There were some very dark days for me, I still loved my ex-husband, though I was not in love with him, and if I was honest with myself, I hadn't been for years. We married at 18, one month after I graduated high school, and I wanted SO bad for all of the people that said we wouldn't last to be wrong. They weren't. My heart was in pieces, and it was a hard feeling to describe. I mean him no ill will now, nor did I then-but my heart was hurting because we went from being a family to being broken; we went from being a couple to me not even knowing who I was anymore. When you are part of something for so long, it is hard to figure out where he stopped and I started. People call this "finding yourself". Therapists will tell you that you are not healthy and whole enough to even think about dating anyone until this process is complete. In my case I dare to disagree-I could not be wholesome and healthy until I met my perfect match.
It hurt to be around my boys for awhile. They were a constant reminder of my failure, of the fact that because things with their father and I couldn't work out, that they would forever have this mixed family. They knew I hurt, and sometimes tears would silently run down my face in front of them no matter how hard I fought to hold them back. I remember Isaiah telling me that my heart was broke, and Matthew saying that Mommy needed a white knight, but that he wasn't sure they existed.
It was not an easy journey with Barrett. I hate dating-I really do. I hate the uncertainty and crave stability, and he was like a frightened kitten (I'm sure he loves that analogy) with me a lot of the time. You know, the type that likes to be petted...sometimes, and don't you dare get too close or it will flee. :) Barrett wanted to take it slow, and rightfully so, as I was damaged goods, and he wasn't about to open up to me before he was 100% positive he could trust me not to hurt him. Though he was confusing in many of his "messages" to me. He would say one thing and then he would look at me like I had made the sun rise from the sky. I was head-over-heels in love with him after only a few months, but terrified to say it. Sometimes I was so afraid that I would blurt it out, because it seemed like the rhythm of my heart was saying I love you over and over again. Finally, he did say it. He also told me that if it didn't work with me, he was done with dating. I took that as a good sign, because I knew at that point that he was the one. He knew I was too, but he needed to be cautious. He once told me that he was like a big fish, and I had to reel him in slowly and carefully so that the line did not break. I remember being irritated with that analogy and telling a friend, "So, he compared our relationship to fishing!" You see, Barrett is the type to see a mountain in his path and to carefully plan out his trek around it, while I am the type that says "let's bulldoze through the mountain!" I think we have both learned to love and respect these differences in one another.
Frightened kitten, indeed! Mew? :)
ReplyDeleteI love you so much, Sarah, and thank you for being patient with me. I know it wasn't easy for either of us, but it was so worth it. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. :)