Snippets from my Saga: Part 4

Even then I was bitter already, or was it still? I felt as though I was an actress watching myself from afar. What was I supposed to say, do, how was I supposed to act? The person that writes that book will be rich-What to Say and Do When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce For Dummies, something like that. I felt every emotion all at once. We joke about spring in Oregon. During spring here you can literally have a day where almost every weather exists-sun, rain, hail and snow. My emotions were like the springtime, ranging all over the place, and also going cold too.

 I was left to tell the children, two weeks before Christmas, that Daddy and I were through. He wanted to tell them together the next day, but I laughed a bitter, sarcastic laugh. Like I was going to make it that long? Children may be young, but they are intuitive, especially sons when it comes to their Mommy. They were 2 ½ and 5 at that point, and I explained as simply as I could that we both loved them, but not one another, and that Daddy was going to live somewhere else. Our older son cried, and as if on cue, the younger one did as well. I couldn’t stop my own tears, but I also figured why should I? This was reality, and sometimes reality just plain hurt. We clung together; a family that once was, broken.

That night, alone in our bedroom, my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. At 2 AM I awoke, after finally crying myself to sleep, and went into the bathroom, and gently took off my beautiful wedding ring (it had been a gift for our five year Christmas together), tucking it into my jewelry box. It was over, and I somehow just knew this. What does one do with a wedding ring from a failed marriage, anyhow? It’s not something you want to pass on. Ironically we would speak a few days later, on somewhat good terms at that time, and my soon-to be ex-husband would go on to tell me that he awoke in the middle of the night as well, and slipped his wedding band off and into his pocket…right around 2 AM. It’s funny how the world works sometimes, the duality of it all. I have always thought that if this were a movie, that would play out awesomely on the big screen. The torn apart marriage, the spouses alone, each surrendering their rings, and with them, their vows to one another.  All that would at least be Kleenex worthy.

Throughout the next few days I struggled to think about how and when it all went wrong?  Was there some big lightning-bolt like moment that struck our marriage, sure and swift?  It didn't feel that way. Instead it felt like a slow, sneaking cancer, metastasizing with no warning in all the viable places until we were far past recovery. When had we turned into people that the other did not want to be with? When did I begin to cherish, instead of resent, the nights we spent apart when he was at work? When did I begin to squirm at invitations that requested both of our presences, hoping we could make it through the event without a blow-up?  There was so much resentment, so much bitterness, and so much pure dislike of one another that it was hard to believe we had chosen to be with one another. 

Making Weight Watchers Actually Work for You

Two weeks into Weight Watchers PointsPlus Program, and I am very pleased so far. I have lost 5 lbs, and my husband has lost a whopping 16!! He tells me he has a lot more to lose, so it's such a shock for his system to be on such a restricted diet that the weight is falling off faster. This time around though, I do not feel (too much!) like I am starving to death, and I don't feel (too much!) like I am not allowed to eat yummy things. Of course anyone eating healthier will probably admit that there are things that they just have to avoid. This may be because they know they can't just have a little bit, or because the food is so bad that it should rarely be eaten anyway.

The points system is way friendlier to me than many of the free calorie counting programs, because I am not a number person. I don't really want to add calories, or deal with large numbers. My numbers/points never leave double digits, and I can do that math in my head. I also like that the points inadvertently teach you what is better for you. Sometimes I will look up the points on a food that I want and be so shocked by how bad it is that I no longer even want it. Can we say Dairy Queen Blizzard for 31 points?!

Anyhow, I wanted to show you what a fairly normal day for me looks like on the plan, as well as share some tips that I use to stave off hunger and to stay active and proactive about being healthy. I really think this time we are doing this right. The plan is becoming a life style, not a list of things we can't do, but a guideline for how we should live.

