Just the Toes

On Monday I began my journey toward becoming a CNA. It was a long day, full of policies and procedures, the importance of confidentiality, patient's rights, and far too much reading and lecture listening. I truly enjoyed it though. We learned proper hand-washing technique (there are like 10 steps!!!), and began learning how to do patient transfers (like from hospital bed to chair). There are 9 others in my cohort, and they seem nice enough so far. The instructor has been a nurse for 40+ years, and has been teaching for 5, and she regaled us with nurse stories. She seems friendly but also has very high expectations, and rightfully so. I really enjoyed touring the facility. It is actually pretty amazing, complete with resident cats for each hall, a facility dog, parakeets and doves. I was impressed by all the animal interactions that are available. There is a beautiful chapel, a small cafe, a nicely stocked rec room full of games, crafts, t.v., and a beautiful fireplace. The entire facility has been decked out for Christmas, and there are multiple garlands, snowflake decorations and even Christmas trees. The residents that I got to see smiled at us newbie students as we walked the halls. Our instructor read us a poem written by a resident, an elderly woman, who wrote about what nurses must see when they look at her, versus the full life and all she has been and had. It was so moving, and I think there were multiple students with wet eyes...myself included. I was disappointed that uniforms will not be needed until our first labs next week, but excited that we began checking off our skills list the very first day.

Then...due to bureaucracy at its best (notice the sarcasm), we were informed Monday night that we could not return to class until Thursday (tacking days on at the end), because one of the powers that be (high up) had changed hands, and the proper paperwork had to be processed by the state. I am excited to return tomorrow. While the material itself out of the text and our quizzes look very easy, the skills I will be continuing to learn will be more of a challenge. It is such a great way to get my feet wet-though so far it has just been a dipping of the toes. :)

Two Roads Diverged...

I have always been a huge fan of the Robert Frost poem The Road Not Taken:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I feel it is a perfect metaphor for life. Right now I feel I am in the proverbial woods trying to decide from not 2, but 3 likely paths. Have you ever had the thought in your life that you can see a few of your choices so clearly, and you think you have made the choice or know the choice to make, but the other ones seem just as real and likely? Tomorrow I start my CNA training. It's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of life. It's only 6 weeks of learning and by the end of January I will be finished. But it some ways it is a huge step. It is the next step in my journey to become a nurse, the deciding factor if you will on whether I have made the right decision. I am so lucky to have the support of my family, and the reminders from Barrett that if I end up disliking it, then we will find a new plan. No resentment, no anger that I left a great job, no disappointment, just pure unconditional love and support. So why the choices? In January I turn 31, you may be saying so what?-or if you are a woman you may be nodding your head in understanding. While Barrett and decided from the get go that my two boys were enough, I feel that it's now or never if we ever want a child together. I refuse to wait until my mid-thirties, and I don't know if I even want that road...but I can see it, you know? I can see us having a daughter (because in my head she's always a baby girl). I can see her blonde pigtails and her smiles, and Barrett wrapped around the finger of a little woman. The timing is never right, but we could do it. We could make it for a few years on Barrett's income, having me stay home with both Isaiah part-time and a little one. I could then go back to work as a teacher somewhere, or as a school counselor or a family/marriage counselor with just a year or two of additional school-a lot of which could be done at night or online...OR, I can become a nurse. I can realize that dream with the support of an already lovely and full family, but the two (to me and to B) are mutually exclusive. Nursing school is a full-time endeavor, and beginning a new career is a huge stessor of it's own. Then there is the other facts, the fact that I never want my boys to feel as if they weren't enough-that both their mom and dad remarried and had to have more children. Does that make sense? Babies are a scary thing, and Barrett is terrified at the mere thought of sleepless nights, a helpless infant and the freedom of an empty home being pushed back. And me? I'm not sure what I want. I want to be a nurse. I love my freedom and my sons that are more and more self-sufficient by the day. They keep us busy enough. I love my marriage, and our weekends that are child-free, so we are pretty sure we have chosen our road to travel. But it would be a lie to say that I never get glimpses of the other road, the mirage of a child playing happily, the Sophia Shellie West of the alternate path.

