Monday, December 30, 2013

In 2014

It's that time of year when everyone starts thinking of ways that they can be better in the year to come. Does the New Year refresh you? It does me, and for me it has double meaning in that every New Year's Day I celebrate another birthday. I have always been one for a resolution or two for the upcoming year, have you? I think that many people are drawn to this time of year because it gives us a chance to start over, at least symbolically, and I know that everyone could use a fresh start now and then. In my head, I even tend to take things to the extreme-I ask myself if I could move somewhere I have never been (with my family of course!) and start fresh, what would matter to me? Is it sad how appealing that idea can be at times? Do any of you readers ever have that same thought?


I turn 32 this New Year's Day, and have some other milestones I am reminded of. I have been out of high school for 14 years this year (wow!!!). My first baby will be 9 this year, and my little one will be 6. I will have been divorced for 3 years, and married to Barrett for 3 years as well (come this summer). I left teaching in 2012, as well as moved to our new home then, and earned my CNA license in 2013. This blog started in the summer of 2012, and has surpassed 10,000 views! :) There's some history for you. I encourage you to make a timeline of your life, and I bet you'll enjoy reminiscing over accomplishments. 

Last year my New Year's Resolution was very simple: to be a better mom and wife by being happier. That's it. For the most part, I actually think I accomplished it-though it would've depended on the day I suppose!

For 2014, I have some thoughts. I woke up this morning for the first morning in a long time feeling absolutely inspired, feeling grounded, and feeling like I could take on the world. It's a great feeling, and here are some of the thoughts I have had about who I should be in the year to come: 


In 2014...

  •  I am conforming less to others' ideals of beauty and embracing my own sense of style as well as the beauty that comes from being simply comfortable with myself. 
  • I am owning both the complexity and often inconvenience of my dreams, and embracing them both as part of my journey.
  • I am getting in better touch with my own spirituality because I want to-not out of guilt or requirement.
  • I am loving my body and taking care of it by doing more of the healthy things that I enjoy, and letting go of the guilt about not doing the things I dislike. 
  • I will think more, but doubt less. Fear has no room in my heart with dreams this big.
  • I will allow myself to make mistakes, and room to try things and decide I don't like them. (How else will I know?)
  • I will understand that though my family is my #1 priority, not only is it okay, but it is necessary for me to cultivate interests of my own and find a handful that belong to me. 
  • I will dream dreams that may seem difficult to attain to outsiders, but I will put them into action by having a plan (and another plan, etc.).
  • I will commit myself to giving time to an organization that I truly care about.
  • I will travel more, experience more, but shop less. 
  • I will know that I am a paradox of many things (introverted but a people person, determined but indecisive, intelligent but sometimes naive), and instead of feeling guilty about these, I will embrace and hone my strengths. )If curious, this is me to a T)-Portrait of an INFJ
"The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last." ― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

Want to know my dreams?  Think you know them all? (I bet you don't!) Ahhh...but that is another topic another day. 

Cheers for now
-Sarah

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Calm Before the Storm

It is one of those blessed lazy days that strike every once in a blue moon when there is nothing, and I mean nothing on the calendar. I slept until after 8 AM (this doesn't happen often), and proceeded to have coffee and read until finally showering around 10:45, and slipping into comfy leggings and a long sweater. The outfit is not quite enough to wear outside the home (despite flocks of women that seem to wear tights as pants and then wander public places together in groups...), but it is comfy and cute and definitely okay to wear with just myself, my husband, a dog and a cat present. 

Last night as Barrett and I sighed in relief after dropping the kids off with their dad then going out together, we realized the glorious news that we had an entire weekend with nothing at all planned. After the hustle and bustle of Christmas, out-of-state visitors, etc, etc, etc, we had had things planned every day for what must have been at least the past 3 weeks or so. "It almost gives you a feeling of panic, like there must be something you are forgetting about," Barrett said. I'm almost sure we haven't forgotten anything. :) 

I am lapping up all the laziness and snuggles, and comfort this weekend has to offer. I almost feel like it is the calm before the storm, the lull before the busyness begins again, as it no doubt will next week as I am home with the kids, and have my 32nd birthday, and have a car once again in the shop (sigh-my orange beauty is showing her years). I wait to hear about one possibility of a job that I could maybe love (maybe?) or to plan for CNA 2 and nursing school admissions and the hopes that hang on those. Barrett loses his work-at-home day for at least the next 3 months as he fills yet another role in his company (GRRRRRRR!!! Is all I have to say to that, as his once flexible job becomes anything but for hopefully just a short while), and I know the kids will bring busyness galore with whatever random school and scouts adventures happen to come up. 

So here's to the break. I hope that you too can be blessed soon with a day where nothing is planned. 

Monday, December 23, 2013

Merry Christmas! 2013 At a Glance (Our Christmas Newsletter)

I have decided that I like this venue more than the sending out of traditional photo Christmas cards. For one thing, it saves me time and money (yes, please), and for another, anyone can read it that wants to. 

2013 has been a year that has taught this family, and yours truly especially, that life rarely goes as planned. Reading my Christmas post from last year, I thought how neat and organized our lives and plans sounded. Ha! Shortly after my blog post (which you may remember from other posts later), Barrett's grandmother was hospitalized, our yellow lab died, and I freaked out about changing careers and bowed out of the CNA program. I spent the remainder of last spring and summer being home with our boys, and loving it often. We have watched our German Shepherd puppy go from being a complete nuisance to quite the good family dog. Barrett's grandparents moved up to be with us in August, and after a few months of them staying in a new 5th wheel trailer while we planned and got construction bids on adding onto our home, they decided to move instead to a home in Lebanon. I re-took and finished my CNA certification, and loved it. I also did a very short stint with Samaritan Health Services in the billing department, and the job proved to be a bad choice for our family for many reasons. 

Isaiah began kindergarten in the fall, and much to my delight his teacher says he is doing well and is such a bright boy (I knew that part!). :) He is learning to read, is a whiz at math, and most days seems to really enjoy school. This year we went sledding and there were no broken bones! Seems he has now mastered the jumping off the sled before you hit a tree trick! :) Zay is amazingly fun, insanely cute, and has enough personality for 4 people, let alone one 5 year-old boy. Oh, and he loves getting to ride the bus to school with his big brother now!

