Aimless Leaf in the Wind

As a form of therapy I write this blog post today. I am not sure where it is headed, but I know that I need to write. The past few days every time I find that I am at peace and have time to think to myself, I feel nothing. I feel completely ambivalent, like it doesn't really matter what happens at this point. I really, really don't like that feeling. I am such a passionate person (especially when it comes to my quiet thought time), that the lack of care means that something is wrong. I have long considered apathy as one of the worst possible feelings. I'd prefer that people like me and that I make them happy, but I will take them disliking me and me making them mad then no feeling at all. I feel the same way about art, writing, and film. If it makes me FEEL something, then the creator has done their job. If it doesn't, then the piece is no good. The only thing I feel right now, an oxymoron in itself, is apathy.

What is the root of this feeling or lack thereof? I am pretty sure I feel this way because I feel as though I have no free will. I feel like a leaf drifting in the wind, no idea of where I may land. A few months ago I was elated that I was accepted into a counseling program. I can totally see myself as a counselor, and it just seemed like the best plan. Take my degrees in psychology and education, and put them together for school counseling, and it was a very logical step. Perhaps it was impatience. August is SO far away (it feels like). Perhaps it was greed (more money is always nice, right? It equals new clothes, and trips, and things galore!). About a month ago I got the nagging feeling that maybe I should apply for a teaching job. After all, though the job lookout forecast for counseling in a few years (when I'd be licensed) seems good, I have no REAL idea about the job market, and what if it isn't good? What if I go into more debt with student loans (the bane of most college grad's existences) and cannot find a good job after? These are fears, but feasible fears nonetheless, right?  I liked the path. I especially liked the getting to focus on the kids, the home, and my studies part. I truly am not a lazy person, not at all. But the thought of no work until finishing was refreshing-especially since this was part of the deal I'd struck with nursing...being a graduate counseling student is not any less respectable...right? Right? Okay, maybe I need reassurance. I could SEE myself as a counselor, and maybe not even in a school, maybe in my very own office someday decorated the way I want, seeing my own clients (the grad program is for both after all). That was all very appealing. Even the classes were appealing. BUT...I opened my mouth. I worried about job security. I worried about money. We do fine, but I complained that there are no new things, and activities can be somewhat limited. Like, big deal, right? My husband actually does great, and that was not the best thought for me to have. Stay-at-home mamas out there, feel free to virtually slap me for that complaint (just reach right through the monitor). In hindsight I do get how totally ungrateful and shallow that sounds, just remember that until this past year, I had always been in the workforce. And B will make noises about how nice things will be when we are both working again. I know I have his support, but I also know he has sacrificed a lot for me to change my mind multiple times too.

So I applied for 19 teaching jobs. It is a flooded job market I hear. I have heard from one. The one that if I were to want any this would be it. I got chosen to interview out of over 70 applicants and only 20 interviewees. I did well. I think. Though I will not know until next week at the earliest. And I have mixed feelings. Part of me wants the job, and part of me does not. I made a deal with God (though I'm not sure He ever agreed to this), and prayed for the last month for a sign. I prayed that if I am meant to teach I will get this job. Counseling means a wonderful, relaxing summer with my kids. Teaching means a harried dash to set up the perfect room, and a bundle of frayed nerves to boot. I am noise sensitive. Did I ever mention that? I get REALLY grumpy when things get too loud...but I digress...kind of. I was a good teacher, so it would be okay right? I enjoyed it usually. Though there are some things I could never do again and that'd be alright by me-but all jobs are like that. So now I wait. I wait for the decision that will change everything. I will NOT go to school and work again-it was not good for my family, and I've been there, done that. If I teach, that will be my career. I will teach. If I don't get the job, I will continue pursuing counseling. I can't wait to know. I think I will be sad if I don't get the job, but relieved as well, and okay with it, maybe happy  if I do? People say I was a natural teacher. I wish I knew. I know lots of people have prayed for me to get the job, but instead...maybe you could just pray that God's will be done? And know that I appreciate the prayers regardless.  I am so tired of trying to find my perfect calling. I just need the wind to carry this little leaf and lay it down somewhere ..perhaps put a stone on top of it so it can't flutter anywhere new, and rest.