Hold Them Dear.

I too, was in tears over the devastation that occurred in a quiet Connecticut town yesterday. Sometimes the evil and sadness in the world just seems too much. We sat in our CNA class, myself and 9 others plus our instructor, each reading about and taking in the awful news. The room was in a sense of upheaval and all of us, in training to care for and advocate for the basic needs of others, felt the sense of sadness occupy our space. Many people have been writing about the shooting, sensationalizing the killer and his violent actions. Too few people have talked about the families that will forever be affected by the treachery of yesterday-the parents that thought their children were safely at school. There will be unfinished holiday crafts this year, wrapped presents sitting forlornly under Christmas trees, empty beds, chairs and hearts of the parents and siblings who have lost loved ones. It will be a bleak Christmas for these families, and each year after as the joy of the holidays are upon us, they will remember their loss.

For those of us that are bystanders, speak a bit softer to your children this season. Revel in spilled milk, unmade beds and dirty laundry. Laugh and play together, and cherish what you have. Hold your family dear. And pray. Pray for those that are not as lucky as you. Draw close, and be joyful for what you have. Remember that God is present even in the darkest days. Perhaps you can find a way to show Him to others...

Finding the Perfect Church

My parents did not (and still don't) go to church. As a child, I sometimes went to mass with my cousins-most of my dad's side is Catholic. Those were my earliest memories of being inside a church. I used to think the Catholic Church in our hometown, St. Anthony's Church, was a beautiful place. It had stained glass windows, wooden pews, organ music, and a priest looking regal in robes. Communion consisted of real red wine and small pieces of bread...we children didn't take communion yet. At the same time though, the services were long, and for us kids it meant sitting in back and coloring. Yep, coloring. We just had to pay attention to the calisthenics so that we didn't look as obvious, sit, kneel, stand....the only church with an included exercise plan along with your sermon! I don't remember understanding most of what was said in mass, but I remember it both being scary and beautiful to me. 

In high school I became more interested in finding God, and I went to a handful of different churches, tagging along with friends. Some were okay, one was way too evangelical for my liking, and I also signed up to go with a handful of my friends to Church Camp.  I actually really enjoyed it. Something about hiking in the woods, staying  in cabins, and talking about God over a campfire, made Him seem much more real to me. Also around my high school years, my uncle's mom passed away. My uncle is Japanese (married to my dad' sister), and his family is Buddhist. His mother's funeral was held in a Buddhist temple, and I was taken with how gloriously peaceful, simple and lovely the place was. There was even a garden outside that you could sit in. I also visited a Mormon church and a dance with a friend in high school. I bet you would think it was uncomfortable, but it was nice, the people were so welcoming and friendly and not the least bit pushy. 

My ex-husband enjoyed Pentecostal churches. He likes the preacher being on fire for his message, the music, and even the speaking in tongues. We were married by a Pentecostal pastor, and attended a church in Manteca for about a year before moving to Oregon. It was not the best experience. I had never been a faithful church goer, a habit that is still, admittedly, very hard for me...and he wasn't great at it either. We liked the church and were part of a married class, but whenever we missed (about once a month because we wanted to sleep in or go somewhere else), we knew that we would have messages on our phone, asking where we had been. We both hated that. In Oregon, I went to church for awhile with my aunt and uncle, and their church was nice, non-denominational, and had beautiful outside services in the summer. Then, I found a church in our town, and attended it for the next 1 1/2 years,  a Baptist Church. I was baptized there at age 21. I went alone almost always, as Greg was working nights and weekends. I enjoyed the church, and the way I felt, but I never really got involved or made any friends. When Greg's schedule changed we would then attend the First Assembly of God Church in the next town over, and did so for almost 2 years and then another 6 months or so later on when we decided to go back. It was huge, and you could decide just how involved you wanted to be. 

