This morning this was NOT the case. This morning I awoke in a mood. I am really disliking my job the past few weeks, and the 21 days remaining of school may as well loom ahead like a lifetime. This morning I had PMS (Pre Monday Syndrome) of the worst kind. I wasn't feeling well physically the last 2 days, and emotionally I was a mess. Matthew wanted another dog (to buy with is own money), and we were considering it but decided our current dog, cat and 14 chickens are enough (plus the caterpillars making chyrsalids in the bathroom!), and just....well, let's just say I am human. I have worries of finances next year, full-time school, huge changes, etc. There are things we are trying to get done to the house before we no longer have 2 incomes, and we are having to decide what to cut out. For me, I will likely give up book-club, expensive coffees, and perhaps getting my hair done as often. For the kids, it means moving their soccer to Halsey so that we are not driving to Lebanon 3 times a week. For Barrett? Well it means working no matter whether he is having a good week at work or not, which kind of makes me feel really small for thinking I can't handle 21 more days. Of course I can. We are so incredibly blessed with the job that Barrett has that this is ALL we have to give up, really. Back to my story-thank God Matthew has now decided his goal to save toward is a Kindle Fire (cool! I can support that and I don't have to worry about us feeding it every month!).
Co-parenting has had its easy moments, and lately this is not the case. The kids have been through a second divorce, and now soon will be another marriage. I may come across like I love not having my kids every other weekend (and don't get me wrong, I DO enjoy the time with Barrett), but it is also my way of coping. Yes, I miss them when they are gone. Yes, I get jealous when they have a really good time and it isn't at my house, and yes, I feel guilty that things are like this is the first place. I am a normal, guilt-ridden mother at many moments in my life, I just tuck it down a little deeper than others. I wonder if I am doing all I can, providing enough, if they even notice how hard both B and I try to give them a balanced life.
Sometimes I feel I suck at the parenting thing. Matt tried out for a summer tournament team, made the team, and then we realized we had already made plans over a month ago the exact weekend of the one big tournament. Matt was not happy with me, but we had already booked camping at the coast with another family we are all friends with (Matt included!), and it was very difficult to pinpoint a weekend that worked for us all, that we even had the kids, that there were no other engagements...you get my drift. I want him to know that prior plans with people we care about come first, but that didn't keep me from not feeling awful that I hadn't checked the dates to begin with! Though between the 2 boys, we have British Soccer Camps, Cub Scout Camp, swimming, camping trips, and a visit to California all planned for this summer on top of B working all summer, and me beginning my math sequence for school. We toyed with the idea of me getting a CNA job for the summer, but decided summer with the children is more important than money. Common sense says, Matt will live.
I wonder if this is how it is with all moms? Do the kids even notice the hours spent at soccer games, driving to and from school events and Cub Scouts, the cost of family movies and dinners or ice cream out, or even the simpler needs like how much time and energy getting all doctor and dentist visits coordinated can take? How about the sheer costs of soccer teams, camps, sports gear, etc? Maybe they aren't supposed to notice. I never did. I guess kids only notice if it isn't done. They notice if you aren't there. If you are reading, THANK YOU Mom and Dad for the endless gymnastics, dance, theater and voice lessons, the volleyball, the check-ups, and the braces I wore for years. Thank you for each and every formal dress I had (because I couldn't wear the same one twice!). That must have taken a lot of effort, time, and money. Now I get it. Thank you.But back to why I am happy. You thought I forgot my point, didn't you? Today the boys helped me plant flowers and make our own hanging baskets. We rescued an escaped chick from the barn. The boys sat and watched Barrett trim trees, pull-out stumps, and they helped take branches to the burn pile. I smiled as I watched Max run, smiling (yes, our dog smiles!) chasing after Matthew and Isaiah. This was a good day. It was a simple one, and my house might not be perfectly clean, and the laundry always needs doing, but we worked as a family on various things around the house. As I watched the boys watch Barrett hook up a chain to his truck and drag a stump out of the ground (cheering him on!), I felt an overwhelming surge of gratitude. Thank you God for my life. I am reminded of the other morning in the car with just Matthew, and him saying how annoying his little brother was. I told him, "You know, someday he will be your best friend." Without missing a beat he said, "He already is my best friend." The feeling I had right then is enough to get me through the next 21 days, the next however many times I feel guilty, and the next lonely weekends. Thank you God. This is what matters in life.
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