Merry Christmas! 2012 at a Glance

I toyed with the idea of making Christmas cards and writing a newsletter this year, but perhaps waited too long. I start my CNA program on Monday, and I am preparing myself to be quite busy for the next 2 months. I decided instead to include a newsletter type post here on my blog, sharing with you some pictures and memories from the past year. I hope you enjoy!

2012 has been a time of change for our family. In June I finished up my teaching contract at East Linn Christian Academy, giving notice that I would not be returning to teach the following year. I enrolled in the Anatomy & Physiology sequence (3 classes and 3 labs) during a summer intensive at Oregon State University, and survived a grueling summer of bones, muscles, dissections and work on a cadaver even. It was difficult, and I felt I ate, breathed and lived anatomy for those 3 months. I was proud that I rose to the challenge though, with each quarter term class condensed into only 4 weeks, I was still able to pull four A's and 2 B's. 

Last Spring Barrett got a promotion at work, changing from a Front Line Support Engineer to an Advanced Technical Support Engineer at Symantec. Basically, to dumb things way down, he fixes broken computer environments for corporations. Barrett likes his job most days, and has the luxury of working at home one day a week and whenever the weather is really bad and would make his commute (only 25 minutes now...used to be an hour) dangerous. It really is a great job and has plenty of paid sick leave and vacation time and great benefits, so we have been incredibly blessed. He is able to support the family while I pursue school, though having one income has of course meant some downsizing of toys and small luxuries. Barrett has also taken to metal-working with a lathe that he has set up in his "man cave", and it has become quite the hobby. 

In May, right when the school year was beginning to wind down, Barrett, the boys and I moved to a new home in Brownsville. We are on 6.5 acres outside of town, and love our house and our view. It has been fun (!) to paint and decorate our home together. In August Barrett and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary with a surprise trip that he planned all on his own. You can read about that here: The Difference a Year Makes Part 1 & here The Difference a Year Makes Part 2 , and about our story here: Reelin' in the Big Fish. We are doing very well, and seem to grow in our love each and every day. Barrett and I truly are the best of friends and enjoy relaxing (reading books and watching movies), shooting, cooking and travelling together. This spring we have high hopes to be able to take a week's vacation to somewhere tropical and revel in the sun and one another.  Keep your fingers crossed for a big tax return!!! 

This fall I have been taking my last two prerequisite classes down in Eugene at Lane Community College. It has meant some extra time with Isaiah (now 4 1/2), who is not in school this year and bounces between myself and my dad depending on my schedule. It has been really nice to get this one-on-one time with my younger boy.  We go on walks, play at the park, have "school" sessions where we work on math and writing, read together and do various crafts. Isaiah is a joy to watch. His personality is in constant development, and he has proven to have a very strong will (!) and also a powerful imagination. He played soccer for the first time back in the fall, and scored his first goal. He also unfortunately broke his first bone as well, though not playing soccer, instead it was by sledding into a tree over our Thanksgiving trip to the snow. Poor guy, though he has been so tough it dare try to slow him down. After-all 4-year olds (especially boys) are a whirlwind of activity! He has also proven to have quite the technological knack, something that Barrett really gets a kick out of. While playing Angry Birds on my iPhone the other day, Isaiah also decided to text Barrett (a mashed up mix of letters, but still), and open Pandora to play him some music. I was pretty impressed. Isaiah also learned to float and doggy-paddle this past summer, and will resume swimming lessons once his mother's (!) schedule slows down. 

This has been a year of change for Matthew (now 7) as well. The boys now enjoy separate bedrooms, but constantly "hang out" in one or the other together. :) Because of my move, we could not keep either boy at East Linn, so Matthew began first grade at the nearest public school here, Central Linn Elementary School. I was worried about him being new, and having to ride the bus...both things he took to with flying colors. Matthew has excelled this year, making new friends, dominating on the soccer field (he is now playing U8, which seems to be much more competitive and fun for him), and proving to be far ahead of most of his class in math and in reading! We now take turns reading to one another, and my heart overflows with pride as I hear (almost on a daily basis!) his fluency improving.  And you know what? The public school has been outstanding so far. He has a fantastic teacher, who encourages parent involvement and I've been able t o be more active in his classroom than I ever could when I had my own class to teach! Matthew learned to swim this past summer, and can do a few different strokes and get himself all over a pool.

