7 Years for My Miracle...and Counting

I would be remiss if I did not blog about one of the most important, and life-changing events in my life, and that is my Matthew. Seven years ago tonight he entered this world, making me a mom. I dug out his baby book this morning, and looked at the pictures (first of my sickly looking preemie baby, but then of my chubby toddler). In 2005, when Matthew was born, a gallon of gas was just $2.41, and The DaVinci Code and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire had just come out. :)

On Matt's first birthday, I wrote him a letter to read when he turns 18. I am thinking of adding another for him as well as for Isaiah too. I hope they will find them special. I have decided to share what I wrote for him  before his first birthday in 2006.

Scoring a Goal!

Dear Matthew, 
Happy eighteenth birthday my son!

As I write this, it is just twelve days before your first birthday, and what a year it has been! You went from being a tiny five-pound, premature baby to a strong, healthy and very bright little boy in just the blink of an eye. I am sure the from now until I give you this when you become a man will be just another blink away. I wanted to write to you so that you will know about your early days, as I am sure you will not remember! :)

You are a bundle of energy for sure, crawling at hyper-speed, dancing (or bouncing) to music, exploring books, and eating everything in sight! You love your bath-time, and walks in the field with Papa. You giggle like crazy when Daddy tickles and wrestles you, and cling to Nana when you are tired. You are the star of all our eyes, and very, very loved. I call you Mattie and my little bug, and smother you with hugs and kisses. I know the time will come when you are too big for that, and when being around me is not such a treat. For now though, your face lights when I walk in the room, and at this moment in time, I am your hero.

Your dad and I waited for five years of marriage before deciding to start a family. When we decided we were ready, it had been a tough year. My cousin, Windy, had been diagnosed with leukemia, and Nan (your great-grandmother), had been diagnosed with brain cancer. Nan had surgery in hopes of removing her tumor, just days before Windy passed. I prayed for a miracle, a glimmer of hope in such a sad time. That same week we found out I was pregnant with you! How excited we were for you! Being pregnant was like the anticipation of Christmas, only better.

You came 4 1/2 weeks early, and gave us quite the scare for awhile, but that is another story, and I imagine you will think this letter is already long! You did get to meet Nan, for a few months before she too, passed on. Even though the chemo had made her very weak, and her strokes made her unable to communicate well, she would smile and try to talk to you. You would gaze up at her and touch her face. I think that you were a bright light to her, an angel in her time of need. 

As you turn one, I dream of the many years I hope to spend with you. I don't have great ambitions for you, at least not in the way of career or money. I know you will accomplish whatever you set out to do. I just want a life of love and happiness for you. I want you to know that I will always love you, and I will be here to talk whenever. Thank you, Mattie, for making me a mom. 

Go Placidly Amid the Noise and Haste

Today I woke up early again to ride the bike, though every cell in my body wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to Barrett and forget exercise. After about 2 minutes on the bike Isaiah came in, and I sent him to find Barrett to ask for cartoons (so much for beating the sun and the kids awake!). Then cue Matthew, then Isaiah again, then Barrett and the puppy. I was  not a happy camper. It had taken all I possessed to get me on the stinking bike this AM, and it felt like the world was conspiring against me. I need to be left alone about 2 times during the day...when I attempt to exercise, and when I do my hair and makeup...other than that, I am pretty lax about interactions, even when in the shower or on the toilet! ;)Then, after Matt and Barrett are gone, Isaiah wants to play with the remote-control helicopter again (the one I thought had been charged all night), but it seems it won't hold a charge...already-that the batteries in the remote unit need replaced. It's one of those stupid, mom-hating, need a screwdriver to replace the batteries toys. I know how to wield a screwdriver, even knew where one was, but NO, it's one that needs like a tiny, miniature screwdriver...sigh. So, the helicopter will have to wait for my much-handier-than-I husband. Then I go to make Isaiah a bubble bath, and turn the water on, and it proceeds to SOAK the top of my head, apparently Matt had left it on shower setting. To top that all off, the X Box decided to quit working (we have no TV, just Netflix and Amazon...which we play through the X Box), and then the iPod won't work on it's dock (which I did get working). It's only nine in the morning, and I feel like I need a do-over!

