Just Friends? When Friendships Cross the Line...

Ask any man or woman if they think that men and women are capable of being friends, and you will get a huge variety of answers. It depends the age of the person you are asking, their current relationship status, their past romantic history, etc. Just like any other somewhat personal question, people bring their past and present situation and experiences into the mix, forming an answer that works for them. I am amused that this question that seems so simple is usually peppered with the "only if" statements. These are qualifications (and my rebuttals below) that go something like this:

• Only if there is a huge age gap. (Hmmm...Demi and Ashton anyone?)
• Only if there is no sexual attraction from either party. (And how do you tell? Simple, just use the Sex-o-tracto-meter!)
• Only if they have never dated before. (This still leaves billions of possibilities...)
• Only if the women are lesbian and the men gay. (I have heard this statement, though will hint that from a past experience...it doesn't matter.)
• Only if they are really ugly or fat. (Again, read below...doesn't matter)

My entire post is written on the premise of friendships for married couples, so if this does not apply to you-don't get your panties in a bundle. First off, my take is that a man and woman can have friends of the opposite sex under specific circumstances only. My gut answer says no, and Barrett and I had a lively discussion about this forming a list of "rules" the other day! The great thing was that we agreed, and he really felt his definitions had changed since becoming a married man. The first thing that I would like to say is that man and woman were created to be together, to fulfill one another, and to make one another complete. Friendship with someone of the opposite sex, therefore, automatically puts you on a very slippery slope. All too often the "friend" that you talk to at work becomes the person you gripe to about your marriage, the person that tells you how nice you look, and that innocently flirts with you when no one else is around. Stop right there. Did you see the use of the adverb innocently? I am here to tell you as someone that has been through a divorce and is on her second marriage that what starts out as "innocent" (and remember this is defined by none other than the people doing the flirting!) is often really not that innocent. When something is lacking in a marriage, that friend at work (or the gym, coffee shop, wherever) is meeting a need that you are not getting from your spouse. Maybe they listen. Maybe they notice you. Maybe they see you in a different light. While it may make you feel great (I have been there, believe me!), what does it do to your marriage? Have you ever noticed that often you will hear about or see someone who was unfaithful to their spouse and you will think, But she's so pretty, I can't believe he cheated...and that other girl isn't even that great to look at. Admit it. We have all had thoughts like that. But you see, the thing is that the other person doesn't have to be that pretty or handsome or whatever...they just have to fulfill a need that is not being met in the current relationship. This is how an innocent flirtation becomes something where feelings are also involved, and then you have an affair on your hands friends. Oh, maybe you would never cheat, but if you have been in this situation, your hands are not clean, because you have had an emotional affair. It is your spouse, not any other person, who is supposed to be the one fulfilling these very intimate (though non-sexual) needs. 

I think you have to decide what works for your situation, though I will give you my own guidelines as well in case you need a jumping off point. If you have never had this conversation before with your spouse, it's time. Barrett and I decided that the only friendships we are comfortable with is those with other couples. This means that I have no problem hanging out with men and women we are both friends with, and would be okay with calling up the husband to help plan things for a surprise for the wife. This does not mean hanging out with the man without my husband present or he with the wife. Friendliness with people in the work or school setting is okay, but is limited to that setting, which means no texts, emails, phone calls that are not work related, and lunch with a female co-worker (for B), or with a male classmate (for me) is not acceptable unless we are in a big group. These are pretty strict rules, but I believe they are there for a reason. Marriage is the single most important relationship you will ever have. Your spouse has the power to build you up or break you down. Never take this power you have over someone else's heart lightly.

There is an old saying about erecting a hedge around your marriage (and a great blog post I have linked to below about just this!), but as you will read, she points out that it is possible to see through the hedge if I really try, and even stick my arm through. She urges to erect a wall around your marriage. I told Barrett this and we liked the saying so much that we decided our marriage would be within a brick fortress. When things are going well, bricks are added to fortify the wall, and when things are a bit rocky, bricks are removed. During these times we need to be more sensitive to one another, as the world is visible through the holes in the wall.  Our goal is a solid brick encampment around the two of us. This simply means not letting others in. It is a fortress not meant to be shared.