First off, I am short, 5'2 1/2, and I had only 25-35 lbs to lose (I am giving the range because I will see how I feel in 20 lbs from now). This means that I get the lowest amount of daily points known to WW, which is 26 (this is roughly 1,300 calories a day, but fruits and vegetables don't count so take that with a huge grain of salt!). Before when I tried the plan I was always hungry, but I was making poor choices based on old habits. Each week I also have 49 bonus points and usually rack up another 15 or so Activity Points. I don't use all the bonus points or the activity points, though I do splurge on one meal one day each week. I also try not to use my entire 26 points each day, and that has made a difference from me maybe losing .5 lbs a week (first time on WW) to just over 2 lbs. per week.

I love food and love to cook (I never thought I would say that!), so meal planning is huge in my house. My next two weeks are planned for dinners (and breakfasts since I like the same thing almost every day). I also have a sweet tooth, so I have been learning many WW friendly desserts, like the idea of taking reduced fat graham crackers and putting fat free cool whip in between them and then freezing. 2 points for 2 small squares or 4 pts for four whole ones. When I am craving sweets but don't want to use any points I have a stick of gum or a cup of chai tea with cinnamon sprinkled on it. Another trick is a sliced up apple in a sandwich baggie with cinnamon and a bit of water. You microwave for two minutes and have what tastes like apple pie (sans crust) in a baggie for 0 points. Plan what you will eat, and take healthy snacks in your car with you so that you have NO reason to stop at a drive through!

Hope this helps: 
Breakfast: 

• 1 egg fried with cooking spray
• 1 piece Sara Lee Delightful 45 Calorie a Slice Honey Wheat Bread with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray
• Chai Tea with one tablespoon of Coffemate Hazelnut or Peppermint Mocha creamer

(4 Point Breakfast)

Lunch: 

• Green leaf lettuce
• 2 tbsp Feta crumbles
• diced fresh pear
• Kraft Zesty Fat Free Italian dressing
• 1 cup Progresso Light Vegetable Soup

(3 point Lunch)

Dinner (we do lots of things, but I try to keep within 7-9 points): 

• homemade marinara sauce
• whole wheat penne pasta
• sauteed zuchinni

(7 point Dinner)

Snacks throughout day: 

• black tea w/o creamer
• diet Pepsi (because I need sweetness!)
• air-popped popcorn with butter spray mentioned above
• fruit (banana, apples, grapes, pears, berries)
• baby carrots and/or cucumbers with fat free cream cheese or hummus
• Dessert 1-3 points...I make lots of things, tonight is WW berry cobbler
• Dannon Light and Fit Greek Yogurt (Vanilla)

Snippets from my Saga: Part 3

I knew it was over, long before it actually was official. If my life was a novel, there had been plenty of foreshadowing. The weekend before we separated, my then-husband asked me if I thought it was possible that there was more than one "right" person in the world for him or me. We were gassing up our van after getting groceries, a pretty mundane task. Not for a moment did I even think the question was weird. We had both matured a lot since those lovesick days, and I thought it was a fair question. Years earlier, I would have told him no, that there was only one true soul mate for each person (thus implying that I had better be his!). On this day though, hardened by the realities of marriage, torn between feelings I had held before and perhaps ones that never should have even existed, I told him I thought there was. He agreed. Love, it seemed, was not hard as steel, but malleable and changeable like a soft metal over the fire.

What had brought this on? Surely there was someone else? But I knew that though things had been smooth for what, maybe three days, that arguing now had become our language. Though we would always make-up, and though we would still “be intimate”, the meaning was lost on us. Hell, the last time we were “intimate”, we couldn't even do that without arguing. No, really. I will spare all the details, but let’s suffice it to say that resentment had finally crept, like a slow fungus, into all aspects of our relationship. We had become roommates, business partners with benefits; both escaping back to our own lives every chance we got.  I knew in my heart that this was not like times past where one of us had left for a few hours or issued empty threats. This time was real. 

