Death of a Perfectionist

Hi, my name is Sarah, and I am a perfectionist. I thought that nursing school had pretty much tamed this instinct. Well, a bit. Have I mentioned that I was raised as an only child, got straight A's in pretty much everything, and like things...well, a certain way? Yeah, I am just a bit Type A...

Today I got back a grade on a paper. 3/5, and I FREAKED. I mean, that is a D-. I don't get D's (except for that one Algebra 2 test-but I digress, Algebra and I did not get along.). I feel like I am a decent writer. I even do it for fun. I wanted to throw a full-blown, screaming, kicking, stomping, and crying fit!  But I am mature, so I settled for crying and an (albeit) slightly panicked email to my instructor about my grade, did I read it correctly, and what could I do to improve in the future?

Ahem...Followed by another email, minutes later, asking if he thought I was going to fail out of the program (This was not my proudest moment). Luckily, he is a great instructor, and though I was full on ticked (though mostly at myself),  and bordering on psychotic, he emailed me back within minutes to say; "Your paper was excellent, until you got to the end and did not address what the rubric stated. For that, you lost points. It is just 2 points. This will not kill your grade. You are doing excellent in clinical. There is no way I think you are going to fail out. Breathe.... However, if I ever get a call for a job reference, I will have to mention that there was this one assignment that 2 points were missing on!"

My story is mortifying to me, mainly that I freaked out so much over a few points, but also because in my wrapped up, stressiness of nursing school, I also hurt myself by not slowing down to just read. It's also funny. I burst out laughing at the last line of the email, basically putting things in perspective for me. I share this to you for three reasons: 1)Nursing school is hard. You will love it, and I promise you will HATE it. There feels like there is never enough time in the day. 2) This is just a season. Less than a year from now I will be done, and I will not care at all about this 5 point project, care plans, or my grades. 3) Breathe. Life is not perfect. I am not perfect. You are not perfect, and nursing school will all but kill the perfectionist unless we learn to laugh it off when falling flat on our faces, brush ourselves off, and try again.

30 school days to go! (until Christmas break that is…)

I make it through nursing school the same way I did through teaching when I was feeling burnt out. I count the days until I get some real time off. I started the countdown right before school began with how many school days until Christmas break, and I'm actively counting them down. Realistically I probably should have just done all days but that seemed like too big of a number to start with (and hence depressing). There really is no such thing as a day off in nursing school. Days off are spent on reading, care plans, projects, papers, and studying for exams. Yuck. Second year did not begin slowly, but instead with a "here's your 5 papers/projects and 3 clinical rotations, oh and by the way, the exams will now be comprehensive. Any questions?" Okay...slowly retreat...no-one is looking...the door is righthere.

I am in week three of year two of nursing school and am so ready to be done! I know that I still have so much more to learn but I can't help but wait until the day where I no longer have homework and I actually have a job where I can clock in and clock out at the end of the day. Before the school year started I thought I had made my mind up. My next plan was to go straight into an RN to MSN program to work on getting a license to be a (FNP) family nurse practitioner. That was, until school started and I felt swamped,and sick of the school, overwhelmed, and did more research about actually being a nurse practitioner!!! While I am sure it can be a great career, I have no desire to spend the next 3 to 4 years (still) in school, trying to gain experience as an RN, and still trying to be a mom to my kiddos. After that time would be spent wolfing down lunch while filling prescriptions and trying to see X amount of patients each day. No thank you. I have already been in school most of my children's lives. Likely I will go on at some point and probably get a masters degree in either nurse education or clinical leadership depending on which direction my career takes me.  I have thought both about being a nursing instructor someday and/or a case manager at a hospital or clinic someday. What I really think I need right now though is to finish school and to go jump feet-first into the workplace of nursing and learn what it is I truly like.

