Perhaps His Plans Are Better-Part 2

Continued from: Part 1

I never would have left my job if not for some catalyst to push me on my way, and the once great teaching may have become mediocre at best. Because I left, I have gotten some much needed time with both boys, but especially Isaiah, and I never got that time with him. I have had ample time to rediscover who I am and who I want to become, and I have been able to do this all with a man who loves me by my side, never doubting me and always cheering me on. 

How do I explain what is going on in my heart? I write it not for you, but so that I may give it words of its own. I wanted to be a nurse so that I could help people, because of my experience with my own miracle birth child (Matthew), and because it seemed really interesting. While I would never go off of career and personality tests alone, it must be said aloud (or written!) that I have only once (in over 20 tests to determine skills, interests, values and personality) ever tested that nursing would be a good "fit" for me. But every test I have ever taken lists teaching as a good fit, in fact lists it in the top 5 (out of thousands of possibilities). I looked back to my own words written eight years ago as I describe an internship at Riverview Elementary School. For years I had fought my family and friends when they mentioned I should teach but "As I walked down the halls, smelling of crayon and freshly sharpened pencils-I felt like I was coming home." 

Seeing Grandma is the hospital shook my senses a bit. It made me see some of the things that nurses do, and I was not very interested. While she was getting better by the day, the atmosphere was very sterile, and somber. There was no bright colors, no laughter, no vitality. Her nurses were a mixed bag-some very friendly and some uber-professional but cold. The room was divided in two by curtains, and could not have felt more impersonal. Barrett's grandfather would ask me questions about what some of the machines did, and I realized that not only did I not know (which is to be expected), but worse-I didn't care. It didn't interest me. Just as some of the CNA information has held little of my interest, but if you asked me the best seating arrangement for a classroom I'd know exactly how to answer!

Having Barrett's grandmother in the hospital has been a wake up call. Soon we will be adding two more bedrooms, bathrooms, as well as a living room and kitchen onto our home-basically making a second home here for them. While the idea of them moving here is exciting, and the fact that our house will almost double in size is also pretty cool...the reality is that the circumstances are not pretty. Right now they are still somewhat independent, but his grandparents are both in their 80's, and them moving here is so that we can provide the care they will need later on. I am okay with this. I love them. They are simply wonderful people with rich, full lives and they have taken to me, telling me I remind them of their daughter, Shellie (Barrett's mom who passed away). I am delighted to fill any role they want me in, and I think they are delighted to see the relationship Barrett and I share. It is a quiet love, an unassuming, never blaming, always supporting type of friendship and romance. Some things are too coincidental to be just that, but have to have been orchestrated by God. Like the fact that I had jokingly told Barrett that someday I wanted a diamond and sapphire ring, because it is my two sons' birthstones together...and the fact that Grandma Joyce gave me just that this Christmas, a ring she had had for a long time (never knowing the significance to me because B had never told her!). She and I both got choked up as I explained how perfect it is. 

I do not have a conclusion right now, but I feel more peace than I have felt the past few months. I plan to finish the CNA program, though at this moment I am unsure about pursuing nursing. I will have to decide in the next few weeks. It dawned on me that the basic care I am learning to become a CNA, is care that will come in very handy with Barrett's grandparents, and care that I would not have known or thought about if I had not followed this meandering path. Perhaps part of God's plan as well? The class will be by final deciding factor on what will come next, though I will say that I have already submitted all necessary paperwork to be a substitute teacher for Lebanon schools (so you may see me around). I am not sure where to go from here. It is very undecided. In the fall I could be a nursing student, or I could once again be teaching, I could be working as a CNA, or as a sub, I could be pursuing becoming a school counselor (also in my top 5 every time), or any combination of these. 

I welcome your opinion, your advice, but mostly your support. I feel calm in this decision, and I think I know where I am headed...but I am stepping back to let God show me the way.