Snippets from my Saga: Part 2

Life does not always go the way it’s planned, in fact-it rarely does. Life is messy. Thankfully, our hands are washable. We can wipe up the mess, and begin again.

They say divorce is like the death of a loved one. They lie. Death is easier. In death there is peace. Death brings its gentle haze, the rose-coloring if you will, that makes the bad seem not so important and fuzzy, and the good blissful in memory. In death there is moving on. Deaths are cleaner; divorce is messy. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and there's a reason for that. The intimacy in a marriage, once gone, cuts like the deepest knife. It doesn't matter how long you've known it was over, it feels like someone you loved has died. In essence, someone has-the couple you once were or had hoped to be. Divorce can be ongoing, even years after it has occurred, and it can leave deep scars that take great patience and time to heal. Divorce sucks.

I know this because I have been on both sides of a divorce. I have been the happy newlywed, never believing divorce was possible, blushing and in love. In those days the “D” word wasn't even allowed in the house, thought of as an evil talisman. If we didn't say it, it couldn't possibly happen to us. Couples that had troubles and ended up discussing divorce were weak, unhappy souls, something we surely would never be. I have also been the mostly happy wife, while we struggled to start careers, acquire things and begin a family. I have been the struggling mom, clinging to my desire for a happy family, no matter the cost. Looking back, often that cost was in losing pieces of me. I have been the angry, accusing wife, the one not getting enough help or attention (in my mind). I have been the reticent bride, sorry for things that I should not have said but did anyway, and absent at times I was needed. I have wanted to run far, far away from responsibilities, dirty dishes, bills, and anyone else that needed me, wanting nothing more than time for myself. I have been the woman that looks like she has it all together, every hair in place, every fingernail a pretty color, and the same woman that cried almost daily in the shower where my hot tears could be silently washed down the drain. I have been the woman bitter by the deal she has got in life, regretful over decisions made and opportunities lost. I have been numb, not caring anymore about change, no longer raising my voice to disagree, clinging instead to my own career, or often, to nothing at all. I have been scared, hopeless, full of guilt and shame, wanting to hide my face.  But, I have also been hopeful, happy and ready to conquer life a second time, dating and marrying once again. I have worn many hats, as I am sure most of you have. Perhaps as you read these words, you see a glimpse of people you have been as well, and feelings you have had.

Snippets from my Saga: Part 1

I had to make a hard decision about my would-be book. Eight chapters in, I have come to realize that it is not something that I should ever publish. Because of the highly personal nature of it being about my way to and through divorce, there is much written about my ex-husband. Even writing it, I was softening and editing as I went, but there were times when he was painted in a very negative light (as I am sure I too would be if he were writing a memoir). While the writing has been very therapeutic, I have decided that to finish and to publish takes some very personal things and makes them public. No matter how many or few people read it- This is not fair to him and any changes that he has made to be better, and it is not helpful to us having an amicable relationship now. Mostly though, it is not fair to our children. I never say bad things about him to our boys, and I hope that he follows the same guideline. I figure that it is up to them to learn who we both are, to love us openly, and to do so without any biases getting in the way.

That all being said, some of you were very excited that I was writing this book, and I was so thrilled to have the support! Maybe someday I will write something that is not so personal-though those things are much harder for me to be passionate about. Until that time, I blog, I take pictures, and I cook to get my creativity out.  I will run a series of posts here on my blog with excerpts from the would-have-been novel. The things I  share, though still highly personal have been selected by yours truly as appropriate to share. I hope you enjoy.

I also share for any of you that have been through divorce. You are not alone. The first "snippet" is some facts about divorce.

Snippets from my Saga: Part 1

• In America, there is 1 divorce every 13 seconds.
• 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and the chance of divorce is even higher for people on second marriages.
• The average length of a marriage ended by divorce is 8 years.
• If you have happily married parents, your risk decreases 14%.
• Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Alaska have the highest divorce rates in the nation.
• While 5 in 10 marriages across the board fail, 4 in 10 are from Christian couples, and in many cases the response from the church has been hurtful and even devastating to people already going through a tragedy. 
• Divorce can lead to feelings of disillusionment and abandonment both for the man and women, but also for the children involved. 