Matthew continues to do well in school as a second-grader now at Central Linn Elementary. He has many friends, and even a little "girlfriend" (ha!).  He loves soccer, swimming, and anything Mario (we only let him play Wii games, because they seem so much less violent than other console games, so Mario it is, plus we play as a family and limit his time!). Matt is going to eat us out of house and home far before he is a teenager, and he gives Barrett his breakfast "order" each night before bed for the next day. This year Matthew has joined Cub Scouts, and we are impressed so far with the amount of activities he "has" to do that encourage family time, faith, and independence. 



Barrett has seen a few changes at his job, as he has been moved around this past year to fill various roles, such as editing technical documents and being a team "Tech Lead" to help co-workers solve and stay on top of their cases. It remains a great job for this family. I have to brag on my husband who would never brag on himself, but this past year with diet and exercise he has lost 30 pounds, and is feeling much healthier. 

Together we are doing wonderful, and did get to see a great vacation to Cozumel, Mexico this past April. You can read about that here: Snorkeling with Stingrays and Sea Turtles. We also have a trip coming this February to Oahu, as well as a family vacation to Great Wolf Lodge as well as to Seattle during Spring Break. Can't wait! And I know next summer or fall we are going to California finally to see my family and maybe a few theme parks!

I remain the confused, mysterious one. Just kidding-well, kind of. Ever since before I even left teaching it has been a decision of teaching versus nursing. Actually that has been a conundrum since my freshman year in college. I can tell you that I still think about both. That I can, and am applying to nursing programs this winter for next fall, but I am also considering other paths in education, such as adding a special education endorsement to my teaching license (to work with special education students at the high school level) down the road. Right now, it is about 50-50. Until I know, I may sub or work-part-time as a CNA, or both...or neither. I wish I knew what my future holds, but some plans, even now as I write are still too up in the air to share. I should have some idea by January, and even more of an idea and some finality by June.  I am content this year though in the fact that I am confident good things are coming. I have made a few friends this year that I am glad to know, have gained new skills, and am starting to learn that life isn't always meant to be planned 100% of the way. 


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from our home to yours!

Friday, December 20, 2013

10 Things I Won't Apologize For

I saw another blog this morning with a list of 10 things that the writer felt, believed, or simply was with that title: "10 Things I Won't Apologize For", and I thought that I need to write my own out as well. What a great exercise in defining the things that matter to you (whether silly or serious), and sharing it with others. I would love to see your list, and if you can't think of 10, give me 5, or 3! I enjoy reading other responses. 

So here it goes. These are 10 things that I will not apologize for. :)

1. The fact that Barrett and I spend LOTS of time together.
I have surprisingly gotten many negative comments in the past on the fact that my husband and I are pretty inseparable when we can be. We love being together and will both gladly choose to accompany the other in doing just about anything so that we can be together. We go to bed at the same time at night, we choose hanging with each other over hanging with friends quite a bit, and we text A LOT. I have heard comments such as "You two are attached at the hip", "You should do things apart more often" (to this I say why?), and "it's just a phase-you're newlyweds"-and to this I say we have known each other for 3 years this January, and if anything, we spend even more time together. How long are people considered newlyweds for??  Google and Yahoo both say 1 year. This is the way we choose to be a couple. With the exception of the boys and maybe 20 relatives and/or friends, we'd both be happy on a deserted island away from the world. I have no problem with how much time you and your significant other spend together or apart-and that being said, I will not apologize for the time mine and I spend together. 

2. That expensive coffee is simply better for me. 
Last summer I gave up coffee (eek!!!) because I was having major stomach issues that I attributed to it after cutting out everything else first (I did not want to give up coffee). In the last few months I have been drinking coffee again, and have discovered something. The "gourmet" flavored coffee grounds versus Folgers in a huge can, do not upset my stomach (and this explains the years I drank it just fine)-but the cheaper grounds do...a lot. So be it, my coffee costs a bit more, but doesn't make me sick for hours on end each morning, and I will take that. We think it is due to the level of acidity, and could also explain why the "fancy $4 coffees" from like Starbucks, etc. also do not upset my stomach.

3. That I like pretty things. 
I realize it sounds air-headed, but I am not sorry. Pretty clothes, jewelry, makeup, shoes, purses, scarves, fresh flowers, and home decor items make me happy. I do not go overboard, BUT yes, retail therapy does indeed work wonders for me. 'Nuff said. 

4. That I talk to my pets. 
Does anyone NOT do this?? I have entire conversations with Max and Clarissa, though not Mr. Fishy or the chickens (hey, I have my limits). Mind you, these are not serious conversations, but I do indeed talk to them. I think it's good, and they seem to like it. :)

5. That I am fiercely protective of my loved ones, and the causes I care about.
I am not an easy-going person, surprise there, but I am easy to get along with for the most part. But you threaten my boys' sense of security in any way, speak bad about my parents or my Barrett, or in rarer (but indeed possible) cases argue against one of the few hot topics that I really have an opinion on (education, abortion, animal rescue, and the right to a dignified death to name a few...), and I will come at you like an avenging angel/banshee on fire, screeching all the way, claws ready. And I am not sorry for that. We should all have passions we would fight for. 

6. That I don't care about politics. 
I know, I am almost afraid to write that. I DO care about being informed (but not overly so), and I mostly care about just living a good life, a life that I can be proud of when it comes to the end. I will admit that in some cases that can overlap with what is going on politically, and that is normally when I become interested. But every issue, every lying politician, every possible change to laws, taxation, etc...I just don't really care. 

7. That though I am a reader girl, I will read what I like. 
I am not a classics girl. I cannot tell you the number of times I have decided to read a classic novel, and not been able to get through the first few chapters without feeling like I was dying from boredom. I used to actually feel really guilty about this. I like my literature as far from reality as it comes. I love YA dystopic fiction.  I love to read, and I read to escape, so I will not apologize for choosing the likes of Harry Potter, Sookie Stackhouse, Clary Fray, and the House of Night books over classic lit. Now, that being said, there are some great "classic-ish?" novels that I have loved such as Brave New World.  Also, as part of this, I will not spend time trying to finish a book I just am not enjoying. Life is too short.

