Leaves Like Snow

Today is a busy day, but it is also a quiet and reflective day. Last night, against my protests, Barrett convinced me to watch a scary movie, Christine, an old movie about a killer car. I know, I know, it really isn't very scary you are probably thinking if you have seen it. The thing is, I am SUCH a baby about scary movies. I stared at the ceiling last night for hours upon hours while Barrett snored next to me, with my head running wild with images that the movie never even showed...just described. My imagination is wild enough to fill in all the gaps, making a not that scary movie absolutely grotesque. I dozed a few times and awoke from nightmares, turned the lamp on my nightstand on (because bad things don't happen when there is light...right?) Well Max, decides then to howl and whine at the door, even though he never needs to go out at night, probably because I had the light on. I was just starting to doze, and the clock on the ceiling (ours is projected up high) says 1:00 AM. Barrett, who has become fluent in interpretation of Sarah, wakes up to a sigh (from me), and trudges out with the dog for his not-so-necessary bathroom break, even though I was wide awake, but there was no way in you know where that I was venturing outside. Afterall, my car may decide I've angered it, and it will come alive and run me down! Great husband that he is, Barrett's only complaint was a stab at logic..."the dog is awake because the light is on," and other than that, he snuggled me close all night as I tossed and turned, finally finding sleep around 1:30 or 2.

On the same note, the other night I drove back from my first time at my new book club group (I enjoyed it!), and realized it was my first time driving alone in the dark in a long time. I am a wuss. I hate dark, country roads, and always imagine being attacked and no-one being around to hear me scream (see, in the city they would at least hear me!). I imagine killers lurking in the backseat of my car, just waiting to strike, and monsters around every turn. Yeah, I am 30...and no, I have NOT outgrown this fear! :) My drive is mostly country, so the other night I finally broke down and called Barrett and told him he had to talk to me on the way home!

On my delightful 4-5 hours of sleep, I hurried to shower and dress to be down at Lane for an advising appointment that was practically worthless, but was recommended. Yes, I know the classes I need. Yes, I am planning on applying this Winter. Oh? You want me to meet with someone else next week to get the final go ahead? Yay, me. I also found it amusing that the adviser pointed out to me that I have the prereqs I would need for other programs too, like Dental Hygiene and Respiratory Therapy. No, duh!!! I wanted to scream, but it has made me again think about perhaps applying to other programs too...Oh, and I loved the fact that he actually said out loud "there are easier schools to get into than ours." Thanks for the vote of confidence. My grades are actually pretty great...give or take a few B's here and there. Maybe later today I will examine other possibilities as what-ifs.

Now it is almost time for the next few activities in my busy day, lunch with my friend Candi, pest company visit to our home (yay!!!), picking up Matt from school early and getting him to Heidi for dentist appointment, and then later after B gets off work, back up to Albany for trick-or-treating with my boys, my ex, Heidi, and her daughter. 

It did occur to me again today that Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I found myself giggling out loud as I drove through the rain and wind, making leaves flutter to the ground as if snowflakes...so gorgeous!  Then again, giggling to oneself also could be a symptom of sleep deprivation! Happy Halloween.

Calling in the Troops

I like a clean house. I think I have established that in earlier posts. I also would not give up living in the country ever unless I absolutely had to after the past 7 years of country living, first in Lacomb, outside Lebanon and now just south of Brownsville. I love my deer that roam our 6.5 acres here, the wild turkeys I sometimes see, the quiet, and the fact that the stars show up so well out here without city life. Now, what does this have to do with a clean house? Being in the country also means a lot more mud, tall grasses and gravel tracked inside...and it means more bugs. Yes, bugs. I have been through some pretty gross insect problems, and actually most were in the city. Teeny tiny red ants invaded my apartment in California, and spiders my suburban backyard in Oregon. Now...we have a pest problem. It's like admitting I'm an alcoholic (only I'm not!)...Hi, my name is Sarah...and I have a bug problem. 