Change it Up

So today, I was on my way home from a doctor's visit in Corvallis, and I decided it was time to take a new road home. This is HUGE for me. For those of you that think I am a normal, well-adjusted girl-Ha!! We all have our crazy-making issues, and driving is one of mine. I have never liked driving. It makes me feel unsafe, it makes me bored, it makes me anxious, it makes me claustrophobic, and it makes me always (always!!) wonder where a restroom is in case I need to stop (overactive bladder here unfortunately, though we are getting meds figured out). All that being said, I normally have to drive somewhere 3-4 times with directions in my hand or on my nav system before I am comfortable doing without. Once I know how to get somewhere, you had better believe that it is the only way I am going! I have been seeing the same OB/GYN since 2002 when I moved to Oregon. I know how to get there, and though it is like a 45 minute drive from my house (and no I am not changing doctors!)-the drive is not that bad. Now, normally I would go home the exact same way that I came. Today though, it was pretty out, and I decided that I was going to take the scenic route (Peoria Rd.) in a big loop through Harrisburg then back home. I only had to fight the urge to look up the directions a few times, and I did fight it. That might sound silly, but for this girl it was pretty darn huge. The drive was gorgeous, and relaxing. It was nice. I found a drive nice. Wow. 13 years of driving (I got my license at 18, not 16), and maybe things are changing for me.

This time of year, when the leaves are just beginning to fall, I tend to get introspective and nostalgic both. Sometimes change happens in the blink of an eye. Someone passes away unexpectedly, a pet is injured, a new job begins, a baby is born, and life changes quickly and irrevocably. Other times, change is slow, like the turning of the leaves into a different color or the growing up of a child. You see the little things each day until it finally hits you that indeed something has changed. I have encountered SO much change in the last three years, but most of it has been really great. Change can be amazing, and can wake us up. So today I encourage you to go do something different. Change your routine just a little. You may be amazed at the happiness and perspective that this brings.

Because Sometimes, Being a Grown-Up Sucks...

The monstrous moving truck full of Grandma and Grandpa's house was supposed to arrive last Thursday, and then last Friday. Barrett and I had had an argument because he wasn't sure what would happen to our anniversary plans for Saturday if the truck showed up then. My view was that it better not mess up our already belated celebration. Thankfully, it didn't. It was supposed to show Sunday morning. Finally around noon on Sunday (not morning by my standards especially for an already three day late moving company!), a very large moving truck, followed by a U haul truck to "shuttle" things down our apparently too curvy driveway (it was a large truck) to our barn for storage. Poor Grandma and Grandpa had carefully, painstakingly wrapped, written on and even flagged with red streamer each and every box according to where they wanted it moved. Ask me if this went smoothly? Go ahead...ask. Yeah, no way Jose. The barn is a complete mishmash of boxes they wanted up front being  put way in the back, wardrobe boxes (you know with needed clothes?) smushed and underneath other heavy boxes, furniture blocking necessities, you name it.

In the midst of all the excitement, the movers and the workers we had graveling (did I mention there were 3 movers and 2 other workers here simultaneously?) found our Clasrissa kitty under a bush. It appeared that she might have a broken leg, and Barrett and I knew we needed to get her to a vet ASAP. But we couldn't get out because of the moving truck and U haul truck, and we needed to borrow a pet crate that was still in said moving truck behind at least two more loads of stuff. Finally we left with our poor kitty to arrive at the crappiest, most horribly serviced veterinarian office ever. Clarissa was seen quickly, x-rays were taken, and we were told that she fractured both sides of her pelvis. This was likely from being hit by a car. :( She could have surgery to put in a screw of sorts (to the tune of $2,000+), or we could confine her, give her pain medicine and antibiotics, and hopefully the bones will heal in 4-6 weeks as the vet said usually is the case. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. And.............................................you guessed it! Waited. Clarissa was done 30 minutes or so after we arrived but we were there 3 1/2 hours!! I asked to settle the bill (ouch!!) a few times, and was told the bill was not ready. FIVE people with both more severe and less severe cases than ours came and went during this time until we were literally the only ones left. I was furious. I felt it necessary to do my own form of public service by informing the receptionist person that they had terrible service, thus embarrassing my poor husband.

