Don't Poke...Will Cry.

Do you ever have one of those days (weeks even) that you feel as if your emotions are so out of balance that if someone walked up to you and poked you in the arm, you would unleash all the tears, all the anger, the hurt, and the frustration you have been keeping in? That's me today. While I am trying to just focus on studying for my upcoming midterms and general menial tasks like folding laundry, my insides are quaking with every thought and feeling that swims in an endless sea of uncertainty. Ever hear of Charybdis? It was a great sea monster rationalized into a violent whirlpool, from Greek mythology. Charybdis lives inside me right now. 

I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am actually trying to not talk about my feelings much recently because I have a feeling that even those that love me most are sick of my indecision, though they would never say it, and though Barrett and my parents will no doubt support anything I choose to do (oh, you want to be an astronaut now? Okay!) with enthusiasm and unconditional love...that doesn't mean they want to sit and analyze everything either. So I blog. At least you have the option of closing the webpage and going back to your life. 

On another note, I will not talk about one of the reasons I have been upset as of late, except to say that it is through only my parents, kids and husband that I have ever known unconditional love. And perhaps God, though not the one that condemns my every action that people like to wield as a weapon against others, but the one that sees my faults and loves me anyway. That is what I would like to believe God is. But I digress. Perhaps another post another day. Let's just say that I have once again learned that love can be conditional, and when those conditions are not met, it is revoked utterly, immediately and irreparably. 

Back to Charybdis. While you may tire of my rampant vexations at the institution of nursing program admissions, it is maybe because you need to understand me better. In a previous post from a long time ago, I talked about being personality type INFJ-now whether or not you put merit in personality categories, I can tell you that I have seen scarily accurate indications that these categories truly do exist. You can find out what you are if you want...see: 52% Introvert...How About You?. Anyhow, finding a career, the right career, is of utmost importance to me. While I have no problem working, and have never shied away from responsibilities, I have an inherent NEED to find my calling. I do not want a job or to just pay the bills, and if that were the case I would have left well enough alone...(though teaching doesn't exactly pay bills well). I need to know what I should do. What it is I ought to be doing that I can do with all the 
care, passion and integrity that I possess. 

Life has defining moments. I remember when I was a freshmen at junior college, taking a religion course. I was trying to decide between being a nurse and a teacher, and I stayed after one day to consult my professor. "Does it matter to God what I do?" I asked him. He told me he thought that one person could have many good fits and asked about the things I was considering. His words of advice? "As a nurse I imagine you would also get to be a teacher."
When Greg was deciding whether to pursue a degree in business or to become a police officer, we had gone away on a marriage retreat with our church, and had ventured off to a bookstore. We walked in, and a small wallet-sized card fell at his feet. On it read Prayer of a Police Officer. We of course saw it as a huge sign, and I believe he still carries it today, years later. On either side of the display was Prayer of a Teacher and Prayer of a Nurse, and we joked about which one was meant to be mine. 

I am okay with persevering, re-taking classes, applying to various programs, and working as a CNA until the day comes that I am accepted into RN school...but I want to know it is the right thing.