Perhaps His Plans Are Better-Part 2

Continued from: Part 1

I never would have left my job if not for some catalyst to push me on my way, and the once great teaching may have become mediocre at best. Because I left, I have gotten some much needed time with both boys, but especially Isaiah, and I never got that time with him. I have had ample time to rediscover who I am and who I want to become, and I have been able to do this all with a man who loves me by my side, never doubting me and always cheering me on. 

How do I explain what is going on in my heart? I write it not for you, but so that I may give it words of its own. I wanted to be a nurse so that I could help people, because of my experience with my own miracle birth child (Matthew), and because it seemed really interesting. While I would never go off of career and personality tests alone, it must be said aloud (or written!) that I have only once (in over 20 tests to determine skills, interests, values and personality) ever tested that nursing would be a good "fit" for me. But every test I have ever taken lists teaching as a good fit, in fact lists it in the top 5 (out of thousands of possibilities). I looked back to my own words written eight years ago as I describe an internship at Riverview Elementary School. For years I had fought my family and friends when they mentioned I should teach but "As I walked down the halls, smelling of crayon and freshly sharpened pencils-I felt like I was coming home." 

Seeing Grandma is the hospital shook my senses a bit. It made me see some of the things that nurses do, and I was not very interested. While she was getting better by the day, the atmosphere was very sterile, and somber. There was no bright colors, no laughter, no vitality. Her nurses were a mixed bag-some very friendly and some uber-professional but cold. The room was divided in two by curtains, and could not have felt more impersonal. Barrett's grandfather would ask me questions about what some of the machines did, and I realized that not only did I not know (which is to be expected), but worse-I didn't care. It didn't interest me. Just as some of the CNA information has held little of my interest, but if you asked me the best seating arrangement for a classroom I'd know exactly how to answer!

Having Barrett's grandmother in the hospital has been a wake up call. Soon we will be adding two more bedrooms, bathrooms, as well as a living room and kitchen onto our home-basically making a second home here for them. While the idea of them moving here is exciting, and the fact that our house will almost double in size is also pretty cool...the reality is that the circumstances are not pretty. Right now they are still somewhat independent, but his grandparents are both in their 80's, and them moving here is so that we can provide the care they will need later on. I am okay with this. I love them. They are simply wonderful people with rich, full lives and they have taken to me, telling me I remind them of their daughter, Shellie (Barrett's mom who passed away). I am delighted to fill any role they want me in, and I think they are delighted to see the relationship Barrett and I share. It is a quiet love, an unassuming, never blaming, always supporting type of friendship and romance. Some things are too coincidental to be just that, but have to have been orchestrated by God. Like the fact that I had jokingly told Barrett that someday I wanted a diamond and sapphire ring, because it is my two sons' birthstones together...and the fact that Grandma Joyce gave me just that this Christmas, a ring she had had for a long time (never knowing the significance to me because B had never told her!). She and I both got choked up as I explained how perfect it is. 

I do not have a conclusion right now, but I feel more peace than I have felt the past few months. I plan to finish the CNA program, though at this moment I am unsure about pursuing nursing. I will have to decide in the next few weeks. It dawned on me that the basic care I am learning to become a CNA, is care that will come in very handy with Barrett's grandparents, and care that I would not have known or thought about if I had not followed this meandering path. Perhaps part of God's plan as well? The class will be by final deciding factor on what will come next, though I will say that I have already submitted all necessary paperwork to be a substitute teacher for Lebanon schools (so you may see me around). I am not sure where to go from here. It is very undecided. In the fall I could be a nursing student, or I could once again be teaching, I could be working as a CNA, or as a sub, I could be pursuing becoming a school counselor (also in my top 5 every time), or any combination of these. 

I welcome your opinion, your advice, but mostly your support. I feel calm in this decision, and I think I know where I am headed...but I am stepping back to let God show me the way.

Perhaps His Plans Are Better-Part 1

I remember when I interviewed at East Linn a few years back. Getting the job felt like such a long shot, as I have never been the "perfect" Christian. They wanted to know my testimony, and I had painstakingly written it out, what I felt was a mishmash of emotions and events that had led me to them. I had described how my path to faith was never one, big, A-HA! moment, but was instead a rambling path with times I'd veered off course and times I'd followed the illuminating moments in my life. Apparently, it was a good testimony (or they were in dire need of a qualified science teacher), because I was offered the job hours after my interview. 

