Other than always seeing the same annoying behaviors crop up when the boys are acting out, Barrett and I realized that we were missing a few things too. They weren't being taught exactly what was expected of them. I was good at this as a teacher-my classes knew what I expected, but I need to revamp this as a mommy. Sure, the boys know what they get scolded for, but what do they get rewarded for? What do Mommy and Barrett want to see? What makes us smile and tell them they are doing well?
In education, teachers are taught to shy away from direct instruction. In direct instruction, the teaching comes from (you guessed it!) the teacher. It is knowledge passed on first-hand through lecture mainly, modeling and practice. It is a "bad" teaching method because it is not interactive enough, and kids are easily bored (though funny that almost every college class I have ever taken still teaches this way!). While I think direct instruction has a place in teaching (as do many other methods as well), this post is about parenting. Direct instruction is what is missing in a lot of homes! It was missing in mine. Kids need to be taught openly, warmly, and directly. I need to actually tell my boys what I expect, show them what I expect, have them talk about what I expect, and practice what I expect. Does that sound silly? I know it can feel that way at times, but how does a child learn to tie his/her shoes, or the correct way to rinse dishes or to make a bed? They don't just guess at it. They are taught. By us. One thing we have decided to do is to make decorative/teaching plaques with our lists of family do's and dont's. One for each boy's room, that we discuss, model, and even have boys memorize a line of each week. Sidenote: they will also each have a Rules of Firearms plaque that is taught and learned, because in a home where Barrett (and Mommy too sometimes) shoots as a hobby, it is important to teach the boys safe handling of and respect for guns (as well as why we believe they are a right...but I try not to blog about political things...there are plenty of other bloggers for that!).
Parenting is hard sometimes. Okay...often. It is enjoyable, rewarding, and downright fun too, but it is meant to be tough. You are growing a person!!! Would you build a house without a plan? Would you begin a career without a plan? Heck, some of us clean our houses with a plan in place...so we need one to parent as well!!! The other night my Matthew shared with me that he didn't remember the words to many "Jesus songs". I was saddened by this, but at his old school he had chapel days, and now he doesn't, and making church happen for us is hit and miss between shared weekends with their dad, sports, and family outings we take. This is something that I personally need to be more diligent about. The boys need to see me praying, worshiping and talking to them about God. And they need to be a part of that. Church also needs to happen more, but I digress. How do I solve this problem? Shopping of course! No, I am kidding (mostly), but I did need to make sure that I have the proper tools to do these things, so I did order a bedtime devotional for boys, and another (newer) worship CD set to play and sing to. Again, my point here (broken record time) is that it is on purpose. Lots of things are picked up on by children. You slip and say something naughty and boy do they repeat it! They bring sayings home from school, annoying songs they have learned...so knowing this, you infuse them with the things you want them to pick up too.
Bunny trail here (that's what a favorite teacher of mine used to say anytime she got slightly off-topic...), does anyone else struggle with talking to their children about God? I talk to them. We read stories. But when does it begin feeling natural? Is is because I wasn't raised this way? I am truly open to any and all advice, suggestions, books, songs, etc.
Back to my story...these are the "rules" we have discussed. These are not made up yet onto a plaque or taught yet, so they are a work in progress, but I thought I'd share.
In Our Home We:
- Help each other.
- Pray.
- Read (for fun and for facts!).
- Say we are sorry, and mean it.
- Keep our areas clean.
- Keep calm and use quiet voices.
- Are polite.
- Respect one another.
- Keep our word.
- Do things for ourselves.
In Our Home We do Not:
- yell.
- argue.
- interrupt.
- whine.
- lie.
- talk back.
We also found (Barrett did I should say) the oath for a knight from Kingdom of Heaven (a movie neither of us really enjoyed, but still a valuable oath nonetheless): "Be without fear in the face your enemies, Be brave stand upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth always even if it would lead to your death. Safe guard to the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath."
So, there you have it! Raising a knight (or a princess!) is tough work. :)
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