Snippets from my Saga: Part 2

Life does not always go the way it’s planned, in fact-it rarely does. Life is messy. Thankfully, our hands are washable. We can wipe up the mess, and begin again.

They say divorce is like the death of a loved one. They lie. Death is easier. In death there is peace. Death brings its gentle haze, the rose-coloring if you will, that makes the bad seem not so important and fuzzy, and the good blissful in memory. In death there is moving on. Deaths are cleaner; divorce is messy. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and there's a reason for that. The intimacy in a marriage, once gone, cuts like the deepest knife. It doesn't matter how long you've known it was over, it feels like someone you loved has died. In essence, someone has-the couple you once were or had hoped to be. Divorce can be ongoing, even years after it has occurred, and it can leave deep scars that take great patience and time to heal. Divorce sucks.

I know this because I have been on both sides of a divorce. I have been the happy newlywed, never believing divorce was possible, blushing and in love. In those days the “D” word wasn't even allowed in the house, thought of as an evil talisman. If we didn't say it, it couldn't possibly happen to us. Couples that had troubles and ended up discussing divorce were weak, unhappy souls, something we surely would never be. I have also been the mostly happy wife, while we struggled to start careers, acquire things and begin a family. I have been the struggling mom, clinging to my desire for a happy family, no matter the cost. Looking back, often that cost was in losing pieces of me. I have been the angry, accusing wife, the one not getting enough help or attention (in my mind). I have been the reticent bride, sorry for things that I should not have said but did anyway, and absent at times I was needed. I have wanted to run far, far away from responsibilities, dirty dishes, bills, and anyone else that needed me, wanting nothing more than time for myself. I have been the woman that looks like she has it all together, every hair in place, every fingernail a pretty color, and the same woman that cried almost daily in the shower where my hot tears could be silently washed down the drain. I have been the woman bitter by the deal she has got in life, regretful over decisions made and opportunities lost. I have been numb, not caring anymore about change, no longer raising my voice to disagree, clinging instead to my own career, or often, to nothing at all. I have been scared, hopeless, full of guilt and shame, wanting to hide my face.  But, I have also been hopeful, happy and ready to conquer life a second time, dating and marrying once again. I have worn many hats, as I am sure most of you have. Perhaps as you read these words, you see a glimpse of people you have been as well, and feelings you have had.