Then I attended the Nazarene church in town prior to and just after our divorce. Great kids program, but I never really felt anything all the time that I went, and that bothered me a lot. Barrett and I have checked out a church that claims to be the church for those that dislike church. The music was great, but the people? Not that friendly. I know, that I am one of the disliked brand of church-hoppers, but it is only because I am trying to find something that has meaning for me and fits a myriad of other wants for my family. Barrett's goal is that the church not make him rather shove bamboo shoots under his fingernails. His words, not mine. My personal church wish list goes as follows (and some churches I went to had a few of these aspects, then lacked others...and that's how I know they matter to me.):

• Friendliness is welcome.
•  If I am visiting, you should direct me in the right places. 
• You may extend any event invitations.
•  I should not feel ignored.
• Pushiness is not welcome.
•  Do not pressure me.
•  Do not call me if I miss. 
• Let me know how I can be involved, but do not guilt it out of me. 
• (I would like a certain level of involvement, in something I am good at. Do not think because I have kids, that I should help with children's programs of nursery care! One church actually guilted me into this because I was using the service!! I would've been much better help just about anywhere else, and frankly I'd rather join Barrett with the bamboo! Just because I like my own children does not mean I am good with others!)
• Have a great children's program.
• Good music for me is a must.
• Teach me. I am there to learn, but not to be judged. 
• Have a clean, peaceful atmosphere. 
• Refreshments are good.
• Teach about life application. 
• Ever been to a church a few times and felt like you were hearing re-runs? But...we talked about the lady at the well last week. Oh, this is okay if it is an ongoing story, but just like in a classroom, things need to be changed up and dare I say it? They need to be made relevant to the congregation.
•  Tell us why this story matters to us, and how it applies. 

I am not sure the perfect church exists...but I am set to find one that works for all members of my family. So, now I leave you to go shower and get myself ready for my first church visit in all too long! Hopefully no bamboo will be needed. Have a great Sunday!

A Different Kind of Christmas

Today I began Christmas shopping. There are only 94 days until it is here. I started with just a few small things for the boys, and got out my iPhone to take pictures of a couple of things I liked that may be good ideas (has anyone seen the Lite Brite Cube?).  Then I headed to Barrett's work and we went to Chinese food for lunch together. During the almost hour long drive (I was in Albany when I started), I started to think a lot about Christmas, not just the regular thoughts about budgeting for gifts and what everyone really wants this year, but thoughts about what I can teach my kids and my family about Christmas. The boys know the meaning of Christmas, and could probably tell you the story better than I can, but I started to think that while they know why we celebrate it, the how of it makes it not much different than a birthday (one of their's not Jesus' you smarties). There's food, presents and time with family. If we are lucky and are attending a church (see my other post on that!), then there is maybe a really great church service/program or two. I'm not sure that does Christmas justice, and furthermore, I am beginning to think that I have been missing some really great teaching opportunities with my kids. 

 

After discussing with and getting approval from Barrett, I decided this year would be a bit different. We will set our gift limit for the children, then we will take a set amount out of it for each boy and let them decide where to donate that money to. Mind you, they will still get presents, but a couple fewer. I have narrowed their choices to the following 5 charities, so that there are not too many choices: Humane Society of the United States, St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, American Red Cross, Operation Homefront, & Children's Hunger Fund. I am going to print a logo or photo of each charity and sit the boys down and explain what they do. We will have a small chat about how we have been very blessed to have all that we have, and that there are many others who do not have the same things. Then after they decide, and closer to Christmas, Barrett and I will make the donations and wrap up (very fancily, mind you!) the cards that they will each receive from the charity. I am hoping this will make them more aware of the ways of the world, of helping others, and that they will be proud to share with their extended family and friends what they chose to give money to. 

I have also decided that a little volunteering is in order for both Matthew and mom. He is old enough to tag along with me to volunteer at many places, so again, I am going to give him a few options I can live with (!), and make it something we do 1-2 times a month. I think it will be a great gateway to talking to him more about this subject, and just to cultivating the compassion I'd like both boys to grow to have. 

