It is approaching that time. After today, I have just 2 more days with students. When I took this job in January, I was counting the days then. It wasn't a job I really desired, and it was something to work at while I waited to hear about nursing school. When we hit 40 days in my classroom, we started the countdown to summer. Amazingly, even though I have certainly had my share of days here that felt like they'd last forever, it seems like just yesterday. It has been a good assignment. My eyes have been opened to what it is like for kids on the other end of the spectrum, so to speak. I have worked with teens in such heart-breaking situations, I have gone home and cried on more than one occasion. I have wanted to take more than one of them home with me and offer them a better chance. I have dealt with probation officers, therapists, social workers, and drug and alcohol counselors. I have had students on behavior plans for anger issues, aggression and even harassment. There have been tears, hurt, and disappointment in here. But there have also been high fives, hugs, shared meals and accomplishment. I told Barrett there was no way in heck that I would shed a tear when I turned in my keys next week to my dungeon, Room 5. Pretty sure I lied.
I have been blessed with this job. Not only did it help Barrett and I pay off some bills and take a family vacation, but it helped to change me. I thought that leaving East Linn was how I wanted to quit teaching, but even in that there was bitterness and some disappointment in the way a few things turned out when I left, and admittedly it has been hard for me to even be back on campus to visit much (though I do keep in touch with many of my former students). Now I realize that this was where I should quit teaching-not because I am upset, longing for change, longing for more, or because it was the best year ever (because honestly, I have had better!). No, it is time for me to move on because I have grown more. My heart has been filled by not so broken kids from oh so broken homes, and by my biggest challenges of students coming to respect me and share with me. I will tell you what-it is a GOOD day when a kid that hates school is excited about what they have been able to do, and an even better day when a student known for, well shall we say disagreeable behavior, tells me I am the best teacher they have ever had. Sometimes you have to leave before you are ready. Could I still teach? I have had people question me leaving the profession, because I am a great teacher (because I care). So, yes I could stay, but I feel there is a different path for me. I feel called to go elsewhere. That's the best explanation. It's a heart thing.
And sometimes you have to let go, because we can't be and do everything. I will always be a teacher, always keep up my license, but I am moving on now. Life is like that. This Saturday I will walk into East Linn with my head held high to watch some of my favorite students ever graduate. It is a good way to wrap things up, I think. Did you know that I held on to my letter to accept or reject a spot in OHSU for TWO months? Even after I knew I was going to attend Lane, I kept waiting to send in my rejection. It's like I wanted that option too. When I finally put it in the mail this week, it made me think of the goals that I have felt like I had to let go of in my life. I wrote them down. Since I am a very dramatic person (!), I wanted to float my old goals down the river, or watch them burn. But instead, I share them with you and I realize they have not gone away, only been edited, because that is part of the entire point of life I think. Learn, grow, change, repeat.
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