But now, the storm has passed. Max is laying on the floor watching Isaiah build a train track while I type and listen to Pandora. When Barrett and I were married, his grandmother gave me a small book that was his mother's. It is called Desiderata. I thought it was a poem, and it sort of is, along with a prayer and advice. There was also a plaque that his mom had with the verses on it that now hangs in our bedroom. I have come to love it and look at it when I feel overwhelmed. Barrett's mom was a marriage and family therapist that raised Barrett on her own, often with the help of her parents. She was interested in psychology, relationships, spirituality and education. She loved the ocean and Chinese food. She frequently re-decorated their home. In these ways Barrett has told me that I am like her, and that I feel is a huge compliment. I will never get to meet her, as she passed a few years before he and I met. There was this tapestry that  I thought was ugly and was kind of a brat about. Barrett had hung onto it even though he had already gotten rid of a lot of her things before I ever knew him. I had joked about it not going up in our house. Then, I asked him why he kept that picture out of everything. He has said it had hung in his home, and reminded him of her, even though he admitted it was not the prettiest thing. After that, I found a place for the tapestry, and it hangs in our entry way above the front door of our home. And you know what? I am fond of it. It is a reminder that in a relationship, heck in a life, we weave our roots and vines with others to make one beautiful mess. It may not be as neat as if we grew alone, but it is much stronger. Below, though fairly long, you should check out Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. The title is Latin, and means the things wanted, needed, or necessary. And here is a link that explores the poem better: History behind Desiderata. 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may

be in silence. As far as possible

without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly 

and clearly, and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant,

they too, have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive 

persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself 

with others, you may become

vain and bitter, for always

there will be greater and

lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements

as well as your plans.

Keep interested

in your own career, 

however humble, it is a real

possession in the changing

fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business

affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is,

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself, especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face 

of aridity and disenchantment 

it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, 

no less than the trees and the stars, 

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be careful.

Strive to be happy. 

Just a Typical Monday Morning

Today is a typical weekday in my new routine, at least I am hoping it is what typical will look like for the next  four months or so. I woke up at 5:30 AM, then hit snooze 3 times, finally getting up at 5:54 ish. I threw on my yoga pants and climbed on the exercise bike with my Kindle Fire. I only rode 3.25 miles this morning, but I was still pretty happy-it's the first time I have gotten on it in a week and a half of having a cold. I was only up to 4.5 miles beforehand, so I am getting there...slowly. I showered and threw on some jeans and tee-shirt, and then breakfast was ready upstairs. One egg over-easy, one piece of sourdough toast and coffee with Creme Brulee creamer was waiting for me on the table. With the exception of some weekend mornings, Barrett makes breakfast each morning before he showers and goes to work. I love our routine!  After breakfast, I reminded Matthew to grab his lunch, and then walked down our driveway to wait for his bus. Max (our new German Shepherd puppy) followed me out to do his business, and Matthew and I talked about how much we love Fall. The trees on the hillside we face are turning yellow, red, brown and orange, and a few Maple trees on our property are dropping huge red and yellow leaves. Gorgeous!

After a few minutes with my love, Barrett left for work, and I directed Isaiah through making his bed, cleaning up his breakfast plate, and straightening up his room. Then, he proceeded to play with some of Matthew's new toys from his birthday party yesterday-I told him he could if he was very careful. He loves the new remote-control helicopter. Right now, he is watching a Baby Einstein movie which I thought he had grown out of, but he likes the ones that have all the animals and music...actually great for his attention span! :)

Planned for today is a trip to the park with Isaiah and Max which will include a walk around the path there (maybe I'll grab Isaiah's bike), him playing on the playground, and a visit down to the river. Lunch is hot dogs, and I also plan to read to Zay a bit today and get some laundry done. Later today we have Matt's soccer practice. This week I have to ferry Isaiah to Heidi for a visit to the dentist, have a Yoga date with one girlfriend, and lunch with another, a play-date with Isaiah, and a lunch visit with Barrett on Friday including a visit to Lane Community College to see where my two Fall classes are. This weekend, Greg has the boys, but we still see them at their two soccer games, and I am hoping for a date night with my hubby on Friday or Saturday night. I will also be researching the Dominican Republic, because we are considering an all-inclusive vacation this coming Spring there. (Look it up, it sounds bad, but it's actually a tourist hot spot with gorgeous resorts and beaches...for like half the price of Hawaii).