If you like either idea, here are a few helpful sites you could explore:

• Charity Gift Cards
• Help Your Kid Help Others

Go Placidly Amid the Noise and Haste

Today I woke up early again to ride the bike, though every cell in my body wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to Barrett and forget exercise. After about 2 minutes on the bike Isaiah came in, and I sent him to find Barrett to ask for cartoons (so much for beating the sun and the kids awake!). Then cue Matthew, then Isaiah again, then Barrett and the puppy. I was  not a happy camper. It had taken all I possessed to get me on the stinking bike this AM, and it felt like the world was conspiring against me. I need to be left alone about 2 times during the day...when I attempt to exercise, and when I do my hair and makeup...other than that, I am pretty lax about interactions, even when in the shower or on the toilet! ;)Then, after Matt and Barrett are gone, Isaiah wants to play with the remote-control helicopter again (the one I thought had been charged all night), but it seems it won't hold a charge...already-that the batteries in the remote unit need replaced. It's one of those stupid, mom-hating, need a screwdriver to replace the batteries toys. I know how to wield a screwdriver, even knew where one was, but NO, it's one that needs like a tiny, miniature screwdriver...sigh. So, the helicopter will have to wait for my much-handier-than-I husband. Then I go to make Isaiah a bubble bath, and turn the water on, and it proceeds to SOAK the top of my head, apparently Matt had left it on shower setting. To top that all off, the X Box decided to quit working (we have no TV, just Netflix and Amazon...which we play through the X Box), and then the iPod won't work on it's dock (which I did get working). It's only nine in the morning, and I feel like I need a do-over!

But now, the storm has passed. Max is laying on the floor watching Isaiah build a train track while I type and listen to Pandora. When Barrett and I were married, his grandmother gave me a small book that was his mother's. It is called Desiderata. I thought it was a poem, and it sort of is, along with a prayer and advice. There was also a plaque that his mom had with the verses on it that now hangs in our bedroom. I have come to love it and look at it when I feel overwhelmed. Barrett's mom was a marriage and family therapist that raised Barrett on her own, often with the help of her parents. She was interested in psychology, relationships, spirituality and education. She loved the ocean and Chinese food. She frequently re-decorated their home. In these ways Barrett has told me that I am like her, and that I feel is a huge compliment. I will never get to meet her, as she passed a few years before he and I met. There was this tapestry that  I thought was ugly and was kind of a brat about. Barrett had hung onto it even though he had already gotten rid of a lot of her things before I ever knew him. I had joked about it not going up in our house. Then, I asked him why he kept that picture out of everything. He has said it had hung in his home, and reminded him of her, even though he admitted it was not the prettiest thing. After that, I found a place for the tapestry, and it hangs in our entry way above the front door of our home. And you know what? I am fond of it. It is a reminder that in a relationship, heck in a life, we weave our roots and vines with others to make one beautiful mess. It may not be as neat as if we grew alone, but it is much stronger. Below, though fairly long, you should check out Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. The title is Latin, and means the things wanted, needed, or necessary. And here is a link that explores the poem better: History behind Desiderata. 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may

be in silence. As far as possible

without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly 

and clearly, and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant,

they too, have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive 

persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself 

with others, you may become

vain and bitter, for always

there will be greater and

lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements

as well as your plans.

Keep interested

in your own career, 

however humble, it is a real

possession in the changing

fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business

affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is,

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself, especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face 

of aridity and disenchantment 

it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, 

no less than the trees and the stars, 

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be careful.

Strive to be happy. 

When We Lose Our Way...Part 1

I'd like to say that I found God in my early twenties, and that I was saved and never looked back. I'd like to say that I never question my own faith, the wisdom of others, and that I always act in a way that people could be proud of. I'd like to say that...but I can't. I have done things in my life that I am not proud of, things that have hurt people beyond reason, and I have taken actions that would definitely not make me the best role model for others. I have gossiped. I have been envious. I have lusted. I have taken the many treasures in my life for granted. 

