Just Friends? When Friendships Cross the Line...

Ask any man or woman if they think that men and women are capable of being friends, and you will get a huge variety of answers. It depends the age of the person you are asking, their current relationship status, their past romantic history, etc. Just like any other somewhat personal question, people bring their past and present situation and experiences into the mix, forming an answer that works for them. I am amused that this question that seems so simple is usually peppered with the "only if" statements. These are qualifications (and my rebuttals below) that go something like this:

• Only if there is a huge age gap. (Hmmm...Demi and Ashton anyone?)
• Only if there is no sexual attraction from either party. (And how do you tell? Simple, just use the Sex-o-tracto-meter!)
• Only if they have never dated before. (This still leaves billions of possibilities...)
• Only if the women are lesbian and the men gay. (I have heard this statement, though will hint that from a past experience...it doesn't matter.)
• Only if they are really ugly or fat. (Again, read below...doesn't matter)

My entire post is written on the premise of friendships for married couples, so if this does not apply to you-don't get your panties in a bundle. First off, my take is that a man and woman can have friends of the opposite sex under specific circumstances only. My gut answer says no, and Barrett and I had a lively discussion about this forming a list of "rules" the other day! The great thing was that we agreed, and he really felt his definitions had changed since becoming a married man. The first thing that I would like to say is that man and woman were created to be together, to fulfill one another, and to make one another complete. Friendship with someone of the opposite sex, therefore, automatically puts you on a very slippery slope. All too often the "friend" that you talk to at work becomes the person you gripe to about your marriage, the person that tells you how nice you look, and that innocently flirts with you when no one else is around. Stop right there. Did you see the use of the adverb innocently? I am here to tell you as someone that has been through a divorce and is on her second marriage that what starts out as "innocent" (and remember this is defined by none other than the people doing the flirting!) is often really not that innocent. When something is lacking in a marriage, that friend at work (or the gym, coffee shop, wherever) is meeting a need that you are not getting from your spouse. Maybe they listen. Maybe they notice you. Maybe they see you in a different light. While it may make you feel great (I have been there, believe me!), what does it do to your marriage? Have you ever noticed that often you will hear about or see someone who was unfaithful to their spouse and you will think, But she's so pretty, I can't believe he cheated...and that other girl isn't even that great to look at. Admit it. We have all had thoughts like that. But you see, the thing is that the other person doesn't have to be that pretty or handsome or whatever...they just have to fulfill a need that is not being met in the current relationship. This is how an innocent flirtation becomes something where feelings are also involved, and then you have an affair on your hands friends. Oh, maybe you would never cheat, but if you have been in this situation, your hands are not clean, because you have had an emotional affair. It is your spouse, not any other person, who is supposed to be the one fulfilling these very intimate (though non-sexual) needs. 

I think you have to decide what works for your situation, though I will give you my own guidelines as well in case you need a jumping off point. If you have never had this conversation before with your spouse, it's time. Barrett and I decided that the only friendships we are comfortable with is those with other couples. This means that I have no problem hanging out with men and women we are both friends with, and would be okay with calling up the husband to help plan things for a surprise for the wife. This does not mean hanging out with the man without my husband present or he with the wife. Friendliness with people in the work or school setting is okay, but is limited to that setting, which means no texts, emails, phone calls that are not work related, and lunch with a female co-worker (for B), or with a male classmate (for me) is not acceptable unless we are in a big group. These are pretty strict rules, but I believe they are there for a reason. Marriage is the single most important relationship you will ever have. Your spouse has the power to build you up or break you down. Never take this power you have over someone else's heart lightly.

There is an old saying about erecting a hedge around your marriage (and a great blog post I have linked to below about just this!), but as you will read, she points out that it is possible to see through the hedge if I really try, and even stick my arm through. She urges to erect a wall around your marriage. I told Barrett this and we liked the saying so much that we decided our marriage would be within a brick fortress. When things are going well, bricks are added to fortify the wall, and when things are a bit rocky, bricks are removed. During these times we need to be more sensitive to one another, as the world is visible through the holes in the wall.  Our goal is a solid brick encampment around the two of us. This simply means not letting others in. It is a fortress not meant to be shared.

Recommended light reading.

1. Erect a Wall How to keep your marriage safe.
2. Are You in Trouble? When you are damaging your marriage.
3. Recent Study About Male/Female Friendships  And the research shows...