This is my life as I know it right now. I hope this post hasn't bored you too much. I am enjoying the slower pace to my days without work, without rush in the morning, and without a ton of added stress. I get to cook, and clean (which I usually don't mind too much), read and blog, and play with my little son. I feel really lucky and incredibly blessed with this typical day and life. 

How to Make Co-Parenting Work

"This is my ex-wife, Sarah," my ex-husband introduced me at the baby shower for him and his wife. Say that 5 times fast. Awkward? Yes, but only for a minute. I preferred the way his wife introduced me to her family and friends, "This is Sarah, Matthew and Isaiah's mom." I know at times it has to also be awkward for her, like at the boys' first soccer games when the very perky team mom introduced herself to the boys' dad and extended her hand to Heidi and said, "You must be Sarah." When Heidi declined, persistently friendly team parent asked, "Well, who are you then?" The fact of the matter is that our parenting quartet is getting better and more experienced everyday. While we may get some looks sometimes, co-parenting is actually working quite nicely for all of us. I love how Matt lists all the family names on his schoolwork when asked about his family. Mom, Dad, Barrett, Heidi, Isaiah, Wylie and Zoey in addition to himself (As Barrett pointed out, it makes it look like he has 5 siblings! But who cares?), and sometimes also Nan and Pop (my parents). If he were to list all the pets between the three homes that he considers to be his, he would have 3 horses, 6 dogs, 1 cat, and one guinea pig!

Shared custody was difficult at first. I knew I had to be okay with it, because their dad loves them, and me being upset with him didn't change that! Our custody arrangement is pretty typical, it's the 75% to 25% ratio. Meaning, they "live" with us, and they are with their dad every other weekend. Because we made the arrangement ourselves though, just loosely based on some guidelines, sometimes there is more time with their dad, and sometimes there are long stents with my parents as well. We share holidays fairly well, and soccer games, conferences,school programs and birthdays are events that we all attend if we can, and sometimes it's a weird combination like my ex and I or Barrett and him, or Heidi and I. We say, whatever works. We all love the children so much, and that is the only thing that really matters.

Maybe you aren't in a situation like mine, but if you are and are lucky enough to have a decent relationship with the other people in your kids' lives, I have come up with a few guidelines below for some co-parenting tips. And remember, it's only as weird as you let it be.

• Keep each other informed. Shoot an email or text (or even a call) to the parents that couldn't attend something, and let them know how it went. And keep guilt out of it!
• Share responsibilities. In our families, we take care of doctor visits, and their dad does dentist appointments. 
• Share expenses. We share the cost of sports and sports' camps. 
• Make it a point to be friendly to everyone involved and never speak ill of the other adults in front of your children!
• Include other kids involved. Always say hello and be inclusive to any other step or half siblings. They did not ask for the situation!
• Remember important dates. Always have your kids call their step-parent on Mother's or Father's Day and their birthdays. 
• Discuss any concerns. Do not let a molehill become a mountain. Tactfully and patiently discuss any snafus that have come up.
• Do small things together. Have a lunch date, take a day-trip, and show that you all know how to have a good time as one big, happy extended family. 
• Be grateful. Your kids are lucky to have so many people to look out for them! :)

Just Bite Your Tongue Until it Bleeds...

I love Facebook, and the fact that because of it and texting and the internet in general we can keep in contact with many people that we probably otherwise wouldn't. Sometimes though, I am appalled at the things that people say to one another and somehow think that it's ok. It's like those cute little old ladies that feel like they can say ANYTHING as long as it is followed by "bless their heart." It goes like this, "Oh, that poor baby is all wrinkled and ugly like my Aunt Felda, bless her heart." Yeah-you know what I'm saying!

 A friend of mine had a huge tragedy befall her. Her house caught fire, and while she and the children got out, her animals were inside. This breaks my heart for her and the kids. Some "friend" of hers posted that she doesn't crate her dogs for that very reason. REALLY??!! Yeah, because that comment was helpful. Who needs enemies with "friends" like that, right? Right? Nod with me if you too are aghast at the callousness and stupidity of that comment.

Oftentimes people say things without thinking that their words are hurtful to others. I have another friend with 4 young boys. When she is out with them in tow, people often come right up to her and ask if she is "still trying for a girl." I only have 2 boys, and I have been asked that. Without knowing any background, I guess people might not know that yes...both her and I wanted a girl, and no...neither of us are trying anymore. And while we love our kids to death, it'd be better if you well...minded your own business. 