Sometimes when we look at the things that we have done wrong, it is hard to see if we have ever gotten it right. But I know that we all have. I know that at times I have been the best mom, friend and wife ever. I know that at times I have built people up and set them on the right path. I know that even in an unhappy marriage, I was loyal for 10+ years. I know that I care when I mess up, even if it takes me awhile. 

I know that lately I have been doing the self-finding that people speak of doing when you are in your early twenties...but I was married then, working and in college. Now, I am beginning to wonder about things. I personally, know without a doubt that there is a God. He was there when my son was born and shouldn't have been. He was there when I laid on the bathroom floor sobbing when my marriage failed. And He is there everyday when I thank Him for the husband and family I have. But I am going to lay myself perfectly, embarrassingly open to you, my readers. I am opening up to tell you that I truly welcome your guidance and advice, but that I also blog because I find it to be cleansing. I do not seek to offend you or mock in any way the beliefs that you have come to have.

One thing I have trouble with is the entire concept of God. I guess I tend to think more in like a spiritual sense...it's hard to put it into words. I think God is everywhere, in everyone. I have trouble understanding why this supreme being needs us to worship him...because why would He need us? Why are we supposed to be guilty when we spend a Sunday hiking with our kids instead of sitting in a church? What if on the hike we gave thanks to God? Does it matter where we were? 

I have trouble thinking that one (or a small handful) of religious groups have it "right" and that everyone else will be barred from Heaven. I don't understand. At all. Some of the best people I have ever known have been Mormon, Buddhist and Catholic. Do they all have it inherently wrong?

I once listened to a sermon about animals and how the speaker said they have no souls, only humans do...so only humans can go to Heaven...and I was dismayed and confused. Had he never known a dog? Had a friendship with an animal? Known the close bond? And I wondered, why would our Creator go to the trouble to make these wonderful creatures if they were without souls?

Do you have questions too? Or do you have answers? I'd love to discuss. I know that I need God. I know that I am a far better person when I am seeking what is right. I know that I believe, but I also know that my faith is more childlike in the fact that I have all these wonderments and no real answers...

To be Continued.....

When True Love Doesn't Wait...What Then?

I am taking on this topic because it is one that I have genuine interest in, and because thanks to our freedoms in the US, I have every right to discuss it in the manner I see fit. I also am terribly aware of the fact that I may say something that offends you, my reader. I don't expect you to agree with me. Heck, I'd be surprised if everyone did, but I do expect you to be respectful and to add your own pearls of wisdom to the discussion if it pleases you. I welcome you.

After working at a Christian school, I became increasingly aware of just how big of a topic teenage sexuality is. I was not born yesterday, and I graduated from a high school in California with a graduating class of over 400 students...roughly 13X bigger than the school I worked at. Sex happened. Quite often and with no regards to social, economic or even intelligence levels. It was a common thing, not reserved only for the "cheerleaders and jocks", but for the "nerds," "4H", "drama," and "skater" kids alike. Plenty were not "doing it"-but plenty were. I hate to sound desensitized, but it really wasn't something anyone made much fuss about. I am not saying that is right, I am merely stating that no one really cared. At my former employer it was different, and presumably so. There was an annual assembly called The Silver Ring Thing that shared a message about sex before marriage and why it is better that true love waits. Many of the teens would also go to the nighttime version the same day, taking their parents with them. They would show up at school the next day wearing their own silver ring, right on the left ring finger where a wedding band would eventually go. In essence, I see nothing wrong with this sentiment. If waiting is important to a person, then they should indeed wait. 