8. The fact that I will likely never be a size 2 again.
I have talked about some weight struggles on here before, and I am proud to say that through Weight Watchers I have lost 16 pounds since the end of summer. I will also admit that I could likely have lost 20-25, but I LOVE food, and I am within a healthy weight range again. So, yeah...I will give up the dreams of being size 2 for a size 6 that has food she likes within reason. ;)

9. My belief that exercise is like a huge multivitamin. 
By this I mean that there are certain things we do simply because they are good for us, but not necessarily because we enjoy them. I do not love exercising. Usually I loathe it. Sometimes I am glad I did it...but honestly, I will take the couch and a good book any day over the treadmill. I won't always choose that though, because like green beans, exercise is good for me...but I don't have to like it. For those of you that love to run (this is alien to me), I am happy for you, but I am also not sorry that I don't have any aspirations, ever (EVER) of running in a marathon. Ever. Okay, you get my point. 

But I would be happy to hike, Rollerblade, swim, or walk with you.

10. My supposed lack of direction.
I just left a job after 2 1/2 weeks. I should likely be sorry for this, but I am not. I am a grown woman, and it is up to me to make decisions on things that work for my family and things that don't-as well as what works for me. I am qualified to teach as well as to be a nursing assistant. I can build on my education in either direction or not at all. I used to really have guilt about not knowing what I should do with my life, but lately I am much calmer about this. I have many options, and you never know where I might end up. Every twist and turn has taught me something about myself as well as about others, and when I do decide what path to take this information with be incredibly valuable. Oh, and I am more than welcome to change my mind. I am a woman after-all, and one with many interests. 

What 10 things will you not apologize for?

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

And to this I say: I don't know...

Hi there! I know it has been awhile yet again since I have written. Life has had many ups and downs lately and so many momentous decisions made behind the scenes. I couldn't even begin to share all of what has transpired in the last month or so in my life. That sounds all dramatic, and I don't mean to be so-but it has been a lot. In October I finished my CNA 1 class. At the beginning of November I tested and passed to now be a certified nursing assistant. Also in November I began job searching. The plan at the time was that RN school was still 9 months away IF I got in the first try. I decided that I needed a job, preferably part-time, and it could be anything. I applied at Barnes and Noble, the local Safeway, for all kinds of clerical jobs with Samaritan Health Services, for in home health care and even for a teaching position open mid-year. 

If you follow me on Facebook, you will know that I thought I had rocked the teacher interview-only to find out that I was a "close second" choice, and the position had gone to someone else. I will admit that I was crushed, and is the "close second" thing supposed to make me feel better? I had visions of me in the job-probably highly romanticized, but still...I obtained a job with New Horizons right away, but then after orientation didn't pick up any shifts (purposely) because I was waiting to hear about the other job interviews. After 2 interviews and a long THREE weeks that seemed to stretch forever (and give me LOTS of time to think), I was offered a full-time position with Samaritan. The job is clerical, I will have my own cubicle, and be part of team of 6 women who also analyze insurance claims, overdue accounts, etc. I know it doesn't necessarily sound super adventurous, but I am looking forward to the office environment, the ladies (who I have met and liked...at least so far, lol), and just being and feeling professional and productive again. It is good hours with benefits and okay pay, and opportunities to make more, have more responsibilities and cross-train. Oh, and they will honor the 2 vacations we have planned (Hawaii in February, and Great Wolf Lodge with the kiddos in March). While I am not looking forward to 5 whole days a week (I know, I know...), I am looking forward to the job. 

What does this mean, you may ask? I left a career to go into nursing. I have a BS, an MS, and now CNA 1, and a pretty, little office job to begin soon. Well you know that whole gap of over 3 weeks with lots of decisions? Yeah, the tip of the iceberg is that we (again) talked about a baby, and NO we are not planning on having one now (or ever), but felt it needed to truly be discussed and put to rest...and you might be surprised that that very decision right there could have easily been flipped the other way.  We talked in depth about teaching careers, but I stand by my thoughts that at least for me, it was not family friendly. To be a truly great teacher meant too much time without my own family. It meant hours upon hours grading and planning for 6 different courses! That helped me also to feel better about the job offer I didn't get, because I had prayed incessantly, and well, maybe God agrees with me on that one. It's hard to explain how much I wanted it, but yet didn't at the same time. We talked and prayed, and talked some more about nursing as a career for me. The thing is that I want it, but I do not want the probable nights, long shifts, weekend and holiday work. My prerequisites are complete...drum-roll please, but we do not know what that will mean for me in the future. We even discussed alternatives, like Medical Assisting because of the more family-friendly hours. For every tear I shed (and there were many), I prayed even more. I want to do the right thing-and that means it's not just about what I want. 

I have again changed.  At first I was disappointed when I realized I felt unmotivated about future possibilities. I have always had SO much drive, but my priorities have sometimes put my own goals first and my children (and husband) second. I feel that my degrees, education, or even ambition pale in comparison to how very important it is to me to be here for my family. So let it be said that after talking God's ear off for the past month (as well as Barrett's), this job helps us in a number of ways. I was honest in my interview as far as that I do not know what my future plans hold-that really depends on a lot of things, especially how happy I am at the job, but I am an excellent worker and will do my very best for as long as I am part of the team. 

I know where I will be come next Monday, and I feel that this is the most right path for us at this moment. Sometimes what makes a good job is your availability outside work.  So where will I be in the future? I have asked myself this very question.  And to this I say-I don't know, but I am going to enjoy the journey.



Monday, November 11, 2013

Of Cubicles and Classrooms...

With today being a holiday, I am trying to not be quite so anxious. It is a waiting game, and I have a definite liking problem with waiting. I tend to be more of a "good things come to those who hunt them down" kind of a person than "good things come to those who wait." Just sayin'. 

