Anyhow, I sat down to browse a book in my hand during this Barnes and Noble visit, and looked up to see a quote on a magnet. I am a word person, and quotes often move me to tears or spur me to action as it is, but this quote felt like it was talking just for me-placed right in my line of sight.
"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"
It spoke to me. Do you know what my dream was that I left to rest (though not quietly many years ago)? I wanted, longed, to be a doctor. A good doctor. The kind of doctor that goes the extra mile. The one that makes you feel at ease and like you are not wasting their time. I could have quite easily been a doctor at one point. I had the grades, the drive, and the future stretching ahead of me. And the passion. Don't forget that. But I married young, needed to work, completed a degree going to night-school and began a family. I do not regret my choices, because my sons are the most beautiful people I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and they came from that path.
As I sat there reading that quote, that day over two years ago, I longed for knowledge, skill and drive to be in health-care. I felt like my world had stopped and suddenly became clear. What was I so afraid of?? I put away the dream of being a doctor many years ago, but being a nurse seemed more possible, and had become the new hidden dream of mine along the way. When people talk about being in the last years of their life and the things they regret, I sadly already knew what my biggest regret would be. I should've become a nurse. I can hear my own words, aged and remorseful in my mind. That quote spurred the decision that Barrett and I had talked about many times, and I decided then and there that I would not have that regret. That same spring I walked away from teaching. It wasn't fair to have young minds in my hands, when my mind was already somewhere else.
Life is funny. Here I am teaching yet again while I wait to here if I have been accepted into a nursing program. It is my first try, and many people apply more than once. I have good grades, but I know that I have a few that are dragging me down, ones that make me more borderline acceptable, that if I re-took I might very well be at the top of my game so to speak. I like my current job often enough (though I had moments I loved teaching before). I have considered staying. There is stability in that. There is the known versus the unknown. The other day my wonderful husband sat me down. He said that he had been thinking about some of his dreams, and that led to thinking about mine, and how even if I don't get in, I can't give up. That it isn't something you give up on. I told him I was confused. I sometimes feel passion for teaching, and dang it, I feel I am good at it. He told me, "Sarah, when you speak of becoming a nurse, you speak with excitement and passion. When you speak of education, it is with resignation." So funny to hear those words from my husband, a lover of stability himself, but something in me that I could not identify.
Did you know that Barrett and I talked at length about me taking prereqs for medical school when I was first leaving East Linn? He was in support of that dream. It was me that told him we needed to merge reality and passion. While I would LOVE to become a doctor, I am not willing to risk the time away from my kids while they grow up. I would be in school practically the rest of their childhood. I am not willing to put my marriage on the line. And the more I read about nursing, the more I think it fits me. Though, I do want to go far. For a girl that loves school there is no reason to stop with just a license, but it can be done in increments. I am still undecided, and no matter, I will do and give my very best wherever I am for whatever amount of time, but I am inspired once again.
Today I looked at that quote again. I sought it out, bought it, and it hangs on our fridge now. Maybe we all should ask ourselves that question.
Enjoyed reading your writing, Sarah.
ReplyDeleteDebby