The following AM? We find out that Sunday had been Grandma's birthday, and we completely forgot it with all the moving at broken catness. We felt AWFUL, and tried to make it up to her a bit yesterday.

Fast forward two days to a messy barn, stressed out but settling in grandparents, a crated cat that I have to crawl into the crate with and give meds twice a day, and a fairly disorganized house. On a positive, we have been passed down to by Grandma and Grandpa a couch, dining table and chairs, rug, a whole set of china dishes, and a (large) set of crystal glasses. Oh, and eventually, when we can get to it, a refrigerator. Luckily the couch, table and chairs, were moved in and our old stuff out on Sunday, though the movers didn't put anything where we said and tracked dirt onto my just cleaned floors. Oh, I could have screamed. Now the dishes are partially unpacked but will have to wait until I clean out what we already have.

Today I have exercised (which I don't like-remember? Just reminding you), vacuumed, swept, thrown dinner in the crock-pot and opened up a few boxes. It hasn't been that fun for a few days, though the new things are great. I keep reminding myself of my thoughts on Sunday. Have you ever actually talked out loud to yourself? Well on Sunday when I was at my wit's end upon finding out about our cat, I said "Seriously?? Why is all this junk happening at once?" And then I answered myself, "Because sometimes, being a grown up sucks."

Do You Need a Fridge Overhaul?

You know, it is amazing that I was not a fat kid. I mean, I must have had the metabolism of a racehorse, even into my twenties. It wasn't until the big 3-0 that my body started to catch up to (and reject in some cases) the food choices I was making. It has been almost a week since Barrett and I (former Weight Watchers drop-outs) started up the Weight Watchers PointsPlus diet plan again. If you are looking to lose weight, it does work. I can say that from last year when we did it. At that point Barrett lost 20 pounds and I had lost 8, and it had been about 5 weeks (he loses WAY faster than I do, though does have a bigger loss goal). Then we went away to the cabin in the snow and fell, heck we catapulted ourselves right off the wagon and ate with wild freedom for pretty much a year, with one failed attempt to try again. Now we are back where we started, and I am trying to lose 20-25 pounds. I tried to pick a realistic goal, though this still seems daunting. It gets me above what I was in my twenties, but well within a healthy BMI.

It's small, but after almost a week, I have lost 2 pounds! YAY!

Here's the funny thing: my doctors say I am healthy (and my dermatologist even said "fit"-HA! I like that doctor), but I know (because I can read!!!) that I am over where I should be. I also know that if the man I love is on-board with being more healthy and losing weight that I need to be too.

All that being said, my kitchen and my habits have needed a big overhaul. So instead of telling you all about it and what we shouldn't have in our kitchens (like we don't know that Little Debbie Cakes and potato chips are bad for us!), I figured I would keep it positive and tell you what IS in the kitchen (or at least the staples).

