Look in the Mirror Girls...Marriage by Design

I am going to make some people angry with this post...so here is my disclaimer right here-if you don't like it-don't read it!

***This is for the many wives (and soon-to-be wives out there). 

Be the change you want to see, be the spouse you want to have, and never, ever quit looking for ways to make your partner happy. These are the ingredients to a happy marriage. 

Marriage matters.  Divorce sucks. Is that succinct enough for you? I never believed in divorce. I believed that all couples should try their very hardest to make things work before ever even considering severing those bonds. Am I the pot calling the kettle black? Yes, your memory serves you right, I indeed have been through a divorce after a 10 1/2 year marriage and 12 1/2 year relationship. We did try, but he chose to move on. It was a good choice now that I can look back on it, because we were not both willing to try to the same level and that can make all the difference, and because the words we used on a daily basis were becoming abusive, acidic and atrocious in front of our lovely sons. This gives me all the reason to do it right this time, and if you too, are on your second chance, count your blessings that there is a God above that believes in second chances too. 

I read 7-8 blogs on a daily basis by Christian women about parenting, marriage and sexuality in marriage (good stuff!). I will provide their links below in case you are curious. Yes, I have time on my hands to read, but honestly reading a few blogs takes a few minutes at a time spread over the course of the entire day, so you can too if you choose no matter how busy your life is. :)

I have a great marriage, wonderful even. Oh sure, you may be thinking that at 1 1/2 years married and only 2 together that we are still in the honeymoon stage. Let me tell you (and some of you are out there nodding your heads at this right now!), that the honeymoon stage is a lot shorter when you are blending kids, careers and moving into the mix. I will always respect Barrett for how he hit the ground running, taking on numerous new responsibilities, and did so like he was made for it. A man that can love your kids day-to-day as his own is a true gift, and if you are in a situation like mine, remember that your guy chooses each day to love you and your children with no reserve. No, I have a wonderful marriage because both my husband and I are fixers. We look for problems and fix them. We look for what works and do more of that, and we constantly take note of what makes the other happy.

One of the things I participate in is online "challenges" to romance my husband (link below). Each day I am given 5-6 suggestions, and I try to do 2-3 of the things on the list every single day. They are easy to do, and they let my husband know I appreciate him. This is where I make some of you mad. Women, it is your job to set the tone in your marriage. This may sound old-fashioned, but be what it may YOU have the power in your relationship to change the way things feel. Again, YOU set the tone. If you are bitchy, nagging constantly, you will set a tone of inadequacy in your home and of resentment. To counter, if you are loving and joyful, you will set this tone in your home. And...if you are romantic, your husband will be also! Seriously. I was reading on this blog I read a plethora of negative comments to this woman's suggestions to be the spouse you want to have. Women, when did we become so spiteful? Things like:

• "Why should I try-he doesn't do anything for me?" (Because serving others makes us feel good too!)
• "I am sick of cleaning up after him, why would I want to romance him?" (Because it shows him that you love him and need him.)
• "If I kiss him, he will just get all grabby." (So???  Grab back!)

I am sadly including just a few of the real honest to God comments that I read (my thoughts not in Italics). Wow. This is the man you chose to spend your life with. Are you really going to let some dirty socks and resentment get in the way of having a better marriage...one that will make you BOTH happier? If so, seems awfully petty to me. Unless your husband is abusive or unfaithful (in which case you need to RUN, girl!), he is a man that deserves your love, respect and commitment to your marriage each and every day. Do not speak poorly of your mate to others. Do not nag him relentlessly to get your way, and NEVER, EVER use sex as a weapon-do not withhold when he needs your touch to feel loved. Why don't you try forgiving him, even if he hasn't apologized?

You set the tone. Do you want him to notice you? Notice him. Did he trim his beard lately or wear a different shirt today?  Do you want him to help around the house? Help him with a project he cares about. Offer to help clean his man cave or go do a hobby with him. Do you want to be sweetly romanced and even seduced by your husband? Show him what you want (he will be more than willing). You see, men need to know that they are doing something right. TELL him what you love about him. Tell him thank you for working each day (even though you may too), tell him you love the fact that he can fix things in your home, how handsome he looks, or that you really enjoy when he kisses you just like that. They need positive affirmation. You may think like those women I quoted above that you do enough, and he needs to do more. I respectfully disagree with part of that statement. While he may indeed need to step it up a bit, unless you are giving 100% to be the kind of loving wife that literally grows a loving husband, then NO, you are not doing enough either. Be it the way of the world to tell you that you deserve more. I am telling you (except for in extreme situations), you deserve what you have; you reap what you sow. 

The things I am doing take maybe an extra 30 minutes a day. Maybe. But the rewards are huge. Yesterday, I made a dinner that Barrett loves. On purpose. I was going to cook anyway, why not spoil him? I touched up my make-up and put my hair up the way he loves. I lit candles downstairs in our room, had the lights dimmed upstairs, and had classical music playing when he came home. The kids were here. They had helped pick up the house, and they too, seemed to thrive in the beautiful atmosphere that I was purposely setting up in our home, an atmosphere that said our home, our family and our time is beautiful. In our bathroom I had taken a red lipstick and written I love you always on our mirror and underneath planted a red lipstick kiss. Barrett said it made him smile to see it this morning when getting out of the shower, and that it should always be there. That took less than 2 minutes of my time, to let my husband know how much I love him. Easy stuff, ladies. We just have to do it. I don't know about you, but I got a husband who cleaned up the dishes from the meal I made him, interacted with our boys, and held me close in his arms all night long (I will leave out the other stuff!!!). This is the marriage I dream of. 

Be purposeful. Be diligent. Be loving. Be respectful. Be beautiful. Design the marriage you want to have, and I assure you the rest will follow.

Marriage Blogs I follow:

•  Intimacy in Marriage
• Hot, Holy, and Humorous
• Happy Wives Club
• Time Warp Wife
• 14 Day Romancing Your Husband Challenge