How to Make Co-Parenting Work

"This is my ex-wife, Sarah," my ex-husband introduced me at the baby shower for him and his wife. Say that 5 times fast. Awkward? Yes, but only for a minute. I preferred the way his wife introduced me to her family and friends, "This is Sarah, Matthew and Isaiah's mom." I know at times it has to also be awkward for her, like at the boys' first soccer games when the very perky team mom introduced herself to the boys' dad and extended her hand to Heidi and said, "You must be Sarah." When Heidi declined, persistently friendly team parent asked, "Well, who are you then?" The fact of the matter is that our parenting quartet is getting better and more experienced everyday. While we may get some looks sometimes, co-parenting is actually working quite nicely for all of us. I love how Matt lists all the family names on his schoolwork when asked about his family. Mom, Dad, Barrett, Heidi, Isaiah, Wylie and Zoey in addition to himself (As Barrett pointed out, it makes it look like he has 5 siblings! But who cares?), and sometimes also Nan and Pop (my parents). If he were to list all the pets between the three homes that he considers to be his, he would have 3 horses, 6 dogs, 1 cat, and one guinea pig!

Shared custody was difficult at first. I knew I had to be okay with it, because their dad loves them, and me being upset with him didn't change that! Our custody arrangement is pretty typical, it's the 75% to 25% ratio. Meaning, they "live" with us, and they are with their dad every other weekend. Because we made the arrangement ourselves though, just loosely based on some guidelines, sometimes there is more time with their dad, and sometimes there are long stents with my parents as well. We share holidays fairly well, and soccer games, conferences,school programs and birthdays are events that we all attend if we can, and sometimes it's a weird combination like my ex and I or Barrett and him, or Heidi and I. We say, whatever works. We all love the children so much, and that is the only thing that really matters.

Maybe you aren't in a situation like mine, but if you are and are lucky enough to have a decent relationship with the other people in your kids' lives, I have come up with a few guidelines below for some co-parenting tips. And remember, it's only as weird as you let it be.

• Keep each other informed. Shoot an email or text (or even a call) to the parents that couldn't attend something, and let them know how it went. And keep guilt out of it!
• Share responsibilities. In our families, we take care of doctor visits, and their dad does dentist appointments. 
• Share expenses. We share the cost of sports and sports' camps. 
• Make it a point to be friendly to everyone involved and never speak ill of the other adults in front of your children!
• Include other kids involved. Always say hello and be inclusive to any other step or half siblings. They did not ask for the situation!
• Remember important dates. Always have your kids call their step-parent on Mother's or Father's Day and their birthdays. 
• Discuss any concerns. Do not let a molehill become a mountain. Tactfully and patiently discuss any snafus that have come up.
• Do small things together. Have a lunch date, take a day-trip, and show that you all know how to have a good time as one big, happy extended family. 
• Be grateful. Your kids are lucky to have so many people to look out for them! :)

The Other Side of Forever

I knew it was over, long before it actually was official. If my life was a novel, there had been plenty of foreshadowing. The weekend before we separated, my then-husband asked me if I thought it was possible that there was more than one "right" person in the world for him or me. I told him I thought there was. Then there was the Christmas party where we couldn't even fake it anymore. It used to be that we could scream at one another in the car, then get out and put on a pretty good show. Picture perfect-on the outside anyway. There were other signs-some that don't bear mentioning because in the sanctity of a marriage-even a failed one-you learn that some things are better left unsaid. There was the ten year anniversary. We were in an idyllic setting and I found myself thinking it would be so perfect-alone.
Divorce sucks. It hurts. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and there's a reason for that. The intimacy in a marriage, once gone, cuts like the deepest knife. It doesn't matter how long you've known it was over, it feels like someone you loved has died. In essence, someone has-the couple you once were or had hoped to be.

Let's be real (there really is no better way to be). My ex was the one to pull the plug. I didn't put up any fight though, because part of me agreed. He said, and I will never forget, "Give me a reason to stay." My response? "I can't." Those two words held so many emotions. Bitterness, anger, resentment, despair, resignation, fear and a last feeling I hardly recognized-hope. It was time.

The day he moved out, I took every happy family picture down. They were mostly lies- and I was ready for truth. I ripped the covers off our bed. I wanted to burn them, but my mom wouldn't let me-so I settled on donating them. It's harder to be the one that stays behind and cleans up the mess of a family that once was, than the one who gets to start fresh.

So what, I'm sure you're wondering, is on the other side of forever? I love my ex husband's new wife ( yeah, say that five times fast!). She's good for him, which makes them good for our boys, and I am grateful. There is very little bitterness left in me. Both of us have remarried wonderful people who encourage our dreams. I am happier now than ever before. I feel like my husband was custom made just for me. Our kids have two sets of parents that love them very much. I am finally pursuing my dream. So, while divorce is awful, sometimes what's waiting on the other side of forever-is another chance.