Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Today I celebrate the unplanned things in life…


I will celebrate this date forever, but not for the reasons you might think. 


Today is an anniversary of sorts, or more so, an un-iversary. 15 years ago today I was 18. I was preparing for my wedding to my high school sweetheart. Today was the day that we were wed. 15 years later, I still celebrate today but for very different reasons. After 10 years of marriage I ended up a single, divorced, mother of two boys five and under. My entire world was reeling. How was I going to pay the bills? Would we have to give up the farm home that we had bought together with my parents? How in the world could I act as both a mother and a father to the kids when their's would not be around every day any longer?  It was 14 days before Christmas when we separated, and I was also worried about how I would keep a happy face on for the kids when I felt like the entire world was falling apart. 


To say that I was crushed however, would be a blatant lie. Shocked, a bit confused, and angry would be more sufficient descriptors. Another feeling kept attempting to bubble up to the surface though- even as I attempted to redecorate the bedroom, needing to make the space my own in that very first day. That feeling was relief. It had been 10 years of a toxic, messy, jealous, and abusive relationship. 

Side note-Do you know that for years I have hesitated to use that adjective? Abusive. Like it means I am admitting that I was weak. Like some people might even think that it was a lie. Here's what I have learned about lying and the truth: I am a truth teller. I say this not because I am brave, but because I believe in the truth. Sometimes the truth is ugly and sad, tarnished and shameful, but just because it is not pretty, does not make it a lie. 

With my relief came just a little bit of hope as well. I felt I had wasted 10 years of my life... but they were not truly wasted. I had two beautiful sons and two college degrees to show for it. I had my mom and dad in the exact house that I was in willing to help with the children. I had a career, that while I did not love, I enjoyed most of the time. Maybe this was my chance to start over and decide who Sarah was on her own without being part of this couple that everyone knew (only they didn't really). I had just a few friends at the time due to always keeping everyone truly at arms length- something that happened a lot during that 10 years of marriage. It really was no one's fault but my own, that even my best friend of four years at the time had no idea why I would be getting a divorce! She had no idea because I very rarely spoke bad about my marriage. In those years, I tried so hard to plaster on a smile and to be strong. I reasoned that all couples had issues, so why should mine be any more important? It was quite the convincing facade . My parents and a few other family members were probably the only ones who knew any better.
I have always been someone who likes to live my life within the boundaries of the plans that I create. There is a plan for every day and every year of my life, or at least there was. My ex and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary, not very happily, and we never made it to the 11 year anniversary. This may seem like a weird thing to announce and be happy about, but I have to say now that every year on July 15th, it is a new sort of celebration.  It is a
celebration of hope, unplanned events, a new start, and a life happier and better than I had ever imagined possible for myself. Because, this day should have been my 15 year wedding anniversary, but instead I am a month and five days away from my four year wedding anniversary with the man who treats me like I am the most important thing in his entire life. I am never talked down to, I am never screamed at, I am never taken for granted, I am never scared of him, and I am never controlled. I now live in a relationship where I do not feel like I have to walk five steps behind my husband (because I could never be or do anything as valuable as he) but instead walk along by his side as a partner in life. What I do matters. What he does matters as well. This is not a competition, but instead a joint celebration of our dreams and goals. My children are well loved and don't have to hear screaming from their parents every single day. 

I have never been at such peace in my life. Even when other things, other plans are up in the air, I realize that that it doesn't really matter… God has other plans for us. Often we cannot see them, but that doesn't mean that they aren't there. Life is full of possibilities that we can't even imagine. One of the very best things in my life that has helped to make me the person that I want to be was entirely unplanned. So today, and every year now on this day, I celebrate the different path that I am on. I celebrate the options I have and the new plans I have made, and I celebrate the plans that will come to be that I know absolutely nothing about...and I welcome them.