Recommended light reading.

1. Erect a Wall How to keep your marriage safe.
2. Are You in Trouble? When you are damaging your marriage.
3. Recent Study About Male/Female Friendships  And the research shows...

Be Your Mate's Best Friend...

I know that I take days off at a time where I write nothing at all, and I am always slightly scared that my readership will go away, and then pleasantly surprised that when I write, there are readers once again. I am thankful for that because I enjoy writing, but also grateful that I will never feel like a slave to having to write...make sense? Anyhow, sometimes my absence is due to me just feeling extra introverted and quiet, other times because I truly am busy with school or my kids, but more often than not it will be because I am busy with my love. 

Many people can be so cynical around "newer" couples. They joke that the connectedness, the in-love feelings will go away at some point and that marriage will become dull. Others joke that life will become routine, a force of habit, and that any "romance" will have to be scheduled out, and it too will often be from feelings of obligation. I am here to tell you that this is unfortunate. This is simply a way to live that I hope to never engage in (again). While out with some friends this weekend, it was joked about that Barrett and I still had that "newlywed" glow about us, and when Barrett commented that this January we will have been together for 2 years, our friend said , "Wow! I guess I didn't realize it had been so long." Granted, two years is not that long in the grand scheme of things, but Barrett and I are closer now than ever, more in love now than the day we exchanged vows, more in awe of one another than when we were first falling in love. I'm not sure that we have stopped falling. Why stop? It is so wonderful. There is no better feeling in the world than the cocoon of warmth that exists around two people oblivious to the rest of the world. If this has been lost, if your relationship has become stagnant, I encourage you to get this back!

It is nice to hear people joke, and if it truly bothers anyone that yes, we do indeed hug and kiss (though not in a gross way!) in front of others, then they can turn away. Once Matthew remarked about just that. I joked that it must be terrible to have parents that liked each other so much. Conversations don't always run deep when you are the mother of young boys, but I can tell you that his shrug followed by his big grin  and six little words, "It's a lot better than fighting" said all I needed to know.  I am sobered by the fact that Matthew, unlike his little brother, is old enough to both remember some good times of his mom and dad together, but also lots of times with us at each other's throats. I am also reassured that yes, it is a good thing for a child to know his parents love one another.

So, how do you stay in love? How do you fall further with each passing day? I am going to tell you the secret, but you have to promise to take it for all it's worth, as likely you have heard it before and passed it off as cliche. Be your mate's best friend. Seriously. I cannot tell you what a difference this makes in a relationship. Not only do Barrett and I talk about anything and everything, but we make it a point to truly know one another's interests as well. We read some of the same books and discuss them. We watch movies the other one picks out. We read and then email news storied to each other that we think will interest them. I accompany him to do his hobbies and vice versa. Here's the key to the women reading...do you ever feel left out that your husband is gone? Is he off watching a game, deer hunting or fishing, and you are at home? Now ask yourself...has he ever invited you? Chances are that if your husband did and you went once and never again it was because you complained so much or showed such lack of interest that he figures he will do it without you. The secret that he may never tell you is that he actually wants you there. You may wonder why he has to do said hobby at all. Here's the thing, people should never have to give up something they love for someone they love, because if you love him (or her) you will try to understand that their interests are important to them. You will want to go along (even if sorting toenail clippings sounds like more fun), because you would rather be there with them than be apart. Make it part of your life too, even if just a small part.

That's the reason Barrett knew he could invite me to a gun show, and that I would attend with him. Other than my sarcastic quip ("why whatever does one wear to a gun show? Not sure Cosmo has ever covered this..."), he got reassurance the whole time that not only was his hobby okay, but that he could bring me into that world with him. 

Can you be your spouse's best friend? It's not too late. I read on a blog that I follow that there is no such thing as being too tired to make love (could not agree more!), but I am going to go one further, there is no such thing as being too busy to truly know your partner. Instead of recreating the wheel, I came across a few pointers I have included below. 

7 Ways to be Your Spouse's Best Friend...This is a great, quick read!

And finally, the quote we have decided to LIVE by..."Love one another when it is least deserved...because that is when it is needed the most."