What heightened my own curiosity was a study my college anatomy 2 professor shared with us. You can read it here: Virginity Pledger Statistics. The study found that among teenagers, those you pledged to remain virgins had just as much premarital sex as those who did not don a ring. 82% of pledgers actually denied ever taking the pledge within 5 years after taking it. The more unfortunate news was that the pledgers that went ahead and had sex, were much less likely to use any form of protection against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, putting their group at higher risk of sexually transmitted infections and parenthood. The fact of the matter was those that did not plan on having sex, truly did not plan even in the heat of the moment and then put themselves at higher risk then fellow teens that actively sought out birth control methods. Let me state the obvious: Sex is never an accident!!! For all the times I have heard the phrase, "It just kind of happened," or "We didn't mean to". Really?! This is when my sarcasm goes into overdrive and I am thinking, So you just kinda happened to take off your skivvies at the same time, and he fell and landed...You get my drift. 

I think waiting is a fine idea. I think that it is probably what God wants. I know that premarital sex can lead to many hurt and dysfunctional relationships and people. Here is what I also know, because I am trying to play Devil's Advocate (heehee...appropriate here I guess) on this issue as well. Saving yourself versus not saving yourself for your partner makes little difference in the grand scheme of things for your relationship and sexuality with one another. Now before you throw tomatoes at your screen in righteous anger, I said little difference in your relationship, I did not say little difference to God...so it may indeed make a difference to Him. I would just like to point out that plenty of couples who have had premarital sex (either with one another or a different partner) still enjoy happy, sexually fulfilling marriages and it does not stop them from having a faith either. On the same hand, plenty of people that waited to have sex may have dysfunction in their sexuality with one another, and then that special thing they waited for seems to pale in comparison to what they had dreamed of. Getting married to finally get the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow happens all too often. Then the marriage is driven by lust, not love or friendship. Sure, it can work nicely for a couple, and sometimes it doesn't. Both sides of the coin here, people. In this blog, the author takes on the concept of the Purity Ball: I promise, but what I found interesting were some of the comments the post elicited. What do you think?

My take on the matter is that purity because you want to have a stronger relationship with God is admirable, and I understand this take. But waiting your whole life, hoping someday God will bring you the man (or woman) you are meant to have sex with is...well, kind of sad, and the reason many virgins in their twenties and thirties stop waiting. You MUST read: Not "Waiting" Anymore. And even better, perhaps the reason it is SO hard for Christians to wait, but it is rarely talked about: people in Biblical times were often married off between 13-17 years of age-a must read article from CNN: Why Christians Aren't Waiting. Add to that the fact that though many pastors will encourage youth to wait, even drill it into them...many did not wait themselves. I am not saying that "two wrongs make a right," but I am saying that if you couldn't do it-how do you expect them to?

I am not sure what the "solution" is, or if one is even needed...What I do know, as a former educator from a charter then a Christian school, is that schools NEED to teach sexual education. We falsely reason that these kids are getting talked to at home (they come from such nice homes after-all)...but guess what? Many of them aren't. Then schools make the mistake of talking to them when they are 16 years old. Ummm....does anyone else see the problem with this picture. Talking to kids about safe sex does not make them want to go out and have sex, anymore than talking to me about airbags makes me want to purchase a  new car. We are doing our teens a huge disservice by not telling them the dangers and the realities that sex can bring. I used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 (yeah, yeah), and there is an episode that I LOVE and still remember about the school and parents arguing about whether or not to have sex ed. One of the moms finally says, "Not talking to our kids about sex is like us all having swimming pools behind fences but not teaching our kids how to swim. Sooner or later, they will all climb the fence, and if they drown..it's our fault." I couldn't agree more. While abstinence is a great answer, it is not the answer that 80-88% of teens choose by the time they reach 18. Open talks about sex with parents, teachers, even pastors need to become more prevalent. Just Sayin'. 

God...as I see Him.

Disclaimer: I may say something that you don't agree with it. These are my own personal feelings, and I do not mean to offend anyone, because I believe that spirituality is a very personal, individual thing.

