Hit the Ground Running!

Here I was all calm and content yesterday, thinking I was going to embrace being a stay-at-home-mom when I get the notification that a sub job is open for tomorrow (well today now, but you get me). I had joked with Barrett that the worst sub job ever would be PE. I hated PE as a kid, and quite honestly kids running around and throwing balls is still enough to give me a slight edge of anxiety. But lo and behold the sub job said PE and Health, and so after a few minutes of deliberation, I accepted it.

Barrett says that my whole "everything happens for a reason" theory is spot on, and that it was no coincidence that my lunch plans for today fell through, thus freeing me up. Ah, so with one period left to go (I am currently on prep as I write), I can say that I have survived my first sub job. I am no longer tense like this morning. And I get paid for today, a day of hanging out with teenagers...and it wasn't so bad.

This morning I awoke at five (!!!) to be our the door by 6:15 with boys in tow and get them to my parents while I went to find my assignment. It was dark, scary foggy, and my car needed gas- but luckily I still arrived early enough to get a quick tour, room keys and lesson plans. My room? It is behind the gym, and made of concrete. Actually, I spent three periods not even in here. I was in the gym for two and the weight room for one. Can I just say that subbing for weight-lifting is dreadfully dull? As is PE with some version of dodgeball, and me flinching each time a ball came near. Health has been ok. One class was silent and one pretty rowdy...though my loud class had over 30 kids in it. My final class is pretty small. I have their teacher's assignment for them, but I'm hoping to have some fun with them too hopefully after they are done. Subbing older kids is pretty unexciting. Teachers usually just leave work for them to do. Next time I need something to do as well!

Overall, kids are kids. Though I witnessed kids with brightly colored hair, piercings and and tattoos (and a few colorful words I had to put an end to!)-they were actually pretty good. They were respectful, quirky, albeit colorful teens. I'd come back.

And then it hit...I'm a Stay-At-Home-Mom!

I was mulling over some things in my head today. The job-searching being as dull as could possibly be, and some signs being given that I definitely need to move on versus try to reach out to former employers...it dawned on me. I have been so busy trying to decide what to do with myself, applying for jobs, making substitute teacher goody bags, networking, etc...that I guess I had yet to fully realize what is going on. I am not working right now. I am not in school again now until August (if I get in to counseling program), and I haven't done much looking around, because I really like the program I found. Yes, yes I will get to the point. I realized that at this moment in my life, however long it may last, I have joined the ranks of being a Stay-at-Home-Mom. While I can put fancy labels on this juncture of time, like "I'm in between jobs..", I also realized with a growing sense of calm, that I am where I am at this moment in time because God must want me here. And when a little hand grabs mine and says, "Mommy, you have to see the rocket ship I built! Close your eyes!" And drags me down the hallway to see this new creation, by golly, I WILL so see the rocket ship! I will help build the next one. Staying home is not glamorous. I am constantly making one mess and cleaning another. The house is actually being USED! Oh my goodness! It used to just get come home to!  

At least 5 times a day I am privileged to hear a tiny voice say, "Mama? I love you." And I am also blessed to have my big first-grader invite me to come have lunch with him, to think I am cool, and to tell me having his mom sub his class would be "the coolest thing ever!"

I decided today, just a few hours ago really, that I will still plan for my future (aka job hunt/network) an hour or two a day, but that it will be scheduled into and around my day with Isaiah, and be finished for the day before my Matthew comes home. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. There may be a reason that jobs are scarce right now. I have a son about to enter full days of kindergarten in the Fall, and this is the first time I have ever been truly HOME with him since he was an infant. Funny how teaching jobs begin in the Fall too, isn't it? While I am not giving up on subbing, nor on applying for the few jobs that are available...I have also come to an understanding with myself. I am not a lazy person. I am not going to feel guilty. I am not "over-educated" or "over-qualified" any more than my home could be "over-clean" or I could be "over-involved" with my sons. I am going to embrace this time and live in the present. I am going to fingerpaint, do science experiments with my kids (instead of in a classroom), read to them, volunteer to help Matt's teacher, and be the best freaking stay-at-home mom and wife my family has ever seen, and never anticipated. Thank you God, for the wake-up call. 

Grrrrr!!!