Leaves Like Snow

Today is a busy day, but it is also a quiet and reflective day. Last night, against my protests, Barrett convinced me to watch a scary movie, Christine, an old movie about a killer car. I know, I know, it really isn't very scary you are probably thinking if you have seen it. The thing is, I am SUCH a baby about scary movies. I stared at the ceiling last night for hours upon hours while Barrett snored next to me, with my head running wild with images that the movie never even showed...just described. My imagination is wild enough to fill in all the gaps, making a not that scary movie absolutely grotesque. I dozed a few times and awoke from nightmares, turned the lamp on my nightstand on (because bad things don't happen when there is light...right?) Well Max, decides then to howl and whine at the door, even though he never needs to go out at night, probably because I had the light on. I was just starting to doze, and the clock on the ceiling (ours is projected up high) says 1:00 AM. Barrett, who has become fluent in interpretation of Sarah, wakes up to a sigh (from me), and trudges out with the dog for his not-so-necessary bathroom break, even though I was wide awake, but there was no way in you know where that I was venturing outside. Afterall, my car may decide I've angered it, and it will come alive and run me down! Great husband that he is, Barrett's only complaint was a stab at logic..."the dog is awake because the light is on," and other than that, he snuggled me close all night as I tossed and turned, finally finding sleep around 1:30 or 2.

On the same note, the other night I drove back from my first time at my new book club group (I enjoyed it!), and realized it was my first time driving alone in the dark in a long time. I am a wuss. I hate dark, country roads, and always imagine being attacked and no-one being around to hear me scream (see, in the city they would at least hear me!). I imagine killers lurking in the backseat of my car, just waiting to strike, and monsters around every turn. Yeah, I am 30...and no, I have NOT outgrown this fear! :) My drive is mostly country, so the other night I finally broke down and called Barrett and told him he had to talk to me on the way home!

On my delightful 4-5 hours of sleep, I hurried to shower and dress to be down at Lane for an advising appointment that was practically worthless, but was recommended. Yes, I know the classes I need. Yes, I am planning on applying this Winter. Oh? You want me to meet with someone else next week to get the final go ahead? Yay, me. I also found it amusing that the adviser pointed out to me that I have the prereqs I would need for other programs too, like Dental Hygiene and Respiratory Therapy. No, duh!!! I wanted to scream, but it has made me again think about perhaps applying to other programs too...Oh, and I loved the fact that he actually said out loud "there are easier schools to get into than ours." Thanks for the vote of confidence. My grades are actually pretty great...give or take a few B's here and there. Maybe later today I will examine other possibilities as what-ifs.

Now it is almost time for the next few activities in my busy day, lunch with my friend Candi, pest company visit to our home (yay!!!), picking up Matt from school early and getting him to Heidi for dentist appointment, and then later after B gets off work, back up to Albany for trick-or-treating with my boys, my ex, Heidi, and her daughter. 

It did occur to me again today that Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I found myself giggling out loud as I drove through the rain and wind, making leaves flutter to the ground as if snowflakes...so gorgeous!  Then again, giggling to oneself also could be a symptom of sleep deprivation! Happy Halloween.

Calling in the Troops

I like a clean house. I think I have established that in earlier posts. I also would not give up living in the country ever unless I absolutely had to after the past 7 years of country living, first in Lacomb, outside Lebanon and now just south of Brownsville. I love my deer that roam our 6.5 acres here, the wild turkeys I sometimes see, the quiet, and the fact that the stars show up so well out here without city life. Now, what does this have to do with a clean house? Being in the country also means a lot more mud, tall grasses and gravel tracked inside...and it means more bugs. Yes, bugs. I have been through some pretty gross insect problems, and actually most were in the city. Teeny tiny red ants invaded my apartment in California, and spiders my suburban backyard in Oregon. Now...we have a pest problem. It's like admitting I'm an alcoholic (only I'm not!)...Hi, my name is Sarah...and I have a bug problem. 