I wasn't raised going to church. My dad was raised Catholic, and my mother raised to make up her own mind about religion. My parents decided to not force any one set of beliefs down my throat, but they were open to me going to church with relatives, later with friends, and asking questions about and exploring beliefs as I grew up. There was never a time when I didn't believe in God, but there were times when He was different things to me. As a young girl, I had nightmares a lot (and ended up in bed with my parents, A LOT!), and I also remember that as I got older, I began to sleep with a small Bible under my pillow when I was scared, but didn't want to leave my own bedroom. God was a protector to me. As a pre-teen I talked to God daily, and during that whirlwind of emotions, God was a friend. I strayed a few times away from the paths that I am sure were not the best ones for me, and I got angry a few times at God because I wasn't sure where he was when I needed Him, or why sometimes bad things happened to me or people I loved. My dog had internal bleeding and had to be put down. My young, vibrant cousin died of leukemia at age 25. My Nan (grandmother) died after a horrible struggle with a brain tumor, while the family held her hand. My brand-new puppy got out of the backyard and hit by a car, and I found him on my way to work. I am sure these are all somewhat familiar things, and while I was angry at God, I still believed in Him.

I believe in miracles. If you have ever been around my older son, Matthew, you have been around a miracle. Matthew's story is a long one, and I will not tell all the details in this post (nor can I ever even think about it without tearing up!), but I had a condition called fetomaternal hemorrhage. There are no risk factors, very few symptoms, and it is almost never caught in time to do any good. "Secondary to the resultant anemia, fetomaternal hemorrhage may have devastating consequences for the fetus such as neurologic injury, stillbirth, or neonatal death, "                                           ( http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20410781).  Fetomaternal hemorrhage occurs in one in every one thousand pregnancies, or 0.3% of the time. Not only did I notice the dramatic decrease in my son's activity level, but my OBGYN caught the condition in time. Matthew was born 5 weeks early. He was not breathing. He was white. He had lost 2/3 of his total blood volume, and would require 3 blood transfusions over the next 24 hours, a ventilator, and 9 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. My special baby could not be held until he was 3 days old, and when I did get to take him home, he could not leave the house for 6 weeks because his immune system was weak. I was warned that I may see some delays. Matthew had not a single developmental delay. He crawled, talked, walked not only on schedule, but ahead of it. He is bright, capable and athletic. The only remnant from his miracle entry into this world is asthma-likely because of underdeveloped lungs. Matthew is a God thing. Literally. That child was planned, prayed about, and prayed for continuously. When I feel low, I think that God must have it under control because not only did I get Matt, but also Isaiah to be a mother to-and that has to matter-a lot!

I have been in a handful of very different churches, from Catholic to Pentecostal, Baptist and Nazarene. I have not been in awhile. Part of it is the schedule my family keeps (time with boys and time without), but part of it is finding the "right" fit. I don't know if there is one. I feel church is valuable because it is time to worship with fellow believers. I have never liked though how everyone seems perfect. I don't feel God there-though I'm sure He must be, I'm just saying I don't feel Him. It bothers me that the important (though human) things are rarely touched on. Why is it that more churches don't talk about healthy marriages, what it feels like to come through a divorce, and sex? Yes, sex. Why is it avoided, instead of talked openly about. Why does the church facilitate even more taboo and shame over things that people are already struggling with?? Most people are interested in how to apply God's word to the tough things in life. If churches want to have more people attend, they should spend more time talking about application than about the sinful nature of man, more time actually ministering to the needs of people than just saying they do. You want teens to wait to have sex? TALK about it! Openly, honestly and without shame. You want healthy marriages? TALK about the things that go on behind closed doors: money issues, sexual hurts, addictions and vices. Am I being too bold when I profess that the God I know, would be okay with that?

 I feel God when I am in nature, when I look at the stars, and when I watch the ocean waves. I feel him when I watch my boys play, reflect on the close relationship that I have with my mom and dad, and when my husband grins. I don't mean for that to be blasphemous, but that's when I see God. I saw Him in the students I taught, especially the ones that didn't quite fit in, but that were becoming adults in their own right. I see God in my heart, I talk about Him to my kids. I see God in the heart-wrenching, soul-searching events that plague us on this journey called life. Isn't that a likely place for Him to be?

What is God to you? Where do you see Him?