- fresh tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, baby carrots, bell peppers, broccoli, and pickles
-peaches, melon, bananas, blueberries, apples and blackberries
-Sara Lee 45 Calories and Delightful Bread (Honey Wheat)
-Reduced fat shredded cheese, cottage cheese, string cheese and cream cheese
-Deli-thin turkey breast
-Ground turkey burger, pork chops, chicken breasts, and pork tenderloin
-stir-fry veggies, and steam-able veggies
-Zesty Italian Fat Free salad dressing (Barrett does Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette), and hummus
-air-popped popcorn kernels and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Spray
-Vanilla Chai Tea (and yes, I do put REAL coffee creamer in this, full fat...but just a tablespoon)
-eggs
-canned pumpkin (A MUST to have on hand for low calorie desserts)

I have cravings, but my mindset has changed quite a bit. As the wife and the mom, I am the one who controls the bulk of what we keep in the house and what is cooked, so changes needed to happen! This is for my husband, my kids, and myself because yes...I have to admit I do care what size dress I wear! My biggest  habit changes? Get away from the kitchen after dinner. I save enough points for a light snack (I don't use all my points on purpose anyhow), but then I have to go downstairs, outside, anywhere else otherwise my kitchen talks to me. It tells me what I should eat! I am drinking more water...okay, I hate water-always have, but I am drinking more tea, which uses water! Finally, I am trying to be more active, which means making sure I exercise every other day as well as do something active as a family, like ride bikes or go on a long walk.

So, far so good. But it is a long road, so I am just keeping my head held high. I am a dessert person, so I am learning lots of low-fat, low point dessert options, and we use one meal each week to splurge a bit with our "bonus points." But, it's going. Tonight for dinner is sour cream and garlic mashed potatoes, Parmesan turkey meatloaf, steamed broccoli, and pumpkin spice muffins for dessert...which believe it or not adds up to only 10 points!

Bedpans and a Spot of Tea? I guess I am back, and here's why...

So, I guess I am back.

That was actually a shorter absence than I had planned. It was only a month and 10 days, and yes-I do know that. Here's what I have learned in that time: my boys absolutely amaze me, and we can have fun together. That being said, this gal also needs some things that are just mine. When I began this blog, it was to write about my journey as a woman in her thirties making a major career change and what it would be like. While that is still a major topic, this blog has become my journal of sorts. On this blog I have ranted and raved, sobbed and laughed hysterically, and I have thought...a lot! It is my baby, and much like any other blogger I imagine, I read previous posts and either love them or cringe that I shared what I did, or that my writing style was lacking. Oh well. I decided to come back because I don't care if it gets read (I love that you DO read, don't get me wrong), but I care about writing it. It is enjoyable to me. It helps me see life more clearly.

I changed a few minor things on my blog, but decided not to make any big changes. I was going to completely start over, have a new name, new site, etc, and Barrett says why? It's yours, do what you want with it. I said to him that I was no longer working with cadavers, and I can't have coffee anymore except for rare treats (gasp!!! I know...right?), so that makes the name kind of not work. I do love coffee though (sigh) and cadavers are way cool. He told me it still works though, and laughed at my feeble attempt at a re-name to Bedpans and a Spot of Tea (yeah, I drink tea now, like I'm British...:) Okay, I know lots of people drink tea, but I joke about it!). I thought that was a cool name! But what do I know?

So, I am here and I am back. You can read all about whatever floats my boat on here everyday or every few days when things get hectic. I begin CNA classes in September, apply to the nursing program this winter, go through CNA Level 2 this winter, and hopefully get a part time job after Christmas. If I get into the RN program the first time it will start next fall, and if I don't I will keep on trucking baby!I am excited. The program I am in does part of our clinicals down at Riverbend Hospital in Springfield. You can also read about my family, Barrett and his possible work changes to come, Matthew in swim league, soccer and starting second grade, Isaiah in soccer and starting kindergarten (!!!), and our new sharers of the property, Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Jim (B's grandparents) who are moving up this Thursday (EEEK!!!-but a good eek!). You can read of our once again relationship with Weight Watchers (and how we manage without starving. Or cutting anyone come to think of it!), Max the Wonder Dog, the huge home addition, my thoughts on scrubs (LOVE them), travel, and anything else. And I am sure I will have some excellent stories to tell of both school and work when I get  that far.

I look forward to sharing of myself once again, and I have missed your interactions with me.