Why Divorce Made Me a Better Person

I do not advocate for divorce, I truly don't...but in my case I think that my divorce made me a better person. I am a better mother and a better wife these days than ever before. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I see my ex with his wife and family and me with mine, and we both seem to be doing great...and I wonder why it is that life works that way. But I don't miss my old life at all. I am blessed now with a larger family that includes his wife, her daughter, their daughter, my husband, and our boys. Strange at times? Yes, but it gets less and less so and more what is normal for us. I am glad that we can attend sport's games, BBQ's and school events as an entire unit, and I hope that it teaches Matthew and Isaiah that we all love them very much. I actually asked Matt the other night very gently, if he was ever angry that his dad and I split up. His answer, "No...not really. I wouldn't have had Barrett, Heidi, and my sisters if you hadn't."  He also acknowledged that both his dad and I seemed happy and that he rarely hears Barrett and I argue about anything (a huge change from my first marriage!). Wow. Maybe we are doing something right? 

In my first marriage I was very lonely, and I knew that (for me) being with my spouse daily for quality time was very important. I used to fill the void with school, work, and shopping (yeah...). Barrett and I have been accused of being "attached at the hip" a few times, and though we indeed can separate when necessary and for events where the other isn't quite welcome (like a baby shower for example, lol)-we choose to be together almost every time we can. We choose to attend the boys' games and practices together when we can, to run errands together, relax together and even to do one another's hobbies together (even if they aren't our favorite!) because we love being in one another's company. Though I would love to say that every problem imaginable in my first marriage was not my fault, some definitely were. I had a very hard time apologizing when I did things wrong (which does happen occasionally!). I can now apologize to Barrett and even (gasp!) drop an argument when I realize it just isn't that important. I also have learned that me having a strong opinion on every little thing does not matter, nor is it helpful. There are things we are each experts in, and while an opinion is good, it is important to submit to the other when they simply know more about it.   This goes for little things and big ones. Barrett is a man of logic, and he will research something for days on end. When it comes to purchasing a vehicle, a computer, or lawnmower, or even a saw...this is his department.  Barrett takes better care than I at managing the household finances (though we recently decided to both be involved). I, on the other hand, am the one that has an eye for decorating. I decide paint colors, furniture and the like. I also can research the heck out of vacations, so I plan out trips and run them by B for approval. Perhaps there was a lot of mismatched personality going on my first time around! 

My children are adored by me, and they enjoy a close relationship with many adults. Before I got divorced, I relied heavily on my parents to let me escape. I still rely on them when I need to get something done, but not like before. Because of the constant time together, I am closer to both boys, and we do many things as a family. Barrett and I take them camping, riding, on small trips like to the aquarium or out  to eat often, and I do projects with them at home, and they help Barrett outside. The boys are with us (with the exception of any overnighting with my parents) 12 days in a row before going back to their dad each cycle. This is a lot of getting ready for school, meals, and time. I will freely admit (and I know many parents don't have this "luxury") that by the end of those 12 days I am ready for a break! I know that many parents go through this too, where a day seems incessantly LONG, full of hours to fill, and the small voice saying "Hey Mama-" is like long fingernails screeching down a chalkboard.

The good thing is that at the end of 12 days I get to refresh for two, and then start all over again. It's like a mini-vacation. Barrett and I date, and enjoy being a couple without children. This weekend it is Iron Man 3 and dinner tonight, and then breakfast at a cafe, soccer games, bike window shopping for me, Matt's school BBQ with our other parenting half and boys, then wine and stargazing. Sunday is church, luncheon after service, and roofing chicken coop. At least that's the plan. 

So, while divorce is not the answer, maybe you can learn a few important lessons from my mistakes and successes. Spend lots of time with your spouse. Quality matters...but so does QUANTITY. Same goes with your children. Sometimes the best conversations occur while trapped in the car on the way to the grocery store. Get breaks when you need them. Take time to refresh, whether it is a whole weekend, a few hours, or a long bubble bath. You will be a better parent because of it. Know your strengths and your weaknesses. Also know your partner's. In a great relationship, you will fill in one another's gaps. Finally, learn to be humble and apologize when you know you're wrong, but also learn to drop it even when you are right...because tomorrow is based on the decisions we make today.