About 2 weeks ago I decided that I needed a job. Isaiah has adjusted surprisingly well to kindergarten, and I have to wait until February to apply to the RN program which if I got in (BIG if) doesn't start until next Fall-as in a year away. This girl has moments she loves being at home, and moments that she's so stir-crazy she'd happily come clean and organize YOUR home (because this one is done), lol. So I set out to find a job. I got hired the same day for an in-home healthcare company, and I took it, as a CNA 1, but....I wasn't given any hours at first, and then I began applying to other things. I have heard good and bad about the company itself, so technically I am an employee that has so far only been paid for orientation. I have told them I will come in end of this week (if nothing else pans out). See, I set the hours I wanted to work, and there weren't many clients within those needs, so I'd be getting like 10 hours a week. 

I applied and interviewed for an Account Analyst position with Samaritan corporate offices in Corvallis. It is similar to work I had done in the past at the dental office. It is pretty good hours, full-time, better pay than a CNA, and the interview seemed to go pretty well. I find out about that job this week sometime. 

I also applied and interviewed for a teaching position in Sweet Home, that is great hours, even better pay, and 4 days a week! The interview went very well, and I should hear by this Wednesday or Thursday (I am hoping for tomorrow though). The position is in Alternative Education, and is as a teacher/tutor to students that are making up credits. There is a cute little classroom with attached office and bathroom, and I can just FEEL the potential! I want this job the most, but I am unsure if it will leave me wanting to stay in education again (??) or not. 

My last plan is that I am scheduled to be in the CNA 2 class in December, something I obviously won't do if hired at either job, but something I will do if not. Then I can apply to hospital CNA jobs after December, and gain great experience. I hate not knowing, but all plans are pretty feasible, so wish me luck! :)

Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Witching Hour

What's your "witching hour" like? If you are a parent, no doubt you have heard this term used in reference to none other than your own sweet children. If you haven't heard this term, let me explain. When my sons were littler (infant and toddler...eek!), the witching hour was that time in the evening when it isn't quite dinner time yet, definitely not bedtime, too late for nap-time, and the children are tired, fussy and no doubt underfoot while you try to be productive by cooking said dinner, opening mail, straightening up the house...whatever.  I will admit to lots of help from my parents during this time of day (we all lived together then) and lots of...ahem....cartoons. Yes, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was a Godsend when dinner needed to be made! 

Last night I am starting dinner, and laughing to myself as the witching hour descends upon my house. I always tell Barrett that I cannot talk or text much after the kids get off the bus before he gets home. Why? Because it is plain craziness this time of day! Last night I congratulated myself with a pat on my super-woman caped shoulders for being patient, efficient, friendly and mommy-like while only snapping at a child once (Mind you this is when I was pouring pancake batter on the griddle, listening to Matt's pj day plight, and Isaiah asks for a glass of water-which he does darn well how to get for himself). 

For illustration purposes, and reminders of what you have already been through or have yet to conquer as a parent, last night looked something like this. I am cooking breakfast for dinner, and have turkey bacon sizzling in the pan and banana cinnamon (my specialty) pancakes laid out on the griddle when the witching hour begins. Here come two hyper boys off the "rabbit bus" (called so because of the pink rabbit picture on it). Matthew is in a complete, close to meltdown tizzy (my sweet husband says he gets this from me, lol!) as he comes in. 

"Mom, my class earned a pajama day tomorrow and we get to bring stuffies to school and everything...BUT I have to wear my Cub Scout uniform for the assembly!" My sweet child is near tears as Mom comes up with the plan that he take jeans and his uniform shirt and wear pjs, and just ask his teacher nicely if he can change for the assembly. Ah...disaster #1 diverted.  Just then a panicked Isaiah comes running into the kitchen from his room. He had been quietly munching on Angry Bird cheese crackers. "Mom?! Can you please feed my fish when I'm at school? I keep forgetting!" It is all I can do not to burst out laughing. Isaiah remembers to feed his poor fish like once a week, does he really think Mr. Fishy has managed to live this long on those measly rations?! I feed the poor, dumb fish daily. But I smile and tell Zay that yes, Mama can feed his fish when he is gone. I send the boys off to do their daily after-school tasks which is mainly emptying their backpacks (making sure I get anything I need to see), laying out school clothes for tomorrow, showering, reading homework in the kitchen with me, and maybe a chore or two-yesterday they had clean laundry to put away. It is the same everyday, but each day you'd think I made this routine up and pulled it out of my magic hat as I try to herd the little kittens into their duties. 

Matt (who is supposed to be cleaning the toilet-a chore we taught him that he hates) sidles up to me in the kitchen. "I got a part in the Holiday program." Me: "you did? that's great Hun. Did you have to try out?" "No, I just told my teacher I wanted one." Me: "What are you?" "Either a reindeer, a dinosaur, or Santa." Me: "That's awesome Matt." Then I think to myself why the heck are there dinosaurs in a Christmas program? At this time Isaiah hears talk of the program and comes running back into the kitchen to sing part of a song for me. I listen, laugh, then herd the children back to their tasks as I flip pancakes and start to make the made-to-order eggs. Sometimes it's scary how much like me Matthew is. He must have been on the same track in his mind, because he appears again to me out of his room. "Mom, the Christmas program is not very Christmassy. There's all these dumb songs about other things, and none about Jesus." Me: "Well at least you boys know the true meaning of Christmas." Him: "Yeah, it's just weird to sing about dinosaurs at Christmas
time." I could not agree more. He runs off to clean the toilet and calls out "Do I have to clean the inside?" Wow. I am laughing as I say "yes, that's the most important part." The witching hour includes Isaiah bringing me a book that we HAVE to read tonight, as well as 3 items of clothes that he just can't fold (but wants Mom to do for him). Matthew tells me his hair is getting too long, and that he needs a "buttload of cheese" on his eggs and we momentarily ponder what exactly a "buttload" is, and Isaiah insists that he needs a bubble bath, not a shower, so that he can be a crocodile in the tub. Oh, and he also needs me to get down his octopus decoration that he made in craft class last summer, as it needs to go to Show and Tell. 

Somehow, miraculously, one hour later when Barrett pulls up at home, dinner is warm and ready on the table. The boys are in their pjs doing reading homework, and the chaos has died down significantly. You;d have never known the absolute madness that existed only moments before. What is your witching hour like?