It began with swarms of yellow jackets this summer, building nests in the walls of the house (oh, yes!), and Barrett would set up his shop-vac and let it run all day at the entrance of their "home". We would look later, after he sprayed poison down the vacuum hose, and find the shop-vac almost halfway full of yellow jackets. Mind you, that's hundreds...maybe even thousands, it's not like they take up much room. We hung one of those trap things. It's full of yellow jackets. This was annoying, and gross, and Isaiah ended up stung 4 times this summer. But the major thing has been now that it's getting wet and cold, they are somehow making their way inside. I killed 6 yellow jackets in poor Isaiah's room this afternoon. I hunted them with my vacuum hose attachment! I killed 2 more in my bedroom downstairs. I am not amused. 

It does not end there though. We also (lucky us!!!) have a lady-bug problem. Yes, cute little ladybugs that I will never, ever think are cute again. Apparently they are really called Asian Lady Beetles, as they can come in red, orange, brown, yellow and even a lime green with or without spots. They look like ladybugs. I frankly don't care what they are called. They are invading my home. I used to have a student that was scared of ladybugs and we would all poke a bit of fun at her. This would be her worst nightmare. They come in seeking warmth, and they come in droves. My hand-held vacuum cleaner, and my hose attachment are the only match for them, and I have to vacuum a few times a day!!!  

I finally told Barrett, after returning home today to a door covered in lady-bugs and the 6 yellow jackets in my son's bedroom, this is enough! I know it's not because we are dirty, but it makes my skin crawl, and they are not welcome in my home. So, he called in the troops. Wednesday a pest company will come out and for a nice sum and quarterly contract...take care of the bugs. Fine. Sign me up.

55 Pounds of Pumpkin Later

It has been an icky week, just very tiring and emotional all-around. Today I was determined to have a great day with both boys (Matt has no school on most Fridays), but I awoke with a headache, proceeded to be overly sensitive to Barrett this morning, and was grouchy before I'd even had a shower. But...Thank God for the pumpkin patch! 

55 pounds of pumpkins later there were 2 happy and exhausted muddy boys and one happy and exhausted muddy mother. We went to Lone Pine Farms in Junction City, and if you are from around here, I highly recommend it. Barrett found it online at http://www.lonepinefarms.com/. We were sad that he didn't get to go, but the forecast says rain all weekend, and none today. There were goats to pet and feed, a large playground, a store with ice cream and food as well as produce, a "cow train" small roller-coaster ride and the choice of a tractor drawn or horse drawn trip to the pumpkin patch (HUGE one) to choose pumpkins (priced by the pound), and a corn maze. It was a great place to go. We literally could have spent all day there, and as it was were there for about 3 1/2-4 hours. It did cost us about $45 for all we did, but I wanted to check everything out...and we did buy pretty good-sized pumpkins, so you could definitely do it for less (or also for more, as the $7 Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches smelled delicious!!).

The maze was long, and we spent over an hour in it, reading Halloween trivia clues off of a laminated card out loud that would tell you which way to go...if you guessed the right answer. We even cheated and looked a few up on my phone! The maze is haunted at night, but it gave it the right amount of spooky during the day to see most of the props set up, like a ghost town, deserted school bus and creepy gingerbread house area that we walked through to name a few. One fun aspect was the clues...you would have to find numbered posts, and then solve the trivia and it would say which way to turn. There were also fun-house mirrors throughout that really gave weird illusions of which path you had come from. I hate scary stuff, so walking through the maze with just the two boys on a cloudy, windy day was really fun. I doubt we'd like the actual haunted maze. About half-way through we all wanted to give up, then saw a sign (and an emergency exit) saying we were at the half-way point. We decided to keep going, gave fist-pumps and went on our muddy way. 


Lunch today? Tillamook ice cream cones. We got three pumpkins at the actual patch, and now that we are home, we all changed into "soft clothes" and I put the muddy clothes in the washer. The boys are watching Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs, while I attempt to make P.F. Chang's Lettuce Wraps with jasmine rice for dinner. Surprisingly, the trip with my boys gave me the energy to do so, and put a huge smile on my face. Thank you, God, this was just what I needed. 

