting you? I have left every job I have had in the past 12 years on very good terms, yet when I have tried reaching out to people (with the exception of just a few, and thank God for them!), I have gotten very poor results. I don't understand. While some people I was asking for recommendations from (which is normal to expect from previous supervisors and colleagues), some I was asking nothing of. I was just trying to check in, establish that we still had some connection, and be friendly. I am not sure why that is wrong. I would be happier with a cursory response than none whatsoever. I completely don't understand not responding to someone at all. You get a phone call-you call back. You get a text-you text back. You get an email-you write back. Barrett tells me not everyone has that philosophy. Well, apparently. He asked me if I responded to every message I had ever gotten on Match.com during my short time on. I said yes, I had. I always figured it was better to say I wasn't interested than to leave someone hanging. He was impressed. Come to think of it, I was actually thanked by men I had let down. :) 

Not having a job when you want one can do wonders for lowering your self-esteem. Jobs in education mid-year are always scarce, but it is still very discouraging. I'd love to get some calls, some interviews, even if nothing comes of it. I know that I just have to trust that God has a plan. I also have to trust that maybe the lack of responses from old "friends" means they were never really that. 

I know that I have changed my mind about careers. I know that I have not always been 100% committed to things, but I have also had a lot of change in my life, and I needed to get things straight. I am trying to think that this is a positive thing. Please, if you pray, say a little prayer for me. I know that I need to be humble, and accept that I may have to start over, but I also have to hold my head high so I don't crumble entirely. Holding my head high right now is very much a struggle. 

Pros & Cons

My decision to return to education has had periods of crazy activity and complete lulls. Let's face it, there are very few positions open mid-way through a school year. That being said, I have applied to three positions in the Springfield area, and one position for an online school (that could be kind of cool, right?). After today I will be on two substitute lists, though both are pretty small districts, and in the process of getting on two more. I even applied for a job with the state as a social worker (my Bachelor's degree qualifies me), and I would take it if offered, and see what that was like. It's for being the person that places children in different homes. What do I want to do? Honestly, I want my former employer to offer me a position, even a part-time one. A part-time teaching position would be amazing, though very hard to come by, as it really only works with teaching single subject (middle/high school), or something else pretty specialized usually.

I have my sub bag ready to go, and my binder full of information. If you have subbed before, maybe you can give me some pointers. Do I hand out business cards, leave little goodies? How have you networked before to be a preferred sub that gets lots of calls?

I met with Northwest Christian University yesterday about possibly enrolling in their school counseling program. It is a two-year program, and at the end I would hold a second Master's degree and a state license for school counseling. The thing that I thought was really cool was that if I take an additional four classes and do extra internship hours at the end, I can also graduate with a state license to be a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and have the option as well to do adult counseling in a practice and/or eventually on my own. Truth be told, I am way more interested in school counseling, because I want to work with students and schools, but still, how awesome is that?! I laughed and told Barrett that I guess I will just collect degrees, but in all honesty, it would be great to have 3 degrees and 3 state licenses, making three completely different (but definitely intertwined) careers available. I could teach, counsel students, or counsel, not to mention all the other possible job titles that would work for working college level, like admissions counselor, career counselor, program director to name a few.

 OR....







So...pros and cons?

Pros:                                                                                  Cons:                                                             
-I like being a student                                                          -being a student for 2-2 1/2 more years
-deferred student loans & ability to get loans for program     -borrowing even more on student loans
-job possibilities                                                                  -would I look overqualified?
-the classes look amazingly interesting                                  -the internship requirement makes working  
-I could work as I study                                                          full-time the second year pretty impossible

That's the latest. :)
Hope your day is amazing!

There is No Chance...

I have little to say today, so I am going to let the words of our church's speaker this morning speak for me. It could not have been a better sermon. Having no paper in my purse, I hurriedly took out a paint card sample and scrawled them down. These words spoke to the very core of my heart and all that is going on inside me and in my life right now.

"God is personally weaving every circumstance in your life...there is no chance, no happenstance-you are being funneled to be exactly where you are supposed to be."

"Every microdecision has lead me to where I am."

"Move in the direction you experience LIFE."

Love it! Maybe these words can meet you where you are at today as well.

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

I finally know peace. 

It has taken me many years to "find myself" (I guess I was pretty lost!). I have spent tons of time, money, heartache and both good and bad decisions trying to find my perfect calling. I have worried, cried, and quite frankly annoyed people with my quest. At 31, I rang in the New Year by giving in to God.

You see, I thought that the choices I had made had actually been made for me. I chose a career in teaching because I wanted a college degree, and it just so happened that I could pursue that path and continue to work full-time. Another huge deciding factor for me was that I was married (at the time anyway) to a police officer, and I wanted one of us to have a "normal" schedule, a schedule where I could be home for dinner each night and there to take care of the boys on weekends, evenings and holidays. How funny that now I have come to truly value just those things. When I went through my divorce, one of the things that I was the most bitter about was the fact that I felt I had missed out on pursuing what I had really dreamed of. I had instead chosen a dream that was logical, a dream that worked. Unlike most (normal) kids, I worried about and planned for my future tirelessly. I dreamed big, and always imagined doing something really great-something that mattered. The dream changed frequently as I matured, but at times I was to be a doctor, a lawyer or veterinarian. Out of high school I was to be a pharmacist. But as I said, life happens, choices are made, and the journey continues. 

When I remarried, Barrett told me that now was my chance. If I wanted a year or two off to pursue something else-we could do that. Instead of weighing every option endlessly like in the past, I thought quickly and then jumped in feet first. I felt too old to be a doctor, but maybe I could be a nurse. 

During the past six months that I have been not working, I have had many ups and downs. I have enjoyed (for the most part) the extra time with my kids, time to clean and cook, and time to read and study. I threw myself into the final nursing prereqs, and dreamed of the new life I would have in a few years. I didn't allow myself to look back too often. Sometimes the voice that matters most is the quiet one inside our hearts-the voice we can only hear if we really stop and want to listen. Something changed inside me over my Christmas break from classes. The quiet voice was incessant. I missed teaching, missed education in general, and I missed (so much it hurt) the interaction with my kids-not my boys, but my other kids-all over 200 different kids that I have had the pleasure to teach in the past 4 years. On the very cusp of applying to nursing school, I realized I just didn't care if I got in. I realized in a conversation that never even happened, with a man at church asking what Barrett and I did, that in my heart I knew the answer. I was, am and maybe will always be...a teacher.

First I felt foolish. It has been an interesting road, and I have given up perhaps the "perfect" job in my search to discover myself. In hysterical tears I shared my heart with the man I love. If I ever wanted to know what unconditional love was, this is it. There was no blame, no anger, no I told you so, but instead a man telling me that he was proud of me that I had finally found my calling. Ironically I joked, "And I'm already qualified!" I have decided that leaving my job was not a mistake, except for in the fact that I doubt I can have it back. Through leaving I discovered that I no longer feel like a career was chosen for me. I no longer resent my past or any missed opportunities. I feel calm in the fact that God knew what He was doing all along. And now...I make the decision, I choose to teach.

I do not know where I will end up, or where I will go in education, but I know that I am now 100% committed. 

Look out boys and girls! She's BACK!