Monday, November 4, 2013

I'll Take My 30's Any Day

During this month of gratitude, I enjoy reading about the things that people are thankful for, as well as sharing my own blessings. Some people may find this annoying, but I admit that I truly smile for those that have so much to be thankful for, as I know that I too, have many thanksgivings in my own life. 

In a few short months I will turn 32, and I can say adamantly, without a single doubt, that I will take my 30's any day over being back in my 20's or (Heaven forbid, my teens!). These really are the best years so far. When I look back at pictures of my younger self, I see a pretty girl, awkward as can be, and full of self-consciousness. When I look in the mirror now though, I see a woman that has hurt, and been hurt, loved, and been loved, and above all someone who has learned many things (with many more to come!). The woman I see now has a few wrinkles and crinkles around her eyes starting to show, a few faded stretch marks and scars from being a mommy, and a few extra pounds here and there. You know what though? She is more beautiful, confident and happy than ever before. 

At 31, I love my life. I love my family, my boys, my home, and myself. In my 30's I have learned that what I think of myself matters more than what others think. I have learned that happy moms have happier children, and that a Saturday spent looking for adventures and making messes is far more productive than cleaning my house (though I still want it clean!). I have learned that pets make more messes than children, but when they cuddle with you-it is still worth it. I have learned to humble myself. Our economy cares not a bit that I have two college degrees-I still have to work my tail off and sell myself if I want a job doing anything. I have learned that it is okay to be friends with my ex, to invite him and whoever he is seeing over to dinner, because it is good for our children to see us have a friendship, and good for our own souls for us to let things go and realize that we both could have done much better for one another but now we can with others. In my 30's I have learned that spirituality doesn't always happen in a church-it often happens in daily interactions with others, and through who we help and serve, and who changes us along the way.  I have learned to be honest with my children in all things, in hopes that they learn life is  not perfect, but it is good. 


My mother tried to teach me years ago that there is no such thing as a set plan. I drove her insane with my inflexibility at times, and my insistence that anything wanted bad enough could and would happen. Mom, if you are reading this, you were right. Letting go of my need for a perfect plan has made me a better person. As I type today, I have many things up in the air being juggled. I am waiting for test results to see if I passed my CNA 1 certification exam. I am wondering if I should progress to CNA 2 and look for a hospital job. I am an employee (technically) for an in-home health organization, though I am holding off on accepting my first few clients until I know about some other things. I have applied to be a medical office secretary, and I have also applied for a teaching position that I am hoping to get an interview for. My plans right now are pretty darn amorphous. I have no idea which way things will shape up. I may get the teaching job and decide to stick with it, or a hospital job and continue going for my RN, or I could start taking prereqs to be a vet, a lawyer, or an astronaut (joking here). I guess what I am saying is that I do have a plan...but it is more like many plans, many paths, and they are all okay with me. I have a husband who loves me, boys that still think Mommy is a princess, time to spend with them all, and parents as well as grandparents that think the world of me. I'm doing ok-in fact, I am doing well.

 I'll take my 30's any day. 



Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Best Job for Moms? I've done my research, but I'd love your take!

It has not been until the last few years that I truly gave much consideration to being a "working mom." Since I have spent the past year or so not working, I can tell you how funny that phrase actually is. All moms work. Seriously. There have been days in the last year where I longed for previous jobs I have had because the hours at home and tasks at hand were more difficult, time-consuming, and emotionally draining than a typical day at work. So true. But I digress. I was a career woman first I guess, or college woman anyhow, before having kids. I was a few months pregnant with Matthew when I graduated with my BS, and had a newborn when I began teaching (still not sure how that first year didn't kill me!). Up until last year, when my littler boy was turning 5, I had always worked full-time with children. 

I definitely had my share of working mom stress and guilt, child-care decisions, and exhaustion, but for the most part I was really lucky. I am not sure this is typical. For 6 years I worked at an awesome dentist office for a very family friendly team, and had what I referred to as "teacher's hours." What was funny was that I then became a teacher, and "teacher's hours" were better at the dentist office where there were no parent-teacher conferences, piles of grading, or after-school "not really mandatory but mandatory" (if you get my drift?) events and meetings. Still though, I was lucky. On a typical day I was home before 5, had my children in tow and could make dinner. I have never worked a weekend in my life. Okay...that is technically a lie, because I always did grading and planning on weekends...but I never had to go to work. I have never worked a night-shift, haven't even worked an evening shift since I was a cashier at Wal-Mart when I was 18, and never a holiday. I get that not everyone is that lucky, and I am not rubbing it in. I am simply telling you that I didn't think balancing work with home was a terrible feat...because I was lucky. 

I say all this because the topic of best careers for mothers is on my mind a lot lately. It is true that I have thought about going back to teaching, because I have been there and I know how it works, and I am qualified. I don't think I am headed this route though. First off, I applied to over 19 jobs last summer and was granted 2 interviews, and no jobs. I was okay with this, as it was mostly a feeler for me on how the market is...well, the market is swamped. Secondly, and I say this with a grain of salt because there are some people out there who make this work wonderfully-teaching is not the best job for moms. I had never actually read an article that seconded my sentiment until today when I was reading all about great jobs for mothers. The writer said that friends had shared that teaching had too much work to be done off the clock (thus eating into family time), and that after being with children all day it was sometimes hard to be around the children at home. I found that to be very true. I think if I was a college professor maybe it would be different...


