Snippets from my Saga: Part 4

Even then I was bitter already, or was it still? I felt as though I was an actress watching myself from afar. What was I supposed to say, do, how was I supposed to act? The person that writes that book will be rich-What to Say and Do When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce For Dummies, something like that. I felt every emotion all at once. We joke about spring in Oregon. During spring here you can literally have a day where almost every weather exists-sun, rain, hail and snow. My emotions were like the springtime, ranging all over the place, and also going cold too.

 I was left to tell the children, two weeks before Christmas, that Daddy and I were through. He wanted to tell them together the next day, but I laughed a bitter, sarcastic laugh. Like I was going to make it that long? Children may be young, but they are intuitive, especially sons when it comes to their Mommy. They were 2 ½ and 5 at that point, and I explained as simply as I could that we both loved them, but not one another, and that Daddy was going to live somewhere else. Our older son cried, and as if on cue, the younger one did as well. I couldn’t stop my own tears, but I also figured why should I? This was reality, and sometimes reality just plain hurt. We clung together; a family that once was, broken.

That night, alone in our bedroom, my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. At 2 AM I awoke, after finally crying myself to sleep, and went into the bathroom, and gently took off my beautiful wedding ring (it had been a gift for our five year Christmas together), tucking it into my jewelry box. It was over, and I somehow just knew this. What does one do with a wedding ring from a failed marriage, anyhow? It’s not something you want to pass on. Ironically we would speak a few days later, on somewhat good terms at that time, and my soon-to be ex-husband would go on to tell me that he awoke in the middle of the night as well, and slipped his wedding band off and into his pocket…right around 2 AM. It’s funny how the world works sometimes, the duality of it all. I have always thought that if this were a movie, that would play out awesomely on the big screen. The torn apart marriage, the spouses alone, each surrendering their rings, and with them, their vows to one another.  All that would at least be Kleenex worthy.

Throughout the next few days I struggled to think about how and when it all went wrong?  Was there some big lightning-bolt like moment that struck our marriage, sure and swift?  It didn't feel that way. Instead it felt like a slow, sneaking cancer, metastasizing with no warning in all the viable places until we were far past recovery. When had we turned into people that the other did not want to be with? When did I begin to cherish, instead of resent, the nights we spent apart when he was at work? When did I begin to squirm at invitations that requested both of our presences, hoping we could make it through the event without a blow-up?  There was so much resentment, so much bitterness, and so much pure dislike of one another that it was hard to believe we had chosen to be with one another.