This is one way that nursing school has changed me. I am beginning to value experience more than I value having a plan. I am beginning to value the importance of staying flexible. I really think that I need to experience things in order to know if they are for me or not. At this time I am on the cardiac floor and have yet to decide if I like it, though I have only done one partial day as I write this. Oncology was OK, I surprisingly loved the orthopedic floor because of all of the education involved and the fact that the patients aren't really sick most of the time, I had a bit of a liking problem with the medical floor and truly enjoyed the surgical floor. I mostly loved my experience in the emergency department this past summer. It's hard to decide what I want to do, and I know that the job market will be a big deciding factor in where I end up (at least to begin with). I currently am in the process of setting up a pediatric rotation and I'm also trying to set up a day shadowing on a labor and delivery unit. Currently my interest lies in either Pediatrics, mom/baby nursing, or emergency nursing, and I know that this is a pretty wide range. :-) In my studies these are also the things I have been interested in as well as mental health nursing and clinic nursing, so we will really have to see where my experiences in school take me in the real world.

At this time, I plug ahead, counting the days until freedom and paid work again!  Christmas, come as quickly as you can!

Today, Choose Joy.

Sometimes, there is no other way to put what is going on in your life other than saying, "I am headed through a proverbial crap storm right now." Or insert your appropriate adjective there. And though this storm is in full rage, I have decided to just go with it. At 33, this is a far cry from how I would have handled the situation three years ago or five years ago and especially 10 years ago! But today, I choose joy. 

I choose to focus on the things in my life that are good, great, and wonderful. I choose to focus on the strength of my marriage and my friendship with my husband, the laughter and the growth of our children, our community full of friends, and our wonderful, supportive family. I am giddy, and cheerful, even to the point of skipping down the hallway, thinking about my future and the plans that I have made, as well as those plans that will make themselves along the way. I feel full of purpose.

I choose to hold my head high and know that at the end of the day I am an honest and faithful person. I am a strong person. In fact, I am a lot stronger than many who don't know me well would give me credit for. 

I bet you are too. I bet some of my friends reading this have their own storms that are going on right now in their lives. Things that bring us down, that bring anger, hurt, resentment, and doubt. You too, should choose to hold your head high. Believe that what is going on, even if you don't understand it, is going on for a reason and that you will get through this. Not only will you survive, but you will come out even stronger.

And that, my friends, is my message for today. Choose joy. It took me quite a while to realize that it really is a choice. You can let life happen to you, or you can make life happen.

I have a love/hate relationship with nursing school.

I have a love/hate relationship with nursing school.

In less than two weeks I begin my second and final year of nursing school until I can have the coveted RN after my name. I've written it a few times to see what it looks like. Sarah West, RN. I like it, a lot.

 I know that I still have a full year to go, and yet, I don't. Really, right now I am over halfway through as I will finish my final clinical hours sometime this coming May 2016 and then I will walk across the stage at graduation in June 2016. When you do the math it is actually less than a year away. 

I know that the next year will be a struggle. I know that more will be expected of me when I am at the clinical sites, my care plans will be expected to be more thoughtful and detailed, and up until spring term I will have many more duties as acting president of the Student Nurses Association. At times I will want to quit. At times I will feel completely incompetent. At times I will think that this was the worst career decision I could ever have made! At times I will look around me and think that every single one of my classmates has it way more together than I do.

And yet, I know that at other times I will feel like I understand. I will feel like I am prepared. I will feel like I actually know how to provide care for a patient. During these times, I will feel proud as I lean on my new-found skills. During these times I will know that the best career decision I could ever have made was a that to become a nurse. I will keep the experiences I gained this summer in the emergency department close at hand, as memories that I can savor on tough days, replaying the homeless patient that thanked me profusely saying,"thank you for your care today, and for your respect," the scared grandmother that I comforted as her granddaughter struggled for breath after an attempted drug overdose, the alcoholic man that I carefully tucked in as he slept and got re-hydrated... Because THAT is what nursing is about.

In many ways I write this as a reminder to myself of this oh so long but also in many ways oh so short journey to become a nurse. In the next year of school I will laugh, I will cry, I will feel frustrated and overwhelmed, I will feel confident and proud, and I will feel a multitude of different emotions as I deal with different patients throughout each day. I will grow in my skills until I am ready to be on my own.I know that it is not something that happens all at once, but more akin to the gradual change we see each year as summer slides quietly into fall. One day it will get easier, and I will think to myself, I am a nurse!