Graduating college and then going further with my teaching license and degree was what I clung to for years. It was my life-blood when my marriage was crumbling, so I know that a woman can accomplish anything she wants. Hindsight is 20/20 though. My lifeblood should have been my kids. Did you know that if I had it all to do over again, I'd probably have stayed at that dental office?  <Some women were offended at articles about motherhood and careers, saying that women should and can do anything they want. While I agree, I also think it is important to prioritize, and I no longer want my family on a back-burner.>

Today I scoured many articles on this subject. Some women said staying at home of course! Other women choose highly professional careers like being a doctor or a lawyer, because once established, they could be more available. Some chose home businesses, consulting or even design (frankly, I would LOVE to be an interior designer, but this is very economy based). Others still said nursing, medical office work and dental hygiene. Here are some great links if you are curious where your job falls (or what your next one should be!):



I want to be a nurse for many reasons, but one of the reasons I avoided it way back when was because I did not view it as family friendly. Maybe some of you can challenge that statement and reassure me? I do not desire to work nights, weekends, and holidays...well, ever. This is not read that I am unwilling, simply that I do not want to...there's a difference. I want to be here when my boys come home, never miss a soccer practice or game, a Boy Scout Pack meeting, or school function. They, are my priority. My husband is my priority. Right now, I continue to stay home, but it will not always be this way. I am almost certified as a CNA, and I am applying to nursing programs for next year, and I want them...I truly do, BUT I also want what is best for my sons as their mother, because I only get so many years here with them. 

And so right now I tread a line, a fine line between becoming a nurse (knowing full well I will be picky about hours and likely want part-time...but it'd be there for later when my boys are grown), or finding a career that I am likely overqualified for, but putting ego aside as I scoop up great hours and time off with my family (like a medical assistant). 

I think the best job for a mother, is being a mother, but I also know that life, finances, and personalities even make working outside the home necessary at times. In that case, I think the best job for a mom is one that doesn't interfere too much with being a mom. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts. What should have made the list, and what jobs made the list but really aren't that mom-friendly?

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Bucket List Accomplished...and the Anti-Bucket List :)

I also had to write to be thankful for the things that were (or should have been) on my bucket list that I have gotten to experience that are totally bucket list worthy. I encourage you to do this as well so that you can see how far you have come.

Things I have done that are bucket list worthy: 

  • watched the Perseid Meteor shower with my love
  • kayaked in the ocean in Cozumel
  • snorkeled (Maui, Cancun, and Cozumel)
  • hiked to a waterfall and swam underneath
  • kissed in the pouring rain
  • kissed in the falling snow
  • snow-sledding with myh kids
  • had children (thought I never wanted any...boy how I was wrong!)
  • married my best friend
  • shared romantic moments on the beach
  • watched fireworks from a high-rise hotel room in Seattle
  • Earned a college degree (or two)
  • night swimming
  • adopted (many) pets
  • owned a boat (and would love to again someday!)
  • visited Chichen Itza (Mayan ruins, Mexico)
  • Ridden a "death cab" through Mexico (anyone who has been there and ridden in a taxi there knows what I mean!)
  • Gotten lost on a city bus (Provo, Utah...remember this, Jill?)
  • Have my own egg-laying chickens (ha ha! But it is pretty cool)
  • Take care of a dying person and family in need
  • minister to pregnant women
  • tutor students who were falling behind
  • create a home
  • ride a jetski
  • swim with (and hold) stingrays
  • pet a baby leopard
  • get a tattoo
  • go to a concert
  • sampled escargot
And just for giggles, I have to share my Anti-Bucket List of things I never want to do...ever. 
  • Run a marathon. (I know lots of people who like doing this and I applaud them. Me? Not my idea of fun...at all.)
  • travel to the Middle East for Women's Studies
  • Study poisonous spiders
  • substitute teach (except maybe, maybe for my mom's class...and again I know people that like this-more power to ya!)
  • become a mathematician 
  • have twins (just the idea of 2 infants gives me the willies!)
  • give up caffeine, cheese or garlic. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

Bucket List Revised

Over the last few years I have given lots of thought to what all I would like to do, see and accomplish in my life. I made the visual version on Pinterest you can check out here: My List. My list is, of course, always changing. I removed the things I have done, and even though I had begun the list just over a year ago, I found that some of my priorities had changed. My husband laughs at me a bit, but I enjoy the process of detailing out my goals in life and the fun things I just HAVE to try. :)

On my list thus far: 

  • Become an RN.
  • Travel to Iceland. (Why? look at the pictures. Plus there is a geothermal lagoon that you can float in like a big spa while it snows around you. SO pretty!)
  • Travel to Bora Bora. Bungalow over turquoise water...yes please. 
  • Try parasailing. Looks fun. Might do in Oahu in February.
  • Take a spontaneous road trip with no planned destination. This goes against my OCD nature, but could be very fun.
  • Learn to ballroom dance.
  • Go on a cruise.
  • Take my sons to Hawaii.
  • Take my sons to Disneyland.
  • Ride a gondola in Venice. 
  • Float in the Dead Sea.
  • Be married to the same person for 50 years. Let's see...I will be 79. Totally possible!
  • Ride a two-person bike with my hubby.
  • Help design and decorate our dream home-log cabin!
  • Learn Sign Language.
  • Throw a dart at a map and travel to wherever it lands. 
  • Travel to every continent.
  • Travel to every state...only 41 more to go! I am not counting places I have just flown through/to.
    • Been to Oregon, Washington, California, Nevada, Idaho, Utah, Maryland, West Virginia, and Hawaii.
  • Sleep in a castle.
  • Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
  • Go white-water rafting.
  • Ride in a hot-air balloon.
  • Visit the Louvre. 
  • Go sailing.
  • Visit the pyramids.
  • Sky-diving.
  • Antarctic Cruise.
  • Study Astronomy. 

October Thanksgivings List

I love this time of year, I always have. The fall makes me feel alive and thoughtful, the colors in nature inspire me, and the weather that is turning brisk makes me long for cuddly family time. I read an article in Good Housekeeping the other night that said the act of writing out our blessings is a mood altering habit. It can take us from feeling blah about life to truly reveling in the life that we live. I tried that this morning, and I have to say that I agree. I took a simple notepad and pen, and titled the slip Things I am Thankful for This Month. I wanted to be super specific, and not just have it be about fall, but maybe take up a habit that could continue month-to-month. My list is below. What are some things you are thankful for in October? Perhaps you too, should make a list. 