I couldn't think of a better title for this post, a better title to describe what is going through my head and heart lately. I am so frustrated these days, but it is no-one's fault but my own. Leave it to me to decide I want to be a teacher at the worst possible time of year. There are no jobs, or let me rephrase, there are a handful of jobs that are unexpectedly open mid-year, and far too many applicants like myself that for one reason or another find themselves looking mid-year. There is a cycle of hiring with teachers. Contracts at schools will be offered in March-April, and the powers that be will decide what positions (if any) they need to fill the following school year. They will post the jobs in April-June, interview during the summer, and the new jobs will begin in August. This is just how it works in education, and I am no stranger to the process. I have applied to 6 jobs in education, including 2 that I am overqualified for, and 1 that I didn't quite meet the qualifications for. I have heard back from one (the one I wasn't qualified for), that they have chosen someone else-I am not surprised since I never even interviewed. It is just very slow going on the end I am on. I am currently on 4 substitute teacher lists, and have been for 2 weeks, and have gotten not one single request. Part of me is okay with that since the idea of getting an assignment at the last minute and then figuring out how to get Isaiah to my dad and myself to the school in time could potentially be problematic in and of itself. I have encountered the entire spectrum of reactions from people being really excited that I am not leaving education, to complete lack of any civilized response from people I truly liked and thought the feeling was mutual. If it weren't for the fact that my old students treat me like I have celebrity status, I would seriously begin to question my own sanity or if I was even good in the first place. 

I am making contacts at new schools and districts, hoping to become a friendly face for when they have openings. I made the cutest little "goody bags" for teachers with my new business card, biscotti and tea to drum up sub jobs. I am hoping to also learn the library system for Sweet Home School District, because I hear they are often short subs who can fill in for the Librarian. I have even applied for completely unrelated jobs recently, such as a job for the state, and am thinking about applying for a job at Barrett's company in the sales division. Why? I guess because when I decided to go back to work, it means that I want to find something, anything that is at all palatable. 

When I left my job back in August, it was to go to school full-time, and because I changed my mind, the school prospects for what I am thinking I may pursue do not begin again until this coming August. I have never been out of work before this summer, for more than just my maternity leaves for the past 11 years, and it is such a weird feeling. On one hand, I think I can just enjoy my time with Isaiah until the Fall when I will hopefully have a new teaching job. On the other hand, I don't want my partner to think I am not even looking for jobs. Daily I am grateful that we are okay. Barrett does well for us, and though me having an income would certainly help, it is not absolutely necessary nor panic-inducing at this point in time. Though...I am so sorry to him that I put us here in the first place. 

My biggest update is that I really liked a university down in Eugene that I met with. Have I already told you this? Anyhow, it has a program that  would allow me to not only get my school counseling license, but also to become a licensed professional counselor (LPC) and to work in a practice setting or eventually for myself should I go that route. I think the idea is fantastic. School counseling is what interests me more, but often due to budgets, the jobs can be very competitive to get into. This gives to separate options when I complete the program, plus I could always teach too...

Rough Times

I am having a rough day today. Have you ever been completely paranoid that an entire group of people are blacklisting you? I have left every job I have had in the past 12 years on very good terms, yet when I have tried reaching out to people (with the exception of just a few, and thank God for them!), I have gotten very poor results. I don't understand. While some people I was asking for recommendations from (which is normal to expect from previous supervisors and colleagues), some I was asking nothing of. I was just trying to check in, establish that we still had some connection, and be friendly. I am not sure why that is wrong. I would be happier with a cursory response than none whatsoever. I completely don't understand not responding to someone at all. You get a phone call-you call back. You get a text-you text back. You get an email-you write back. Barrett tells me not everyone has that philosophy. Well, apparently. He asked me if I responded to every message I had ever gotten on Match.com during my short time on. I said yes, I had. I always figured it was better to say I wasn't interested than to leave someone hanging. He was impressed. Come to think of it, I was actually thanked by men I had let down. :) 

Not having a job when you want one can do wonders for lowering your self-esteem. Jobs in education mid-year are always scarce, but it is still very discouraging. I'd love to get some calls, some interviews, even if nothing comes of it. I know that I just have to trust that God has a plan. I also have to trust that maybe the lack of responses from old "friends" means they were never really that. 

I know that I have changed my mind about careers. I know that I have not always been 100% committed to things, but I have also had a lot of change in my life, and I needed to get things straight. I am trying to think that this is a positive thing. Please, if you pray, say a little prayer for me. I know that I need to be humble, and accept that I may have to start over, but I also have to hold my head high so I don't crumble entirely. Holding my head high right now is very much a struggle. 

Pros & Cons

My decision to return to education has had periods of crazy activity and complete lulls. Let's face it, there are very few positions open mid-way through a school year. That being said, I have applied to three positions in the Springfield area, and one position for an online school (that could be kind of cool, right?). After today I will be on two substitute lists, though both are pretty small districts, and in the process of getting on two more. I even applied for a job with the state as a social worker (my Bachelor's degree qualifies me), and I would take it if offered, and see what that was like. It's for being the person that places children in different homes. What do I want to do? Honestly, I want my former employer to offer me a position, even a part-time one. A part-time teaching position would be amazing, though very hard to come by, as it really only works with teaching single subject (middle/high school), or something else pretty specialized usually.

I have my sub bag ready to go, and my binder full of information. If you have subbed before, maybe you can give me some pointers. Do I hand out business cards, leave little goodies? How have you networked before to be a preferred sub that gets lots of calls?