 I will also have to decide what comes next. In the next nine months of schooling I will have to decide what is next on my journey. I know that I will be applying for jobs, and I will hope to be working at least part-time as an RN in the following year. I am not sure which department and I am not sure which hospital. Of course, a lot of that will have to do with who is hiring! I do not know yet if I will go on for my RN to MSN program so that I can eventually, after I amass some experience, be a nursing instructor or if I will go on right away and apply to a family nurse practitioner program as was my original plan way-back when I began this journey… Or if I will decide to be in the workforce for a few years before I make any other decisions!  Only time will tell, but I am excited to find out.

My Final Thoughts on Italy (and Travel) After Coming Home

Yes, the bathroom had a bidet!

 

Ready for our final night out

I wasn't going to do another post titled Day 8, since all I basically did that entire day (for like 19 hours) is travel home. Once home though, I had a lot of time to reflect on my trip, the good, the bad, the never want to do again parts, and the parts I loved. I also have shared some pictures that I like on here.



 Initially, I was SO glad to be home! I have to say that parts of this trip felt like a sick game of some weird travel survivor:

• Just how uncomfortable will you be thousands of miles from home with none of your stuff  (I mean you didn't actually need underwear and shampoo did you)? 
• How many miles can you walk in the blazing heat each day with blisters from the day before?  
• How few hours of sleep can you survive on and still be perky enough for the next walking tour? 
• How many street vendors selling selfie sticks can you politely say no to before wanting to shove said selfie stick in very impolite places? (Candi, you know you were totally with me on that one!)
• Just how long can someone with overactive bladder hold their bladder for on a tour bus?  The answer is over 4 miserable hours with me wanting to threaten to sue the lost bus driver and scream about the risks of UTIs. 
•  How many hours of a flight can you endure a screaming baby for (why, why is there always one near me without fail?)? I mean, I like babies for the most part, but not anywhere near me on a plane. Or kids for that matter that kick the seats in front of them. My kids have flown and you'd have thought we were SO strict with our rules for you know, politeness to others in an enclosed space. Not all families honor these same thoughts. 

  Quick, let's play a game. The airport shuttle you already booked and paid for is running an hour late and has just notified you (at the time they were scheduled to pick you up!). Do you A) take your chances that you only need an hour to go through customs, check bags, and security while finding your way through a foreign airport? or  B) Do you attempt to call another taxi and get to the airport with a driver that speaks NO English?  If you chose B, you are correct.

This waiter insisted on a picture with me!

  Touring is not (in my experience) made to be comfortable, though there are many things that I would do differently after this trip. We had SO many hours of touring, and I get it. It was necessary to see as much as we could see, and my friend Candi did a great job fitting it all in, but in the future I will book less actual tours and leave more time to savor the city I think, even if that means missing a few things.  Maybe I am some "lazy American" as I have heard many Europeans think about our kind. I know that we like excess. Heck, we buy blended coffee or a Coke and get 32 ounces or more, not like 8. Side note, in Italy one can buy a glass of wine for often cheaper than a soda. Sodas are not very popular there (which is OK with me, except I had quite a few Diet Pepsis when I got home to make up for it!). I like air conditioning, I like comfy places to sit when I am tired of walking, and I like signs for public restrooms (so I don't have to scout out the nearest cafe and hope there is one in there). I get that these are small things in the bigger picture of life, and that "when in Rome...", so I am not trying to disrespect the country (I very much enjoyed it and did my best to adapt while there), simply stating my opinions here. 

A priest!

I say most of these things (mostly) in jest. They are all true, but they did not make (or in this case break) the trip. I still feel it was totally worth it to see parts of a country I've been longing to see for at least the past decade if not longer. I fully intend to go back to Italy with Barrett in the future, to see Florence and Venice, and perhaps Assisi again. Unless he desires to go to Rome though, once may have been enough for me. I loved it most of the time, and didn't at others. I am glad to have the experience of traveling on my own (for a leg of it), and having  to learn how to advocate for myself. See, if Barrett were there I know I would not have ever worried about finding a bathroom or food. He knows me and knows to scope out these things so that he has a happy wife. It is an act of love that I will never, ever take for granted again. :)  (Thank you, Honey!)