Coming up in just four days, I will begin training as a Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA), and I hope to secure a part-time job afterward. My nursing school applications are almost complete. I am applying to OHSU and Lane-both programs that start next fall. Keep me in your prayers that I get accepted into a program right away! This year has been a time of growth and change for me, and I have learned more about myself than ever before. I have become more interested in politics, human rights and current events, have read many books and started to draw, have blogged and set up a page to answer questions for the teen community Awkward Silence, and have decided (well I think) that I would either like to go into public health nursing or reproductive health nursing eventually. I turn 31 on New Year's Day, and we will celebrate (as a couple) with an overnight trip to Cowboy Dinner Tree and a stay in a rustic cabin there, and then a birthday dinner with our boys after we return home. 

I wish you peace, love, health and happiness in the year to come. Merry Christmas!
-Sarah

Consider Me Entertained...

Today I was surprised to have a voice mail from my CNA instructor informing me to read 4 chapters for Monday (thanks for the update!) and that no scrubs are required the first day (bummer!). It looks like I am going to have to hit the ground running. :) I am so excited actually, and thankful that God has His timing right for my cold (I would so rather be sick this week than next!) that I am slowly starting to get over...I think.  I had already read the first 1 1/2 chapters of my textbook just out of excitement (I know, I know nerd alert here!), so I am already almost done with the required reading today. The textbook is pretty dry, but it is still exciting to put myself in those Nurse Assistant shoes as I read. I have to admit though that my sarcasm has gone into hyper-drive. Every time I read rules that seem like such common sense, I think to myself wow, you actually have to put this one in writing? Does that mean someone was stupid enough (and by stupid I mean insanely moronic) enough to require this becoming a rule? For example, I now consider myself well-informed of the following things that I cannot do as a CNA:

• hit, push or pinch a patient
• restrain a patient
• withhold food from a patient
• remark about a patient's genitals (wow, really??)
• distribute pornographic material (including explicit cartoons)
• diagnose a patient
• use profanity or racial slurs

There were plenty of other don'ts, but I found these to be pretty comical and no duh kind of things. I also particularly liked the section on my hygiene and the fact that bathing and brushing my teeth daily is necessary to instill confidence in the patients of myself as a professional. Consider me entertained. On the other-hand  all joking aside I have learned about patient rights and my scope of practice as a CNA, the things I can and cannot do, and a code of ethics in healthcare that is right up my alley "Life is considered precious. Death is a natural process of life, and in the case of impending death, comfort and dignity shall be of the utmost concern." I love it! 

Sensitive Girl Here...That's Me

It is no secret that I am an animal lover. I was raised by 2 vegetarians who choose not to eat meat because they believe it is ethically wrong to kill animals. I did not eat meat from the ages of 8-16, and from 16-18 I did so only on occasion, as it was not in the house. I longed to be a veterinarian, even had visions of it my senior year of high school until I shadowed a vet office in Stockton, and had to witness a cat yowling miserably in its cage. When I inquired to the tech about the cat, I got an insensitive (or so I thought) answer, "It was hit by a car." "Well, doesn't the doctor need to see it right away?" I asked. "Oh,no," the tech replied, "It's pretty much a goner. Not much we can do for it." I had to blink back the tears. How could they listen to the cat and not do SOMETHING? Even if the something was to euthanize it, seemed better than letting it sit there for hours on end and wait its turn. I hope not all vet offices are like that. :( It was a bad experience. The tech told me about how the dead animals had to be bagged and removed from the office, and how you get used to it. I feigned a migraine and went home disillusioned. I haven't wanted to be a vet since. I find the idea of helping people easier, as I will be able to at least communicate with them, and know if I am hurting them. I was reminded of all this today when I looked out the back slider and saw that Rya, our yellow lab was bloody. Seems she has a raw wound on her neck, and I wondered if it was from our puppy, Max, chewing on her, as he does playfully. It made me mad. It made me sad. I grabbed a hand-towel, got it wet with warm water and carefully wiped her down. I put on some antibiotic ointment, but that was all she would hold still for. Tonight, I will have Barrett hold her head while I try to wrap the wound. 