It began with swarms of yellow jackets this summer, building nests in the walls of the house (oh, yes!), and Barrett would set up his shop-vac and let it run all day at the entrance of their "home". We would look later, after he sprayed poison down the vacuum hose, and find the shop-vac almost halfway full of yellow jackets. Mind you, that's hundreds...maybe even thousands, it's not like they take up much room. We hung one of those trap things. It's full of yellow jackets. This was annoying, and gross, and Isaiah ended up stung 4 times this summer. But the major thing has been now that it's getting wet and cold, they are somehow making their way inside. I killed 6 yellow jackets in poor Isaiah's room this afternoon. I hunted them with my vacuum hose attachment! I killed 2 more in my bedroom downstairs. I am not amused. 

It does not end there though. We also (lucky us!!!) have a lady-bug problem. Yes, cute little ladybugs that I will never, ever think are cute again. Apparently they are really called Asian Lady Beetles, as they can come in red, orange, brown, yellow and even a lime green with or without spots. They look like ladybugs. I frankly don't care what they are called. They are invading my home. I used to have a student that was scared of ladybugs and we would all poke a bit of fun at her. This would be her worst nightmare. They come in seeking warmth, and they come in droves. My hand-held vacuum cleaner, and my hose attachment are the only match for them, and I have to vacuum a few times a day!!!  

I finally told Barrett, after returning home today to a door covered in lady-bugs and the 6 yellow jackets in my son's bedroom, this is enough! I know it's not because we are dirty, but it makes my skin crawl, and they are not welcome in my home. So, he called in the troops. Wednesday a pest company will come out and for a nice sum and quarterly contract...take care of the bugs. Fine. Sign me up.

55 Pounds of Pumpkin Later

It has been an icky week, just very tiring and emotional all-around. Today I was determined to have a great day with both boys (Matt has no school on most Fridays), but I awoke with a headache, proceeded to be overly sensitive to Barrett this morning, and was grouchy before I'd even had a shower. But...Thank God for the pumpkin patch! 

55 pounds of pumpkins later there were 2 happy and exhausted muddy boys and one happy and exhausted muddy mother. We went to Lone Pine Farms in Junction City, and if you are from around here, I highly recommend it. Barrett found it online at http://www.lonepinefarms.com/. We were sad that he didn't get to go, but the forecast says rain all weekend, and none today. There were goats to pet and feed, a large playground, a store with ice cream and food as well as produce, a "cow train" small roller-coaster ride and the choice of a tractor drawn or horse drawn trip to the pumpkin patch (HUGE one) to choose pumpkins (priced by the pound), and a corn maze. It was a great place to go. We literally could have spent all day there, and as it was were there for about 3 1/2-4 hours. It did cost us about $45 for all we did, but I wanted to check everything out...and we did buy pretty good-sized pumpkins, so you could definitely do it for less (or also for more, as the $7 Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches smelled delicious!!).

The maze was long, and we spent over an hour in it, reading Halloween trivia clues off of a laminated card out loud that would tell you which way to go...if you guessed the right answer. We even cheated and looked a few up on my phone! The maze is haunted at night, but it gave it the right amount of spooky during the day to see most of the props set up, like a ghost town, deserted school bus and creepy gingerbread house area that we walked through to name a few. One fun aspect was the clues...you would have to find numbered posts, and then solve the trivia and it would say which way to turn. There were also fun-house mirrors throughout that really gave weird illusions of which path you had come from. I hate scary stuff, so walking through the maze with just the two boys on a cloudy, windy day was really fun. I doubt we'd like the actual haunted maze. About half-way through we all wanted to give up, then saw a sign (and an emergency exit) saying we were at the half-way point. We decided to keep going, gave fist-pumps and went on our muddy way. 


Lunch today? Tillamook ice cream cones. We got three pumpkins at the actual patch, and now that we are home, we all changed into "soft clothes" and I put the muddy clothes in the washer. The boys are watching Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs, while I attempt to make P.F. Chang's Lettuce Wraps with jasmine rice for dinner. Surprisingly, the trip with my boys gave me the energy to do so, and put a huge smile on my face. Thank you, God, this was just what I needed. 