IT etiquette

Here is my short rant on etiquette in the information age between friends and loved ones. If someone texts you, respond as soon as is appropriate for you. Do not wait until the person no longer wants to talk or thinks you are angry at them. If you are in the middle of a text conversation, do not leave people hanging. The information age has made communication easy, efficient and practically instantaneous. It is beyond rude for someone to send you a whole well thought out paragraph and you to respond with a smiley. Really? Don't overwork your thumbs or anything. Most people are aware (especially if they know you well) when you are more available than others. Oh? And if I send a text? Please don't respond with a phone call. I texted because I am somewhere where the conversation topic is more appropriate to be written and read versus said aloud ( like in line at a grocery store, out of good cell coverage range-my phone actually gets way better email and text coverage than phone coverage at my home, or I may not want children to overhear).

The same goes with email. If you have a smartphone, guess what? People are well aware of the fact that your email also shows up on your phone. And the uncanny thing is that you can respond from your phone. Again, respond in a timely fashion. Never claim technology naïveté when people know what your phone can do! :)

On Facebook, here are also a few things. If someone takes the time to actually try to be more personal with you by posting on your wall a short message, a response, even just a short one, is required. The fact that you had a post meant that someone cared enough to take the few minutes to do so. If someone tries to chat, respond. Or... Turn chat feature off. I often do this when I just want to waste a few minutes on Facebook but have no desire to chat with anyone. It's handy.

Don't Poke...Will Cry.

Do you ever have one of those days (weeks even) that you feel as if your emotions are so out of balance that if someone walked up to you and poked you in the arm, you would unleash all the tears, all the anger, the hurt, and the frustration you have been keeping in? That's me today. While I am trying to just focus on studying for my upcoming midterms and general menial tasks like folding laundry, my insides are quaking with every thought and feeling that swims in an endless sea of uncertainty. Ever hear of Charybdis? It was a great sea monster rationalized into a violent whirlpool, from Greek mythology. Charybdis lives inside me right now. 

I am not trying to be melodramatic. I am actually trying to not talk about my feelings much recently because I have a feeling that even those that love me most are sick of my indecision, though they would never say it, and though Barrett and my parents will no doubt support anything I choose to do (oh, you want to be an astronaut now? Okay!) with enthusiasm and unconditional love...that doesn't mean they want to sit and analyze everything either. So I blog. At least you have the option of closing the webpage and going back to your life. 

On another note, I will not talk about one of the reasons I have been upset as of late, except to say that it is through only my parents, kids and husband that I have ever known unconditional love. And perhaps God, though not the one that condemns my every action that people like to wield as a weapon against others, but the one that sees my faults and loves me anyway. That is what I would like to believe God is. But I digress. Perhaps another post another day. Let's just say that I have once again learned that love can be conditional, and when those conditions are not met, it is revoked utterly, immediately and irreparably. 

Back to Charybdis. While you may tire of my rampant vexations at the institution of nursing program admissions, it is maybe because you need to understand me better. In a previous post from a long time ago, I talked about being personality type INFJ-now whether or not you put merit in personality categories, I can tell you that I have seen scarily accurate indications that these categories truly do exist. You can find out what you are if you want...see: 52% Introvert...How About You?. Anyhow, finding a career, the right career, is of utmost importance to me. While I have no problem working, and have never shied away from responsibilities, I have an inherent NEED to find my calling. I do not want a job or to just pay the bills, and if that were the case I would have left well enough alone...(though teaching doesn't exactly pay bills well). I need to know what I should do. What it is I ought to be doing that I can do with all the 
care, passion and integrity that I possess. 