I was reminded today that old convictions die hard. My sweet husband tried to talk me into going to shoot sage rats with him next spring, and I was disgusted by the video he showed me. In fact, I only made it 40 seconds in, and literally thought I might vomit (and I have a pretty iron-clad stomach). I had to tell him that it is not something I will ever want to do...or even be able to stomach, but that he can go without me. Today he posted a picture on FaceBook, something to do with hunting coyotes, and the picture of all these slain animals again disgusted me. Why is it that man thinks he alone has value? Why is it that men think they need to kill things to prove their prowess? I just don't understand killing just because. It seems so cruel. You show me a man that loves animals, and I will be bowled over with respect and admiration for him ANY day without thinking he's a sissy. My ex was into hunting and fishing. My husband now likes to hunt, though admittedly, goes very rarely. I have TONS of family members that hunt. And I eat meat. So what is my issue? I guess I think that using the meat is more respectful than killing something just because...or maybe I am just a big, sensitive, girly girl. :( I can't really explain it, nor do I know whether to be sorry for it or to embrace how I feel. 

Generation M (Misogyny)

I thought as I studied for my final later this morning, that I would share some of the amazing statistics I have learned this term in my Sociology of Gender class. The class, that I thought would be a complete waste of time, has actually been very interesting. I have learned that feminism is not the bra-burning, male-hating description that we often think of. I have learned that though things are much better than say 100 years ago, there are still many things that need to change in our society. I hope you will enjoy the statistics. They come from my textbook Reconstructing Gender by Estelle Disch, as well as from some of the films we have watched. Here is a trailer for Generation M, a film we watched in class about misogyny in media: Generation M.

• Cosmetic surgeries have increased 444% since 1995.
• 91% of all procedures are done to women.
• Many procedures are done of women who are not Caucasian to make them look more "white".
• 90% of all violent crime is done by men.
• Battered women make-up the majority of women incarcerated.
• Cosmetics industries do not have a single set of health and safety guidelines (kind of scary): See What's in Your Products...
• Every second 3 Barbies are sold.
• Pink is one of the few female artists to sing about women misrepresenting themselves in media.
• 20% of female veterans have been sexually assaulted.
• But up to 80% will not report.
• Women are still underrepresented in government and business.
• Women make up just 17% of congress.
• And only 3.8% of Fortune 500 companies have a woman as the CEO.

Hope you found these interesting. I did.

Sick...Again.

Sick, sick, sick...I am sick of being sick. Matt has had a cold for over a week, and Barrett had it as well, and I thought My rock-star immune system is keeping me well. Then it hit like a mac truck with no real warning yesterday afternoon. I sneezed, and then all of a sudden had the runny nose that could not be sated...you know the one that you blow over and over and over again, until your nostrils are red and chapped? Yep. Then came the sore throat, and the awful congestion. The runny nose clogged up as if to let me know that yes indeed, it had an even more obnoxious trick up its sleeve, the now you can breathe, now you can't routine. It was date night, and a much needed one at that. I know that not everyone gets breaks from being a parent, but we do in our routine and we were pretty content to hand them off and enjoy dinner and a movie. So, probably from all the caffeine I ingested because I felt like crap, I had to get up and pee 4 (FOUR!!!!) times during the movie I had wanted to see for the past month. At least it gave me a chance to blow my nose. Barrett asked if I even wanted to go out to dinner, since my symptoms had come from nowhere and seemed pretty bad (pretty sure I had a fever last night too). But I had saved ALL of my Weight Watchers Bonus Points to go eat the first meal that I felt was normal in 2 WHOLE weeks. I was not about to pass that up. One meal of not starving and fantasizing about bread, fettuccine  cheesecake and whatever else has become my mortal enemy. We opted for Mexican where I was able to enjoy the spiciness that temporarily meant I could taste things.

When we got home, I reached for the Nyquil. I know, that's twice in 2 weeks, but this time it was more than called for. And guess what?? It did NOTHING. I wiggled and squirmed, gulping air through my mouth all night. So today? Today I am low energy. (You think?). Today I watched Mean Girls in my pajamas, and partially blow dried my hair (just so I wouldn't be cold), and here I sit on the couch, nostrils plugged again, pressure in my head and ears. Barrett is trying so hard to be accommodating  but I know he is bored. Go, I want to tell him. Go play. It's sunny outside and I am going to sit here and dream of a sinus transplant that will allow me to breathe freely again, worry about how to entertain my 4 year-old tomorrow, and pray that the sickness will not last past this week...