You hear that major life decisions should never happen all at once. I was divorced, remarried, and had moved out of my home all within about a year. I guess I decided that my new life gave me the freedom to follow an old dream. Let it be said, that I am not good at listening to advice. While I appreciate the concern, I have a history of choosing my own (however wandering) path. Let it also be said that I had a very warped view of myself and teaching. I have a Master's degree, have defended a thesis, have spoken to large groups of people, and hold not one, but three authorizations for which I am qualified to teach under per the state of Oregon including grades kindergarten-third, fourth-sixth, and 6-8 science education (and likely would have collected at least one more in English), as well as 3 somewhat different ones for ACSI (Christian school certification, who also lets me teach high school level science and health). When I left teaching, I was also the Department Head for the Science Department. I do not say this to brag at all, but to tell you that I was not proud of what I had accomplished at all. I don't know if it was because all this was done while I was already working, in an unhappy marriage, or having children. I had this idea that I wasn't doing anything important, that (on some days at least) teaching was not challenging, and that I had not followed a dream. 

It has been a weird road since I left teaching. Some days I am perfectly content, and others I long to go back. It has not been until starting the CNA class and our recent trip to Redding to visit Barrett's grandmother in the hospital that I have felt what I can only guess is the gentle nudge of God reminding me. I wholeheartedly, without a doubt in the world, loved each and every student I ever had (some perhaps a bit more than others!). What I was doing WAS important, and there was no reason in the world that I should not be at least a tiny bit proud of what I had already accomplished. I know that I also felt very stuck. Working where I did was SUCH a blessing, but it also felt like I was locked in. In order to keep my boys there at the school, I had to work there (or pay private school tuition). It seems like a fair trade until you know me. I need the possibility of more to exist, but it wasn't really a place that I felt I could move up. There was no school counselor, and becoming an administrator there would be a very long shot. I almost needed to make a break so that I could continue to have some career movement.

Here comes the A-HA moment-

Continued in next installment....Part 2

How About a Quiet Ringing in of 2013?

This Christmas week has had some major ups and downs. We have just spent two nights in Redding. The first night we spent at a sub-par hotel and got very little sleep. Have you ever tried sleeping in the same room as two young children? I don't recommend it. I am a very light sleeper (unfortunately), and let's just say that no happy amount of caffeine could even attempt to rectify the last two nights! We stayed at a nicer hotel last night, but alas were on the ground floor under what we believe to be kids running and jumping on the bed. While we were trying to go to sleep (because of a 5:30 alarm set for this AM)- we frequently heard the thudding and banging from above. Barrett called to complain three times before going to the front desk clad in his pajamas, where the unhelpful clerk told him she had been too busy to call and gave him the key to a room on the second floor. At this point Isaiah is asleep and I've unpacked (yes- I can't stand to live out of bags). As Barrett moves us the clerk gets a call from me. I ragged her up one side and down the next for not taking care of the noise in the first place and then having to move two children to yet another room. Turns out unhelpful clerk was also rude, so she got many pieces of my mind,as well as her coworker getting a complaint from Barrett this morning and a corporate email to send a complaint to- that I guarantee I will take the time to do.

So this morning we are sleepy, grumpy, and on the road again. My doctor and I have yet to get bladder medicine that does anything, and my bladder thinks its a fun practical joke to play the you just peed but desperately need to go AGAIN game- a road trip crowd pleaser. Bathroom we just stopped at was a high class one with no toilet paper but handy seat covers.I have joked about writing a travel guide called Bathrooms of the I-5 Corridor with toilet paper ratings for each.

We had a good visit with Barrett's grandparents as well as great aunt and uncle, and have decided to add onto our home to move them up to be with us. He is the only grandson, and right now they live 14 hours away. This way we could be a bigger help as they get older (they are both in their 80's).

On another note, I am unsuccessfully trying to quench the renewed doubt about a career in nursing. The visits to the hospital reminding me that it is rarely a happy place to be. Last night I dreamt of begging my former boss at the dental office to give me any job he could, and then had a nightmare about teaching first graders.

I am happy that tomorrow we will drive nowhere, except maybe a grocery store. Barrett has booked a cabin for just he and I for my birthday to stay one night in. Quiet sounds really good right now.

A Very UnMerry Christmas (To Us)

I have been actively trying for two whole years now to convince Barrett that Christmas is a wonderful, joyous time of year. This year the cards have been stacked against said convincing. We had everything planned out perfectly. A split holiday for the boys so that they had time with both parents, over a week off for Barrett, and a clean, well-decorated home for our Christmas visitors (AKA Barrett's grandparents)-who have yet to see our new home. Cue whiteout conditions for their drive up here, leaving grandparents stranded in Redding (at least with family) for 2 days. Then, on the day that the roads are clear enough for them to continue their drive up here, we can't get a hold of anyone, and get a phone call saying that his grandmother is on her way to the hospital. 