I met with Northwest Christian University yesterday about possibly enrolling in their school counseling program. It is a two-year program, and at the end I would hold a second Master's degree and a state license for school counseling. The thing that I thought was really cool was that if I take an additional four classes and do extra internship hours at the end, I can also graduate with a state license to be a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and have the option as well to do adult counseling in a practice and/or eventually on my own. Truth be told, I am way more interested in school counseling, because I want to work with students and schools, but still, how awesome is that?! I laughed and told Barrett that I guess I will just collect degrees, but in all honesty, it would be great to have 3 degrees and 3 state licenses, making three completely different (but definitely intertwined) careers available. I could teach, counsel students, or counsel, not to mention all the other possible job titles that would work for working college level, like admissions counselor, career counselor, program director to name a few.

 OR....







So...pros and cons?

Pros:                                                                                  Cons:                                                             
-I like being a student                                                          -being a student for 2-2 1/2 more years
-deferred student loans & ability to get loans for program     -borrowing even more on student loans
-job possibilities                                                                  -would I look overqualified?
-the classes look amazingly interesting                                  -the internship requirement makes working  
-I could work as I study                                                          full-time the second year pretty impossible

That's the latest. :)
Hope your day is amazing!

There is No Chance...

I have little to say today, so I am going to let the words of our church's speaker this morning speak for me. It could not have been a better sermon. Having no paper in my purse, I hurriedly took out a paint card sample and scrawled them down. These words spoke to the very core of my heart and all that is going on inside me and in my life right now.

"God is personally weaving every circumstance in your life...there is no chance, no happenstance-you are being funneled to be exactly where you are supposed to be."

"Every microdecision has lead me to where I am."

"Move in the direction you experience LIFE."

Love it! Maybe these words can meet you where you are at today as well.

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

I finally know peace. 

It has taken me many years to "find myself" (I guess I was pretty lost!). I have spent tons of time, money, heartache and both good and bad decisions trying to find my perfect calling. I have worried, cried, and quite frankly annoyed people with my quest. At 31, I rang in the New Year by giving in to God.

You see, I thought that the choices I had made had actually been made for me. I chose a career in teaching because I wanted a college degree, and it just so happened that I could pursue that path and continue to work full-time. Another huge deciding factor for me was that I was married (at the time anyway) to a police officer, and I wanted one of us to have a "normal" schedule, a schedule where I could be home for dinner each night and there to take care of the boys on weekends, evenings and holidays. How funny that now I have come to truly value just those things. When I went through my divorce, one of the things that I was the most bitter about was the fact that I felt I had missed out on pursuing what I had really dreamed of. I had instead chosen a dream that was logical, a dream that worked. Unlike most (normal) kids, I worried about and planned for my future tirelessly. I dreamed big, and always imagined doing something really great-something that mattered. The dream changed frequently as I matured, but at times I was to be a doctor, a lawyer or veterinarian. Out of high school I was to be a pharmacist. But as I said, life happens, choices are made, and the journey continues. 

When I remarried, Barrett told me that now was my chance. If I wanted a year or two off to pursue something else-we could do that. Instead of weighing every option endlessly like in the past, I thought quickly and then jumped in feet first. I felt too old to be a doctor, but maybe I could be a nurse. 

During the past six months that I have been not working, I have had many ups and downs. I have enjoyed (for the most part) the extra time with my kids, time to clean and cook, and time to read and study. I threw myself into the final nursing prereqs, and dreamed of the new life I would have in a few years. I didn't allow myself to look back too often. Sometimes the voice that matters most is the quiet one inside our hearts-the voice we can only hear if we really stop and want to listen. Something changed inside me over my Christmas break from classes. The quiet voice was incessant. I missed teaching, missed education in general, and I missed (so much it hurt) the interaction with my kids-not my boys, but my other kids-all over 200 different kids that I have had the pleasure to teach in the past 4 years. On the very cusp of applying to nursing school, I realized I just didn't care if I got in. I realized in a conversation that never even happened, with a man at church asking what Barrett and I did, that in my heart I knew the answer. I was, am and maybe will always be...a teacher.

First I felt foolish. It has been an interesting road, and I have given up perhaps the "perfect" job in my search to discover myself. In hysterical tears I shared my heart with the man I love. If I ever wanted to know what unconditional love was, this is it. There was no blame, no anger, no I told you so, but instead a man telling me that he was proud of me that I had finally found my calling. Ironically I joked, "And I'm already qualified!" I have decided that leaving my job was not a mistake, except for in the fact that I doubt I can have it back. Through leaving I discovered that I no longer feel like a career was chosen for me. I no longer resent my past or any missed opportunities. I feel calm in the fact that God knew what He was doing all along. And now...I make the decision, I choose to teach.

I do not know where I will end up, or where I will go in education, but I know that I am now 100% committed. 

Look out boys and girls! She's BACK!