Snippets From My Saga: Part 9

I have never known guilt like the guilt I felt when my ex and I first separated and then divorced. I felt guilt at so many things, some big and some small. I felt guilt that my parents had paid a lot of money for me to have the perfect wedding, but I somehow could not make the perfect marriage. I had searched so long and so hard for all the perfect ways to do things. I felt guilt that I had not listened at all to my own parents, to family, or to friends that maybe I should not marry so young. I felt guilt that many of my so-called friends now had no idea how bad things had been at home, because I would not share that. I felt guilt that I had failed.

 I felt maybe there was something I could have done differently. Maybe if I had listened more, and pursued my own goals less we would have made it.  Maybe if I had asked more questions about his job, cooked better, or cared less about having clean house things would not have gone this way. I know that there were times I could have tried harder to be interested in the things that he was, or to care less about how much money we spent, or to have gotten ready faster (he hated how long I took!). I had never in my life failed at anything. I was a good girl, a good learner, a good worker…how did I get an ‘F’ in what mattered most?

Often I was bitter. I had so many goals once upon a time. I was such a smart girl, and good student. If I had not have ever married, I could have done anything. I could have been a doctor. I have to admit that I pined after what could have been much too much to be healthy. Had I never married him though, our boys would not have come to be, and just the thought made me feel guilty as well. Traveling down those paths was not a good choice for me.