She had had pneumonia before leaving, but after two rounds of antibiotics (though still not clear x-rays) her doctor gave her the go ahead to travel. Cue grandmother collapsing, followed by the news that she would now be staying (in Redding) in the ICU for the next 4-5 days due to a blood clot in her lungs. I am not by nature an optimistic person anyhow, but I was trying SO hard yesterday to be upbeat. Christmas can be held on any day of the year. We packed up our bags (in record time I tell you), only to be told not to come and ruin our Christmas, but to stay put...it was insisted. While on one hand there was immense relief on my part (who doesn't want to spend Christmas morning with their children?), there was also that huge sense of helplessness. Maybe we should go. Maybe we should have gone to California instead of them travelling up here. Maybe we should show our love and concern. Even with a new plan at hand, how does one cheer up their Love and insist that Christmas will still be okay?

Barrett and I spent the day unpacking the car, and breaking our diet in every way possible (See's candy and pizza, anyone?), then relaxing with Friends reruns. This morning we came up with a new plan that isn't wonderful, but is doable. Christmas here with the kids and my family, then a trek to Redding the next day to visit his grandparents and take Christmas to them. Still trying to make the best of it, we booked a hotel with an indoor, heated pool-figuring we can at least do something kind of cool with the boys. And did I mention the room we thought we were booking had 2 queen beds, but alas has 2 doubles? :) It'll be a cozy night. We repack some stuff (luckily hadn't completely unpacked), and sadly take apart the guest room, putting it back to normal. His grandparents will be returning home (with another family member driving them instead of continuing their trip). Still (Yes, STILL) trying to be somewhat cheerful, we decide we will go on a Christmas Eve hike and we shower and pack a picnic lunch. 

In loving memory of Rya Mae

Are you ready for it? It's almost comical at this point. Barrett goes to take the trash out, and sees our yellow lab, Rya, under the deck, so he calls her name. Then he comes in and tells me, "Yeah. It's officially the worst Christmas." Rya, who had been throwing up the last day or so (though we honestly hadn't noticed much with everything else going on) was dead. Wow. At this point we throw on coats, he puts her in the back of our Ranger, and we set out to dig a Christmas Eve grave for our pet. The air is freezing cold, the clay ground heavy with water, and the dog already stiff as a board. Great combination. Between dark humor, sniffling, and a few curse words at the uncooperative earth, Rya was buried. 

I have had only a few crappy Christmases ever. There was one as a child when my Papa died two days before the holiday and we made an impromptu trip to Oregon, and the year that Greg and I separated and I was childless on Christmas. This one so far is definitely up there. But, I am reminded that things could be worse. Much worse. I think of the families in Connecticut and thank God that our trials are so much less. Grandma is getting better, we still get to see family, and though we loved her, our dog was almost 11, and not in the greatest shape. I am reminded that life happens while we are busy making plans. In the midst of everything that goes awry, just smile and know that God has you covered. Merry Christmas. 

Truce for Now

 Last night, snow fell softly from the sky, and Barrett and I (sadly without the boys for most of this week) bundled up like little children. He laughed as snowflakes hit me in the eye as I tried to catch them on my tongue, and then we jumped in the Explorer to see just how bad our road was (don't worry, he was most careful!). Just now, he told me that I am  the best wife he's ever had (LOL! And the only!) for putting cornbread muffins in to bake. Our puppy (now 8 mos.) snuggles up in our bed many evenings. We decided last week to go into our small town and visit most of the businesses, it was the first time since we had moved here 7 months ago, and we met some great people. On Sunday we attended a small church in town that our neighbors invited us to. It has stained glass windows, breakfast and lunch potlucks, and various members of the congregation actually take turns speaking about different topics. The church rang with accordion, organ, electric guitar and violin music, to both hymns and newer worship songs. There were only about forty people there, but everyone was so nice, and we both actually enjoyed the service. I am missing my boys something fierce right now. It seems they are always somewhere between being with their dad and with my parents helping us out while I am at school. But, I spoke to both the other night and smiled with glee as Isaiah's small voice rang out, "I love you, Mama." It is the small things like all of these that I am rejoicing in right now. 

The past week and a half has been busy. I have begun my CNA training, and for the most part am really liking it. Though, it would be dishonest to say that I have not had any doubts. The day we were at church a young man introduced himself and asked what both Barrett and I did. He and Barrett got talking about computers (seems it is the young man's field too), and I never had to answer the question. That was just fine by me. As they talked, I wondered what in the world I would say. I am a teacher, was my immediate thought, but then I thought not anymore. I am a student, but I have always been a student AND something else, that the phrase seemed so empty to me. I was actually all depressed after church telling Barrett about this inner conundrum. He comforted me by saying that I could have said either or both and been correct. After all, my teaching license is current (and I have no plans of letting that bad boy expire!). 

