Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.
This is the one that spoke volumes to me. Sometimes I think I must make God really irritated. He really is like a father, isn't He? We ask for one thing with all our hearts, then decide we want something else...at least I know I do. I just want to do what is best. Not even best for me, but what I am best at, because I get that these can be two different things. I pray for a sign, any sort of a sign to know what path to take.
I am accepted into counseling school. I am (mostly) enjoying my time with Isaiah, and being at home. I love volunteering at the Pregnancy Center, and I know that life will bring much more busyness as our home is eventually remodeled/added on to, grandparents are here with us, and decisions about floors, paint and counter-tops will need to be made. I am already taxi for baseball and soccer practices and games, and swimming lessons, and craft and gardening classes. BUT, and this is a huge but (not to be confused with huge butt:)), I miss the classroom. I miss teaching. I miss the interaction. I long to do art projects and science experiments, to assign creative writing, to laugh, play and love with my students. I worry about counseling. I worry that there are not enough jobs, that I will have to take out (EVEN MORE) student loans, and that though the ideas of the classes and the thought of counseling interests me, what if the reality does not?What if I go into debt more and am bored?
Do you watch Once Upon a Time? I have a point here, I really do. It's a good show about fairy-tale characters living in modern-day, and there is one message that has rang loud and clear to me the last month or so we have been watching. Some outcomes don't change. You can change details...the how, the when, even the why but you can't change what is, what is supposed to be. I have been wondering this about teaching. I never wanted to teach, but everyone said I'd be good at it. I viewed it as a stepping stone to maybe being a principal someday. When I taught younger kids I wanted older, and when I taught older and narrowed it down to just science, I got bored. Oh, not with the kids, but with the material, with the fact that I couldn't just add in things like in elementary school or decide when I wanted to teach things. Math in the afternoon today? No biggie. Reading outside? Sure. Art instead of writing today? You bet-maybe do both and tie them together! Change the bulletin board displays, the feel of the classroom, play music? Absolutely. So, even though I changed to older kids for two years and then took this past year off, what if all this heartache and all this stress and mind-changing really leads to the same conclusion? What if I am meant to be a teacher?
Do you know that in my head I say "What if I am meant to just be a teacher?" As if it isn't enough. I would fight tooth and nail if I heard someone else use that phrase. Teachers give so much on so little. They give time and money beyond what is required. And they do that because that's what it takes. Teachers never stop thinking of their "kids", their lessons and the things they can improve on. Teachers love learning. So why in my head do I use the qualifier "just"? Why do I keep pushing instead of enjoying what I have already earned or accomplished? Why in my head is a teaching license and Master's degree not enough? Maybe it is time to stop pushing and to embrace what I already know. Those who have been in or near my classrooms have told me that I am a natural. I am not sure. I hope I figure it out soon. I have applied for some teaching positions for next year, but I am praying and waiting and leaving it up to God's plans for me. And I guess you can watch as the story unfolds and we find out if the moral is true, if some outcomes are just meant to be.
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