Snippets From My Saga: Part 7

I grew up as an only child, and I reveled in the time alone. I never longed for others to play with-I had myself. My imagination kept me busy for hours on end, making up wonderful stories and entire worlds in my head. Then I discovered boys. Having a boyfriend made me feel alive and validated. Each poor boy I dated was to become the person I would talk at for hours on end, a built in companion and best friend. I didn’t have many friends in high school, but I wasn’t quite a loner either. What I had was one close friend at a time, many acquaintances that I enjoyed just fine but didn’t get too close to, and always a boyfriend. I was a sort of serial monogamist when it came to relationships. While I dated (and before actual dating had steady boyfriends too-in junior high) quite a lot, a short relationship for me was 3-4 months, and a long one was a year or two.  My favorite ex-boyfriend (that sounds weird doesn’t it?) moved on after over a year and a half with good reason, because I had become enamored with another boy.

 In my daydreams back then I longed for what some people see as normal and mundane. I wanted to be with my true love (whoever it was at the time) forever. Simple enough, right? (She says wryly). I wanted to be practically inseparable, except for when we had to go to work (I always imagined careers for us both), and to be the best of friends…one of those couples that is married for over 50 years and still holds hands. I still see those couples now and wish that for myself- all youth and vigor gone, but still in love.

When he left, I felt as though my world had shattered. I wanted to curl up in a ball in a dark place, never to be found again. My heart was breaking, but the weird thing was that it wasn’t breaking because I was still in love (because sadly, I wasn’t); it was breaking because my plan, the plan, had fallen apart and all that was left was pieces. I felt like I had died. I didn’t know who I was. I had been his wife, and I had been a wife for over ten years…my entire adult life thus far. Who was I when I was no longer a wife?