There was also a moment in class as we talked about emptying colostomy bags (a task CNAs will have to do), and the devilish voice in my head said C'mon, Sarah-really? You have a Master's degree. You don't have to do this. I explained to Barrett that sometimes it is like an inner conversation between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll tells me that I should just find a proper teaching job or even advance my education higher (Ph.D and college professor, anyone? Counselor?). That the jobs CNAs have to do are pretty gross. Then, Mr. Hyde comes in and says Sarah, you knew this ahead of time. While the act isn't always noble, the serving heart is. I am reminded that when I practice the skills at school, I often get them very quickly, many feel very natural surprisingly, and most of all, I think I could really have a heart for this kind of work. Luckily though Jekyll and Hyde call a truce, agreeing to let me make my way through before any rash decisions are made, giving me some time to find my footing. 

After only 6 days of class thus far, I know a lot more than I started with. I can transfer a patient to the bed, wheelchair and commode. I can help them walk assisted and with a walker. I can feed patients, provide denture care, and oral care (on both awake and comatose patients). I can give a shampoo cap, provide, empty and measure a bedpan, take all vital signs fairly accurately, and I have learned about infection control. We have talked about dementia patients, communicating with the family and how to treat patients with respect, dignity and compassion. I have met Tom, one of the resident cats. He is 17 (!!!) pounds (we weighed him), and is a yellow and white striped love of an animal. I have made friends with my partner, a young girl from New York. Oh, and I got 100% on my first quiz! Sometimes I am fumbling with the skills. We laugh at one another when we feel like there just aren't enough hands to fit a blood pressure cuff and use the stethoscopes at the same time! We whisper to one another steps so that none are left out. We always encourage one another, being on the same team, just wanting to learn.

That's all for now. :)

Hold Them Dear.

I too, was in tears over the devastation that occurred in a quiet Connecticut town yesterday. Sometimes the evil and sadness in the world just seems too much. We sat in our CNA class, myself and 9 others plus our instructor, each reading about and taking in the awful news. The room was in a sense of upheaval and all of us, in training to care for and advocate for the basic needs of others, felt the sense of sadness occupy our space. Many people have been writing about the shooting, sensationalizing the killer and his violent actions. Too few people have talked about the families that will forever be affected by the treachery of yesterday-the parents that thought their children were safely at school. There will be unfinished holiday crafts this year, wrapped presents sitting forlornly under Christmas trees, empty beds, chairs and hearts of the parents and siblings who have lost loved ones. It will be a bleak Christmas for these families, and each year after as the joy of the holidays are upon us, they will remember their loss.

For those of us that are bystanders, speak a bit softer to your children this season. Revel in spilled milk, unmade beds and dirty laundry. Laugh and play together, and cherish what you have. Hold your family dear. And pray. Pray for those that are not as lucky as you. Draw close, and be joyful for what you have. Remember that God is present even in the darkest days. Perhaps you can find a way to show Him to others...

Just the Toes

On Monday I began my journey toward becoming a CNA. It was a long day, full of policies and procedures, the importance of confidentiality, patient's rights, and far too much reading and lecture listening. I truly enjoyed it though. We learned proper hand-washing technique (there are like 10 steps!!!), and began learning how to do patient transfers (like from hospital bed to chair). There are 9 others in my cohort, and they seem nice enough so far. The instructor has been a nurse for 40+ years, and has been teaching for 5, and she regaled us with nurse stories. She seems friendly but also has very high expectations, and rightfully so. I really enjoyed touring the facility. It is actually pretty amazing, complete with resident cats for each hall, a facility dog, parakeets and doves. I was impressed by all the animal interactions that are available. There is a beautiful chapel, a small cafe, a nicely stocked rec room full of games, crafts, t.v., and a beautiful fireplace. The entire facility has been decked out for Christmas, and there are multiple garlands, snowflake decorations and even Christmas trees. The residents that I got to see smiled at us newbie students as we walked the halls. Our instructor read us a poem written by a resident, an elderly woman, who wrote about what nurses must see when they look at her, versus the full life and all she has been and had. It was so moving, and I think there were multiple students with wet eyes...myself included. I was disappointed that uniforms will not be needed until our first labs next week, but excited that we began checking off our skills list the very first day.

Then...due to bureaucracy at its best (notice the sarcasm), we were informed Monday night that we could not return to class until Thursday (tacking days on at the end), because one of the powers that be (high up) had changed hands, and the proper paperwork had to be processed by the state. I am excited to return tomorrow. While the material itself out of the text and our quizzes look very easy, the skills I will be continuing to learn will be more of a challenge. It is such a great way to get my feet wet-though so far it has just been a dipping of the toes. :)