It kept things in perspective for me a lot. I couldn't let a lack of extra clothes keep me from enjoying Rome, and I learned to stash extra snacks in my purse (but side note here...a GOOD tour if lengthy, should include a break for food, drinks, and restrooms!!).  I mean, who plans these things? 

Dinner near our hotel

My first few days back in Oregon, I told Barrett I didn't want to travel again for years. I was exhausted. I was so happy to be on American soil again where public restrooms abound. I think the adrenaline while traveling kept me going there, but it took me about an entire week to feel normal again once home. Now that I have had some time to re-acclimate, my trip has not quelled my desire to travel (as I am sure my poor hubby hoped!). Instead, I am actively planning my next trip (with him) to Germany for 2-3 winters away, and perhaps a trip to Maui (duh!) and Canada and/or Alaska in between. If you are thinking, must be nice, or how can you afford this?? I remind you my philosophies about travel. No, I don't do everything cheaply. I will splurge on a nice room or a fancy meal during a trip, but every year we take tax money (refund) to travel as well as set aside monetary gifts we get throughout the year, and save for travel. And yes, sometimes we put something on our friend Visa, and pay her back as soon as possible. But travel is possible if it is a priority. I am already beginning to learn some German. At least, that is where we are thinking of going, with a minimum of guided tours, and a maximum of time to explore on our own hitting a list of the must-see spots for us (which are more "nature" type spots than typical tourist spots). 

A home outside Assisi area

Rome at Night

There is a magic to traveling. There is no other way to describe it. Being somewhere foreign and trying to take part in the local language and food is amazing. Seeing the sights can honestly change you a bit as a person. I have only gotten a taste, and my passport has room for many more stamps!

Italy Trip Day 7: Underground Rome and Isola Tiberina

On our last full day in Rome, Candi and I had a tour planned in the morning to see the hidden/underground part of Rome. This tour would take us to three churches that were literally built on top of former churches, and in the case of one, on top of a former church that was on top of ancient Roman housing. It was a very interesting tour that unfortunately didn't allow photographs in 2 of the 3 places we visited. You could walk down stairs a level and go back in time to the remains of what was there before. One place even had a stone coffin, and another a pile of bones! Another had paintings from inside what would have been like the kitchen of a Roman home.  It was a very neat tour, and I am glad to have seen it.

We had another tour to the Borghese Gallery and Gardens that last afternoon, and we actually skipped it. I am sure it is fabulous, but we had been on walking tours all week (walking miles upon miles a day, no joke), and had not really had any time to just relax. We spent the afternoon instead napping (her) and reading (me), then we went souvenir shopping and had a blast, and then took a cab to Isola Tiberina for dinner. Isola Tiberina is simply translated to Tiber Island, and it is on the Tiber River and is connected by a bridge to the rest of Rome. I had wanted to see it, because it is supposed to be the birthplace of healing and it is said that the Romans had a statue, aesculapius, brought over from Greece. This statue has a man with a staff with a snake curled around it (sound familiar?). The staff with the snake is the caduceus and is the symbol of medicine (winged staff with snake). Though I did further learn that this symbol is actually a symbol of Hermes, the messenger god, and is mistakenly used as the medical symbol when  it should actually be the rod or  Staff of Asclepius (sometimes also spelled Asklepios or Aesculapius), so really see, this was the original medical symbol. Asclepius was the ancient Greek god of medicine, son of the god Apollo and Coronis. At some point, Asclepius healed a snake, which in return taught him secret knowledge - snakes were considered divine beings that were wise and could heal. This is how the symbol of Asclepius and later healing was a rod wreathed with a snake. Asclepius was so good at healing that he had managed to cheat death and bring people back from the underworld. As a result, Zeus killed him to maintain the balance and placed him on the night sky under the constellation of the Ophiuchus (the snake holder).
Stolen from: http://www.greekmythology.com/Other_Gods/Asclepius/asclepius.html
Sorry, I love my Greek mythology. 

