It's Not You...It's Me.

It's not you, it's me. Perhaps the worst/overused break-up line around. I bet at some point you have either said some version of this, or heard it! Sometimes though, this is the only line that sums up our feelings when we relate to the world. This is how I have been feeling a lot of the time, and in the manner of almost scary self-disclosure, I write this post to express myself...and perhaps to connect with some of you.

I know that I have blogged before about personality types, and yes, I personally put a lot of stock into them as being a basis for who we are (not all of who a person is, but a good foundation for knowing someone or yourself). I mis-tested for years, because I have a personality that can swing from extrovert to introvert...a very borderline personality so to speak, but once I discovered that I am slightly (and sometimes LOTS) more introverted, I discovered some things about myself that I have been trying to reconcile with over the past year or so. For more about personality, see 52% Introvert, How About You?. (You can also see my struggle with nursing even very early on...).

Are you perfectly content to live inside your own head for most of a day? I am. My mind is a raging whirlpool of endless possibilities, visions of what could be, and a myriad of ways to improve myself. I often feel like I have adult ADD, not the hyper part, but the inability to focus part. If you want to see that in action, come watch me clean house! I am spiritual, though not religious. I despise rules that are restrictive or that set to discount others or their ways of life. I am passionately creative, though not good at the product of art itself...but I rock at the process of art, and love teaching it to young ones. The ideas are there, and I can somehow get others to create the masterpieces I dream up. The same is true about science. The process is amazing. The mechanical workings of things bore me almost to tears, and in that aspect I am very much a big picture kind of gal. I am not always interested in the why or even the how, but often in the what is or what could be.  My soul is something of a wanderer, or as my mom used to say, a "bye-bye girl." I am discontent to be in the same setting for too long, and the gypsy heart in me longs for faraway places, new lands, and new experiences. Since this is not compatible with many "normal" things like holding down a job and raising a family, I think the way to meet this urge is through discovering new activities in my own area and traveling when I can.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments.

The above made me laugh, then pause for reflection. It is so true! Anyone that has ever listened to me and offered advice and then found out that I did the very opposite, it is because of this! I get feelings (which probably sounds weird), and then sometimes I just know the path to take. Other times I know the path and I fight it with all I am, because I am still not sure it is the right one. Sound familiar? It's not you, it's me.

I suck at making and keeping friends. Truly. Though I can be a fun and very loyal friend to those I hang on to. I do enjoy friendships, and I do miss currently some that I had (pretty past tense I think), but I have never been the girl with a ton of friends. I have been the one with a ton of acquaintances that I can hang out with or talk with, but only a few actual friends. I have thought a lot about this lately, because I miss some of the girls I used to spend time with...but again, I suck at reaching out. I am so painfully shy when it comes to that. And...a handful of friends I had years ago, I never felt like I could be 100% me with. That was a pride thing. We all worked together, were all married and starting families, and I just wanted to feel like I was one of them and normal...while truthfully I was very unhappy in my marriage.  I was so unhappy in my relationship, that it was literally sucking the life out of me (it is no wonder that I gained weight for the first time since high school-except for pregnancies when I settled down with Barrett!). I was so unhappy, stressed all the time, but who wants to hear that? Instead I would say I was fine, things were good, and I was happy. I think I even kept searching for other things (like changing jobs, leaving Sand Ridge),  when apart from my home life, I actually enjoyed the job. Though friendships are tough for me, relationships are everything. It is said that my personality seeks a loving, life-long relationship, and that the relationship is almost a spiritual experience due to the deep need to bond with another. Though happiness should not 100% depend on this, I definitely know what I was missing. When people would get too close, I would back away, say I was busy, and break plans. I still have trouble with this even though life is great now. It is a habit I fell into. I became the friend that people dislike, the flaky one...the one that is always busy, when often in reality, I wanted to go and to be invited, I was just shy. So if you are reading and I have ever done this to you, it truly is not you, it's me.