  • pumpkin fields-entire fields of orange make me smile. 
  • anything pumpkin flavored: pumpkin bread, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin muffins...
  • colorful, falling leaves
  • my crock-pot that allows me to make cozy, family dinners effortlessly (and the whole house smells good!)
  • parent/teacher conferences-I get to see how my sons have been doing in school so far
  • happily sleeping cat, kitten, and dog co-existing
  • warm, fuzzy blankets
  • end of soccer season (I love soccer, but I love the down-time coming soon too!)
  • Christmas shopping for loved ones
  • Barrett's ability and willingness to pick up extra shifts to make the holidays a bit less financially scary!
  • my kids in soft, snuggly PJs
  • Boot and scarf weather-"nuff said
  • windy, foggy, and rainy days-I love the weather changes
  • warm teas, lattes and ciders
  • corn mazes
  • vacations on the horizon (my b-day in January and B's in February means we always go somewhere, plus by this time of year we have usually booked a couple getaway and a family trip to look forward to)




Saturday, October 12, 2013

Forever Changed

I know that I have not written in at least 3 weeks. I have been so busy with CNA classes and then clinicals, but I am now off for a few weeks until I go back to review and then state test at the end of the month. I may have a flair for the dramatic, but I need to say that this experience has left me forever changed. The last two weeks have opened my eyes to what nursing is about. I have experienced all conditions of the human soul, from anger to joy, defeat to untiring victory, and heart-brokenness to unyielding, never wavering love. I have cared for patients that have suffered from strokes, GI bleeds, heart surgeries, and cancer among other things. I wish everyone could have this experience. I swear that it has made me a kinder, calmer, and more patient person. 

There are of course awkward things, things you never imagined yourself doing. I still giggle as I remember the first shower I had to give to a man at the nursing home with my instructor watching, and how mortified I was as she instructed me to "Just pick up his penis and wash it." Wow. :) It's funny, because 2 weeks later, I don't even inwardly blanche at toileting and bathing complete strangers! 

Long Term Care
I found the nursing home to be both depressing at times, and lively at others. Seriously. While my heart ached for the residents that clearly did not want to be there or were so far gone they never attempted to communicate with you at all, my heart also swelled for the residents that took pleasure in visiting with one another and sharing activities, like a bowling tournament and a visiting musician. It takes a very special person to work at a nursing home facility and to be able to do it right. I met some of these people in my clinical experience. Young women and men that cared for their residents in calm, compassionate and dignified manners while never complaining of the myriad of obstacles they had to deal with daily (and sometimes hourly). It is hard work...harder in many ways than the job of the CNA at a hospital. There are residents that need everything done for them. They need to be got up in the morning (with the use of a mechanical lift which takes 2 assistants to man), have their briefs changed, new clothing put on, their faces washed, teeth and hair brushed and taken to have breakfast. Many residents have limited mobility, and every single simple action that we take for granted, and are able to do on a daily basis has to be done for them. Often they lack control of their bowel and bladder, and will have to be cleaned up each time they have what to us is a normal bodily function. While some of these people do not speak to anyone at the home, others do. Others are completely alive in their minds while their bodies are failing them. These people apologize each time they need help. 

I came home from the first day exhausted. This is back-breaking work, literally. Hoisting people this way and that, bending, stooping, and walking (all day long walking and being on your feet) is physically taxing. And poop. There was a lot of poop. I know that is not eloquent, but I am not sure how else to say it-you are cleaning up a lot of poop.

Emotionally I was exhausted as well, and on that first night after that first day I lay in Barrett's arms and cried. I cried for the residents that I already cared about, and the ones that were cheerful despite everything else. I cried for those that just wanted someone to listen, someone to care about  their day, and I cried for those that hit, pinched, and fought us every step of the day as well, because we, not them, had control of their entire existence. Some had visitors often, and some had none the entire week. I have to guiltily admit that my faith was shaken that week at the nursing home. I told Barrett this, likening the lives of some of the residents to that of Tom Hanks in the Green Mile (when he is living forever and everyone he loves has already passed). He says, "I have begun to think that God has forgotten me." I told Barrett that I felt angry at times, while assisting there, like some of these people had also been forgotten about. 

Hospital Work
Stepping foot into the hospital was a dramatic change from the nursing home, and was refreshing in many ways. Most of the patients were much more active, and could do many things for themselves. Instead of giving a full shower, you were assisting them to take a shower, and instead of wiping for them after toileting, you were simply helping them from the bed to the toilet and back. Of course there are variations on this, and there were/are patients that are on complete bed rest and they will need many more things done for them. I enjoyed the hospital much more. My patients were there a few days, and got to heal, recover, and go home for the most part. Many of them were extremely nice. They were embarrassed to need assistance with anything, and would chat with you as you came and went, most welcoming of conversation and distraction. At the hospital I got to learn things from watching the RNs as well, and assist with them a few times as they started IVs and catheters. They were receptive to questions, and truly encouraging of someone like me, wanting to be in their shoes in a few years. One day my assigned CNA got to leave early, so I was assigned to an RN to shadow and help the rest of the afternoon, and she showed me how to look at labs for liver functioning, and how all her charting is done. We spoke of diabetic patients and their special needs with skin care. I also spoke with a respiratory therapist who told me all about his job and what he liked about it.

I changed a lot of beds, took out trashes, brushed dentures, showered and shaved people, washed hair, provided catheter care, recorded everything a person ate and drank (as well as what they voided. This is Intake and Output). I gave bed baths and mouth care, walked with people that needed to exercise before getting discharged, fed people that needed to be fed, and of course, assisted with bathroom needs. There was pee, poop and blood (no puke thankfully!), but I was not grossed out.  I assisted with catheter removal and bladder scanning. I loved the team at the hospital and felt at home there after the first day. 

At the hospital though (and in long term care as well) sometimes patients do not get to go home. Sometimes they do not get better. I was touched by a dying patient and their family in the hospital. The grief-stricken family was so thankful to me for the simple acts of tracking them down some crackers, tea and soda-not wanting to leave the floor to go to the cafeteria. They were thankful for the care that their loved one had been receiving-the same care that my CNA and I had performed just hours earlier as we cleaned the entire room, linens and very gently the patient (who had gone from talkative to non-responsive in just a few days). Death was coming soon, the RN predicted within the next day. I was not scared or grossed out by anything that I experienced. Skin changes, breathing changes too had been explained to me by my CNA who I had questioned plenty. I was honored to give the patient dignity, respect and most of all compassion during this time. I cried deeply that night. I know I will experience many deaths as I continue my journey through healthcare, and I was unsure when exactly this one would happen, but it touched me. The care I was taught to provide touched me in ways that words could simply never convey. I will remember this patient always, not because I knew them well, and not because the situation was dramatic or even unique, but I will remember. I will remember because this was the accumulation of my defining moments. The finale of my learning that firmly cemented in me that I will journey on with purpose. Perhaps these patients have not been forgotten as I previously thought, but through their suffering others like me learn how best to care for those yet to come. 

