What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

I finally know peace. 

It has taken me many years to "find myself" (I guess I was pretty lost!). I have spent tons of time, money, heartache and both good and bad decisions trying to find my perfect calling. I have worried, cried, and quite frankly annoyed people with my quest. At 31, I rang in the New Year by giving in to God.

You see, I thought that the choices I had made had actually been made for me. I chose a career in teaching because I wanted a college degree, and it just so happened that I could pursue that path and continue to work full-time. Another huge deciding factor for me was that I was married (at the time anyway) to a police officer, and I wanted one of us to have a "normal" schedule, a schedule where I could be home for dinner each night and there to take care of the boys on weekends, evenings and holidays. How funny that now I have come to truly value just those things. When I went through my divorce, one of the things that I was the most bitter about was the fact that I felt I had missed out on pursuing what I had really dreamed of. I had instead chosen a dream that was logical, a dream that worked. Unlike most (normal) kids, I worried about and planned for my future tirelessly. I dreamed big, and always imagined doing something really great-something that mattered. The dream changed frequently as I matured, but at times I was to be a doctor, a lawyer or veterinarian. Out of high school I was to be a pharmacist. But as I said, life happens, choices are made, and the journey continues. 

When I remarried, Barrett told me that now was my chance. If I wanted a year or two off to pursue something else-we could do that. Instead of weighing every option endlessly like in the past, I thought quickly and then jumped in feet first. I felt too old to be a doctor, but maybe I could be a nurse. 

During the past six months that I have been not working, I have had many ups and downs. I have enjoyed (for the most part) the extra time with my kids, time to clean and cook, and time to read and study. I threw myself into the final nursing prereqs, and dreamed of the new life I would have in a few years. I didn't allow myself to look back too often. Sometimes the voice that matters most is the quiet one inside our hearts-the voice we can only hear if we really stop and want to listen. Something changed inside me over my Christmas break from classes. The quiet voice was incessant. I missed teaching, missed education in general, and I missed (so much it hurt) the interaction with my kids-not my boys, but my other kids-all over 200 different kids that I have had the pleasure to teach in the past 4 years. On the very cusp of applying to nursing school, I realized I just didn't care if I got in. I realized in a conversation that never even happened, with a man at church asking what Barrett and I did, that in my heart I knew the answer. I was, am and maybe will always be...a teacher.

First I felt foolish. It has been an interesting road, and I have given up perhaps the "perfect" job in my search to discover myself. In hysterical tears I shared my heart with the man I love. If I ever wanted to know what unconditional love was, this is it. There was no blame, no anger, no I told you so, but instead a man telling me that he was proud of me that I had finally found my calling. Ironically I joked, "And I'm already qualified!" I have decided that leaving my job was not a mistake, except for in the fact that I doubt I can have it back. Through leaving I discovered that I no longer feel like a career was chosen for me. I no longer resent my past or any missed opportunities. I feel calm in the fact that God knew what He was doing all along. And now...I make the decision, I choose to teach.

I do not know where I will end up, or where I will go in education, but I know that I am now 100% committed. 

Look out boys and girls! She's BACK!