IT etiquette

Here is my short rant on etiquette in the information age between friends and loved ones. If someone texts you, respond as soon as is appropriate for you. Do not wait until the person no longer wants to talk or thinks you are angry at them. If you are in the middle of a text conversation, do not leave people hanging. The information age has made communication easy, efficient and practically instantaneous. It is beyond rude for someone to send you a whole well thought out paragraph and you to respond with a smiley. Really? Don't overwork your thumbs or anything. Most people are aware (especially if they know you well) when you are more available than others. Oh? And if I send a text? Please don't respond with a phone call. I texted because I am somewhere where the conversation topic is more appropriate to be written and read versus said aloud ( like in line at a grocery store, out of good cell coverage range-my phone actually gets way better email and text coverage than phone coverage at my home, or I may not want children to overhear).

The same goes with email. If you have a smartphone, guess what? People are well aware of the fact that your email also shows up on your phone. And the uncanny thing is that you can respond from your phone. Again, respond in a timely fashion. Never claim technology naïveté when people know what your phone can do! :)

On Facebook, here are also a few things. If someone takes the time to actually try to be more personal with you by posting on your wall a short message, a response, even just a short one, is required. The fact that you had a post meant that someone cared enough to take the few minutes to do so. If someone tries to chat, respond. Or... Turn chat feature off. I often do this when I just want to waste a few minutes on Facebook but have no desire to chat with anyone. It's handy.

Don't Poke...Will Cry.

Do you ever have one of those days (weeks even) that you feel as if your emotions are so out of balance that if someone walked up to you and poked you in the arm, you would unleash all the tears, all the anger, the hurt, and the frustration you have been keeping in? That's me today. While I am trying to just focus on studying for my upcoming midterms and general menial tasks like folding laundry, my insides are quaking with every thought and feeling that swims in an endless sea of uncertainty. Ever hear of Charybdis? It was a great sea monster rationalized into a violent whirlpool, from Greek mythology. Charybdis lives inside me right now. 

I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am actually trying to not talk about my feelings much recently because I have a feeling that even those that love me most are sick of my indecision, though they would never say it, and though Barrett and my parents will no doubt support anything I choose to do (oh, you want to be an astronaut now? Okay!) with enthusiasm and unconditional love...that doesn't mean they want to sit and analyze everything either. So I blog. At least you have the option of closing the webpage and going back to your life. 

On another note, I will not talk about one of the reasons I have been upset as of late, except to say that it is through only my parents, kids and husband that I have ever known unconditional love. And perhaps God, though not the one that condemns my every action that people like to wield as a weapon against others, but the one that sees my faults and loves me anyway. That is what I would like to believe God is. But I digress. Perhaps another post another day. Let's just say that I have once again learned that love can be conditional, and when those conditions are not met, it is revoked utterly, immediately and irreparably. 

Back to Charybdis. While you may tire of my rampant vexations at the institution of nursing program admissions, it is maybe because you need to understand me better. In a previous post from a long time ago, I talked about being personality type INFJ-now whether or not you put merit in personality categories, I can tell you that I have seen scarily accurate indications that these categories truly do exist. You can find out what you are if you want...see: 52% Introvert...How About You?. Anyhow, finding a career, the right career, is of utmost importance to me. While I have no problem working, and have never shied away from responsibilities, I have an inherent NEED to find my calling. I do not want a job or to just pay the bills, and if that were the case I would have left well enough alone...(though teaching doesn't exactly pay bills well). I need to know what I should do. What it is I ought to be doing that I can do with all the 
care, passion and integrity that I possess. 

Life has defining moments. I remember when I was a freshmen at junior college, taking a religion course. I was trying to decide between being a nurse and a teacher, and I stayed after one day to consult my professor. "Does it matter to God what I do?" I asked him. He told me he thought that one person could have many good fits and asked about the things I was considering. His words of advice? "As a nurse I imagine you would also get to be a teacher."
When Greg was deciding whether to pursue a degree in business or to become a police officer, we had gone away on a marriage retreat with our church, and had ventured off to a bookstore. We walked in, and a small wallet-sized card fell at his feet. On it read Prayer of a Police Officer. We of course saw it as a huge sign, and I believe he still carries it today, years later. On either side of the display was Prayer of a Teacher and Prayer of a Nurse, and we joked about which one was meant to be mine. 

I am okay with persevering, re-taking classes, applying to various programs, and working as a CNA until the day comes that I am accepted into RN school...but I want to know it is the right thing.