Life has defining moments. I remember when I was a freshmen at junior college, taking a religion course. I was trying to decide between being a nurse and a teacher, and I stayed after one day to consult my professor. "Does it matter to God what I do?" I asked him. He told me he thought that one person could have many good fits and asked about the things I was considering. His words of advice? "As a nurse I imagine you would also get to be a teacher."
When Greg was deciding whether to pursue a degree in business or to become a police officer, we had gone away on a marriage retreat with our church, and had ventured off to a bookstore. We walked in, and a small wallet-sized card fell at his feet. On it read Prayer of a Police Officer. We of course saw it as a huge sign, and I believe he still carries it today, years later. On either side of the display was Prayer of a Teacher and Prayer of a Nurse, and we joked about which one was meant to be mine. 

I am okay with persevering, re-taking classes, applying to various programs, and working as a CNA until the day comes that I am accepted into RN school...but I want to know it is the right thing. 

And Then There Was One...

Today was rough in more ways than one, but the one that I will share is the phone call from Chemeketa Community College about me transferring in credits. Not only will they not accept my psychology course (even though the subject is what my BS is in!), but they apparently have a weird, and unpublished way of counting. They will not take my Microbiology course because it was taken over 7 years ago. The way they count...in some weird, made-up, random way. I took the course in Spring 2006. Last time I checked we are in the year 2012. Do the math. 6 years? Yes. 7? Ummm....no. I am no mathematician, but huh? I asked the lady to double and triple check. "Oh, we count years from the summer, and so that would be the cut off." Me:. "Okay...but I took it in the Spring of 2006.." Her: "Yeah, I checked, that won't count." Holding back tears I told her that perhaps that should be better explained in their application checklist, and if it had been I would have taken it (again) this Fall. Now it is too late to take for applying for next Fall's nursing program. SIGH. I text Barrett-Please call me. And he calls me from work and comforts me, agreeing about the complete idiocy of the program. To top matters off I had a not-that-pleasant phone call with Breckenridge Nursing in Portland. I had heard that they tried to accommodate people on getting clinicals closer to home, and was okay with the idea of the awful commute twice a week...but it turns out that not only will they not take most of my credits in transfer, but the lady explained, "Oh, we could never promise that. Our program is Portland based. Welcome to nursing." I was thinking some pretty unkind words in my head, but politely told her that their program was not for me. 

I am so angry. It is not like I graduated from some diploma mill. I went to a highly ranked university, and worked my butt off and did well. Grrrr! Growly noises all around. This leaves Lane and only Lane for my RN application. While it is my first choice anyhow, my chances are not fantastic. I am wondering if I should somehow hedge my bets so to speak and also apply for their LPN (licensed practical nurse) program and RT (respiratory therapist) program...as they have similar prerequisites. I hate the waiting game. On a weird hunch today I contacted Northwest Christian University in Eugene about their School Counseling and Licensed Professional Counselor programs...and yes, I am totally qualified to apply, my past experience garners me a level of respect, and I'd be looking at the same time frame (2-3) years. Sigh again. All I can wonder is if I made the wrong call? But I am gritting my teeth, applying to Lane in January...and will know something by March...

Friends...A Notion that Changes

I do not have many friends. My best friend is my husband. Other than him, I have a handful of good friends, and a small handful at that...and many, many acquaintances.  Maybe it's me. Maybe it's the fact that for many people the notion of friendship changes through the years. You are friends with classmates in school, then co-workers, family members, fellow church-goers at times, parents of your children's friends...and the list goes on. Sometimes that makes me sad. I had a best friend. But things change, people change (or maybe they were always a certain way, but , this I have been told and know that it is true. I changed with my divorce. I slowly became the person I was maybe 12 years prior, but a bit more cautious and at the same a bit less worried about others liking me. I am who I am, and I feel like I am a better person now than ever before. But this is judged through various lenses for other people. Did she make poor choices? Does she have a home church? Does she see her kids enough? Why does she get along with her ex-husband's wife? Questions like this I have heard both aloud, and in the thoughts of others.  I have lost close friends from prior to my huge life changes, and again...it makes me sad. But it also makes me stronger. This? This is me. I may not be as pious, as sweet, as outgoing or as agreeable as before.  But I know who I am.