Other times people say things to you because they feel it is in your best interest, or avoid talking to you about the things that matter most to you because they disagree. Many friendships have been scarred irreparably like this. The fact that I was dating so soon after my divorce bothered some of my family and my friends. So, they wouldn't talk to me about Barrett...or, they gave advice that they thought they needed to give, but it wasn't helpful (or kind) at all. While relationships can heal, especially when people admit their wrongdoing, it would be a lie to say that I  don't still think of some of the things said and suggested to me during a time that I was otherwise happy and falling in love. It also made me sad that my happiness made others uncomfortable. Sometimes I wanted to scream "It's not like you had to go through the divorce!" or "You have no idea what it's like right now!"- but I usually kept quiet. 

You see, a long time ago, as children, we probably all learned, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I'm here to do you one better on that. BITE YOUR TONGUE...Until it bleeds if you have to.

When We Lose Our Way...Part 1

I'd like to say that I found God in my early twenties, and that I was saved and never looked back. I'd like to say that I never question my own faith, the wisdom of others, and that I always act in a way that people could be proud of. I'd like to say that...but I can't. I have done things in my life that I am not proud of, things that have hurt people beyond reason, and I have taken actions that would definitely not make me the best role model for others. I have gossiped. I have been envious. I have lusted. I have taken the many treasures in my life for granted. 

Sometimes when we look at the things that we have done wrong, it is hard to see if we have ever gotten it right. But I know that we all have. I know that at times I have been the best mom, friend and wife ever. I know that at times I have built people up and set them on the right path. I know that even in an unhappy marriage, I was loyal for 10+ years. I know that I care when I mess up, even if it takes me awhile. 

I know that lately I have been doing the self-finding that people speak of doing when you are in your early twenties...but I was married then, working and in college. Now, I am beginning to wonder about things. I personally, know without a doubt that there is a God. He was there when my son was born and shouldn't have been. He was there when I laid on the bathroom floor sobbing when my marriage failed. And He is there everyday when I thank Him for the husband and family I have. But I am going to lay myself perfectly, embarrassingly open to you, my readers. I am opening up to tell you that I truly welcome your guidance and advice, but that I also blog because I find it to be cleansing. I do not seek to offend you or mock in any way the beliefs that you have come to have.

One thing I have trouble with is the entire concept of God. I guess I tend to think more in like a spiritual sense...it's hard to put it into words. I think God is everywhere, in everyone. I have trouble understanding why this supreme being needs us to worship him...because why would He need us? Why are we supposed to be guilty when we spend a Sunday hiking with our kids instead of sitting in a church? What if on the hike we gave thanks to God? Does it matter where we were? 

I have trouble thinking that one (or a small handful) of religious groups have it "right" and that everyone else will be barred from Heaven. I don't understand. At all. Some of the best people I have ever known have been Mormon, Buddhist and Catholic. Do they all have it inherently wrong?

I once listened to a sermon about animals and how the speaker said they have no souls, only humans do...so only humans can go to Heaven...and I was dismayed and confused. Had he never known a dog? Had a friendship with an animal? Known the close bond? And I wondered, why would our Creator go to the trouble to make these wonderful creatures if they were without souls?

Do you have questions too? Or do you have answers? I'd love to discuss. I know that I need God. I know that I am a far better person when I am seeking what is right. I know that I believe, but I also know that my faith is more childlike in the fact that I have all these wonderments and no real answers...

To be Continued.....

When True Love Doesn't Wait...What Then?

I am taking on this topic because it is one that I have genuine interest in, and because thanks to our freedoms in the US, I have every right to discuss it in the manner I see fit. I also am terribly aware of the fact that I may say something that offends you, my reader. I don't expect you to agree with me. Heck, I'd be surprised if everyone did, but I do expect you to be respectful and to add your own pearls of wisdom to the discussion if it pleases you. I welcome you.

After working at a Christian school, I became increasingly aware of just how big of a topic teenage sexuality is. I was not born yesterday, and I graduated from a high school in California with a graduating class of over 400 students...roughly 13X bigger than the school I worked at. Sex happened. Quite often and with no regards to social, economic or even intelligence levels. It was a common thing, not reserved only for the "cheerleaders and jocks", but for the "nerds," "4H", "drama," and "skater" kids alike. Plenty were not "doing it"-but plenty were. I hate to sound desensitized, but it really wasn't something anyone made much fuss about. I am not saying that is right, I am merely stating that no one really cared. At my former employer it was different, and presumably so. There was an annual assembly called The Silver Ring Thing that shared a message about sex before marriage and why it is better that true love waits. Many of the teens would also go to the nighttime version the same day, taking their parents with them. They would show up at school the next day wearing their own silver ring, right on the left ring finger where a wedding band would eventually go. In essence, I see nothing wrong with this sentiment. If waiting is important to a person, then they should indeed wait. 