Anyhow, the evening was a fine one with a rather interesting seafood dinner (Candi's lasagna had octopus in it!). I never did see the statue. For all I know it is inside the big church as you cross over the bridge or at the hospital there on the island, and I honestly was done exploring. But Isola Tiberina is full of cafes, restaurants and shops on the river with live music and street vendors. It is lovely place to visit, and was one of my favorites. 

Italy Trip Day 6: Orvieto and Assisi (My FAVORITE day!!)

Duomo Orvieto

WARNING: Lots of pictures in this post!

This day began bright and early as we boarded a small bus that took us to our larger bus for the day at 7:00 AM. We would be leaving the city of Rome for the day to see two cities and of course a handful of churches in the Umbria region of Italy. The bus was cushy and air-conditioned, and honestly, I slept (thankfully) most of the way to our first stop in Orvieto. Orvieto was a cute little town in which we got an hour of free time. Candi and I (or I should say mostly I had some creature comforts to take care of like finding a restroom and ordering a coffee), then we set off to explore Duomo Orvieto, a beautiful striped cathedral and a walled garden looking down on the wine country below. Then we boarded the bus again for about an hour to head outside Assisi where we would have lunch at gorgeous resort with bungalows overlooking the valley (I could totally see staying there!). Lunch consisted of 3 different types of bruschetta with red wine, penne pasta with fresh tomatoes, a beef and potato dish, and then a colorful Neapolitan like cake dessert (no idea what it was called, but similar texture to tiramisu, just different flavors).

From there we drove past large brick or stone country homes. I loved to see them out the window, as I saw no houses in Rome, just apartments. We drove past Lake Trasimeno (wish we had stopped there!) and to the Basilica of Santa Maria degli Angeli at the foot of the hills in Assisi. The churches here are made of pink and white limestone. It was also the first "pay to use" bathroom I had encountered, but for .50 Euros (basically 50 cents), I got a clean bathroom with toilet paper. I could write an entire post about the restroom system in Italy (or lack thereof) and how toilets often have no seat, bathrooms lack toilet paper, and how you have to get very used to the idea of just entering cafes and restaurants and politely asking (In Italian usually) "Dove il bagno, per favore?" That phrase got a lot of use for me! But I digress...

Lake Trasimeno

Assisi

We made our way to the city of Assisi which is perched on the hilltop. Then we walked through the winding streets to see various churches (many not allowing photos), shops, and sights. We saw the Church of Saint Clare and Basilica of Francesco d'Assisi. It was interesting to learn that Assisi's tourism has increased dramatically since Pope Francis took his seat (since he took the namesake). I LOVED this town. I can't even begin to explain it, so bear with me. Sisters, Oregon is one of my favorite little towns. It has a very nice downtown full of all kinds of shops and places to eat, and the scenery is gorgeous. This is my only comparison. Assisi sits on a hill and is full of winding cobblestone streets, clothing shops, cafes, meat and cheese shops, churches, and views. There are nuns and monks that actually live at the churches there, and you can see them walking around. It was quaint and grand all at once. This girl was also longing to be away from the bustle of the huge city of Rome, so this trip was perfect timing. I would go again here in a heartbeat and spend WAY more time without the tour guide (we ditched her about midway through to look around ourselves...it's okay, we knew the meeting spot and time). I also had to say that I loved that there were dogs everywhere. St. Francis is the patron saint of animals, so you have a very pet friendly city that Italian visitors walked dogs of all sizes, shapes, and colors through.

That night on the way back our bus driver and tour guide got lost dropping us at hotels. We were on the bus just under 4 hours before I had had enough (why are there no bathrooms on "nice" buses in this country???). Candi and I jumped off at someone else's stop across town from our hotel and hailed a cab. For this, and the fact that our guide was pretty awful, if I bother to rate the tour, it will do poorly...however, please note that Orvieto and Assisi especially stand alone. If you are ever there, make your own way to them via train or car, and take them all in without time limits. That's my advice.