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Weight Watchers Update

For those who are following my trek with Weight Watchers, or who have their own weight loss journey, just  thought I would add a quick update. In 5 weeks I have lost 9 lbs total, which is not a HUGE amount, but I am losing slowly but surely. I am down one size from a size 8 to a size 6 in pants and dresses (Yay!!!). I was a size 2/4 before...3 years ago before I began gaining. I am  not sure if I will get there! 

I have lost inches as well:
Hips: -2.5 inches

Arms: -0.5 inches
Waist: -4.5 inches This is what I am most pleased with!!
Bust: -3 inches
Thigh: -1.5 inches

It has been SLOW going the last 2 weeks. I have managed to only lose about a 1/2 pound per week, but Weight Watchers states 1/2 a pound-2 lbs per week is healthy (maintainable) weight loss. I hit a plateau that lasted about a week and was so disappointed. What finally helped (I think) was eating more. I had not been using all my daily points (which may have helped jump-start my loss), but then I was hungry all the time. I am now eating all my daily points, though I only use about half the weekly bonus points. 

Feeling good about my journey so far. I have come to like some healthy things believe it or not. One of my favorite snacks is vanilla almond milk and Special K Cinnamon Pecan Cereal. Hope all of you are doing well!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Helping Others Who Face Divorce: What to do

Returning to normal life was very difficult after separating from my husband of ten years. I was afraid to just go to the grocery store by myself, let alone more family-oriented places like church. I felt there was a flashing neon sign above my head saying in large, bold letters “NOT WORTHY” or “HUSBAND HAS LEFT” or even “DAMAGED GOODS.” I knew that there were plenty of people that cared about me, that would come alongside me as I healed, but what I didn’t realize was how many people would mean me well but do me harm, or would only care about me as a topic of conversation to fill their free hours. I told people right away, heck, even posted it on social media that we were splitting up. I did not say anything negative about him just that it was over.  I asked him first if that was okay, and he was fine with it. My thoughts on that were that eventually the world would know anyhow and I would rather tackle it in one fell swoop than have to tell my story again and again. It was a Friday when we separated, and by Monday, most of the people in our world knew the news.

The Good
During this time, my parents were my rock. They took on many duties with the kids, knowing I was mentally exhausted just from making it through the day. They cooked, they cleaned, they comforted me. They gave my sons love that I was incapable of expressing for months. My attention was on the separation, the divorce, re-entering the dating world, and holding down my job when I felt like everything else was spinning out of control. If you can help someone you love that is going through this rough time, help them with their children (if they have any). It is likely that your friend is just going through the motions and will continue that route for a while.
Like I said previously, I was teaching junior high and high school students at the time, and they were phenomenal. If you ever want to know how to help someone through a tough time, ask a teen. Seriously. I think they are better equipped at the rawness that a life can encompass than adults are, and less hardened by time. My students showed up as quiet supporters. They brought me coffee and breakfast throughout the next week. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t have some form of unconditional love from them. The students that normally acted out a bit, were quiet. My classes were easy to teach. I have never felt so loved and respected than during that hard week. They would hug me, tell me stories to make me laugh, and all the while not much was ever actually said about what I was going through. That really helped. When I was hurting the most, I didn’t have to say anything.
My boss at the time was also wonderful. I will never forget the kindness he showed me. Whether you personally are religious or not, I will say that he showed me the true meaning of what it meant to be a Christian. He offered me time off, but I declined. Work was a welcome distraction. He let me know that he did not expect my teaching for the next few weeks to be stellar and would understand if I took it easy and showed movies for a while. He told me he knew I was a great teacher and would get it back as I recovered. He also texted me out of the blue once Christmas break started and asked if my children had a Christmas tree at home, and that he would bring one out to the house if we did not. The tree had already been up at the time, but his offer is never to be forgotten.
The secretary at the school I was at sent home some wrapped presents that she and her son (one of my students) had picked out for the boys. She told me she wasn’t sure if I had shopped yet, and her son insisted that they contribute to a happy (as happy as it could be) Christmas for my children. It still brings tears to my eyes.

During this time I also received a fair amount of messages on Facebook from old friends I had gone to high school with that were my age and had been through a divorce. I cherished all those emails, as it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one out there that had been down this road. If they made it through, so could I. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

Snippets From My Saga: Part 10

One of the hardest things for me for a while was being around my own children. They were constant reminders that I had failed them. Because of my mistakes, and those of their father, they would have to suffer through having a broken family. They would have to endure shared parenting, split holidays, and ruffled emotions as they transitioned from one house to the other. They may someday have to make two Mother’s Day or Father’s Day gifts in school because we had each moved on. I was embarrassed for them. I didn’t want them to ever have to explain these awkward things to their teachers, or worse, their friends.  I once told my own mother, after months of acting somewhat unattached to my sons, that it hurt me to look at them. I saw everything that was supposed to be that never would be.


They knew I was hurting. I will never, ever, forget the wisdom of my young boys that I received at that time. For a short time before he left, I wore a heart-shaped locket with pictures of my boys on one side and of us on the other. My younger son, only 2 ½ then, commented when I took it off. “Mommy doesn’t have her heart anymore, because it is broken.” I remember clearly a conversation with my older son (5 then). “Mom, you just need a knight in shining armor to come for you,” he said, “but I am not sure they exist.” When I began dating again, and found a man I cared about enough to introduce to them, my eldest asked me simply, “Does he make you smile, Mom?” During these months after the divorce was final, I tried to never speak badly about their father. I knew he loved them, and that we would need to work together to parent them even if we were no longer a couple.