What heightened my own curiosity was a study my college anatomy 2 professor shared with us. You can read it here: Virginity Pledger Statistics. The study found that among teenagers, those you pledged to remain virgins had just as much premarital sex as those who did not don a ring. 82% of pledgers actually denied ever taking the pledge within 5 years after taking it. The more unfortunate news was that the pledgers that went ahead and had sex, were much less likely to use any form of protection against STDs and unwanted pregnancy, putting their group at higher risk of sexually transmitted infections and parenthood. The fact of the matter was those that did not plan on having sex, truly did not plan even in the heat of the moment and then put themselves at higher risk then fellow teens that actively sought out birth control methods. Let me state the obvious: Sex is never an accident!!! For all the times I have heard the phrase, "It just kind of happened," or "We didn't mean to". Really?! This is when my sarcasm goes into overdrive and I am thinking, So you just kinda happened to take off your skivvies at the same time, and he fell and landed...You get my drift. 

I think waiting is a fine idea. I think that it is probably what God wants. I know that premarital sex can lead to many hurt and dysfunctional relationships and people. Here is what I also know, because I am trying to play Devil's Advocate (heehee...appropriate here I guess) on this issue as well. Saving yourself versus not saving yourself for your partner makes little difference in the grand scheme of things for your relationship and sexuality with one another. Now before you throw tomatoes at your screen in righteous anger, I said little difference in your relationship, I did not say little difference to God...so it may indeed make a difference to Him. I would just like to point out that plenty of couples who have had premarital sex (either with one another or a different partner) still enjoy happy, sexually fulfilling marriages and it does not stop them from having a faith either. On the same hand, plenty of people that waited to have sex may have dysfunction in their sexuality with one another, and then that special thing they waited for seems to pale in comparison to what they had dreamed of. Getting married to finally get the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow happens all too often. Then the marriage is driven by lust, not love or friendship. Sure, it can work nicely for a couple, and sometimes it doesn't. Both sides of the coin here, people. In this blog, the author takes on the concept of the Purity Ball: I promise, but what I found interesting were some of the comments the post elicited. What do you think?

My take on the matter is that purity because you want to have a stronger relationship with God is admirable, and I understand this take. But waiting your whole life, hoping someday God will bring you the man (or woman) you are meant to have sex with is...well, kind of sad, and the reason many virgins in their twenties and thirties stop waiting. You MUST read: Not "Waiting" Anymore. And even better, perhaps the reason it is SO hard for Christians to wait, but it is rarely talked about: people in Biblical times were often married off between 13-17 years of age-a must read article from CNN: Why Christians Aren't Waiting. Add to that the fact that though many pastors will encourage youth to wait, even drill it into them...many did not wait themselves. I am not saying that "two wrongs make a right," but I am saying that if you couldn't do it-how do you expect them to?

I am not sure what the "solution" is, or if one is even needed...What I do know, as a former educator from a charter then a Christian school, is that schools NEED to teach sexual education. We falsely reason that these kids are getting talked to at home (they come from such nice homes after-all)...but guess what? Many of them aren't. Then schools make the mistake of talking to them when they are 16 years old. Ummm....does anyone else see the problem with this picture. Talking to kids about safe sex does not make them want to go out and have sex, anymore than talking to me about airbags makes me want to purchase a  new car. We are doing our teens a huge disservice by not telling them the dangers and the realities that sex can bring. I used to watch Beverly Hills 90210 (yeah, yeah), and there is an episode that I LOVE and still remember about the school and parents arguing about whether or not to have sex ed. One of the moms finally says, "Not talking to our kids about sex is like us all having swimming pools behind fences but not teaching our kids how to swim. Sooner or later, they will all climb the fence, and if they drown..it's our fault." I couldn't agree more. While abstinence is a great answer, it is not the answer that 80-88% of teens choose by the time they reach 18. Open talks about sex with parents, teachers, even pastors need to become more prevalent. Just Sayin'.